Schizophonia’s Journal

[Schizophonia]

Day 4/5/6 

I’m at Toulouse for some reasons for 4 days.

I "voluntarily" relapsed (👺)to see if all this was just a placebo (and also because i was at a point where i lacked willpower, i was unhappy for some reasons, nevermind) but it was clearly not worth it, i lost motivation again, i feel more miserable; I am clearly going back to seminal retention for an indefinite period.

You can't watch pornographic images in seminal retention, it will break your defenses, same story for any addiction in fact; I'm not addicted to pornography at all, but i haven't identified enough with seminal retention yet either. Ultimately this is what the will is based on: conditioning, the concept of self.

Seminal retention is a gift from God granted to men. It is a driving force that accumulates and which alone has therapeutic effects on the body but also and especially the mind: It removes learned helplessness and bad karma in general, contrary to what one might think it will not push you to want to fuck a goat or a keyhole lol 🫨, but on the contrary it will break limiting beliefs, and make you more quarrelsome, demanding; Seminal retention will make you a man, it is more important than meditation, and it is just as hard or even harder (if you have normal testosterone   ), in a different way.

 

Sleep is ok, oddly enough I can fall asleep well now. I feel depressed, lack of sleep “artificially” increases the levels of certain neurotransmitters/modulators (glutamate, catecholamines, histamine…) and i guess that by sleeping better it gave rise to a crash; At least i feel it quite well.

 

When i get back on Thursday i will make a post to explain psychoanalysis ideas, i didn’t have the courage (=motivation, it is a French expression i hit) to put into form my ruminations (=thoughts) on the subject; I am mainly interested in Lacan and Freud, i sometimes call upon notions of Jung but it is not what interests me the most: I find his system too abstract, even cumbersome. There are also other psychoanalysts still with their system, their point of view (Reich, Fromm, Deleuze, Arthur Janov, even Ken Wilber it seems eheh) in which i have not yet been interested.

 

Edited January 28 by Schizophonia

[The Crocodile]

Yep reading your aura you lack energy, your pecker is just for peeing dude.

[Sugarcoat]

21 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

I "voluntarily" relapsed (👺)to see if all this was just a placebo

I see you’re being scientifically rigorous 

[Sugarcoat]

21 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

but i haven't identified enough with seminal retention yet either. Ultimately this is what the will is based on: conditioning, the concept of self.

I can relate to this. When we identify as a person who is a certain way or does something it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy so we’re more likely to gain momentum and maintain it

[Schizophonia]

54 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I see you’re being scientifically rigorous 

 

[Schizophonia]

Day 6

My next major post was supposed to appear on this journal but i decided to actually make it a post: It will be about masculinity and maturity in general, it will basically be about popularizing psychoanalysis.
I could define myself as Lacanian, because most of the ideas, concepts of the little paradigm that i have built up have been borrowed from him; But i actually happen to prefer Freudian notions, or even Jungian ones here and there out of ignorance, or because it seems more intuitive to me: Out of comfort in general.

I'm tired and want to apply myself so this post will be out by Sunday, probably before.

[Schizophonia]

I'm a Barbie giiiiiiirl, in the Barbie woo oo orld
Life in plastic, it's fantaasssstIC 

🕺🫨

[RendHeaven]

On 1/29/2025 at 7:31 AM, Schizophonia said:

I "voluntarily" relapsed (👺)

lol👺

[Michael569]

On 28/01/2025 at 10:31 PM, Schizophonia said:

I "voluntarily" relapsed (👺)to see if all this was just a placebo (and also because i was at a point where i lacked willpower, i was unhappy for some reasons, nevermind) but it was clearly not worth it, i lost motivation again, i feel more miserable; I am clearly going back to seminal retention for an indefinite period.

Sorry for commenting on your private journal, tell me off and I'll delete this

I used to be sceptical about the whole nofap thing but maybe the key is in moderation rather than complete abstinence? I think obsessive masturbation is probably pretty damaging both mentally and physiologically, can lead to premature ejaculation problem and poor erections if/once a man has an intimate partner, not to mention frying our dopaminergic and serotonergic circuits too often. 

