Self Harm

[Ryan_047]

So..yeah..today is the first time in my life that I had the urge to cut myself and stick sharp objects into my skin.

How I came about? Well..today I called of track with affirmations and NoFap..again.And I just can't get myself to study(tommorow I have an important test-_-).And because of that,at first I tried to calm myself with high volume metal music.. didn't work..after I started to bang my head hard with a notebook.. didn't work..and then the urge came..I just wanted to go and get a knife and start cutting,or start to hit my head against the wall..but I managed to control myself.I am not calm now,I am just surpressing my emotions like I did all my entire stupid life...

I am meditating for 20 minutes per day for like 5 months..and even though I may not have a lot of qualities,I am at least a calm and tolerant person.

What the heck is going with me and how can I stop this?And no..there is no way I can talk with my parents or sibling about it..Don't ask why,the point is that I can't..nor going to a psychologist.

 

Edited May 8, 2017 by Ryan_047

[Loreena]

I did a lot of this...in different ways.  I don't have cuts but I did other things. I sometimes went on a fast for days so that I could die, and I lost a lot of weight and collapsed many times. I oded ...I overdosed on pills last year..After taking the pills I was taken to the E.r where after a week I had tremendous blood loss. And the effect continued. The side reactions fucked up my periods and I started getting heavy periods and I bled heavy during each period. I still get lot of blood loss during my periods. So you see how dangerous things can get.  I was taken to psychologists but I gave up because it didn't help. 

I am pretty much fucked up because of all that. My brain is fucked up because of what I did. Now I suffer. Once I did bang my head on the wall and it was pretty bad... 

Solution. 

I just try to flow with life. People like me need tremendous emotional support but I won't get it. And I know that.. but I try to manage somehow, anyhow. 

It's tough with your emotions always  fluctuating so much. I have suffered depression, massive....... It's hard. 

All I try to do now is love myself more. This forum has helped a lot to serve as distraction. I also love the butterfly project. 

That means, you have to just draw a butterfly on the spot where you get a tremendous urge to cut. I do that sometimes especially when I am in the bathroom. Sitting on the bathroom floor helps a lot. Sometimes I bend over on the sink and start crying and sobbing for hours. It's a release mechanism. But don't do too much or else, you end up feeling very weak and drained. Crying is also a release technique but should not be overdone. 

The best thing that helped me avoid going into a depressive episode was to  tuck under the blanket(more sheets if you want )  bury my head under the pillow and keep silent or start humming for some time to take my mind off  of whatever is causing the pain. 

Sometimes when I cry I suddenly stop crying and begin to feel better. I don't know why that happens. 

I couldn't talk about all this to my parents or friends, too embarrassed to do that. I have difficulties opening up. So I keep to myself. 

Don't listen to heavy metal especially when you are emotional. I did that during the early stages and I used to get head zaps and collapses due to extreme stress brought on by the emotional music. 

Try not to be very emotional...emotions fuck up a lot...just a lot...emotions play games with our heads. 

These days I watch comic flicks, videos on YouTube and sometimes spending time on the forum serves as distraction. Distraction is a very important technique as well. Worked for me. 

Other thing is going out for a walk, especially just before the urge starts. Huge stress buster. 

I also drawing, sketching and scribbling... draw a line first. Then draw a connecting line. Then make it like a branched tree...  keep drawing different combinations of lines and dots.. helped me to calm down. 

Other thing is mantra meditation...I say "love" and then breathe in and then say "over" while breathing out. 

Listen to happy songs. Please don't listen to sad songs although the emotion urges you to listen to sad music but your emotions are just playing with your mind, don't give in to them when you are most vulnerable... 

Good luck..take care. 

(If I have more suggestions, I'll continue posting here.)

 

Edited May 9, 2017 by Loreena

[Prabhaker]

15 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

What the heck is going with me and how can I stop this?

You need catharsis learn OSHO DYNAMIC MEDITATION.

This meditation is a fast, intense and thorough way to break old, ingrained patterns in the bodymind that keep one imprisoned in the past, and to experience the freedom, the witnessing, silence and peace that are hidden behind these prison walls.

The meditation is meant to be done in the early morning, when as Osho explains it, “the whole of nature becomes alive, the night has gone, the sun is coming up and everything becomes conscious and alert.”

"This is a meditation in which you have to be continuously alert, conscious, aware, whatsoever you do. The first step, breathing; the second step, catharsis; the third step, the mantra, 'Hoo.' 

Remain a witness. Don’t get lost. It is easy to get lost. While you are breathing you can forget; you can become one with the breathing so much that you can forget the witness. But then you miss the point. Breathe as fast, as deep as possible, bring your total energy to it, but still remain a witness. Observe what is happening as if you are just a spectator, as if the whole thing is happening to somebody else, as if the whole thing is happening in the body and the consciousness is just centered and looking. This witnessing has to be carried in all the three steps. And when everything stops, and in the fourth step you have become completely inactive, frozen, then this alertness will come to its peak." Osho

Instructions:

The meditation lasts one hour and has five stages. Keep your eyes closed throughout, using a blindfold if necessary. It can be done alone, and can be even more powerful if it is done with others.

