I Dont Quite Understand Authenticity

[electroBeam]

From what I have heard, authenticity is the process of choosing and deciding options in life that align with your values and what you immediately like doing.

From Leo's videos and other sources, being authentic is essential for relationships. Though I am a little suspicious of this claim

What if you are a very unique person, so unique that all of your values and interests are not shared with anyone of the opposite(or for some same) sex as you?

What if being authentic, involves doing things that are a turn off? What if your authentic self was nerdy, awkward, weird, extremely mature, etc

 

Say instead of being authentic, you manipulated and applied PUA techniques, not for evil but for good, for the needs of both individuals. If you did this you would attract many more individuals than if you were being authentic, and therefore a higher chance of finding the most appropriate individual for yourself. If you were to be authentic though, you could be so unique and weird that your authenticity could turn off every potential partner in the area.

Advice about being authentic is like the advice my mum use to give to my sister. Don't put on make up, just use your natural beauty to find someone. But hypothetically speaking, what if my sister was extremely ugly?

Being authentic seems like choosing to gamble, to hope that the genes that made your personality is good enough for making a relationship

I cannot seem to convince myself that being authentic is the way to go, if you disagree I would love for you to try and convince me that I am wrong

Edited February 15, 2016 by electroBeam

[Ayla]

@electroBeam ,

An inherent part of authenticity is the acceptance of the end result. 

So if your authentic self is 

Quote

nerdy, awkward, weird, extremely mature, etc

you will also have to assume the consequences/results of being like that.

But what I suspect, is that you are not at all what you fear you are, but these are just issues you need to look into. In other words, that is not your authentic self, so no point in trying to start from there.

Another thing that comes to mind: authenticity does not hurt. So try to tune into any of those attributes you mentioned, and see if they feel like hurt. That's your signal that you need to work with them 

 

[FindingPeace]

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

What if you are a very unique person, so unique that all of your values and interests are not shared with anyone of the opposite(or for some same) sex as you?

Being authentic doesn't necessarily make you interesting or attractive to anyone else. It does make you more 'integrated' within yourself though. The alternative to being authentic is to lie, and pretend to be something you aren't so as to please others. Sure it may make others like you and want to be around you, but you will ultimately be suffering from not being aligned with your own true self, your value, beliefs etc

So the choice is, you stay authentic and aligned with your own core values and behaviours which will have consequenses to the kinds of people who will want to be around you, or you choose to suffer the consequences of being inauthentic and a people pleaser by aligning with other people's core value and behaviours. In any case, why should you follow suit with them, and not the other way around?

In the long term authenticity is always the better choice as it will result in less suffering. I can relate to this because I have been inauthentic within my own relationship for the last 15 years. It eventually catches up with you. But I can look back and see the suffering it has caused me. Living pretentiously so as to please others is detrimental to your well-being and self-actualization.

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Being authentic seems like choosing to gamble, to hope that the genes that made your personality is good enough for making a relationship

Being authentic doesn't necessarily mean being exactly as you have been your whole life. Yes, you grow up becomming who you are today. And yes, that person inside is the authentic you. But you are not a 'fixed' defined image of you. You are a constant work in progress. Who you are is not fixed, or left to chance as to your genetics or upbringing.

Most of us have 'faulty' conditioning leading to many of the neuroses and hangups that cause much suffering and dysfunction in our lives. Working through Leos older videos on things like self-esteem, self-image, victim-thinking, responsibility vs blame, happiness etc will iron out the 'bugs' in the system and expose a more authentic you without the hangups.

Being authentic doesn't mean not doing personal development and working on your life skills. Relationships shouldn't be left to chance, you should be working on life skills that will improve you chances of a healthy relationship.

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

What if your authentic self was nerdy, awkward, weird, extremely mature, etc

You can be authentic and still work on these things.

The key is not trying to please others. You can still work on yourself, become the 'new improved authentic you' but without accomodating other people expectations of you.

If you find yourself having to be inauthentic for anyone, then you're with the wrong person.

And yes, there will be consequences to being authentic. But there will also be consequences for being inauthentic too.

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Advice about being authentic is like the advice my mum use to give to my sister. Don't put on make up, just use your natural beauty to find someone. But hypothetically speaking, what if my sister was extremely ugly?

'Ugly' is subjective and in the eye of the person judging. It is not a given. One person's 'ugly' is another's 'beautiful'.

No person's judgment of you or anyone is truth. Judgment is in the eye of the beholder. In their imagination. It isn't real. Don't believe someone else's judgment of you. Beleive your own, authentic, perception of you. Have you watched Leo's 'How to stop care what other people think of you' video?

Last important comment - don't ever be inauthentic or pretentious in a relationship. If there was one place in life you should be truly authentic it is in a relationship. It will cause all sorts of problems if 'adjust' yourself to 'fit in' with your partner and the relationship. The effect could take months or even years to come to the surface but it will cause suffering.