Is love ALWAYS one-sided?

[Candle]

My thoughts. 

When I am attached to someone, I am attached only to my own mental image I have created of them. Only to my own brain chemicals. 

One cannot be attached to a real person but only to their own mind. Isn't it true? What to do about this harsh truth? 📌

..........

I have been attached to many online people for short periods of time. don't know why on earth I get attached to people I dont even know and haven't even seen. And it hurts me a lot. (maybe bcz I'm lonely and I lack people in my life). Once I had a "severe" attachment to a real person in high school. 

How to deal with the pain and hurt due to unwanted attachments? (I mean, the attachments in which the other person doesn't reciprocate the feelings.) 📌

The attachment wouldn't hurt me at all, if the other person reciprocated the feelings. It would be okay then. 

 what are your thoughts? @Xonas Pitfall 

............

How your brain 🧠 picks your crush? 

 

Edited Thursday at 09:10 PM by Candle

[Candle]

Edited Thursday at 05:26 AM by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

You might want to look into limerence. I have it. I used to attach myself to people online. My therapist told me it's limerence and it usually arises from child trauma and not having received enough love from parents. There are videos on YouTube about it. I'll link them later. 

Edited Thursday at 04:52 AM by Buck Edwards

[Candle]

19 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

limerence.

I didn't know about this before. But its definition is 100% relatable. 

Quote

Limerence refers to an intense emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically involving intrusive thoughts, idealization, and a strong desire for reciprocation. It is often marked by uncertainty, emotional highs and lows, and a preoccupation with the person.

 

19 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

usually arises from child trauma and not having received enough love from parents. 

Exactly !!! I got it. It's a basic human need. 

So how did you deal with it?

I got attached to a forum member from Pakistan. 

Edited Thursday at 05:11 AM by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

6 minutes ago, Candle said:

I didn't know about this before. But its definition is 100% relatable. 

Quote : 

"Limerence is a state of mind resulting from romantic feelings for another person. It typically involves intrusive and melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection, along with a desire for the reciprocation of one's feelings and to form a relationship with the object of love."

 

Exactly !!! I got it. It's a basic human need. 

So how did you deal with it?

I got attached to a forum member from Pakistan. 

I need to search for a video that is very helpful on this subject. It's in my folder in computer. 

Right now I'm outside in traffic. Writing from my phone. Will link it when I'm back home. 

Edited Thursday at 05:03 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

@Candlecame home. 

So these are the videos that I found to be most useful. They are from the channel Crappy Childhood Fairy. Although there are many more videos that exist on the subject, I found these to be especially helpful. 

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick Teahan is a great resource on childhood trauma and how it impacts social growth, personality, emotions and relationships. His video on Limerence is very helpful in understanding why we attach to certain people. 

 

 

I hope you find these resources helpful. 

 

Edited Thursday at 07:10 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

@Candle also along with limerence, you might want to look into parasocial relationships that mostly happen to someone online. 

[ From ChatGPT —

A parasocial relationship (PSR) is a one-sided emotional connection that a person forms with a media figure or fictional character. The person investing in the relationship is unaware that the other person is aware of them. 

PSRs can be with celebrities, fictional characters, sports teams, bloggers, social media users, and gamers. They can range from light-hearted to intense, and can even become unhealthy if they interfere with real life. 

PSRs can be formed through: 

Media consumption: Watching TV shows, videos, or podcasts

Social media: Following celebrities or influencers on social media platforms. ] 

 

I developed parasocial relationship with Leo after following him for a long time. Not romantic or anything. I still crave his validation on the forum sometimes. It happens, I mean I'm not ashamed of it. Because I also have a parasocial relationship with Sadhguru. If I watch someone for a long time, I develop a parasocial relationships with them because my emotional needs weren't met in childhood. Usually if I consider someone my teacher or guru I tend to feel emotionally connected with them. Some sort of attachment. It's like fangirling. 