But maybe a moderate amount of it sorta keeps you balanced? Male biology is quite hardwired towards regular sexual arousal so I don't know if complete abstinence is even that great long term. Maybe the trick could be to approach it mindfully and ...well, with tact and dignity? I mean like, making time and space for it, having privacy, knowing you won't be jumped on by a parent /. sibling and all of that rather than obsessively masturbating to a phone screen 5 times a day that lot of guys do. 

So if then one extreme is obsessive masturbation, the other extreme is a nofap and your role (until you have an intimate partner) is to use it almost like a tool for mental regulation? Dunno, I'm just speculating. 

Edited Friday at 12:14 PM by Michael569

[Schizophonia]

8 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Sorry for commenting on your private journal, tell me off and I'll delete this

No pb.

Quote

I used to be sceptical about the whole nofap thing but maybe the key is in moderation rather than complete abstinence? I think obsessive masturbation is probably pretty damaging both mentally and physiologically, can lead to premature ejaculation problem and poor erections if/once a man has an intimate partner, not to mention frying our dopaminergic and serotonergic circuits too often. 

But maybe a moderate amount of it sorta keeps you balanced? Male biology is quite hardwired towards regular sexual arousal so I don't know if complete abstinence is even that great long term. Maybe the trick could be to approach it mindfully and ...well, with tact and dignity? I mean like, making time and space for it, having privacy, knowing you won't be jumped on by a parent /. sibling and all of that rather than obsessively masturbating to a phone screen 5 times a day that lot of guys do. 

So if then one extreme is obsessive masturbation, the other extreme is a nofap and your role (until you have an intimate partner) is to use it almost like a tool for mental regulation? Dunno, I'm just speculating. 

Thanks for your point of view. If i had a partner i could ejaculate if it pleased her for some reason lol, if i really can't hold it i would learn to inejaculate.
But otherwise i might as well just stay chaste for now, there are only benefits.

Edited Friday at 08:53 PM by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 7

I have 2 books to read this week.

 

Discover Totsky by Jean Batou is a book about the communist thinker and creator of the red army, a priori i'm not communist even if i agree with some marxist axioms but the book is short and i wanted to see what  was in it.

It was advised in a video where one of the most famous French communist activists of the century (Olivier Besancenot) intervened, i can like some of his interventions here and there even if i have a lot of disagreements: He was a postman and the youngest politician to run for election in the 5th French Republic.

 

Jung, a travel toward ourself by Frédéric Lenoir is a biography and popularization of Carl Jung's ideas: Here again i am not so much a fan of the Jungian paradigm, Jung insisted on going beyond the fundamental causes of the human psychic structure and the differences between individuals regarding this structure (i.e. sexuality; Relationship to power, relationship to the phallus, the Oedipus complex) to generate a more complex, more conceptual paradigm, with more abstract and even mythological notions (Archetypes). Carl Jung was far from being an ascetic but was nevertheless very spiritual, he was both attached to Christianity, to the figure of Christ, but also to mysticism, to oriental ideas.

 

 

Edited Friday at 09:49 PM by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 8 

This is my city eheh.

It is indeed a fairly pleasant city to live in and also touristy. There is a city center with a typical medieval setting, but a modern and even quite gentrified "suburb"; There is fiber optics everywhere, a fairly large middle school and high school, lots of restaurants, shops... The biggest drawbacks would be the lack of employment, the price, and the somewhat stupid organization of the city.

I have lived in several cities: The best city i have lived in was Strasbourg; Rents are expensive but it is particularly pretty, the architecture is typical of northern France and western Germany. It is also an eco-friendly city that is organized to facilitate transport by bike, there is a cycle path everywhere and the city is relatively flat so it is all the easier to get around like that.

Perpignan was the worst, it's a super ugly shithole, quite dangerous and full of gypsies. Fortunately i was not there directly but in a small tourist town nearby which i have already spoken about in another post.

 

 

To return to seminal retention (which i only recently started again so lol 😅 nevermind), i contemplated how the condamental cause of addiction was the fear of castration, the defense mechanism that the Lacanian who introduced me to psychoanalysis (Richard Abibon) will associate somewhere with the so-called death drive.

It would seem (and i agree with him when i think back to certain specific behaviors that i had as a child) that the goal of the death drive is to inhibit the castration anxiety (=amputation, degradation, humiliation...) by reliving the trauma, or a degrading scene in general, in an active way rather than being passive; that's all that rumination or worse PTSD is about. 

