Letting a loved one go

[Lyubov]

Man it is really hard to let go of my ex, we been together 4 years now and are in a sort of situation ship. I don’t consider her just a girlfriend but almost like a family member. We have met each other close family, share many close friends, this person is almost an integral part of my life for a while now. We still love each other too just have very different paths. Damn it’s hard to let a person like this go and move on. We don’t even fight or have a problem with each other it’s more so incompatible and different paths. Any of you ever move on from someone you love deeply but have to let go? 

Edited yesterday at 03:22 PM by Lyubov

[AION]

I did. It was like a little death. The process is the same. Die to rebirth.

[Buck Edwards]

*feels your pain. 4 years is a long time. 

[Hojo]

My first relationship was from 17 to 26 around. When they leave I died and I didn't know it. Its a good thing but it sucks as you are dying.

Sadhguru says something very wise dont hate the person for leaving you thank them for waking you up.

Edited yesterday at 03:52 PM by Hojo

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, AION said:

I did. It was like a little death. The process is the same. Die to rebirth.

And life goes on and a new chapter begins? This is why I’m gently embracing it and knowing everything will be ok. I think I can let it grind me down or embrace this change and a new chapter, learn and grow. I do believe there exists another chapter with shared love and relationships with new people and a new woman. Just challenging to imagine it now going through this change. 

[Princess Arabia]

The trying to let them go is what's creating the resistance and the mental turmoil. How can one try to let something go. The thing you're trying to let go of will always be there. Get it. It's like throwing a ball and letting go of the ball. Don't you need the ball to throw and to let go of. The ball has to be there.

Stop trying, and let be. Things fade away on their own the same way they came into your life on their own. The emotions appeared on their own and they will fade on their own. It's OK to feel whatever you're feeling, it's the not wanting to feel those things that's keeping those emotions alive longer.

So telling yourself you have to let go is what's keeping the attachment going. You don't have to try and let go of anything because you never had it in the first place. I know that sounds harsh, but you want truth, that's the truth and life will show you truth; no need for a guru or a course to tell you what truth is. You're living it. 

Edited yesterday at 06:36 PM by Princess Arabia

[AION]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

And life goes on and a new chapter begins? This is why I’m gently embracing it and knowing everything will be ok. I think I can let it grind me down or embrace this change and a new chapter, learn and grow. I do believe there exists another chapter with shared love and relationships with new people and a new woman. Just challenging to imagine it now going through this change. 

For me my break up was like dying. You don’t know what is on the other side. You can resist the transition but it is futile. One just have to embrace it and take the lessons.

For me the most important part or lesson was to let go of the bad emotions and take the good emotions with me.  

And another lesson was that the other has to die in your mind so you can move on. Men are not good at this while women are much better at it. She is physically alive but she is not alive as your darling anymore. The quicker it dies off the quicker the rebirth: a quick death of a relationship is better than a slow agonizing death  

These are the tips I can give you from the top of my mind. 

Edited yesterday at 06:39 PM by AION

[AION]

3 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

The trying to let them go is what's creating the resistance and the mental turmoil. How can one try to let something go. The thing you're trying to let go of will always be there. Get it. It's like throwing a ball and letting go of the ball. Don't you need the ball to throw and to let go of. The ball has to be there.

Stop trying, and let be. Things fade away on their own the same way they came into your life on their own. The emotions appeared on their own and they will fade on their own. It's OK to feel whatever you're feeling, it's the not wanting to feel those things that's keeping those emotions alive longer.

So telling yourself you have to let go is what's keeping the attachment going.

Letting it go doesn’t mean pushing it away. Letting go means just dropping things where they fall, and let it be like you said. 

[Princess Arabia]

1 minute ago, AION said:

Letting it go doesn’t mean pushing it away. Letting go means just dropping things where they fall, and let it be like you said. 

I understand that, but letting it be is like saying I could have done something else for things to play out differently. Letting it be is the mind's coping mechanism because things can't be any other way than what it already is. That's OK, but it will be living it's entire life living in the "let it be" lane. My thing is to not let go or let it be, but to see the experience as such, just an experience and even the way I'm handling it. I try not to even change that. I allow for it all because I know in the end, it's all life and the infinite versions of it. Cry, be mad, be angry, be sad, miss them, long for them, want them back whatever. It's all apart of life. I don't need to let anything be. I don't need to feel a certain way only, I welcome it all. 