First Stage: 10 minutes

Breathing chaotically through the nose, let breathing be intense, deep, fast, without rhythm, with no pattern – and concentrating always on the exhalation. The body will take care of the inhalation. The breath should move deeply into the lungs. Do this as fast and as hard as you possibly can until you literally become the breathing. Use your natural body movements to help you to build up your energy. Feel it building up, but don’t let go during the first stage.

Second Stage: 10 minutes

EXPLODE! … Let go of everything that needs to be thrown out. Follow your body. Give your body freedom to express whatever is there. Go totally mad. Scream, shout, cry, jump, kick, shake, dance, sing, laugh; throw yourself around. Hold nothing back; keep your whole body moving. A little acting often helps to get you started. Never allow your mind to interfere with what is happening. Consciously go mad. Be total.

Third Stage: 10 minutes

With arms raised high above your head, jump up and down shouting the mantra, “Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” as deeply as possible. Each time you land, on the flats of your feet, let the sound hammer deep into the sex center. Give all you have; exhaust yourself completely.

Fourth Stage: 15 minutes

STOP! Freeze wherever you are, in whatever position you find yourself. Don’t arrange the body in any way. A cough, a movement, anything, will dissipate the energy flow and the effort will be lost. Be a witness to everything that is happening to you.

Fifth Stage: 15 minutes

Celebrate! With music and dance express whatsoever is there. Carry your aliveness with you throughout the day.

If your meditation space prevents you from making noise, you can do this silent alternative: rather than throwing out the sounds, let the catharsis in the second stage take place entirely through bodily movements. In the third stage, the sound Hoo! can be hammered silently inside, and the fifth stage can become an expressive dance.

 

[d0ornokey]

56 minutes ago, Loreena said:

I did a lot of this...in different ways.  I don't have cuts but I did other things. I sometimes went on a fast for days so that I could die, and I lost a lot of weight and collapsed many times. I oded ...I overdosed on pills last year..After taking the pills I was taken to the E.r where after a week I had tremendous blood loss. And the effect continued. The side reactions fucked up my periods and I started getting heavy periods and I bled heavy during each period. I still get lot of blood loss during my periods. So you see how dangerous things can get.  I was taken to psychologists but I gave up because it didn't help. 

I am pretty much fucked up because of all that. My brain is fucked up because of what I did. Now I suffer. Once I did bang my head on the wall and it was pretty bad... 

Solution. 

I just try to flow with life. People like me need tremendous emotional support but I won't get it. And I know that.. but I try to manage somehow, anyhow. 

It's tough with your emotions always  fluctuating so much. I have suffered depression, massive....... It's hard. 

All I try to do now is love myself more. This forum has helped a lot to serve as distraction. I also love the butterfly project. 

That means, you have to just draw a butterfly on the spot where you get a tremendous urge to cut. I do that sometimes especially when I am in the bathroom. Sitting on the bathroom floor helps a lot. Sometimes I bend over on the sink and start crying and sobbing for hours. It's a release mechanism. But don't do too much or else, you end up feeling very weak and drained. Crying is also a release technique but should not be overdone. 

The best thing that helped me avoid going into a depressive episode was to  tuck under the blanket(more sheets if you want )  bury my head under the pillow and keep silent or start humming for some time to take my mind off  of whatever is causing the pain. 

Sometimes when I cry I suddenly stop crying and begin to feel better. I don't know why that happens. 

I couldn't talk about all this to my parents or friends, too embarrassed to do that. I have difficulties opening up. So I keep to myself. 

Don't listen to heavy metal especially when you are emotional. I did that during the early stages and I used to get head zaps and collapses due to extreme stress brought on by the emotional music. 

Try not to be very emotional...emotions fuck up a lot...just a lot...emotions play games with our heads. 

These days I watch comic flicks, videos on YouTube and sometimes spending time on the forum serves as distraction. Distraction is a very important technique as well. Worked for me. 

Other thing is going out for a walk, especially just before the urge starts. Huge stress buster. 

I also drawing, sketching and scribbling... draw a line first. Then draw a connecting line. Then make it like a branched tree...  keep drawing different combinations of lines and dots.. helped me to calm down. 

Other thing is mantra meditation...I say "love" and then breathe in and then say "over" while breathing out. 

Listen to happy songs. Please don't listen to sad songs although the emotion urges you to listen to sad music but your emotions are just playing with your mind, don't give in to them when you are most vulnerable... 

Good luck..take care. 

(If I have more suggestions, I'll continue posting here.)

 

What are your sticking points? Whats holding you back from being where you want to be?

[Loreena]

6 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

What are your sticking points? Whats holding you back from being where you want to be?

Emotional issues. Emotional healing from childhood issues that happened and Hyper sensitive personality. I get offended very easily and find it difficult to feel strong. And lack of motivation and focus resulting in self-sabotage. It's a chain reaction sort of a thing.

[Prabhaker]

9 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Emotional issues. Emotional healing from childhood issues that happened and Hyper sensitive personality. I get offended very easily and find it difficult to feel strong.

