Schizophonia’s Journal

[Schizophonia]

Day 13 

I barely slept today despite being tired, maybe about 2 to 4 hours in total to give a fairly wide range?

I still have here and there difficulties dissociating myself enough to fall asleep, the line is fine, it only takes a little too much vigilance to switch from a potential normal night of 6 to 8 hours to no sleep at all or almost; To be able to fall asleep, or even simply be more amnesic, you have to be able to suppress your attention, dilute it: Switch to thoughts of lesser importance with what I could call the technique of ("let it go, it's not important") lol, slow down the speed of mental speech in general, suppress sleep anxiety by totally accepting the possibility of not sleeping and the consequences (which is actually the easiest, from my point of view).
With insomnia and other problems that I have had, I have learned to be much more detached, but sometimes it is not enough and this kind of thing happens, the important thing is that it sometimes goes in the right direction.

The one who inspired me to make this journal, even if he talks mostly about seminal retention and some kind of personal development topics, suffers from ADHD and explained that he resorts here and there to sleeping pills or melatonin to be able to fall asleep, he also admitted to being on light doses of risperidone to calm his hyperactivity.

 

[Schizophonia]

10 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Neville had an extraordinary abnormal level of baseline Consciousness.

All of his teachings hinge on the assumption that the practitioner is operating from nigh-psychedelic super-mind. He of course doesn't tell you this because I don't think Neville ever realized how braindead the average human is lol. He often talks of the masses as living under a conditioned spiritual sleep, but the assumption that you can rip through these chains with a simple flex of imagination is underselling the problem.

 

His teachings will not work for average people with average minds. Much of the online fanaticism around law of assumption is echo-chamber ideology and group-think, placebo, hopium and an ego circle jerk. To actually invoke "law of assumption," you have to in some sense master consciousness which is an endlessly complex and personal endeavor. Gurus won't get you there, stories from other humans won't get you there, you must develop autonomous mind, and lower self must hand the reins over to higher self and merge into One Will, and it's not obvious at all how to reliably do this.

Shitty human imagination does not have sufficient horsepower to influence the trajectory of this dream. It's our job to dig deep and unearth more horsepower. This is done in solitude with heightened consciousness. Books and gurus and advice from humans will hold you back.

You can operate the law of attraction in an orthodox way by following Neville's advice, the law works the same way whether you understand, are aware of its operation or not.

I think that an average but intelligent and healthy person could master and accept this new paradigm with the implications, I also think that a spiritual person could completely fail to obtain a greater creative power because it would threaten one's ego, in particular those who come from the blue stage spirituality (typically Abrahamic religions) or even worse (shamanism). These people will never really accept living in a simulation and this will block awareness.

I have no problem with hopium ahah, the goal is of course still selfish even if paradoxically it requires a higher degree of detachment because you have to understand that you don't have something because you pretend to want it, and have something because it's what you really want at some point.
I see it everywhere and in everyone now, it's blatant, even if I'm not yet conscious enough to observe the phenomenon from a less superficial level.

I see it as an evolution of the basic human game that we (me and most of my mirrors) play. Now we play (are conscious) essentially the game of Newtonian physics, of distance, of having or not having, and by extension of the downstream minigames, in fractal models, like the big psycho-social minigame of the hero and the victim; I see the human experience as a fractal of play (= selfish experiences).
We will switch to a game of greater oppulence, which btw corresponds with the arrival of technological singularity ; That of quantum physics, the goal will be awakening. The goal will be more to have or not 100,000€ or a girlfriend with flowers in hairs and a big buttocks👺 , but to understand that it is a projection in a game of self-discovery. This is also what Bashar Daryl says about alien civilizations, even if I don't have an opinion on this character it seems logical to me.

Hoping that I did not answer beside eheh.

 

 

Edited February 6 by Schizophonia

[RendHeaven]

23 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

big buttocks👺

👺👺👺

[Schizophonia]

54 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

👺👺👺

Then it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it. 🤏 🤏

[Schizophonia]

Day 14

I slept well today 🫨

I will have more energy to manifest a delicious viking foid and 100,000€ cash.

