How to make her obsessed

[Something Funny]

28 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

What is your proof that I am good enough for women? You don't really know me much. You definitely don't know Aion, and other people here much. I, on the other hand feel like I have a lot of good reasons to not feel good enough. Like the fact that I've never had a girlfriend in my 25 years on earth and never had a moment where I felt like somebody is attracted to me.

 

@Emerald and I think this is what pickup promises. At least the kind of pickup Leo talks about, as I didn't watch other advise much.

You suck at making a conversation? Your voice trembles and you stutter? You get super anxious and afraid when talking to women? Approaching a lot will fix that. And that will improve your chances of finding a partner. Sure, you might still feel like you are not good enough because of your looks, or feel insecure on some deeper level, but just fixing those will already objectively improve your chances.

I feel like this is the place most men who want to "fix" themselves come from. Not literally from the place of shame and self-hate like: "If I don't get at least one girl I approach today to like me, then I am a pathetic piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live". Obviously that's an unhealthy mindset to have, but I think those are extreme edge cases.

And I am not defending pickup btw. I would actually love for you to share some better alternative. I just don't know of any myself.

I've made a thread about speed dating the other day. But it's basically the same thing. You put yourself into an uncomfortable situation where you are forced to talk to a bunch of women in a short amount of time. Very similar to cold approaching. A bit more organized and more socially acceptable.

 

Edited 22 hours ago by Something Funny

[AION]

Shame is being afraid of being naked aka just being yourself. I like Peterson's take on it.

 

[AION]

Learning to play is much more than just letting go of shame. The best book on the topic on how to learn and play is the inner game of playing tennis. Just letting go of shame won't do it suffice. It is a whole mindset and the thing is that children already know it by heart. It is mostly about deprogramming bad stuff instead of adding new stuff.

Edited 10 hours ago by AION

[Moon]

1 hour ago, AION said:

Learning to play is much more than just letting go of shame. The best book on the topic on how to learn and play is the inner game of playing tennis. Just letting go of shame won't do it suffice. It is a whole mindset and the thing is that children already know it by heart. It is mostly about deprogramming bad stuff instead of adding new stuff.

Playfulness and joy is our true nature. Everyone has different blocks in the way of returning home.

For some, shame may be the main resistance so letting go of it could make life more of a flowing dance for them ✨

[Emerald]

16 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Emerald and I think this is what pickup promises. At least the kind of pickup Leo talks about, as I didn't watch other advise much.

You suck at making a conversation? Your voice trembles and you stutter? You get super anxious and afraid when talking to women? Approaching a lot will fix that. And that will improve your chances of finding a partner. Sure, you might still feel like you are not good enough because of your looks, or feel insecure on some deeper level, but just fixing those will already objectively improve your chances.

I feel like this is the place most men who want to "fix" themselves come from. Not literally from the place of shame and self-hate like: "If I don't get at least one girl I approach today to like me, then I am a pathetic piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live". Obviously that's an unhealthy mindset to have, but I think those are extreme edge cases.

And I am not defending pickup btw. I would actually love for you to share some better alternative. I just don't know of any myself.

I've made a thread about speed dating the other day. But it's basically the same thing. You put yourself into an uncomfortable situation where you are forced to talk to a bunch of women in a short amount of time. Very similar to cold approaching. A bit more organized and more socially acceptable.

 

I notice that it isn't just edge cases. It is definitely the majority... and perhaps even the vast majority.

Perhaps that isn't you in particular though. I notice this shame is by matter of degree to how attached a guy is to matching up to a specific standard of Masculinity.

The higher the attachment, the more shame... the lesser the attachment, the lesser the shame.

And the more a guy represses away his Feminine side, the more shame... and the more a guy integrates his Feminine side, the less shame.

But the main thing is not the pick-up itself. That's fine to learn to approach women and to understand what works. And it is normal also to get a bit nervous about that. If I were a man, I'd also be doing the same thing.

So, understand that I'm not making a definitive statement about the act of learning to approach women in itself. That would require some degree of learning of what works. 

The pick-up community/movement is just one that you'll see this collective male shame dynamic shine through in quite often. And pick-up is often used as a coping strategy to try to resolve the shame.

And I just notice that most guys who get into pick-up that I've interacted with and worked with are unconsciously doing so to get away from shame by matching up to a particular standard of Masculinity... and being good with women is just a requirement to match up to that Masculine standard. This is why the pick-up community tends to be a magnet for guys who deal with this shame dynamic.

So, pick-up (and other forms of self-improvement and/or attempts to increase Masculinity) often are approached from a place of shame and attempting to fix one's self. 

And that shame is what forms the basis of a lot of online male movements like Incels, MGTOW, and Red Pill (who operate from the same shame but different coping strategies... victim's mentality, avoidance, and minimization/resistance respectively)... and it's also common in pick-up and other male-oriented subcultures and online communities. 

[Nilsi]

On 21.2.2025 at 8:21 PM, Emerald said:

The issue with shame is that you can't improve yourself or fix yourself to get rid of it.

The only antidote to shame is unconditional self-love and unconditional acceptance on the level of being. And that does reliably resolve the shame... even though it can be a difficult and drawn out process.

