Jealousy in my relationship

[MuriloPais]

Im dealing with this a big time. Sometimes when my girl look other guys i feel this jealousy, something like he is better than me, that she'll dump me for other guy. I dont like this feeling cuz i dont think it's healthy of my part, even because feels like im looking to the direction shes looking to find a problem(someone attracted to her, she attracted to other guy).

What can i do to change this?

[NoSelfSelf]

Because you are not focused on yourself.You should be busy making things happen with a woman progressing things further rather than men.Because you are not focused on yourself, you then place women in your mind above yourself, then you are reacting to things you have no control over.From that point you have mindsets that are based on feelings which causes judging yourself based on those feelings.

[Schizophonia]

43 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Because you are not focused on yourself.You should be busy making things happen with a woman progressing things further rather than men.Because you are not focused on yourself, you then place women in your mind above yourself, then you are reacting to things you have no control over.From that point you have mindsets that are based on feelings which causes judging yourself based on those feelings.

Spot on

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBt0ZKv9pBA

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-erase-your-jealousy-without-turning-pushover  
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO8dt-vp9Go

[Princess Arabia]

This advice might not resonate but it's the way to go. Don't try to change it. Notice it and leave it alone. Don't try to analyze it or try to figure out why you're doing it. You can maybe say, this is silly what am I doing or laugh at yourself doing it; but don't take it seriously. I promise in due time, it will fade away with the wind. Promise. 

Come back and let me know when.

P.S. Leave all the stories you're telling yourself about why this is happening behind or it won't work. Just see yourself doing it and that's it. Stories might come, but just don't pay them any attention. No emotions towards it, I mean. It's the emotions that makes things linger.

Edited Tuesday at 11:36 PM by Princess Arabia

[Sugarcoat]

Sometimes we engage thoughts because we feel they’re useful somehow in some twisted way, like you feel you gain some weird sense of control over the situation by keeping notice of how others are doing in relation to you and comparing. You have to really see the uselessness of such thoughts and be too concerned with your own shit (working on yourself etc) to waste mental energy comparing yourself

 

Edited yesterday at 03:39 PM by Sugarcoat

[Buck Edwards]

• Try to focus on yourself. 
• Have an honest communication with her about your concerns and insecurities. Let her know how you feel. 
• Build trust. 
• Build self confidence. 
• Much of it is only your own paranoia. Maybe nothing bad will happen so you're wasting your mental resources fruitlessly on something that will keep spinning your mental wheels stuck in mud. 
• You're reacting instead of responding. 
• Did a real situation happen? You're worried about a hypothetical situation. 
• Be at ease. It's normal for fear to crop up in relationships. 
• Being in a constant state of fear will be unhealthy. 
• Healthy boundaries. Tell her stuff that bothers you too much. 
• Be careful not to be controlling towards her as this could ruin her image of you. Build mutual trust and rapport. 

 

Edited yesterday at 03:41 PM by Buck Edwards
Chatgpt was not used

[Candle]

16 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Leave all the stories you're telling yourself about why this is happening behind or it won't work. Just see yourself doing it and that's it. Stories might come, but just don't pay them any attention. No emotions towards it, I mean. It's the emotions that makes things linger.

 

(Note : I haven't read even the title or the original post). 

📌 You are always writing about "don't make stories". What's the problem is it's a real story? If I am doing only focused thinking and not unnecessary thinking. 

📌 If I am preparing for a future possibility of a tragedy, but not worrying unnecessarily, Is there any problem? 

📌 If you are telling not to make any stories bcz stories are meaningless. Then everything is meaningless afterall. Thoughts and emotions don't mean anything. Emotions are meaningless and misleading, stupid brain chemicals. Yes I agree. So should we stop giving importance to all our emotions? Emotions of grief too ? If we lost a loved one? 

Edited yesterday at 03:42 PM by Candle

[Hojo]

You are identifying with something you are not. Therefore you are treating the others body as if its your own. This is attachment and if you keep going you will suffocate the other person and they will leave you. 

You need to wake up in the morning and tell yourself this person isnt me. Spend time away this is dangerous territory for a relationship. It will go more and more into questioning. 

You already know they will leave you you are just waiting and looking for an excuse. 

You have no idea what the other person is thinking or looking at and are making it up. If she looks in the direction of an attractive person you think she's looking at she could be looking at something else or staring not thinking at all.

Edited yesterday at 03:49 PM by Hojo

[gettoefl]

Your jealousy is less how another acts and more how you act.

It's your insecurity being communicated.

This makes someone more likely to leave you not less likely.

You are trying to control their expression.

Encourage them to look at whoever they want and tell them you like to do the same.

Talk about what they notice and admire and you give similar feedback.

This strengthens the relationship rather than weakening it.

And it overcomes the root insecurity.

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Candle said:

 

(Note : I haven't read even the title or the original post). 

