Schizophonia’s Journal

[Schizophonia]

Day 1

I lost a lot of time due to a prolonged period of almost 3 years of severe insomnia where i had between 1 to 4 sleepless nights per week. This insomnia was triggered by a combination of chronic stress, use of stimulants (especially coffee) and even testosterone/DHEA to see if it would improve my physical appearance (actually turned me into a psychopathic beef lol) and my sports performance.
Insomnia literally destroys you, you lose your motivation to do any type of work, your verbal and mental fluency, your humor, your empathy and even your physical appearance; It's really horrible, i can look like a 7 out of 10 on days when I slept particularly well and if possible avoided masturbation and sleeping pills, but otherwise be mistaken for an old heroin addict.

I wasted a lot of time doing nothing and now i don't have much money or a social circle, my life is kind of shit, but that said i can sleep again and the bad sleep cycle is mostly my fault which means i have the energy to be productive again.
I need more money, i want a professional career and/or a hobby, why not a sports career eheh, i want a nice car, i want to express my creativity.

Currently i feel like a person close to forty, i'm not a zombie but i clearly lack energy and libido, vitality in general, i can work, i think i can also more or less defend myself if i am physically attacked, i can do things in general but it's not optimal.

To help me both recover from my insomniac period and actually exploit my full potential i decided to take inspiration from a French youtuber (Thomas Mayer-Chéret) and to (among other things obviously) start seminal retention, it is not my only source but it is my main inspiration, it is one of the only youtubers that i still watch because i find him funny and pleasant to listen to, nevermind.

From a dual and rationalist point of view, seminal retention is supposed to allow the maximum accumulation of metabolic energy. On the one hand by removing the sedative "reward" caused by orgasm (prolactin spike) and then by allowing the accumulation of spermatozoa which it seems can be recycled by the body (hence the use of turmeric in certain spiritual practices, supposedly having the capacity to increase the destruction and recycling of spermatozoa for the benefit of the body (it is therefore not recommended to use too much turmeric if you want a child)).
From a point of view beyond duality, we could precisely say that seminal retention is a bridge from duality to non-duality, from the finite to the infinite; Empirically, deprivation of masturbation gives you the energy to manifest your selfish desires, the first time i had to deprive myself of masturbation for a long time was in high school because of a frenulum plastic surgery (which was not enough lol, which meant that i had to do in fine a circumcision, nevermind), and i who was usually shy, even cowardly, thought for the first time to see a random girl in my class to tell her that i liked her (which was not entirely true, but for some reason i had targeted her😂 ).

In this journal i will of course talk about seminal retention (i hope not to relapse obviously, but that should not happen), but also other subjects that are close to my heart, i spend a lot of time ruminating on many subjects without ever having the courage to put all that into form, this will be the opportunity. This journal is also and above all a way to finally get involved.

I will stop there for this first post, i have to keep some substance for the others eheh; The goal will be to make one post per day.

Edited Saturday at 02:35 PM by Sincerity

[Salvijus]

Hero's journey 

[Sugarcoat]

That was so well written you’re intelligent and deep

[Sugarcoat]

I’m doing “semen retention” too but just because I have no libido 

Edited January 23 by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

9 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

That was so well written

Thank you.

I actually want to do videos, but as i've already said to you once i don't want to lay a cringe shit.

So it will be a surprise.

9 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

you’re intelligent and deep

Oh thanks, you're smart too ; A very classy women in general.

13 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I’m doing “semen retention” too but just because I have no libido 

No it's because you don't produce semen (i hope).

[Sugarcoat]

21 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Thank you.

I actually want to do videos, but as i've already said to you once i don't want to lay a cringe shit.

So it will be a surprise.

Whatever you please

21 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

Oh thanks, you're smart too ; A very classy women in general.

Thanks

22 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

No it's because you don't produce semen (i hope).

🤫

[Schizophonia]

50 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

🤫

😬

46 minutes ago, Candle said:

She produces something else. Some females produce more, others less. Many of them don't know how to mastbate till orgasm. So unfortunate. 

That's why i have pianist fingers 

glove snap*

46 minutes ago, Candle said:

Edit : Posting limits reached today. 

And me the limit of dirty jokes.

[Schizophonia]

Day 2 

I'm proud i has been able to sleep 5/6hours tonight, not because i didn't success to sleep more but because i agreed to get up at 6:30 instead of staying in bed like i usually do if I wake up early; It's almost like i could hear my higher self whispering "Hey, do you want to go back or not?" in a somewhat yang way.