Yum 

 

I'm not going to go into details today, I really don't have time, I'm really making this post for the sake of regularity
But what I really miss the most, jokes aside, is vitality; Not so much in the sense of physical energy but really vibrational.
I don't feel bad, not depressed, in fact I've never really had suicidal or dark thoughts in general even in cases of extreme stress, but it seems that I still live overall, most of the time, in a fairly dry and poor frequency to my taste
This is the conclusion that I can have here and there when I enter a particularly deep and unusual state of satisfaction, in fact in these states I even happen to feel what seems to be a rise of Kundalini: I can feel a sensation of pleasant heat in the body and more particularly in the lower spine.
Not the anus or the sex, not an erogenous zone, but at the level of the coccyx, maybe a little above.

Ideally I would be physically overpowered, very courageous, rational, with a lot of libido; And at the same time hyperintuitive, supercreative, with a lot of visions, creativity, and a natural inclination to be .high"

I want to become an alien bodybuilder with 300 qi, master of manifestation lol.

Maybe in the near future we will see 👺, nevermind. 

 

Edited February 7 by Schizophonia

[RendHeaven]

6 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

manifest a delicious viking foid

👺👺👺

I love this journal

6 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

I don't feel bad, not depressed, in fact I've never really had suicidal or dark thoughts in general even in cases of extreme stress, but it seems that I still live overall, most of the time, in a fairly dry and poor frequency to my taste

...

Ideally I would be physically overpowered, very courageous, rational, with a lot of libido; And at the same time hyperintuitive, supercreative, with a lot of visions, creativity, and a natural inclination to be .high"

I understand deeply this discrepancy between average embodied day VS mental ideal.

I face similar conflict semi-regularly, but I'm ever so slowly closing the gap.

I think it's important to accept that you may never fully embody your ideal.

That may sound defeatist or like a negative manifestation, but I see it as radical surrender and truth.

However you turn out, you gotta love that. It's simply not in your interest to judge yourself for not living up to a standard.

But that doesn't mean that you should do away with all standards. I think it's good to hold an ideal, and to approach it slowly in an asymptotic manner.

If you even fulfill 80% of your ideal by your deathbed, you will have lived a truly rich life.

[Schizophonia]

13 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

👺👺👺

I love this journal

Eheh.

I'm waiting for my hidden asian brother's one 

13 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I understand deeply this discrepancy between average embodied day VS mental ideal.

I face similar conflict semi-regularly, but I'm ever so slowly closing the gap.

I think it's important to accept that you may never fully embody your ideal.

That may sound defeatist or like a negative manifestation, but I see it as radical surrender and truth.

However you turn out, you gotta love that. It's simply not in your interest to judge yourself for not living up to a standard.

But that doesn't mean that you should do away with all standards. I think it's good to hold an ideal, and to approach it slowly in an asymptotic manner.

If you even fulfill 80% of your ideal by your deathbed, you will have lived a truly rich life.

Dw It's just daydreaming, basically.
For the moment my concrete goals are obviously much more humble things and I am satisfied with that.

[Schizophonia]

Day 15

There are people who are manic enough to impulsively, quickly generate, visualize a new vision of themselves with enough attachment to it to hold on to it with a curious force.
This is the case of my mother who after having smoked for several decades suddenly stopped; She had become hysterical for a week or two lol, but she had held on to this new vision of herself as a "non-smoker" and the prospect of smoking again triggered a feeling of shame.

I am not like that, I am more like my father (in between the two basically) who lives much more in the present moment.
It is a very good psychological disposition to have responsibilities, to manage things that are usually particularly stressful for most people, moreover my father has always been a hard worker and an entrepreneur, and has generally earned a very good living; But here it is, he doesn't want to stop smoking or drinking, even with health problems, because he has little emotional energy that pushes him to move ; It's a bit like "a bull's psyche"

As for me, if I just "no fap to see what happens" like during nofap november, I know for sure that I will relapse and wallow in decadence after 24 hours 👺, because my phlegmatism/cynicism will take over again and I will say to myself "oh what's the point, it's useless".
I need to visualize, see and feel this future, to put a real effort into it, to tangibly register myself in something tangibly promising; It's really essential , Then when the habit is formed, it will be formed firmly.

Seminal retention kills two birds with one stone, if you have the motivation to hold on you will get even more motivation in the medium/long term thanks to the absence of a prolactin peak and the exhaustion of certain neurotransmitters, exhaustion of vital energy in general.