So when Leo says anything good to me, I get a kick out of it lol. I think this happens to others too. A lot of people feel good when Leo congrats them. It's sort of validation seeking, it's both good and bad at the same time. 

These days I try not to seek validation or at least try to minimize this whole validation seeking behavior/culture. That's why I turned off my follower on my profile because I don't want anyone following me and making me feel validated. 

I still feel good when someone praises me which I think is natural. Because it boosts endorphins and dopamine. 

Both praise/criticism are validation seeking behaviors, the object is different that is all. When someone judges us, we try to please them, that can elicit validation seeking behavior too. I try to minimize all these behaviors as much as possible. So if someone pays me a compliment or criticizes me, I try to not pay attention to it as it subtly manipulates the brain into seeking validation without being aware of it. I try to stop that drug in it's track. 

This is significant in relationships as your attachment level and attachment style will partially determine what sort of people you attract and also influence the dynamic of a relationship - for example you might not want to leave a bad relationship simply because you are attached to a person and you keep justifying their behavior to yourself, your mind can do it subconsciously without you realizing it and this can lead to bad consequences. 

You might want to look into attachment styles. There are also online tests for attachment styles. The attachment styles depends on your level and dynamic of your attachment to the other person. This will help you identify problems in your attachment styles that might spill into your future relationships so that you get to study it and avoid potential relationship problems. 

Best of luck. I hope that helps. 

 

[Candle]

@Buck Edwards 

I subscribed to that channel. And I'm definitely gonna watch all the videos fully. 

I am confused between so many words attachment, limerence, crush, parasocial relationships etc. they all have same definitions how are they different? 

I would like to define my behaviours online as PSR or emotional attachment, rather than limerence. 

 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

developed parasocial relationship with Leo after following him for a long time. 

Hahaha 😂 😂. Leo is so cute. Even I find him very cute. And I also feel good when he quotes me. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

If I watch someone for a long time, I develop a parasocial relationships with them...

Ya it's normal. It happened to me so soo many times. With a few forum members, youtubers, etc.

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Not romantic or anything

I know. It's just emotions. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

when Leo says anything good to me, I get a kick out of it lol

Relatable. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

parasocial relationship with Sadhguru

I'm not his fan. Something seems shady with him. Knowing some philosophical concepts doesn't make someone a good or genuine human. I suspect some ego or hypocrisy in him. Anyways everyone has a different pov. 

 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

 if someone pays me a compliment, I try to not pay attention to it 

Is this necessary? What is the problem if someone validates or praises us? Taking praise is not bad, being dependent on it is bad. 

I feel very good when someone validates me, I want validation . but I also say to myself that I have to focus only on myself (and be authentic in my posts) no matter what others think or perceive it. 

I mean, appreciate or seek validation but draw a line. Don't reject it completely. Like "turning off followers" is an extreme idea. Anyways your psychology is different and u should do what suits you. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

When someone judges us, we try to please them 

I agree. 

I agree with and relate to all the points you have written. I also have a lonely and abusive family since childhood. 

Thanks a lot for sharing these insights. I needed them. 

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

attachment styles

I'll see it. 

 

Bottom line : 

I have had many mild cases, and a few severe cases. But even milder ones hurt me a lot. Even for shorter periods of time. They are painful. Loneliness is painful. 

Edit : 

When I am attached to a person online, I care a lot about them (in my mind). I get interested in their life because of fomo. Every trivial thing or story of their life seems interesting to me. Their life seems interesting and beautiful to me. I get dopamine each time their message or YouTube comment comes. I crave their presence. 

Why it hurts? Bcz it takes away our freedom and mental control. and its one-sided. 

It's very painful. And overwhelming. 

I have mixed feelings. Both beautiful and painful. 

I hope I'll get something from the videos u shared. 

•••••••

Could you explain the difference between limerence and crush and PSR? 

Edited Thursday at 09:26 AM by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/01/2025 at 1:47 PM, Candle said:

Could you explain the difference between limerence and crush and PSR? 