I will talk about this in my next topic which should come out between tomorrow and tuesday evening.

[Schizophonia]

Day 9 

I only had one experience with Ketamine (S-ketamine supposedly, maybe the seller screwed me and sold me racemic or an rc like 2-FDCK, i don't know and nevermind), i was sharing an apartment at the time and my roommate was temporarily gone for some reason, probably school holidays.

 

I had a small table in my room, i clean it well and put down the equivalent, from memory, of 100 to 200mg of powder to give a fairly wide range, before crushing it and snorting it. It's a fairly significant volume but it's very easy to snort, much more than 5 MeO DMT for example which quickly resembles snorting pepper even at much lower amounts, and it also goes up very quickly; I don't even have time to finish my lines that i feel my head spinning and confusion setting in.
Once finished, i sit on my bed in the strangest feeling i have ever experienced, on the same level as LSD or 5 MeO Mipt but in a completely different way. The loss of motor mobility sets in, my head is like a moving camera with a significant latency time between the nervous order to move it and the result, it was quite funny, somehow like being in a video game.I look at the cloud through the window, it was a bit like it was "magical", "special".

So I decide to lie down, the taste of ketamine is unpleasant but i still enjoy what seemed to be the best of all the relaxations i have experienced in my life; It was like being in a cocoon, imagine napping next to a fireplace with a rum when it is winter but even deeper and more pleasant. I have some hallucinations, including objects that "crawl" lol: I had a light on the ceiling that looked a bit like the lamp you can see in the intro of Pixar movies, it had come to life and "crawled" indefinitely on my ceiling, without paradoxically moving, a painting also started to do the same thing.

 

In terms of my behavior i, incidentally, became the most goofy and social man in the world: It was exactly like being drunk, i held back but i wanted to get back in touch with random people to mess around.

Finally, the ketamine went down and I was able to get out of bed, and I went back on the contrary, by rebound effect, in a rather manic but also antisocial effect.

 

For about a week, even though i had only taken a single dose of an average dosage, i suffered from a moderate craving: To give an equivalent, it was like being on a diet for a while and knowing that there is a Kinder in the drawer, or having spent the day in the sun without drinking and knowing that there is a full fresh bottle of Evian in the fridge.
I completely understand how people become totally addicted, especially if they are particularly receptive, it is quite recreational and not so "spiritual", even if you dose more and get a k Hole (i have friends who had).
It can be nice to try as an antidepressant medication or even recreationally, it is still much less worse than an opiate or even MDMA, but it remains dangerous and without "pragmatic" interest. In fact even psychedelics do not have much therapeutic interest : I have never seen anyone who has benefited from psychedelics, i have in fact seen plenty of people that have did the experience of dozens or even hundreds of trips and continued to be dysfunctional, continued to be the effect of the reasons that drove them to consume these psychedelics in the first place. At most psychedelics seem to have a spiritual, intellectual interest; A tool that helps to have sufficiently extraordinary experiences and therefore to break certain beliefs about the universe, and possibly create concepts. They can also be good antidepressants in the short/medium term, but there you go...

 

 

Edited Sunday at 01:25 PM by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 10

Tomorrow i will have time, i will be able to write my topic quietly; I try to synthesizing a psychoanalytic explanation, rather Lacanian in inspiration even if i will automatically whip with what i found interesting from other psychoanalysts (Freud, Fromm ...), to masculinity and by extension to maturity in general. Leo has made videos, but it is never really theorized, most of his efforts are put into the creation of a particularly digestible and concrete message, it is like eating at a restaurant: The taste and the service are satisfactory, but it tells you nothing about what makes a good or bad dish, how it works ; That's not the same work.

I had started learning electrical engineering, but it quickly becomes very heavy to not say boring even at a few hours a week, and even if i want to show off on how intelligent and curious i am to be interested in this lol i don't want a priori to become an electrician either; So i returned to my usual passions, i also got back into meditation, today I will do 2 hours, that's the goal.

In terms of sports, i have started to work out a little more intensely, with a session every 2 days instead of every 3. I also plan to try English boxing for at least a few weeks next fall, and possibly continue; I was advised to try sambo, so that is also a possibility.
I like the completeness of this type of sport, it requires and develops discipline, courage, and the taming of violence; It is also and above all an art form, but it is physical.