 

[Schizophonia]

Day 16

I've been very interested in nutrition since my sophomore year of high school; At the time I was quite orthorexic and afraid of gaining weight, so I wanted a diet, or a way of eating that would guarantee that this wouldn't happen. I was actually a little overweight in middle school, it wasn't too bad and it quickly went away with growth, but because of some bad experiences and my tendency to obsess (which has dulled a lot in recent years for some reason, to the point where I now consider myself more detached than the normal person on any subject), it was enough to twist my relationship with food and the body for a while. So I peeled what was available on the internet, to the point where today I must know basically all the diets and their gurus lol:

-NPC balanced plant based diet (dr greger)
-The more orthorexic version of the precious one (Fuhrman)
-Plant based HCLF starchivore diet (McDougall)
-Plant based HCLF both high sugar high starch diet (Durian Rider/Freelee banana girl)
-Plant based HCLF fruiratian (Doug Graham, Robert Morse, John Rose...)
-Plant based HFLC (Markus Rothkranz, Lou Corona)
-HCLF omnivore/Vertical diet (Stan Efferding)
-Keto (Eric berg, Sten ekberg)
-Meat based Keto (Shawn Baker, Chaffee, Bart Kay, Robert Klitz...)
-Meat based with carbs, primal style (Aaujus Vonderplanitz, Sv3rige, Tufano...)
-Meat based with carbs including starch (Paul Saladino).
-Paleo Diet (Julien Venesson).
-FODMAPs free diet.

-Ray Peat Diet
-Doing anything (Vegetable police 😅)

Obviously I haven't tried them all, I'm not that mentally ill 👺, but I've experimented with some of them over time.

The worst experience was a diet high in starch and low in animal products, especially with lots of beans and grains (or pseudo grains) competes; Made me basically stupid, lots of brain fog to the point where I couldn't pass my driving test as was planned at the time, and turned me into a human jet pack so much that I could get gas, you wouldn't have wanted to be my girlfriend at that time👺 ; It's not very sexy but it's the truth.
In fact it was so bad, that I sometimes had attacks of colitis here and there in the evening, I sometimes finished my philosophy class in the last year of high school (it was the class of the week I finished the latest) by bending over because of abdominal pain.
All these different problems resolved themselves when I completely stopped these foods, no matter how I tried to prepare them.

The second serious experiment was a "meat based with starch" diet, a bit like Paul Saladino does today; It was already much easier, no abdominal problems and a great calm, whereas during my vegan experience I was regularly angry and disdainful.
I finally stopped because of the cost and the food diversity, I like cooking, and I don't want to stress too much about food anymore, and in fact even if I let people do what they want, even if I leave them royal peace, well in fact I find it ridiculous to lower oneself to that; I don't want my life, my nervous system, my limits to revolve around something as anecdotal as food, especially when like me you come from a country where food is greatly associated with a moment of pleasure, sharing, even art and a country where more or less everyone knows how to cook.
All I have been able to observe concretely is that consuming too many legumes or dairy products (especially from cows) caused significant intestinal and cognitive problems, as well as eating a diet that is not "nutritious" enough in general.
Eating too much saturated fat seems to cause headaches, but this is a correlation that I observed without paying too much attention to it at a time when I was interested in Ray Peat, so it may just be bullshit.

But it's not only with food that I played, but also with medications: Obviously psychedelics, eheh, but especially sedatives in the context of my severe insomnia.
Benzodiazepines, "light" gabaergics (Aswhagandha...), trycyclics (Mirtazapines), atypical antidepressants (Trazodone), antihistamines (Cyproheptadine, Doxylamine...), taking gelatin to "suppress serotonin" (which makes no sense, a ray peat bullshit), magnesium, zinc, taurine, or even high doses of metalonin....
These are all traps, immediately; From the first dose they will screw up your ability to fall asleep the following night by rebound effect, regardless of tolerance, and will re-enrich sleep anxiety ("what will happen if I don't take the medication tonight?").

So I no longer take any supplements or even less medication, for all the reasons I have given or tacitly suggested previously.
The only two supplements I take today (I lied🫨) are a multivitamin and mineral ("All-in-one" from PureEncapsulation) and omega 3 EPA/DHA/DPA supplements based on algae.