(chatgpt was not used while writing this post) 

This is my own opinion based on my own experience. The internet may or may not agree with me. But I'll state my own opinion since it's something I tend to rely on. 

Crush - crush is a feeling of temporary romantic attraction. Mostly happens in schools. You might think about them a lot. You might want to spend time with them. You might feel happy when you're around them. Crush can be non-romantic. But usually most people describe it in a romantic sense. Crushes don't last long. My first crush lasted 3 months. I used to like a guy that my sister had introduced me to at a party. He was her friend. He was quite handsome. Crush is mostly due to physical attraction. Crush is generally light hearted and usually goes away on its own like a fever. 

Limerence - to me limerence sounds stronger than crush. The feeling is constant and the desire is obsessive. It doesn't go away easily. Some people might need psychological intervention. Therapy helped me a bit. It went away eventually and gradually with the help of therapy. The therapist told me to develop higher self confidence and practice self love. I still suffer but it's much better than what it used to be. 

PSR - I think this can be both romantic and non-romantic. It's simply an attachment. It's extremely common. The intensity depends on how obsessed you are with the person. It can last really long. Crushes are usually extremely short. PSR might lead to hero-worshipping, fangirling behaviors. The danger with this is that you might start believing everything that person says. Example - a cult... Sadhguru has that effect on many people. Crush can happen with anyone close or distant, usually someone close, like someone in your classroom and usually romantic dreaming with them. PSR usually happens with cult leaders, celebrities, social media gurus, politicians (example Trump fans) PSR can influence your worldview and opinion if you cannot put a lid on it. That's why Leo often emphasizes on using critical reasoning and thinking rather than blindly believing his thoughts and concepts. He wants to actively reduce the PSR effect and he doesn't want Actualized to be a cult which is honestly a great thing about his integrity. 

Crush, limerence, PSR are just different forms of attachments and dependencies and usually have overlapping features and similarities. 

 

Edited 19 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Candle]

@Buck Edwards

wow that was a great post. I couldn't understand it using ChatGPT. 

10 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

My family had asked me to book a therapist when my attachment to a guy online wasn't going away. I had developed limerence for him. I used to have physical symptoms of discomfort if he wasn't online

Yes strongly relatable. I had a hard experience just like this. I had a severe anxiety due to that online person. 

....

So did you read what I removed from my post? I was not sure it was appropriate or not. So I removed it. I can write it back if you wish.

 

Edited Thursday at 09:44 AM by Candle

[Candle]

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

These days I try not to seek validation or at least try to minimize this whole validation seeking behavior/culture. That's why I turned off my follower on my profile because I don't want anyone following me and making me feel validated. 

I still feel good when someone praises me which I think is natural. Because it boosts endorphins and dopamine. 

Both praise/criticism are validation seeking behaviors, the object is different that is all. When someone judges us, we try to please them, that can elicit validation seeking behavior too. I try to minimize all these behaviors as much as possible. So if someone pays me a compliment or criticizes me, I try to not pay attention to it as it subtly manipulates the brain into seeking validation without being aware of it. I try to stop that drug in it's track. 

 

I also want to minimize this whole validation seeking behavior. 

Edited Thursday at 10:24 AM by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/01/2025 at 3:07 PM, Candle said:

@Buck Edwards wow that was a great post. I couldn't understand it using ChatGPT. 

So did you read what I removed from my post? I was not sure it was appropriate or not. So I removed it. I can write it back if you wish.

 I'm a ghost. You will forget me in no time. I'm just a random internet person. Also I have both good and bad traits. As long as you don't believe everything I say word to word, it is fine. Always use your own judgement and experience and a few insights from others. Nobody is perfect. Your life journey is unique and your decisions should be totally your own choice. Don't be too attached to people because it will destabilize your own image and identity. You will become too dependent on others. Instead of attaching yourself to a person or persons, just take from them  what is helpful for you. Don't idolize anyone. 

Edited 19 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

17 minutes ago, Candle said:

I want to know how to do this.

