My name is Whitney and I'm from North Carolina

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 12/01/2025 at 8:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 27/12/2024 at 8:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 12/01/2025 at 8:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

So you don't know

 

Edited Friday at 09:53 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

There is nothing to be done about it.. 

Edited Friday at 10:03 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

When you are frustrated, it's something you have to deal with. It's hard when someone is constantly trying to get on your nerves and you cannot even talk about it to anyone because nobody understands your pain. 

I hate it when someone laughs at me. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

At least I don't laugh at someone's pain. 

[Buck Edwards]

I wish I had a deep deep friend who wouldn't betray me at all. Who I could completely trust without any doubt at all. With whom I could confide in anything I want, literally anything. And they wouldn't prey on my information or use it against me. No fake friends please. Not someone who backstabs me. Someone I could tell my deepest feelings too. And they would completely understand how I feel and not for some egoic reasons. But because they truly are invested in caring about me, the way a true friend should. Someone who understands my side. Someone who doesn't play mental games. Someone with emotional integrity and moral faithfulness. I wish they would hug me. I wish they would tell me it's okay when I'm going through a difficult time with my family and I have nobody to confess to. 

It's in our most vulnerable moments that we attract the worst kind of people. 

 

Edited Friday at 01:26 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Mollyna to Whitney —

, how much power is someone going to have over you? 

Just think of it. Always know that you are in control of your own world. 

At last everything comes down to your own emotions 

 

I feel like nobody could understand me better than Mollyna and P. 

 

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This is so sad. 

 

 

Imagine if you were a man in this situation. How would you feel? What would you do? 

 

Edited Friday at 11:45 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

This entry is made on Saturday, January 25, 2025 

 

Diary entries from January 15, 2025. 

 

 

January 15 2025. Wednesday 

 

I wrote this at 8 pm. 

I'm just trying to rest. I need to go tomorrow and submit my documents to the office. I need originals as well as a copy. I need to wake up early and make everything ready. Hopefully I won't need to pay money. I have less cash and I won't have much time to go to the ATM. 

I'm trying not to be anxious and I'll sleep early today. 

I also need to get a prescription this week or next week. 

I need to pay a bill tomorrow. 

My urine was completely clear today. I need to drink a lot of water. 

I need to look deeper into the problem of my nightmares and the reason behind them. The exact reasons. I'm planning to use ChatGPT and various versions of it a little more. Today made 1 thread and a journal for it. Strictly use ChatGPT. I want something free and something I can consistently rely on.. Also I'll need better strategic prompts to get better personalized output. More intuitive output. 

Also learn by observing why I get nightmares at specific sleep times. 

 

            

I can't believe that I wrote this in October. 

Wake up early in the morning and focus on what makes me feel better, not what makes me feel bad. This is my own operation and my own deliberation. 

            

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Edited 19 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

Edited Friday at 01:27 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

DAILY CHALLENGES 📌 morning.... (Accomplished )

 

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📍

 

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📍Work on entrepreneurship (research business ideas, study business, work on a preexisting business) for an hour 

 

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📍2 hours studying

 

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📍2 hour reading

 

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📍50 minutes meditation

 

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📍1 hour walk

 

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📍9 min cold exposure 

 

 

 

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Gratitude exercise

 

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[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited Friday at 01:15 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I sometimes wonder if I could stop being all over the place. I don't know if it's a mental disorder but I tend to be scattered brained a lot. If I can't be appreciated that's completely fine. God appreciates everyone and everything. In his eyes everything and everyone is perfect. I have a sense of vulnerability that becomes my source of composure. I lack maturity and I understand that. Well that part will never change as that is who I am, I mean I have problems and flaws of personality and character that I accept. Immaturity is one of them. Well I'm not trying to achieve anything big in life so I'm not super critical of who I am. I can only do as much as I can and I have already done well for myself in whatever way. With mental disorder life is hard. Nothing feels normal and nothing works normal. I try not to slide down but stay up as much as possible. I don't judge myself so in the same breath I don't judge others either. My life is unique. My personality is unique. I have an innocent heart and a sense of vulnerability that allows me to be empathetic. But I need to remember that I can always do better than what I already do. I need a lot of space for that though. Any changes in my life take place slowly. I hate how others perceive me because that's not who I am. I'm extremely introverted and I'm fine with it. Although it handicaps my social skills a bit, my autism does that too. I move slowly at my own pace. Any negativity impacts my growth. Negativity is my devil, destroyer of my soul. So I hate that. I can only speak in vacuum, I can never hold a normal conversation like other people do because my brain works at a grudgingly slow pace. I'm proud of who I am. There are dull days in my life, days when I don't even want to get out of bed. But it's okay. Like I said I don't judge myself because judging just makes everything worse. People are as they are. You have to be your best version everyday no matter what. 