[Raze]

https://www.girlschase.com/article/relationship-101/breaking-girl-what-youll-experience-and-how-manage

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p3-MJJm_R0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbx696KeNaI

 

Edited yesterday at 06:49 PM by Raze

[NoSelfSelf]

Look this thing like this,instead saying to yourself "its hard to let her go" say this " im not settling for crumbs shes giving me i want the whole thing,she is not giving me that so she must go.Im not the begger,im not starved of love i love myself thats enough".

It hurts alot because you are losing the thing you love but the object of love should be you.This is kinda self-hate to torture yourself over a woman.

Edited 11 hours ago by NoSelfSelf

[Lubomir]

Feel you man @Lyubov...
2 months back I broke up with my GF for 7 years. I deeply loved her, planned to have family with her, but had to let her go. Will make a separate post about it since I'm not sure if the things I'm heading in to now are the best I can do.

But the feeling of rebirth is there. My whole concept of what My Life is have fall apart. Now I can build a new one without the previous mistakes I made. But the good times, they are hard to forget.

[something_else]

4 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Look this thing like this,instead saying to yourself "its hard to let her go" say this " im not settling for crumbs shes giving me i want the whole thing,she is not giving me that so she must go.Im not the begger,im not starved of love i love myself thats enough".

This almost sounds sociopathic. You can't just discard someone you've been with and loved for 4 years like this.

Even if it's the right thing to do, you should do your absolute best to consider your partners feelings when breaking up. Not just discard them like an old car

[NoSelfSelf]

26 minutes ago, something_else said:

This almost sounds sociopathic. You can't just discard someone you've been with and loved for 4 years like this.

Even if it's the right thing to do, you should do your absolute best to consider your partners feelings when breaking up. Not just discard them like an old car

Yes you must sacrefice her if shes breaking the integrity of your being(it hurts both sides) doesnt matter if its 2 years or 50 years.You are having made up scenario in your head(its very situation dependant)here this is being dragged with situatinship bs, giving him crumbs thinking thats best for his feelings its not.

If you cant sacrefice her, then you gonna be the guy that sleeps on your coach because you love her.

[something_else]

2 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Yes you must sacrefice her if shes breaking the integrity of your being(it hurts both sides) doesnt matter if its 2 years or 50 years.

Yes, of course. But the manner in which you do it should not be so emotionally cold, like discarding an old car. Which is how you were describing it. 

Quote

You are having made up scenario in your head(its very situation dependant)here this is being dragged with situatinship bs, giving him crumbs thinking thats best for his feelings its not.

If you cant sacrefice her, then you gonna be the guy that sleeps on your coach because you love her.

I don't know where you're getting this "crumbs" thing from. It's not really apparent from OPs post. It's like you're assuming OP is some low value loser who is stuck with this girl because he doesn't have other options. Which I don't think is the case at all.

[NoSelfSelf]

32 minutes ago, something_else said:

Yes, of course. But the manner in which you do it should not be so emotionally cold, like discarding an old car. Which is how you were describing it. 

I don't know where you're getting this "crumbs" thing from. It's not really apparent from OPs post. It's like you're assuming OP is some low value loser who is stuck with this girl because he doesn't have other options. Which I don't think is the case at all.

Well yeah the way i speak is for a man to understand,ofcourse you dont do it harshly like that,there is a tact in a way you do things ,but essentially if things are broken down its the way i say it, harsh truth without emotions.

Well im never attacking the charachter of someone, im talking about the mindset someone present in the thread.What im looking to show is that one can have many options ,many things on the outside.But still have loser mindsets i put mindsets,manhood,self love above all so even if you get things ,where it came from is most important to me.

You can have women, but if you need them to feel loved for me thats loser mindset.

[Sugarcoat]

It’s difficult because your entire dopamine system is designed in a way to derive love and pleasure in attachment to another person. You writing this post suggests you might be the kind who feels better by talking about it and sharing with others, so maybe spending significant time with others can act as a way to fulfill that need for human bonding and act as a potential distraction, and you could talk it through with people. Or with her if you haven’t already. (Maybe I’m sounding too obvious) It can be hard when someone has such a place in your mind, but you can see how your mind is fixated on the person and is running stories about you and them and keeping this attachment alive. A lot of the suffering lies in the very stories we tell ourselves. As Leo said awareness alone is curative so becoming aware of how your mind fixates and spins stories can help dissolve the attachment. It’s in your own mind at the end of the day. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Sugarcoat