I couldn't get what you are saying. 

I also want to minimize this whole validation seeking behavior. 

 

If someone compliments me I try to not let it inflate my ego. I just say thank you for the sake of courtesy but don't try to get too excited about it because I know that person could be  flattering me just to stroke my ego or even if what they said is true, I take it as positive feedback but I don't try to get hyper excited with it. It doesn't give me the dopamine rush it once used to. Now I'm more mindful about compliments. I tell myself that it is a compliment and that I should just focus on improving myself steadily and not make a big deal out of it. Not even fish for compliments. (Some people directly or indirectly fish for compliments.) I let the feeling pass. The feeling of excitement comes. I observe it. I let it pass. I don't let it influence me too much. So the other day a friend of mine said to me "you're such a sweet friend".... I paused and told myself "it's okay. I have my bad traits as well." I try to humble myself whenever someone praises me. I try to control that ego boost or ego kick. The problem with enjoying compliments is the same problem you will have with eating chocolate. You will want more and more. It becomes an addiction. So I just let the desire to enjoy a compliment pass away. This way I'm not dependent on it. 

Regarding criticism - I criticize myself enough already. When someone criticizes me, it creates an urge in me to please them, to convince them, to argue or defend myself. I simply don't pay attention to the criticism, then I don't have to worry about pleasing a critical person. Critics and haters can be like trolls. The more you feed them, the more they grow. If their criticism is genuinely useful for me in my life, then I take it as positive feedback. If not, I throw it away in my mental dustbin. 

With greater  self confidence, these behaviors go away on their own and the path begins to clear by itself. 

(chatgpt not used in this post) 

 

Edited Thursday at 10:01 AM by Buck Edwards
(grammatical errors corrected) 

[Candle]

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

As long as you don't believe everything I say word to word, it is fine. Always use your own judgement and experience and a few insights from others.

Yes it's hard to reject some of your concepts. But if something is clearly visible to me, then for me, truth is more important than your words. 

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

It's okay if you developed a parasocial relationship with me. I'm a ghost. You will forget me in no time. I'm just a random internet person

Thanks for understanding. 

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Don't be too attached to people because it will destabilize your own image and identity

These words are helpful and I'll remember them. 

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

If someone ......

I got it. It's easy. Sometimes I don't know what happens to me that I seek validation and get anxious. 

It will get better as I learn to focus on my purpose and as I increase my self confidence. I will work on it. 

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

With greater self confidence, these behaviors go away on their own and the path begins to clear by itself. 

 

2 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

My family had asked me to book a therapist when my attachment to a guy online wasn't going away.

I'm surprised ur family was so understanding. My family would never understand at all, if such thing happens to me. 

The thread was very meaningful for me.. 

Edited Thursday at 11:58 AM by Candle

[Xonas Pitfall]

Hey! Yeah, no - limerence can really be a bitch haha.

First, I’d say evaluate what type of limerence it is. If it’s just something that easily passes, don’t feed into it too much, and you’ll be fine. Think of all the crushes or people you’ve obsessed about—now they’re probably just a pleasant or silly memory that doesn’t even come to mind. However, if you see yourself getting more and more attached, then I’d say ideally initiate some contact and see if it’s reciprocated. Limerence doesn’t have to be bad at all; it can also be a potential for friendship, relationships, etc.

However, if you feel like your chances of being rejected are high or you simply can’t put the time or effort into it, then realize that. Use it as fuel to improve yourself (a lot of self-improvement comes from unrequited love, by the way, teehee), or realize that you’re deliberately choosing not to engage with them because of some reason: whether it’s needing time, work, or something else. That way, you still gain some sense of consciousness and control over the situation. You can even reach out to them again when you’re ready. This approach, I’ve found, helps me not think about them as much because I’ve kind of outsourced it to “some other time.”