 

 

Two-thirds of the month of December were spent in resume writing, applying for different jobs, thinking about money, writing a book, and processing my passport. Processing my passport occurred on December 18th.

[my grammar is not that accurate] 

December 18th is also my father's death anniversary. So it wasn't an easy day for me. 

I want to get rid of my neurotic tendencies and addictions. My addiction to internet in general. So I'll keep a goal to minimize that. I want a regular exercise habit and clean eating. I want to do proper time management too. I'm planning to jack up my productivity in 2025. For that I will need a modicum of discipline. Other baby steps are doing my own therapy, consolidation of my goals, reduction in distractions and more focus on contemplative spirituality. 

I have to do some self exploration. 

My relationship with money 

My relationship with food

My relationship with this forum 

My relationship with my husband

My relationship with my life 

My relationship with time 

My relationship with humanity 

Starting new year I should also login and logout of the forum sometimes. 

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One thing that I regret about the last year is that I could not keep a track of time. Especially of the months between September and December. I feel like I wasted (not purposefully though) a lot of time between these months. I was also sick on and off and dealing with a friendship that I wasn't exactly quite comfortable with. 

 

Edited Friday at 03:15 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

January 24, Friday, 2025 

10.45 pm. 

I'll go to bed now. It wasn't a great day. But it was okay. Completed some goals for the month. 

 

Actually it was the worst day in January. I had fights. I threw and broke things. I was very frustrated. 

Looking forward to better days.. 

 

Edited 19 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up in the middle of the night and that's not good. I don't remember if I had nightmares. 

Edited yesterday at 03:06 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

January 25, Saturday, 2025. 

I didn't have nightmares but I'm still feeling shitty. 

[Buck Edwards]

The end of the story is — nobody has compassion for me. 

I feel a lot of frustration today. 

                       

Some people have it much worse than me. I should always remember that. 

                       

I just want to sleep and forget the world. 

                          

 

 

Edited 22 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Ultimately everything comes back to you and how you deal with it. 

Your life is in your own hands and only you can make it happen. 

I had told myself on January 1 that it will be a new start. It was. 

I wanted to make a list of goals but it was a difficult time in the first week with lots going on with me. My family pressure was overwhelming. My sister had come back from vacation. I had to reschedule my passport appointment. I hadn't started a strict timetable. I was sick for some time too. I think I was just very very anxious for the few days on how things were going to happen. I don't have much of a record of the first week. 

 

Timeline 

 

Edited 21 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

On 06/01/2025 at 2:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up. I couldn't sleep well. Last night I had dreams of flying to an alien place in the universe. It was weird because I was flying with some Donald Trump kind of man. So weird.

Time to take the next few steps. I was thinking about dying my hair red or some funky color haha. 

 

 

 

Timeline builder - I had dyed my hair brown on January 6th this year. 

 

I remember that I hadn't slept well that day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited 21 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I remember this day. She put something in my hair and I couldn't sleep because of it. I felt very tired and I felt ill by it. This was January 10th. I didn't fight with her over it. 

On 10/01/2025 at 4:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think my mom messed up my routine a bit. 

I don't know how to deal with her. She doesn't give me room or space to do my own stuff.. 

She will never ask for my permission and do her own thing. Then all my self development plans get messed up. 

Yesterday she did something against my will and now I'm suffering the consequences. I feel sick and ill. 

I don't know why she keeps breaking my boundaries.