The biggest message of insomnia is detachment, the typical energy of self-abandonment that i can find in my father who also sleeps extremely well.

Sleep doctors don't go far enough when they explain to you that you must "agree to don't sleep" to actually break the sleep anxiety and finally be able to eventually fall asleep, they are bad psychoanalysts lol.
The real question is, are you ready to give up everything? Are you ready to never have a job or to suffer there, maybe never have a girlfriend, maybe never do "important" things in general because of fatigue?
And it is paradoxically when you have answered yes to all these questions, all these morbid eventualities, that sleep anxiety and compulsive thoughts finally disappear enough to be able to finally sleep and allowing you to habe the energy to conquer your life. The key is really to stop worrying too much about anything, anything stressful, that involves a power process. Of course this doesn't happen in one day, it's a whole set of fairly neurotic patterns that need to be gotten rid of, i should have seen a psychologist a long time ago but I'm stubborn, i want to manage everything by myself.

 

This is the big difference between "yang" , masculine energy, and "yin" energy, feminine; Men are not more attached to their life than to their power and the libidinal force (who is actually stress, technically) is essentially redirected to cultivate its own deadline. The man wants to cum and if he deprives himself of masturbation, he will lose his mind in work, he will make sure to buy big cars to feel as comfortable as possible, he will naturally seek to find his "cocoon", men are also more comfortable becoming homeless because the worst is not to lack comfort but to be free, but potentially to have comfort but to be a slave to another man.

 

My new goal for today is to practice one hour of visualization per day, and half an hour of meditation.

I want to be financially prosperous but also, as i already said in my first post, physically.
My maya is a bit at the level of Temu when it comes to what he has to offer for health lol; I know all the nootropics and supplements possible and especially for brain health (NSI 189, Dihexa, Cerebrolysin, Semax, Isoxazole-9, Racetams Nicotine and other cholinergic compounds, Methylene Blue, megadoses of vitamin b1, Melatonin...) but all have a certain financial cost and potentially unpleasant side effects, and none seem to have miraculous effects.

It is indeed Joe Dispenza who is the only personality i know who can make people recover their full health even when a stroke has exploded part of their brain, they have had terminal cancer, they suffer from infertility or any autoimmune disease.
Joe is a scientist who rationalizes as much as he can via relative concepts like the placebo effect or epigenetics, but behind this mask which is now essentially there to attract skeptical people he is essentially a non dual thinker and explains here and there that beyond appearances, duals and relatives, it is in fact about becoming sufficiently conscious again via meditation exercises to return to a more divine state and manifest, even materialize results in the maya, even in an urgent condition (from the ego).

Joe or no Joe, meditation seems to be the only practice that yields powerful physical and mental results depending on how it's done, meditation doesn't mean much in itself, and it's free.

 

 

Edited January 24 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 3 

Today i was able to sleep relatively well. It is a mistake to say that masturbation helps you sleep, orgasm is indeed sedative (in a dirty way, through prolactin) but actually increases anxiety in the medium term, and in the medium term i am talking about, without even needing to contemplate too much, just with a little attention, a significant increase in anxiety only a few minutes after orgasm.
Seminal retention allows you to stay in a more grounded psychic state that helps you sleep.
I thought about experimenting with Ashwagandha but it actually risks inducing dependence, since it acts as a mild gabaergic and antiglucocoticoid, i will stick to improving sleep hygiene by avoiding blue light and practicing a little visualization/meditation.
There was a time when i was constantly sedated in the hope of being able to sleep, but it was systematically a trap because it only takes one dose to suffer a rebound effect and sabotage falling asleep the next day. Mirtazapine was the drug that worked best, but it was so sedating that i felt like an old rat hollowed out at the bottom of a drawer the first few times i took it, the other times were better but it was always very sedating. Pure and hard antihistamines (doxylamine, cyproheptadine ...) are less bad, when i was traveling or generally had to get up in the morning for some reason i often took them systematically, the last time i had recourse to it was during a trip at the end of 2024, it is effective but it turns me a bit into a boring and bloated zombie. Benzodiazepines are the ones that sedate the least and have the least effects on appearance or mind, they are mainly anxiolytic, but suddenly they tend to suppress libido more and sleep is of poorer quality under benzodiazepine, it feels a bit like teleportation the next day without remembering dreams lol.
It is also not rare, i do not know if it is because of the peak of the medication or on the contrary the fall, to have horrible nightmares because of sleeping pills, like dreaming of being or seeing people being massacred.