Also, many people who experience limerence find that once they meet or properly talk to the person, they realize the connection or idol worship they built up in their head was meaningless, and it fades away on its own. You can read Reddit stories or watch videos/shorts about people sharing similar experiences. Here’s a good one: https://youtu.be/h7eev7RgIzw?si=DDDoAsqD3YnmyIlc&t=739.

Now… if it’s 100% parasocial and unrequited, then I’d say carefully evaluate what actually draws you to them. With limerence, there’s this strange kind of ego that develops -- putting them on a pedestal, feeling worthless, or thinking you “need” them for whatever reason. If you carefully examine which parts of them you’re drawn to or need, and begin to integrate those traits into yourself, that can help. Not only will it help you improve yourself (since you were attracted to those traits for a reason, meaning you likely desire them in yourself), but it will also make you more aware of the qualities you prefer and enjoy in others. Then, the next time you spot those traits in someone, that person might reciprocate your feelings.

 

I’ve had periods of strange limerence where I would mirror or indulge in their traits through whatever means, and once I’d “exhausted” it or felt like I’d integrated enough, my limerence lessened significantly or disappeared completely. Basically, ask yourself: Is it how attractive they are? Do I need to work on my own looks? Do they have a certain type of aesthetic? Maybe I enjoy that aesthetic or I’m inspired by how well-refined they are, so I want to embody that too in my own way. You need to ask yourself: What kind of person would I have to be so that I don’t need them anymore? What traits do I need to integrate into myself to stop feeling inferior and putting them on a pedestal? What actual experiences, impacts, or reactions do I need to have to feel satisfied?

Alternatively, limerence can also be disrupted by developing limerence for another person. I’d say 9/10 of these experiences mostly come from a lack of experience with people or not meeting enough of them. When you meet one slightly more put-together human, they stand out to you. But there are plenty of beautiful, amazing people out there, and some will actually reciprocate your interest—you just need to get out there. A big chunk of my own “limerencing” experiences got canceled out when I met other people, hopping from one to the next. At this point, I almost look forward to it because it gives me more motivation, self-understanding, and personal growth. But you need to get to the point where you realize this for yourself. You’ll get there by simply meeting more people. When you’ve only met one “10/10” person by your standards, it’s so much easier to get hyper-attached, whereas if you’ve met 100 of them, it’s a completely different experience.

Another way to address it is by looking deeper into yourself and your goals. The very fact that you can afford to think about someone else in such a prolonged manner shows that you’re not focusing enough on yourself and what you can do. That’s why it’s easier to engage with someone else’s beauty than to build your own. This is probably the most practical thing to do because when you improve yourself, you’ll gain more confidence to approach others, and you’ll feel more assured that your interest will be reciprocated. Plus, you’ll spend more time thinking about your own projects, health, and care, leaving less space for limerence and idolizing others. On top of that, the brain pattern of putting others on a pedestal will fade more and more as you upgrade your confidence.

Finally, if all else feels exhausting, consider therapy or simply find ways to give yourself more love however you can. You will never be able to escape yourself, so you might as well love yourself instead of spending all your fascination on someone who will never properly receive it. Think of people who perhaps loved you, but you didn’t care much for—no matter how much they gave you, it probably didn’t have the impact they wanted.

I really hope this helps in some way. These things truly do pass over time, but they can feel miserable and take a while. The best way forward is to seek genuine, reciprocated connections, which you can only find by upgrading yourself, knowing who you are and what you want, and then putting yourself out there to find those people. It really is a numbers game: expose yourself to as many experiences and people as possible, and you’ll find meaningful connections. This will keep you grounded even if you experience limerence again. It’s ultimately about self-confidence and self-love, and while those things aren’t simple to fix or build immediately, they are worth working on.

[Xonas Pitfall]

Basically, ask yourself: Is my mental sanity, self-esteem, goals, dreams, love, and aspirations worth sacrificing for these superficial idealizations? Most likely not—in fact, definitely not. You will die someday, do you want your life to revolve around unrequited love, or do you want it to be about actual, genuine, realized connections? The more you dwell on it, the more it becomes the former, and less the latter. Mental habits, especially patterns of thought, are incredibly difficult to rewire the longer we indulge in them. Good luck, Candle! Truly wish the best to you. 💛

Edited Thursday at 01:50 PM by Xonas Pitfall

[Buck Edwards]

Also another point - especially about compliments and praises. 