📌 You are always writing about "don't make stories". What's the problem is it's a real story? If I am doing only focused thinking and not unnecessary thinking. 

📌 If I am preparing for a future possibility of a tragedy, but not worrying unnecessarily, Is there any problem? 

📌 If you are telling not to make any stories bcz stories are meaningless. Then everything is meaningless afterall. Thoughts and emotions don't mean anything. Emotions are meaningless and misleading, stupid brain chemicals. Yes I agree. So should we stop giving importance to all our emotions? Emotions of grief too ? If we lost a loved one? 

I hear you and it seems weird when I say it, I know. We are here living our lives and relating to our stories and experiencing things and talking in stories about those things. Sure, I have stories too; stories make up our world and our reality. 

Now, if I'm having a problem with a particular story, I've learnt to stop telling that story. If you notice, and especially in this case, I said stop referring to the story in question. Not to stop telling stories. 

I've noticed here that the narratives I tell myself about a situation has nothing to do with the situation itself. So, I've tested it in real life. So, something happens, I start to put my two cents in (mentally/ideas about it), then the test comes. I drop the narrative, and the situation turned out completely different than what I was telling myself (which is usually negative, BTW, because of how the mind works and it's survival mechanisms). 

I'll just give a random example. I call someone, they don't answer. The mind automatically starts to narrate on why the person didn't answer. They're ignoring me, they're busy, they didn't see it or whatever. I call again, they answer, I don't ask why they didn't answer the first time, I just get straight to why I called. The story was about what I thought about them not answering - it's irrelevant and complicates things.

Another example and to the OP's concern. I'm with a guy and he keeps looking at other girls. I start to feel jealous and saying I'm not good enough while he could be looking at them for the sole reason that he just loves to admire women but only loves me. Idk, I'm guessing, but our relationship is very good and I'm happy. Why go into the stories on why he keeps looking at women and how I'm jealous. That's my problem because looking at other women is the same as looking at other men or a building. Whatever is going on in his head is not my business. Do you get the drift, we live our lives in stories and ideas about life and not what's actually happening. We self-sabotage by our stories and ideas about what's happening. Just as you get nervous when you see a message. It's the story behind the message without seeing the message that you're reacting to. That's living in stories and responding to our mind's ideas, not what's actually happening. It creates anxiety and confusion and puts us in states that we don't want to be in unnecessarily. 

[Princess Arabia]

2 hours ago, Candle said:

If I am doing only focused thinking and not unnecessary thinking. 

This all depends on the matter at hand. Brainstorming an existing problem is not a problem as long as it's not being done with the same mindset that created the problem. There's no such thing as unnecessary thinking because thoughts just happen. It's just a matter of ignoring the ones that doesn't matter.

[Princess Arabia]

2 hours ago, Candle said:

📌 If you are telling not to make any stories bcz stories are meaningless. Then everything is meaningless afterall. Thoughts and emotions don't mean anything. Emotions are meaningless and misleading, stupid brain chemicals.

Perfect example. I never said this. You've created meaning to what I said and put your own ideas on what you think I mean when I said what I said. I never said emotions are meaningless and that they don't mean anything. My point about that was the emotions that come with the experiences we have is what's being remembered in the heart (memory), and the stronger the emotion, the more effective it becomes. Meaning when a scenario happens again to stir up that emotion it will have the same effect it had the first time even with a completely different circumstance. Example, you almost ran over a pedestrian and it scared you shitless. The next time it happens, you will remember the emotion that came with that first incident and the same feeling will arise. Now, you're scared of pedestrians while driving and will or may have road rage against pedestrians when they're being careless in the streets. You'll even notice a pedestrian way across the way doing something careless and get mad about it. This is how stories run our lives.

So therefore, try to practice not getting too emotional about circumstances and experiences because it will run your life and have you being on guard. Aka anxious.

The story there is that pedestrian is an ass, they should have paid more attention, they need to get off their phone, they need to walk faster, slower, they should have seen me or gosh why didn't I see them, I need to pay more attention etcetc. You almost ran over a pedestrian and that's it. Everything else is a story and is useless and only creates more stories to live in our heads by. I'm not saying no stories, just recognize them for what they are and don't believe in them.

Edited 23 hours ago by Princess Arabia

[LastThursday]

On 21/01/2025 at 5:35 PM, MuriloPais said:

What can i do to change this?

Nothing. I mean you shouldn't change it.

Why not reframe what you're feeling as a positive thing? You're clearly very into your girl, otherwise you wouldn't feel the way you do, tick. She could be testing your reaction (maybe without knowing it), so a bit of jealously is a good signal to her that you're still into her, tick. You yourself can of course virtue signal by NOT looking at other women (at all) when you're with your girl, and just be wholly focused on her, tick. Call her bluff by inviting the guy she's eyeing up over? Probably too much, but clutch. Basically, exude annoyance, but not insecurity. After all she is still with you and not them.

 

Edited 17 hours ago by LastThursday