 

 

I'm going to manifest a Peugeot 208 for the next Christmas 🫨, as my parents would say it came to me like a desire to shit lol.

It's a French car, I want to support the French industry which exists less and less because of the tax hell, bureaucracy, and inflation.

But if most French cars are ugly shit worthy of a communist hell, the new Peugeots for a decade have been able to adopt modern bodies that increasingly compete with German cars.

The Peugeot 208 is magnificent, and it's a versatile city car that's not too expensive.
The pureteck engine is suspected to be particularly unreliable but the electric version doesn't seem too bad.

 

 

 

Edited January 25 by Schizophonia

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

I'm going to manifest a Peugeot 208 for the next Christmas 🫨, as my parents would say it came to me like a desire to shit lol.

They say semen retention increases your manifestation power 💪 well played. 

Edited January 25 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Salvijus said:

They say semen retention increases your manifestation power 💪 well played. 

Yeah that makes sense since it increases motivation.
I might make a post about it but i also noticed that it actually decreased the stupid (neurotic) karma and made me fall back on healthy and balanced desires.

Edited January 25 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

Day 4

The first time i took LSD was at 18, I was in a tourist port city in the south of France, next to Spain (Cannet en Rousillon) to start studying computer science before finally switching to philosophy studies. I lived alone in a small studio for only 250 euros per month (lucky eheh) right next to the beach. It's a bit new age to say that but the vibe there is quite Mediterranean: It's very flat, there are palm trees everywhere, you can most of the time be in a t-shirt even in winter, it's calm, mild and "warm".

I got up at 6 or 5 in the morning, i took a shower and i dropped this 150ug (an average dose) blotter of 1p LSD. For the first hour i was going around in circles wondering if my blotter was fake, damaged or underdosed, but at the same time i noticed that i was curiously starting to laugh to myself; At first i thought it was a placebo, but it intensified and i even noticed a slight tightening of the jaw.
The confusion increased and suddenly, i noticed that one of my plants started looking at me; It was a yuka, and the end of the stem, where the leaves are, had started to look like a face and this screw was moving to look at me. Laughing, i continue to walk around the table a little then settle down cross-legged on my sofa bed before noticing that my other plant, this time plastic, had started to look at me too and seemed to resemble the snail from the SpongeBob cartoon 😅
I listen to some soft music, "ave verum corpus" by Mozard if i remember, and i start to swing from left to right as a dance, accompanied by my two plants who stare at me fixedly and questioningly.
Finally, more or less suddenly, i enter a form of samadhi and start to cry with ecstasy, it was like an orgasm of bliss and i laughed while wondering "hmm does this blotter really work or is it a plabebo? hmm probably not a placebo in fact, lolll".
A little later i lie down in my bed listening to a compilation of more psychedelic music, a little more "dubstep"; My jaw is clenched and locked in smile mode, i'm like frozen in this ytb channel pp way : https://www.youtube.com/@dr.jeanmichelcohen .

I talk with my discord friends, the letters and sentences i read are distorted, they move and change color.
At one point for some reason i think of my father, me who usually follow quite self-centered and lack empathy, i felt a powerful feeling of love for him, I saw him with beauty and compassion.

 

The second time i consumed LSD, a few weeks later, the amount was double (300ug).
I drop, i move a little, i lie down and notice that the substance rises much faster than the last time; After 30 minutes, maybe a little more, i notice that the light on the ceiling begins to move in a circular way, my mirror in front of me this time, begins to delicately get closer to me, as if it were getting bigger and bigger. The visual distortions accumulate and finally i feel the powerful urge to lie down completely and suddenly, i fall into an alternative dream world in its own right.
I am like in an old memory of when i was in my mother's womb or baby and my brain was still trying to understand the world; It is a world like in "play dough", at one point i see humanoid letters in play dough on what seems to be a theater stage and i intuitively understand the relative structure of the ego, "We all play a role" i say to myself.
Another scene this time, where I'm basically totally unconscious, looked like a 2d software that represented my consciousness in a way that was otherwise conceptual: There were buttons and one button led to "%DUIGDIGUDUIG565746587687898873JHGDGFDGYUSGYSDGYUSDIIOJDOIHSHIOSHIOSDHODSHOSDHO°°°°°°°°", and understanding this "%DUIGDIGUDUIG565746587687898873JHGDGFDGYUSGYSDGYUSDIIOJDOIHSHIOSHIOSDHODSHOSDHO°°°°°°°°" with my current, sober state of consciousness is like trying to understand the principle of a car with the brain of an ant.