Can you learn Dynamic meditation that I posted above? you can reduce time duration of five stages in the beginning.

[d0ornokey]

17 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Emotional issues. Emotional healing from childhood issues that happened and Hyper sensitive personality. I get offended very easily and find it difficult to feel strong. And lack of motivation and focus resulting in self-sabotage. It's a chain reaction sort of a thing.

Im the same ?

[Loreena]

18 minutes ago, Prabhaker said:

Can you learn Dynamic meditation that I posted above? you can reduce time duration of five stages in the beginning.

Thank You so much. I will do this . 

[Ryan_047]

@Loreena Thanks for the long and honest answer.I appreciate.You said that you sometimes start crying and then stop and feel better.I think that is bipolarity.

I will try the techniques that you listed.A good thing that we can both try is shadow work,I guess.It is designed to heal past emotional trauma and surpressed emotions.In theory it sounds well,haven't tried it yet.It also involves cutting off distractions from your life.Yes, distractions are good and they calm you down,but it won't work forever.

Ahm..you said that you have difficulties opening up..I can relate to that..but look at the answer that you were so kind to give me.It is easier to open up on the internet because of the anonymity involved..and it is very hard to open up to someone in real life..at least in my case,it is hard even to say my needs and problems out loud when I am alone at home.So..if you want you can send me a private message when you feel like talking about your emotions..it is not like I am a stable emotional human being or that I could help you fully overcome your problems..but I can relate to some of the stuff you mentioned above,and I think we can both understand each other..and sometimes just sharing your emotions and problems help.It is just an idea,no hard feelings if you refuse.

 

[SFRL]

@Ryan_047 get serious about exercise. 

Boxing, martial arts, lifting, weights, running, and cycling are good for that.

When you work out your body and mind will feel a lot better. 

I also see you repress sexual urges in a unhealthy way that brings a lot of struggle. 

As you might know athletes a lot of times don't have sex before a game or before exercise. Because it depletes them. 

When you work out a lot you will do the same thing, but now you do it with a reason. You are are not having sex because you need results in the gym. So A leads to B. 

So effectively that means only sexual activity before you go to sleep. Which contstructs a framework for healthy behaviour.

Another thing a recommend is learning pick-up and getting a girlfriend. Instead of obsessing over beating off get a girlfriend you can have sex with. 

@Loreena do you try  to at least eat a half decent diet? 

And do you workout at all? 

[Loreena]

Just now, SFRL said:

@Ryan_047 get serious about exercise. 

Boxing, martial arts, lifting, weights, running, and cycling are good for that.

When you work out your body and mind will feel a lot better. 

I also see you repress sexual urges in a unhealthy way that brings a lot of struggle. 

As you might know athletes a lot of times don't have sex before a game or before exercise. Because it depletes them. 

When you work out a lot you will do the same thing, but now you do it with a reason. You are are not having sex because you need results in the gym. So A leads to B. 

So effectively that means only sexual activity before you go to sleep. Which contstructs a framework for healthy behaviour.

Another thing a recommend is learning pick-up and getting a girlfriend. Instead of obsessing over beating off get a girlfriend you can have sex with. 

@Loreena do you try  to at least eat a half decent diet? 

And do you workout at all? 

Yeah I do. But I don't do any exercise. 

[SFRL]

3 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Yeah I do. But I don't do any exercise. 

I think you should get started. 

[Loreena]

Just now, SFRL said:

I think you should get started. 

But I don't feel motivated. 

[Prabhaker]

Just now, Loreena said:

But I don't feel motivated.

May be you are tired, learn how to relax and use your mind less. Do something creative.

[SFRL]

15 minutes ago, Loreena said:

But I don't feel motivated. 

Just get started. Ones you get the wheels grinding it will be much easier. 

How old are you anyways? 

[Loreena]

Just now, SFRL said:

Just get started. Ones you get the wheels grinding it will be much easier. 

How old are you anyways? 

19

[SFRL]

7 minutes ago, Loreena said:

19

Right so you you are in your physical prime as a woman. 

And you are sort of considered the hot actualized.org chick right?

So you are pretty gifted in the looks department. 

Don't you think that you should treasure that and maintain and cultivate that? 

Like you should be thankful that you got that and not just take it for granted? 

And yeah working out does make you feel better. You may feel tired and unmotivated now. But once you get started it will actually energize you and it will get fun. 

[Loreena]

1 minute ago, SFRL said:

Right so you you are in your physical prime as a woman. 

And you are sort of considered the hot actualized.org chick right?

So you are pretty gifted in the looks department. 

Don't you think that you should treasure that and maintain and cultivate that? 

Like you should be thankful that you got that and not just take it for granted? 

And yeah working out does make you feel better. You may feel tired and unmotivated now. But once you get started it will actually energize you and it will get fun. 

Thanks. I will do

[SFRL]

2 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Thanks. I will do

Tell me what specifically. 

[Loreena]

Just now, SFRL said:

Tell me what specifically. 

Maybe I will start with jogging. I am not sure if I can do those cardio workouts. They look tough to me. So I might have to start with something simple.