My name is Whitney and I'm from North Carolina

Whitney Edwards · Saturday at 09:29 AM

I desperately needed medication on this day.

January 11... And it was Saturday. And I remember having the courage to just go and get it despite my social anxiety.

On 11/01/2025 at 2:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Important post. Saturday. January 11.

https://i.imgflip.com/9gbwqo.gif

So I needed medication and since past three hours I was putting off going to the store to get it. I felt like it was dragging myself out of my comfort zone and I wanted to completely relax today. I haven't slept well either.

Then next minute I said to myself - just go go go go go go go go go girl.... Just go.

I had to get off my ass. It was extremely tough to do that. I felt it was impossible and I felt weak and limp.

Then I finally got up with great difficulty.

Then I just put on my shoes and went to the store. I got the meds.

Then on the way coming back home, I got myself a body lotion as a quick reward for going to the store and not being lazy when I need to go get important things. That's how severe my depression is. I just don't feel motivated.

The body lotion is a mini reward and I got it for a discount. I had to spend only 100 bucks instead of 300. It's a chocolatey cocoa butter lotion.

I don't spend a lot. I spend very little. I try to save my money. I decided to spend a tiny amount today after many days just to reward myself to overcome my laziness and procrastination.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I spend even a little amount of money.

But did it and I don't feel guilty. I spent a tiny amount of money after many many days just to feel a little better and to encourage myself.

Mollyna —

Hey Whitney, you did a great job. You overcame your laziness today and did what was necessary for your health. Good job girl. A baby step in the positive direction.

Whitney Edwards · Saturday at 10:06 AM

On 12/01/2025 at 0:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

January 11, Saturday.

Time to sleep.

Mollyna —

You had a good day and you did well in motivating yourself. Cheers. You deserve your rewards, you earned them.

Whitney — Mollyna Goodnight.

I motivated myself to get medication on January 11th. And I slept at 12.30 am that day.

On 12/01/2025 at 9:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

January 12, Sunday. 2025.



Right now I'm going for a morning walk. It's bright morning outside full of sunshine. I want to soak all the sunshine. I want my day to start like this.

I want to be a winner.



https://i.imgflip.com/9gbwqo.gif

Came back from morning walk. I guess I walked for a brief 30 minutes. It was good. My mood is already getting better. My mood is uplifted.

So good start for the day after many months.

I went for a morning walk and I successfully motivated myself.

On 12/01/2025 at 5:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

Evening

Noon 5 P.M.

Evening 5 P.M.

I have made some significant savings financially. I don't know if any major expenses might be on the way. I am not sure. A little anxious about that. I have gained some weight that I need to lose.

I have gained some weight which I need to lose.

On 12/01/2025 at 6:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

Evening

I'm still a bit anxious. Tomorrow I have some important work.

I feel uncomfortable. I feel exhausted and tired even if I went for a morning walk today.

I was sick two days ago and I was constantly sneezing and I suffered nose and throat irritation. I couldn't sleep because of that.

On 13/01/2025 at 8:24 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm a bit anxious right now. I need to get ready. My heart is racing right now. Just motivating myself becomes a hard task. I don't want to feel super tensed.

I just want to relax for the day.

Hope everything is fine.

I need to wear my jewelry and put some makeup on.

I was very anxious on January 13th. This was my most anxiety provoking day.

On 13/01/2025 at 11:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

January 13, Monday. 2025.

Timestamp.

11. 49 A.M.

Came home from work.

Now I'm free for the rest of the day. Work completed successfully.

January 13 was passport day.

I successfully completed my goal that day.

Rest of the Timeline -

January 14 was a great motivation day.

January 15 - I spent the whole day looking for chatGPT options.

January 16 I had work at the police station.

January 16- January 20---,>> pretty hectic days, you know why

January 21 and January 22 are anxiety days.

January 23 - I received passport.

January 24 - I get moody and I have a fight and i feel terrible and panicky. I throw and break things. Also a fight with my mom at night.

January 18 - I abandoned my last journal.

Edited Saturday at 10:19 AM by Buck Edwards

Whitney Edwards · Saturday at 02:27 PM

Everything will be fine.

Whitney Edwards · Saturday at 04:08 PM

January 25, 2025

9.30 pm

My husband went to a special restaurant today.

Totally enjoyed it.

Whitney Edwards · Saturday at 06:40 PM

January 25/26, 2025

I'm sleeping now. Logging off. Sweet dreams to myself. The day was 50/50. Bittersweet. My husband spent a good time at the restaurant. Hopefully I sleep in absolute peace and wake up early. Sleep baby. Sleeping late today.

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T01:51:54Z

January 26,Sunday, 2025

Woke up late. But it's okay. I slept late too.

Be calm. Be present. Be active.

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T09:03:46Z

January 26,Sunday, 2025

Still feeling anxious. Probably because I had lot of coffee today.

It's Sunday. Lazy day. I should now start making a whole list of goals for 2025.

Patience through fear is the mantra for this year. Just keep going slow and steady. Everything will be alright.

Pure focus. January was one heck of a month and I sorted out the mess somehow. It caused me wastage of time and resources. One whole week was spent in passport anxiety but that's sorted now. I had made a pledge at the beginning of the month that I will strictly focus on my goals. It's time to do that. I'm learning at a slow pace now. Bad luck. I'm lagging behind in my work this month.

Next thing to do is compile a long list of goals for this year and achieve them in baby steps slowly throughout the year.

Distractions. A lot of it. Cut them.

How to control anger? Look into this. Study triggers.

It's finally time to deal with my trauma.

I need to conquer my autism.

Edited yesterday at 10:39 AM by Buck Edwards

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T10:41:56Z

List of goals —

Conquering autism.
Working on borderline personality disorder.
General mental health
Working on my fitness levels
Working on my health
Make great progress
My work goals
Spiritual goals

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T12:20:49Z

January 26, 2025, Sunday.

My mom is a compulsive talker. I hate telling her to leave me alone. I can't stand it when she cannot stop talking. It affects my anxiety and autism badly. It doesn't help at all. At the same time telling her to leave makes her angry and then I have to take her wrath. It's tough that way. Wish I could find peace within a mess.

I think the next couple of days are still going to be hard on me. It's almost everyday. Distractions are not going to help.

Deep frustration drives me nuts. At the same time the only solution is to handle my own emotions, one moment at a time. There's no point in fretting. Sometimes I get violent. I feel like throwing things at the wall. It's too much to deal with. Why don't you just stay within your own four walls? I always keep hoping better days will come. Will they?

I tried sorting out the mess yesterday. I talk to no one. I don't want to. I want time to myself, to heal. To get better. To have the courage to build again.

I have to understand that I have to bypass a lot of things for my own sanity. Keep going. Keep praying. I hope there's some hope.

Edited yesterday at 12:24 PM by Buck Edwards

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T13:12:15Z

I ordered a new charger today as my phone wasn't working.

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T15:46:29Z

Today was okay. I felt a bit dizzy after dinner. I don't know why. Not a major concern. I spent some quality time with my husband.

I have stuff to do tomorrow. I didn't have a very fabulous conversation with my sister.

I felt lazy and exhausted today.

Whitney Edwards · 2025-01-26T16:31:48Z

Every minute, every moment is an opportunity to experience enlightenment. Blissful awareness. Unfuck-edness.