You should also look into the term "narcissistic bombing" either on Google or YouTube. I suffered this often where someone would heap compliments on me or try to help me just to get closer to me and then use my emotional sensitivity to bully me. Narcissists and bullies often use this technique to victimize people. 90% of the time when someone praises you too much or compliments you with over the top compliments, it's a red flag and there's something fishy about them. This is at least true in my personal experience. 

Especially in dating, guys do this a lot. Maybe this is not your experience as a man but if you were a woman, you would experience the world a bit differently than what you are experiencing now. Guys will shower compliments on a girl to gain her trust and then break her trust later if they want to use and dump her. It's called narcissistic bombing and it's very manipulative. That's why girls often distrust guys who are overly nice and congratulatory because they have experienced such behavior before where such nice guys have broken their hearts after being nice to them. There's a red flag when someone goes out of their way to excessively compliment a girl, it's mostly a tactic to be her friend, to appear friendly and then once they gain her trust, to get into a sexual relationship with her and later dump her for their own gain. And not care about how she is hurt. 

It's best to be with people who are mostly neutral. They are generally more trustworthy. 

I had a man in the past where he acted friendly and tried to help me, then told me that he loves me, and became progressively abusive in the relationship. I trusted him and he broke my trust. I had this happen often where someone tries to help me and later they break my trust. 

Imagine if a girl acted nice and friendly with you, complimented you, then pleaded you for money and you liked her sweetness and friendly nature and trusted her and helped her and let's say she began to blackmail you for more money or else she would make some false accusation against you, you would feel completely robbed and you would find it tough to trust someone again. 

I had friends in school who used to praise me and the same friends betrayed me, talking shit behind my back and bullying me later. 

So often when someone praises you, especially that which appears a little out of the blue or excessive or tries to get your attention suddenly, that's usually not a good sign. Especially if you are a woman. But this can happen to men too. It might not be a genuine compliment but a tactic to gain your trust. Psychopaths and narcissists can do that. 

Edited yesterday at 02:33 AM by Buck Edwards
Chatgpt was not used.

[Candle]

I have no words to express my gratitude. You took so much time for me. @Xonas Pitfall 

I know you give great advices and proper, step by step, pointwise answer. That's why I mentioned you. Thanks a lot. It made much sense to me. 

♥️

Read with patience : 

18 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

What traits do I need to integrate into myself to stop feeling inferior and putting them on a pedestal? What actual experiences, impacts, or reactions do I need to have to feel satisfied?

Ya that's okay. But sometimes you get attached to a random online person without knowing much about their good traits. They are just normal humans, I just liked their stories, words and innocence. 

No special traits that they have and I don't have. I'm not feeling inferior. I just have some fomo. And everything of their life seems interesting to me. 

Of course if I focus on myself and my purpose enough, there would be less online attachments. Then I would feel the pain of "loneliness and fomo" only occasionally, and not frequently.

♥️

18 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

limerence can also be disrupted by developing limerence for another person.

Agreed. This is called "shifting your focus" . To detach from one interesting thing, I simply have to get attached to some other interesting thing. 

♥️

18 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

You will die someday, do you want your life to revolve around unrequited love, or do you want it to be about actual, genuine, realized connections?

Thanks for writing this. 

♥️

Finally, I loved this post of Leo Gura.

On 1/16/2025 at 0:59 PM, Leo Gura said:

People cannot even being to comprehend what horrors reality has in store for you.

Whatever happiness you have, cherish it, because it can be gone in a flash.

I do not teach unconditional happiness any more because it is a fantasy.

 

Edited 21 hours ago by Candle

[Candle]

.

Edited yesterday at 03:23 AM by Candle