7 years of toxic relationship. What now?

[Lubomir]

So... I have been in my first long-term relationship for 7 years. There was some struggles, some of those I even discussed here on the forum at the beggining of our relationship. Long story short, she wasn't ready for a commitment with long history of meeting other men, especialy her Ex-partners. During our relationship she told me twice that there is someone else that she have feelings for and wants to spend some time with him talking, but that I don't have to worry, because she love me and want to spend her life with me etc... even though I was against it, she was always able to convince me that I don't undertand Love. That Love should be spread unconditionaly and I'm only trying to restrict it to one person. I trusted her and kinda blame myself for not being manly enough to know that I can't be bothered by other mens attention towards my woman - after all, she's with me, not with them.

I broke up with her when I found out through her phone, that she is going on a weekend with one guy that she met in her work and was meeting him for about a year. I was told by her, that she is going to her grandmother... When I encountered her with it, she told me calmly that if she told me about it I would make a scene and that she loves him (also) and wants to help him (that guy had a wife and kid and wasn't happy in his relationship). When I asked how can I trust her when she is lying to me, she told me that she wasn't decided yet if she tell me the truth or not. Bullshit, she was manipulating me.

I went through so much shit with her just to get to the point where I have broken leg at home for 2 months unable to go elsewhere and she is going for a weekend in SPA with her lover, lying to me.
I told her, that if she wants it, she can go. She went with the words "You don't understand it, He needs me".

I felt like a piece of shit. The day she went away with him I started to deconstruct my life. She occasionaly texted me "I love you, your'e such a brave man" etc... But I was decided to end this pain. Even though I tried to reply to her in a positive way, she knew something is not right and asked me on her way home through chat. Jesus, I even gave her another option to stay if she cut off him and all of the other bullshit she's having. She told me that she wasn't decided, but now she is. That I obviously can't handle her behaviour and it will be better for both of us, that we are not compatible since she don't want to stop because of LOVE IS EVERYTHING AND CANNOT BE RESTRICTED.

I struggled with my self-confidence while growing up, was bullied, almost no real experience with girl and so on... so these things didn't really prepared me for a relationship with a narcissist who seeks attention from men because of her own self-confidence problems and problems with her father. Because that is really the truth, but everytime I tried to motivate her to do something about it, it felt like pushing a rock on top of the mountain and when I'm not paying attention it just fell off again. She did some steps, but never really progress.

I'm not sure if she ever physically cheated on me (she keeps telling me NO), but she definitely cheated on me mentally and that is even worse. Prior to our brake-up she didn't want to have sex with me for about 5-6 moths but kept telling me it's because of the stress in her work. Again I believed her, but deep down felt it's really not only the work.

I moved away as quickly as I could even with the broken leg with help of my family and friends. She was crying a lot and it was obvious that she wasn't expecting me to move on so quickly.

To make it short again and finally ask you for your insights, I'm right now seeing her from time to time at mine or her place, we usually have sex (which is SO MUCH better then it was last 2 years), but not every time. We do not text each other, I'm just trying to get her to finish all the paper work regarding electricity, gas and so on... in which she is so bad. I was always the one dealing with these things for us. In some way I still enjoy to spend some time with her as we met at university and have been friends before we started dating, so we have some common ground. But I feel that I have much more power now since I don't have to do anything for her if I truly don't want to.

And that is the first thing, should I cut her completely?
I do feel like it's fading away from my side, since I don't even have the urge to text her about anything in my life. But I confes that the occasional sex with her give me joy.

Should I take this part of my life as a chance to enjoy myself?
Since the brake up I went on few dates, have one friend come over, but never really felt like having something more with those girls, even though they would. But there is one girl which used to be friend of my ex, used to be really sweet girl before she met my ex. Now she is "exploring her sexuality" as she put it by herself. And yeah, she's into me, has been the whole time, but I never did any action towards her as I was in a relationship. She also dumped my ex as a friend because she felt like my ex do not care about her and their friendship. Now she's here inviting me to swingers party with her. At the beggining she straight up told me, that boyfriends of her friends are taboo, but as we chat more, I have a feeling that the situation has changed. We should see each other first and talk, then arrange something. Putting the girl aside, I think it can be helpful to go to swingers party at this point since I really don't have this kind of experience and it can help me to detach from my ex fully.
I do have a simillar offer from another women which is also after brake-up and wants to enjoy herself, nothing more.

 

Should I enjoy myself now for a little bit or cut all of that and just "focus on myself"? If I think about it, I do believe that some aspects of it can really help me to move on with my life and I also feel like I'm missing some life experiences for which now is ideal time to have. I always tend to try different things, that is what got me into philosohpy, psychedelics and similar topics.

P.S.  In other aspects of my life I moved on. I live by myself in nice apartment in the center of the city, hanging out with friends and family and I also decided to change my work for the better (While I'm writting this I got a call from a job I really want to invite me for a job interview which is GREAT). I exercise, spend time in nature, read and just do things for which I didn't have energy before since my mind was ocupied by my relationship.