The only health-oriented angle of view that interests me at the moment, by extension of my interest in Neville Goddard and the law of attraction, in solipsism, is the work of Joe Dispenza.
I love Joe, uncle Joe is basically an athlete who during a cycling event (probably triathlon, from memory) fractured his vertebrae and became basically disabled.
He was supposed to have an operation that was essentially just to reduce his pain, but motivated by his readings on esotericism, in particular the famous book "Autobiography of a Yogi" of Paramahansa Yogananda he decided not to do this medical intervention and to try to repair his spinal column himself via visualization and meditation exercises, by "calling on the source at the origin of everything" to paraphrase him.
It was successful, now it's not so much that it works but he is at the head of a company that allows thousands of people around the world each year to reverse extremely serious and often supposedly irreversible pathologies through the same teachings, such as autoimmune diseases, terminal cancer, disabilities, invertility, a stroke that has exploded part of the brain, etc. etc.
Joe Dispenza has the most rational approach possible to try, by his own admissions, to seduce the most skeptical people; so he will generally rationalize his results via work on brain waves and epigenetics, but he is actually fundamentally a non-dual thinker perfectly in agreement with the statements of monist people like Leo Gura.
Joe has tons of testimonies on his youtube channel, it's incredible, probably in the top 3 of my influences in recent years.

 

Edited February 9 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 17

I barely slept today, probably because of latent stress: A lot of rumination, bursts of limiting beliefs and fears in general.
I even relapsed in the hope that it would help me sleep 🤷‍♂️, I think it helped but it's a shame.

The "damage" is done, ho'oponopono, I'm resuming my retention.

 

Something special happened, I had a particularly psychedelic and generally strange lucid dream.

I don't understand exactly how it works yet, it usually happens to me without realizing it when I fall asleep at a particularly late hour like say between 4 and 8 in the morning.

Joe Dispenza advises doing his practices around these hours to obtain a mystical experience because of memory, the state of brain waves and the concentration of melatonin, which makes sense.

So as I was saying, I entered a strange psychedelic state with a higher degree of consciousness, a greater omnipotence.
The first thing I did was compulsively, for some reason, provoke a bad trip; I had the image of Marge Simpson (don't ask me why lol) who was screaming in a rather horrific nightmare vibe and, suddenly denying my creative power, I wondered why this is happening? What is the point behind all this? Why are you doing this God? And suddenly, as if I had regained awareness of my power, I decided to "go elsewhere" with my consciousness.

Somehow I ended up switching to more emotionally neutral visions based on machine scapes, or rather modern art visions that seemed to be generated by an AI.
Suddenly I see that all this seems in reality to be a projection in a movie, from memory there is what seems to be a juror or spectators, and a voice tells me, to the real ego Valentin (it is still a lucid dream) something like "If you manage to master this, you will win everything" or "If you manage to master this, you will explode everything (in the sense of going up)".

The third scene is the one where I am the least lucid, I am present in a luxurious Thai massage parlor and a worker offers me a formula that includes French kisses on the cheeks, it is weird but I accept.
There was a formula that explicitly proposed sexual relations , but it was only available on Sundays.

The last scene finally took place in what was supposed to be my sister's apartment; There was a scenario with my mother and sister that I basically forgot, but this time I was both lucid, aware of being in a dream.
Anomalies started to occur like the appearance of wacky entities; there were cats with only hind legs, and human body parts like women or feet that were walking around.
It wasn't hostile, but it was scary to experience and I always had the temptation to try to wake up; I was torn between this temptation, and the will to stay out of curiosity.
At the same time as I walk around the room and do things, a voice in English comments on what is happening and gives me advice, a bit like in the game "The Stanley Parable".
One of the advices I remember was "Valentin shouldn't turn on the light, to avoid visualizing things that could scare him more".
The dream ends with me needing to go to the bathroom, and on the way there, lots of cats obsessively throw themselves at the door when they see that I'm going to open it, and I wake up in confusion.

[Schizophonia]

Day 18

I don't have much inspiration today, it will be shorter than usual. 

I'm going to borrow a camera to take pictures of myself, so probably in about 3 weeks/1 month I have to go to Toulouse for that and incidentally to do a first English boxing session.