I "wake up" on the way down, my body is moving in all directions, my first reflex is to get up and start turning in circles while thinking about what is happening. At that moment my brain can no longer understand how to function with the "external" reality, I feel like a person locked in a straitjacket suffering from an extremely severe schizophrenic crisis, it's as if my attention was immersed in my "conscious" imagination, in my delirium, and that any interaction with the real world was out of reach or required a superhuman effort; I wondered "what happens if I stay stuck like this? I'll end my life locked up in a psychiatric hospital".

Finally of course it falls back and turns into a classic LSD trip, i have a lot of strange visions, an armonica noise that keeps coming back, turns of phrase without head or tail; This trip didn't make much sense in itself, it was essentially very manic.
That said, it was always pleasant, LSD is always pleasant, probably thanks to the dopaminergic action.

 

Finally my last LSD trip was at the same dose, but it had nothing to do with it 🫨.
The rise is characterized by a euphoria and the feeling of a powerful sexual excitement, at the same time as this pure and hard sexual excitement, aggressive, which smells of sweat in a strange synesthesia, manifests itself i begin to see powerful visions of black and white lines, magenta, visions with a very "jester" vibe in general but also tropical with this time very warm colors, a synesthetic vibe of tropics and heat, and suddenly somewhere in the trip i see what claimed to be my "sexual energy"; It was an very "electrical" voice and a structure (did not have a human form, but a form nonetheless), the description that would work best would be a "dominant transsexual dressed in black chrome clothing". She explained to me that she was my "sexual energy" and that she was the force that pushed me to fight in my life to survive and become stronger. A little later, suddenly, i partially incarnated (like Leo with his "kangaroo mouse") a planet (gaia?): It was a level of energy much higher than what humans can feel and made their usual prerogatives and centers of interest seem totally outdated. I was shaking like a jackhammer, i even sent a video of myself shaking on discord lol; I was only a small planet far in the periphery of a divine galaxy and yet i was already knocked down by the cosmic rays of what seemed to be, at the center, God, or at least a divine atomic bomb, a divine tsar bomba. I could only shake, it was neither particularly pleasant nor unpleasant, let's say that it was pleasant by default and at the same time the only thing to do was to submit and let myself be led to this cosmic field like millions or even billions of times superior energetically to anything that can, once again, usually happen in human consciousness.
Finally the trip calmed down and i was careful not to get caught by my roommate, i just went quickly to the bathroom pretending to be normal while  looked like a fallout robot, swollen pupils, who walked at x3 speed lol 😅.
The trip finally calmed down quite quickly.

It was for my experience with LSD, i will make other posts for the other psychedelics that i have tried.

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-01-23 at 6:09 PM, Schizophonia said:

testosterone/DHEA to see if it would improve my physical appearance

Is that supplements?

[Schizophonia]

6 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Is that supplements?

They are hormones.

I bought mines in form of powder and did transdermal cream with them.

It didn’t last that long because of es but it was interesting, especially DHEA because it’s very oestrogenical on me and i looked emotional and chubby. 
 

Edited January 27 by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

3 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

They are hormones.

I bought mines in form of powder and did transdermal cream with them.

It didn’t last that long because of es but it was interesting, especially DHEA because it’s very oestrogenical on me and i looked emotional and chubby. 
 

So it didn’t make you look better 😄

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-01-26 at 5:40 PM, Schizophonia said:

suddenly somewhere in the trip i see what claimed to be my "sexual energy"; It was an very "electrical" voice and a structure (did not have a human form, but a form nonetheless), the description that would work best would be a "dominant transsexual dressed in black chrome clothing". She explained to me that she was my "sexual energy" and that she was the force that pushed me to fight in my life to survive and become stronger.

Cool sharing. Maybe it was some entity you encountered

[Schizophonia]

53 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

So it didn’t make you look better 😄

Ahah indeed i looked like a bloated zombie at this time.

54 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Cool sharing. Maybe it was some entity you encountered

It’s an archetype.

[Sugarcoat]

10 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

10 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

It’s an archetype.

 

How

[Schizophonia]

41 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

How

The symbolization of an energy or set of energies, of a frequency (in an entity).

[Sugarcoat]

9 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

The symbolization of an energy or set of energies, of a frequency (in an entity).

ok