Thank you for reading this and I'm happy if you leav your insight for me  

[Buck Edwards]

Doing some psychoanalytical deep diving on your post with whatever information you provided. 

First off, good job for holding it together. 7 years is a very long time. 

She sounds manipulative to me when she tells you that love should be unconditional. She is using that as an excuse to be with other men. She is treating you like a second choice, someone she can come back to whenever she is not getting along great with the other men she is seeing. You're with her, probably just for the sex in my estimation. And that's not healthy. You don't enjoy a deep sense of connection with her since you don't feel like texting her. I see that as a signal that the connection is already gone/faded. She treated you much worse in the relationship. 

Sex is a deep connection, if you want to have it with anyone, of course you can, that's on you. But having sex with someone who you deeply admire and love is a fulfilling experience, a completely different experience from just having sex for the sake of sex. 

Now coming to the second girl. I don't think it's the best idea to have sex with someone who was your girlfriend's friend. It creates unnecessary drama in the relationship. Also a bit awkward. It's not a great sign of relationship integrity when a girl sleeps with her friend's boyfriend. It just screams awkward, desperate and morally shallow. Whatever may have been the reason behind her breaking up with her friend, it just screams low value and integrity. Especially when she told you that boyfriends of her friends are taboo. You cannot fully trust someone like that. It creates a web of desperation, awkwardness and discomfort. 

It seems from your post that you are a bit needy for sex which is perfectly fine since you didn't have girlfriends before and didn't have much experience with the opposite sex. So it could be the reason why you put up with your current/ex girlfriend for 7 years. And this neediness might attract unwanted girlfriends or partners in your life which is probably not healthy for you long term. 

But you have to overcome this neediness by being a bit sexually extroverted. You won't be able to overcome it by simply focusing on yourself. So I would recommend you to explore a lot out there, just healthy exploring, not exploring out of desperation as that can attract girls who use you and dump you or girls who just keep you around. 

By sexual extroversion I mean, you could have a bit of fun, just casual sex, being with other women. Since this girlfriend gave you a bad experience, cut her off completely and cut her friend off too. They are no good to you as you are sort of stewing in the same environment and the same energy. You need fresh energy. 

So go out, cold approach in a club, attend parties etc. Meet new people, new girls in your city. Have sex with women who are interested in casual sex. That way you sort of master your sexual neediness so that doesn't become a hurdle in relationships. 

It would be good if you move on from this current girl and never look back again. It's a sign of strength to pull yourself from a shitty situation. 

". I live by myself in nice apartment in the center of the city, hanging out with friends and family and I also decided to change my work for the better (While I'm writting this I got a call from a job I really want to invite me for a job interview which is GREAT). I exercise, spend time in nature, read and just do things for which I didn't have energy before since my mind was ocupied by my relationship. "This part of your life is really great and kudos for bringing your life back on track despite your bad experience. 

Once you get some sexual experience, you'll be more matured and confident around women. I don't mean to say not to focus on yourself. You have to keep yourself and your goals as the center of your life. The sex is just for fun and getting experience and exposure. If you gain some confidence around women, you will be able to make better choices in your future female partners. 

Your choice should not come from desperation, neediness and fear. It should come from mutual trust, confidence and a happy wholesome relationship that is healthy for both you and your future partner. 

Best. 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by Buck Edwards
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[Lubomir]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

First off, good job for holding it together. 7 years is a very long time. 

It was a roller coaster. Sometimes I felt like she is the most loving person towards me and sometimes it was straight up torture and manipulation.

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Now coming to the second girl. I don't think it's the best idea to have sex with someone who was your girlfriend's friend. It creates unnecessary drama in the relationship. Also a bit awkward. It's not a great sign of relationship integrity when a girl sleeps with her friend's boyfriend. It just screams awkward, desperate and morally shallow. Whatever may have been the reason behind her breaking up with her friend, it just screams low value and integrity. Especially when she told you that boyfriends of her friends are taboo. You cannot fully trust someone like that. It creates a web of desperation, awkwardness and discomfort. 

 Well, to racionalize it. My ex treat most people like that, at least after some time. So this friend of her realize, that her friendship is worth nothing for my ex (which is true, my ex sometimes spoke about it and about others). My ex never really had stable friendship, that was the one thing I was trying to get her focus on - to find friends! Because you need them.
She from time to time found some, but never give it the effort needed for a long-term one. I guess the same goes for relationships in her case. But coming to that friend - yeah it's a red flag if she is willing to do that and that is why I'm not planning anything more with her then maybe have some fun. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

By sexual extroversion I mean, you could have a bit of fun, just casual sex, being with other women.

Yeah, that is what I was thinking. I had sex only with 2 women and something close to that with another one, so I really lack this experience. It took me a lot of time to build my confidence and one of the reasons I did it was my ex. I found her "perfect" at that time, so when she showed me her interest in me, it was a clear go to for me. I never had casual sex, never felt like it, but now the time changed. I just turned 30 which I believe is one of the reasons that made me to reconsider my whole life and get back on the path I want.

@Buck Edwards Really good psychoanalytic dive from you! Thank you

[Raze]

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