 

Edited Monday at 02:41 PM by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 10

When you are a child, young in general, your neuroplasticity is very high because you seriously need to assimilate as much information as possible to build survival strategies.
Then, after adolescence, as you get older, neuroplasticity decreases significantly to make the performance of default mode tasks more efficient; this is why you become much more patient as you get older, the brain does not seek as much information, in fact it can even get used to seeking dangerously little.
This is what happens to some traumatized people, neurotics in general, who start to suffer from senility or even who have suffered brain damage; they become particularly slow and repetitive and actually push away new experiences, they will spend a lot of time in front of the TV watching the same things, playing the same games, cooking and eating the same things, etc.

Once again i blame Leo for being content to play his "super serious" persona and never trying to theorize maturity; Why do people become mature or on the contrary seem to maintain a childish behavior.

So i asked myself the question and contemplated a little on what sometimes prevented me from reacting in a rational, calm way, with the objective somewhere of guaranteeing my long-term goals, and reciprocally pushed me to react in a "deliquescent" and therefore ultimately rather destructive way.
I came to the conclusion that the part of me that pushed me to deliquescence was the one that refused, certainly a residual phenomenon of my oedipus complex, to take the father's (=powerful) place.

To put it simply, when you are a child, you are, "your mother's wife", your mother's substitute phallus.
From this position a feeling of libidinal omnipotence (and enjoyment) will be able to be expressed.
However, with maturation the libido will become sexualized and you will come up against the impossibility of sexual relations with the mother (= integration of the prohibition of incest) and competition with the father.
The father will therefore "castrate" you from this omnipotence, to fill the gap and find the power in question, you will have to capitulate the idea of being the center of the "absolute" world and rather conceive of yourself as the center of the "relative" world; In other words, rather than seeking to be powerful by being the cog of a higher force of unconstitutional love, you will rather find (and anyway be pushed by your male nervous system) enjoyment by playing on the contrary the "master", the pillar of energetic phenomena more fragile than you (women, business, maintenance of a big car... having a newspaper?).

To be the one who has the phallus rather than the one who is the phallus.

This is why, for example, women mainly seek to add things to themselves (long hair, long and colored nails, dresses, red lipstick, suspenders) while men will rather physically castrate themselves (go to the gym to be thin, shave their head or have a haircut, dress in black at least with simple clothes), because associating the phallus (the "more") with the identity directly associated with the subject would imply seeking to be a bigger substitute phallus, a substitute phallus for someone else; This is precisely what men do not want, men want to have power and therefore have power and therefore, once again, the anchoring, the center of gravity, etc. To seek too much, voluntarily, to have the insignia of the phallus tacitly means that one does not work for oneself, hence the cliché of pseudo-virilist repressed homosexuals.

Everyone is more or less neurotic, that is to say in cognitive dissonance having been separated by the oedipus complex from the feeling of omnipotence.
If the confrontation with the complex went badly, for example because of a bad relationship with the father or the father's substitutes (and this is certainly the case for most men today unfortunately), the personality may not succeed in identifying with the father, with the phallus, where however our libido expresses itself best and is normally the strategy automatically chosen with an equal system of limiting beliefs (superego), and curl up in a so-called neurotic functioning where the libido can continue to express itself in a regressive manner.

This is manifested by a so-called split behavior, articulated around the avoidance of the phallic position.
A "basic" part (which would explain why the vast majority of BDSM followers are essentially masochists lol, this time it's Freud; He who refuses to be phallic, including and especially women of course, also automatically unconsciously refuses through narcissism to dominate inferior subjects, and prefers even if it is less intuitive and satisfying to be a (submissive) cog of more phallic entities) which is passive and repetitive, and another "explosive" part, which "releases excrement" reacting to the injunction to adopt phallic behavior, because of the ingrained fear of adopting phallic behavior (serious, ingrained, reliable...).

So when we understand this, we understand that making men more mature essentially consists of making them understand that there is no advantage to functioning in a regressive manner, that it is an illusion due to cognitive dissonance, and that it is much more enjoyable, much more profitable to function in a phallic manner in any context (varies according to the people and their belief system).

 

Edited Monday at 07:40 PM by Schizophonia

[RendHeaven]

10 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

today I will do 2 hours, that's the goal.

How'd that go

[Schizophonia]

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

How'd that go

Good ty.

