Turned 40 Yesterday Some Thoughts

[Consept]

Yes it finally happened, I remember thinking about being 40 when I was a kid and I came to the conclusion that its so old that I might just kill myself if I get there. I think what my young mind was struggling with was being an imaginably different person to the one I was at the time, my mum wasnt even 40, so the idea of me being that age was inconceivable. 

So not that im here what I my insights? It's interesting how the world sees you, mostly what I've heard i people can't believe that I'm 40 and I do probably look younger than my years but it's said as a compliment and I take as such, however I've noticed that in western culture age isn't really prized. People say things like you look good for your age but I feel that a lot of the wisdom and knowledge of self and understanding of life that can only be gained through living and experiencing is disregarded. Thats not to say everyone whos old is by default, wise, but its generally not even considered. 

Shifting to my own experience, I'm probably as content as I've ever been, in the past I've had more money, more attention and relationships with women, less pain in my body. But now and for the last couple of years I've felt, not good necessarily, but it feels as though the barriers that were once on me have been lifted. I went through years of OCD, anxiety, general fear of life, where I felt as though I had very little value to add and that no one really likes me. Yesterday I received several messages from friends and family (im tearing up as i write this), telling me things like - "Big love for being you and a real one. You are the most authentic person I know and were put on this earth to help others - especially me and I proper appreciate you. " (it might look like I made that up but its copy and pasted from a text ) calls, voice notes, texts from friends and family. From not wanting to come out my room for days on end and being afraid to truly be myself for years, I am so incredibly grateful that the shackles have been taken off and I am able to just live freely and be who I am as fully as possible. Its not always easy btw but its more the default for me now. 

It has taken a shitload of work though, so much pain being trudged up, I think thats the biggest thing. I got involved with non-duality and this forum ws part of the journey, I think now I just come back on it every now and then because of habit, there are some interesting topics and debates but i think my reason for being here, however sparsely has changed as well. What I was looking for was a way out of the pain, to summarise it quickly the pain was my dad leaving at an early age, my mum not really being able to form a connection with me after having a traumatic childhood herself, basically the adults in my life not being able to care for me properly, which led me to develop coping mechanisms such OCD to deal with extreme anxiety. So I was looking for anyway out and the idea of enlightenment seemed to offer so much, there was a state i believed I could achieve where all this rubbish will no longer be relevant. I got glimpses of this, I'd have periods where I could just let all thoughts pass me by and feel happy, traits would come out where I'd be really light and funny, normally only people who I felt 100% comfortable with would see that, which was basically just my sister and girlfriend at the time. But it would always come crashing down, when a thought would trigger me or I'd be pushed out my comfort zone and resort to old habits.

At some point I realised that spirituality is an amazing thing to look into but until you sort your own pain and trauma out its really only a plaster. So I looked at more practical things I could do to sort myself out, therapy, but also lifestyle, I made a promise that I'm going to live the life I want to live regardless of how I feel at the time, Im going to throw myself into the deep end of things. This meant if its something I wanted to do but fear was holding me back i was gonna force myself to do it. This was a game changer because my brain just got used to doing shit, in fact Ive relaxed on this a little recently so its a good reminder. But in that time I sang in front of an audience (im not an amazing singer), I talked in front of a crowd at a conference, I became captain of my local football team, I started a 6 a side football team,  I travelled around colombia with my girlfriend at the time, so many amazing things. I didnt feel great everytime I did it but what was amazing is that I did them and these are things that i wouldve had night sweats about before. So I am incredibly grateful but also im aware of what i put in to this, I cant describe to you how hard it has been and I know its relative and people 100% have it harder but I think changing what you thought was you to something else for the better is just so hard across the board. 

Now Ive got a job at an OCD charity which allows me to help people going through what I have gone through, theyve even used an interview with me as their social media advert, so that is honestly amazing. As well I have better genuine friendships with more people now, which is something I didnt think would happen. 