I don't have any pictures for my instagram, linkedin or anything except mediocre selfies. At first I didn't take pictures for self-esteem reasons, but in recent years it was mainly due to lack of social life, conditions in general ; I actually like taking pictures of myself, besides being bossy I'm vain lol, My ""dream"" has always been to be a spokesperson, politician or guru ; I like the idea of presenting myself and embodying something.

I also have to practice making videos, I wanted to make some for this journal a while ago but I was lethargic and didn't have the equipment for it, so the attempts were mainly cringe shit.

We will see. 

[Schizophonia]

 

[Salvijus]

16 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

 

Are you into his breathing method practice? 

[Schizophonia]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Are you into his breathing method practice? 

Not really, I had tried a bit after reading his book eheh, but I had other things to do and I didn't know if I was doing it correctly so I forgot a bit.
Do you have any experience?

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Do you have any experience?

No I get weird unpleasant simptoms from doing breathing exercises so I shy away from them. But Joe Dispenza is an interesting one. 

Edited February 12 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

Day 19

My first encounter with the world of politics was during the 2012 presidential elections.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_French_presidential_election

At the time I was in primary school, so obviously I didn't understand much about it yet lol, but that didn't stop my father, who didn't like the president at the time at all without really knowing what to do, from taking me to the voting booth, to the polling station for the first round, where he presented me with two ballots; One was the favorite at the time, from the center left, who finally won in the second round, (François Hollande) and the other was the candidate at the time "from the extreme right" (Marine Le Pen).
Repeating what some people in my class had told me about Le Pen, I asked my dad to put the ballot for François Hollande, which he did.

Several years later, I must have been 11/12 years old, I was in middle school at the time, on my way to middle school I heard on the radio the intervention of what would become until today the main extreme left personality in France (Jean Luc Mélenchon); The latter was in a face to face with an interviewer, and was talking about the boss of Air France having been vaguely molested and having his shirt torn off by demonstrators after having taken the decision to lay off several thousand employees while giving himself a raise.

I agreed (it always happens to me to agree here and there with the left and even the extreme left on certain issues) and in any case interested, and it was quite naturally that I started, that same evening, to watch the interview again among others.
I started to see left-wing content, but also, open-minded as I was, right and even quickly interventions from so-called far-right personalities like Marine Le Pen, who would later become the systematic challenger of each presidential election; It is not crazy to say that she will also most likely be the next French president in 2027.
I know I am open to left-wing issues, but I also know that immigration is a big problem when you see entire cities being ethnically replaced, and when you see that crimes, in increasing numbers, are systematically generated by black or Arab people.

It's not just immigration, it's also the French state machine that is crushing entrepreneurs and employers in general, even and especially small businesses, it's also the ideological grip of public institutions.
School is a machine for producing anti-racist or pro-LGBT propaganda; conveying left-wing ideology in general, especially language courses.
Sometimes this grip is even seen on a global scale during certain events like the recent Paris Olympic Games ceremony.
It's a bit unfortunate to say, but I believe that wherever there is too much job security, especially work automatically paid for by the state, it gives legitimacy to people to use their social positions for other reasons than the reason they are supposed to be paid.

It is not about being a Nazi, it is not about having a fascist project, even ethno-racialist by implying that all non-whites are intrinsically a problem; It would be profoundly stupid and it is this stupidity that has in fact led Europe to the world wars and in fact by domino effect to the problems we have today.
We must be highly rational, have a refined reasoning; We want to preserve the security and genomic/cultural integrity of Europe and for that we will have to be much stricter in terms of immigration and why not propose remigration policies.

As a result of all the elections in which I have been able to vote since I came of age I have voted for Mrs. Lepen/National Rally or Eric Zemmour/Reconquest, another right-wing party.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Rally

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconquête

 

Edited February 12 by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-02-06 at 11:58 AM, Schizophonia said:

he also admitted to being on light doses of risperidone to calm his hyperactivity.

I will switch to this med in march I’ll see how it compares to olanzipine

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-02-07 at 7:50 PM, Schizophonia said:

I don't feel bad, not depressed, in fact I've never really had suicidal or dark thoughts in general even in cases of extreme stress,

You’re strong

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I will switch to this med in march I’ll see how it compares to olanzipine

Hi, how are you?
Keep us posted.

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Hi, how are you?
Keep us posted.

I’m fine

how are you?

I’ll tell you how it goes