Even if i "cheated" and did 4 sessions of 30 minutes lol.

[Schizophonia]

Day 11

Franck Lopvet is one of my main "mentors" (in spite of himself) on my path both intellectual and spiritual, he is someone who has made self-exploration, self-awareness his battle path and he is the one from whom I hold the principle of the mirror effect.

Everything that we perceive in the universe, and automatically in others, is projection; It is not 70%, 90%, 99.9%, but the totality of what is perceived at each moment, for the simple reason that it is not possible to observe anything outside of our energetic structure.
To put it simply, remaining "physicalist", in the relative, the reason why you are able to experience the color red is that you have neurological patterns attributed to this color, the reason why you are able to experience jealousy is that you have patterns constituting jealousy, the reason why you are able to experience manipulation is, once again, that you possess these patterns, etc.

As Neville Goddard would say (in another context and same paradigm), mental discourse is the conscious part and maya is the unconscious part; Nature does not make useless things, what needs to be clarified (=made conscious) is what is subject to doubt (=what is not experienced), and what is actually integrated as true, what really wants to be true is what is projected on the maya (sometimes strangely quickly propelled towards you if necessary by synchronicities, if you believe in this kind of thing).

As Franck would say, humans are like paradoxical soap bubbles which, by "sticking" together, form a common border representing an emotion, a frequency; If I am lazy, I will automatically end up hanging around too much on my computer, hanging around too much on actualize lol, and coming across many people who do the same thing. If it is accepted that I am lazy, if it is not a subject, then there is no reason for neurological patterns associated with the perception of laziness to be activated, but in the opposite case then I will project the affect, the emotion perceived on the basis of the representation of this concept, that is to say for example (self)aggression, and I will start to say sentences like:

"You are really lazy, you have to move your fingers off your ass because otherwise x will happen to you".

This statement is not false and refutations are generally a way for the other to protect themselves against your accusation, or even to humiliate you (as in "humility") a little by tacitly exposing on your projection, and it is never completely true either because we can never completely grasp the situation of the other, but it is a message from the conscious ("masculine", one could say) you to your unconscious you; This is why men manifest more wealth and power in general than women, it is not very feminist to say but it is the truth, because men identify more with their conscious, with the divine which drives rather than with what is driven. As Owen Cook would say, men bring women back to God.

Women talk more and lie more (either directly or by omission) because they have more ego, they do not want to be hurt nor hurt (unconsciously to not be hut actually); As the one who inspired me to write this journal would say, women are often in conflict between their social constitution and their reptilian brain, what they desire.
I think that this is also the case for men, except that once again men are more identified with their conscious and in denial of their unconscious including the emotional process which is basically the intermediary between the two worlds; So men can find themselves continually experiencing "wanting" without experiencing "having" it because that would be being in the emotional, even if it is "masculine" emotional (=predation), while women who have a more accepted emotional world (even if it is more "victim", most of the time) are more likely to give in, hence the fact that most divorces are committed by women.

When you understand that the precise reason why, instead of doing anything else, a person preferred to end up on actualized, on the "dating" or "politics" sub-forum and write texts is that their brain is just excited by it, that is to say that it recognizes itself, then you understand that what is closest to the truth is the one that is not said and that everyone is only trying to persuade themselves of what they think must be the truth; If this is really what must happen then the emotional world will agree to manifest the evidence of this new truth.

For example, it may be that a woman (they are generally women, for the reasons I have cited) wants (well, her "higher self" we could say) to be cuddled and loved by a man, but that she is at the same time too attached to her world of victim.
So she will declare something like:

"I don't need a man, because men are x or y, I'm very good with my cats, who are you to say who I need! Blahblahblah, it's society that says that..."

So the woman will be able to continue to chronically see herself as a victim, keep her limiting beliefs in general, by diverting her desire into aggression, by transferring it onto others.

Either take a "masculine" position, that is to say, projection of the emotional onto the other ("No, don't worry, you'll find someone great, you're a nice woman, blahblahblah"), or take a feminine position and projection of the masculine, rational part, and therefore expression of the denial that takes place without the emotional, desire transformed into aggression (What are you saying! I don't need a man!)

Women don't like to have power, to use their "animus" as Jung would say, hence the anger.

Franki's only video in English, it's a bit old but still as good :