Not everythings perfect, although I'm content not being in a relationship I do have fears that I may not be able to attract someone I really like and that works for both of us, this is a lot to do with having to be fiercely independent growing up so this created an avoidant attachment style, which I have worked on but I am finding it tough to get to secure. Also dont know if a part of me just wants to be single. Relationships have always been hard because its almost hardwired in me not to really trust someone in that situation because i could never trust my mum. She has actually apologised (unprovoked) about how she was in my childhood, I had already forgiven her but I guess its nice to hear. So to rely on someone is difficult for me and i noticed i always do that in relationships where i will help them but not let them help me or avoid letting them help me and Id also have this narrative of theyre not really interested in what i have to say and they dont actually understand me. These are things im aware of and i guess will continue to work on, one thing ive realised is that everything comes in its own time and you really cant rush, all you can do is the right things at the time. When we're young we want everything worked out now, which i think is the allure of enlightenment, but life doesnt work like that, not for 99% of people and would you even want to fast forward these parts? Its all experience and its all worthwhile, it is what it is.

Anyway that more than enough rambling I have stuff to be getting on with. I wish you all the best on your individual journeys, dont be scared of life, push yourself out there, places like this forum for all their value can sometimes make you feel like youre doing something when youre not really doing anything. I feel love for all of you and I'm grateful that i stumbled upon this random community of people and am able to share and learn from others experiences, to the next 40 years 

 

Edited Friday at 10:59 AM by Consept

[Thetruthseeker]

Happy 40th! I’m going to be there in a few years and can feel the reflection already coming on. 
Great reflections. I enjoyed reading a bit about your story 

[WonderSeeker]

Happy year 40!

Does it feel like you've lived multiple lives in a way?

[LoneWonderer]

happy birthday brother! 

[integration journey]

Happy birthday 🎈 

[Consept]

10 hours ago, Thetruthseeker said:

Happy 40th! I’m going to be there in a few years and can feel the reflection already coming on. 
Great reflections. I enjoyed reading a bit about your story 

Thank you bro 🙏🏽 look forward to reading your story 🙌🏽 

3 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

Happy year 40!

Does it feel like you've lived multiple lives in a way?

That's a good way to say, yeah it definitely does feel like I've lived multiple lives in a way. Like the 20 something year old me is almost unrecognisable as me but at the same time he's still within me and I love him and respect what he went through. But yeah there's been a lot of evolution  so different periods feel like different people. 

@LoneWonderer @integration journey

Thanks guys 🙏🏽

[Buck Edwards]

Happy Birthday! 

Whats your greatest life lesson through your journey so far? 

[mmKay]

Happy 100 subs as well

[cjoseph90]

Happy Birthday homie! You do not look your age, intresting insights. Hope you had a good birthday/ xmas.

[ryandesreu]

Welcome to the 40 club! I turned 40 in September.

[Yimpa]

[Ulax]

Happy belated birthday bro 🙏🎉

[Consept]

On 11/01/2025 at 2:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Happy Birthday! 

Whats your greatest life lesson through your journey so far? 

Thank you and thanks for your question. 

I think the greatest lesson, this will probably change depending on when I'm asked, but what comes to mind is the importance of loving yourself. Probably sounds cliche but it's so true, I think there's so many wrong turns you can make if you don't love yourself because everything you do is to compensate for that lack. So it's incredibly important to come to terms with your trauma and really face yourself and love yourself otherwise you'll really just keep spinning your wheels. 

On 11/01/2025 at 7:49 PM, mmKay said:

Happy 100 subs as well

Thank you, I really need to start uploading again but just getting these life experiences atm

16 hours ago, cjoseph90 said:

Happy Birthday homie! You do not look your age, intresting insights. Hope you had a good birthday/ xmas.

Ayy mi amiga de Barcelona ❤️ I will definitely accept your compliment and hope you had a great Xmas and new year as well x

14 hours ago, ryandesreu said:

Welcome to the 40 club! I turned 40 in September.

Thank you for the welcome bro and happy 40th as well 

@Yimpa @Ulax thank you bros 🙏🏽 

 

[TheAlchemist]

You seem wise beyond your years  Congrats!