So, pickup will never be a solution to shame. And any type of self-improvement will always be 100% ineffective at addressing shame.

Any kind of action towards self-improvement that's taken from the attempt to relieve one's self of shame, will only exacerbate the shame issue. And the higher the standards you place upon yourself to accept yourself, the more intense your shame will become.

So, there is a reliable way to resolve shame. That's to find ways to accept yourself no matter what... and to never use pick-up or any other form of self-improvement for the sake of getting away from shame... as that will only exacerbate it.

Instead, try to switch to a more experiential process-based motivation for the actions you take.

So, instead of thinking about pick-up or any other form of self-improvement from a desire to improve or fix yourself or become better to get validation... think about it more as things you're doing to enhance your own amusement and enjoyment of the process of life.

See yourself as already valid and valuable... and make decisions from a place of self-love and a desire to give yourself the best experience possible. 

Take action from a place of being like a kid who doesn't want to miss out on Disney World.

So, if you wanted to do pick-up, think about it from a place of already being whole, valid, and valuable as you are. And interact with women from a place of self-enjoyment because you love yourself.

And don't approach pick-up from a place of "I need to change myself and fix myself because I'm not enough as I am to get female validation via sex and sexual interest. And I need female validation because attractive women are the arbiters who have the power to judge me as sufficiently or insufficiently Masculine... and therefore worthy or unworthy of being. And who I am isn't enough to be notarized as valid by these attractive women, so I need to learn all these techniques and improve myself to become enough (or pretend to be enough in the case of men who lack self-efficacy in conjunction with their shame struggles.)

I rarely see guys on this forum who are interested in pick-up from a place of self-amusement, fun, and pleasure. Probably 90% of the time, it's guys who don't feel enough trying to use pick-up to improve themselves to try to make themselves enough.

And even if a guy gets good at pick-up, this will never resolve that shame. He'll just transfer it onto the women that sleep with him. And he'll devalue them because "If they like me, they must not be worthy".

Like Mark Twain said "I wouldn't belong to a club that would have me."

This is so true, and most men don’t grasp this principle because they’re too stuck in "logic." They have a psychological meltdown when they see a guy who is objectively “unattractive” get a hot girl - just because he’s not trapped in his head, obsessing over his inadequacy.

There’s an incredible documentary about the infamous incel Elliot Rodger, who became so consumed by this self-denying cycle of “fixing himself” to lose his virginity that he completely lost his mind, spiraling into a violent killing spree before taking his own life - all while being, by any objective standard, above-average in looks. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYMcymxoyh0

This is actually a profound metaphor for life itself and directly ties into what Nietzsche and Deleuze critique about Western metaphysics - its obsession with negation, lack, and self-denial. Thinkers like Hegel and Lacan emphasize a fundamental irreconcilable lack, whereas a philosophy of affirmation and overflowing sees desire not as deficit, but as a force of creation. The Western mind, trapped in lack, is never satisfied - always postponing joy, always seeking to “fix” itself rather than simply being.

I see this every day in sales - colleagues working themselves into exhaustion, perfecting their tonality, pitch, and delivery, grinding 60-hour weeks only to face rejection after rejection. Meanwhile, I just pick up the phone from a state of openness - and I’ve hit President’s Club two years in a row (sorry, weird flex, I know). The principle holds across all domains: the more you force, the more you repel. The more you allow, the more you attract. 

Of course, there’s a natural pull toward self-improvement and mastery, and I’m very much invested in that. But it comes from a place of already being enough - not from trying to fill some void, but from overflowing with excess that has to spend itself.

[Emerald]

29 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

This is so true, and most men don’t grasp this principle because they’re too stuck in "logic." They have a psychological meltdown when they see a guy who is objectively “unattractive” get a hot girl - just because he’s not trapped in his head, obsessing over his inadequacy.

There’s an incredible documentary about the infamous incel Elliot Rodger, who became so consumed by this self-denying cycle of “fixing himself” to lose his virginity that he completely lost his mind, spiraling into a violent killing spree before taking his own life - all while being, by any objective standard, above-average in looks. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYMcymxoyh0

This is actually a profound metaphor for life itself and directly ties into what Nietzsche and Deleuze critique about Western metaphysics - its obsession with negation, lack, and self-denial. Thinkers like Hegel and Lacan emphasize a fundamental irreconcilable lack, whereas a philosophy of affirmation and overflowing sees desire not as deficit, but as a force of creation. The Western mind, trapped in lack, is never satisfied - always postponing joy, always seeking to “fix” itself rather than simply being.

I see this every day in sales - colleagues working themselves into exhaustion, perfecting their tonality, pitch, and delivery, grinding 60-hour weeks only to face rejection after rejection. Meanwhile, I just pick up the phone from a state of openness - and I’ve hit President’s Club two years in a row (sorry, weird flex, I know). The principle holds across all domains: the more you force, the more you repel. The more you allow, the more you attract. 

Of course, there’s a natural pull toward self-improvement and mastery, and I’m very much invested in that. But it comes from a place of already being enough - not from trying to fill some void, but from overflowing with excess that has to spend itself.

100% 

Shame is an unfortunately common motivator for people's actions. And it keeps people on a hamster wheel of never feeling enough... but instead trying to become enough before they can truly live.