I'm taking a break after 100+ trips

[TheGod]

I was first introduced to psychedelics in Spring of 2020 (I was 22). My friend stumbled upon a book about magic mushrooms and how to grow them. I had been wanting to try mushrooms for some time since I watched a few of Leo’s video on psychedelics and I was considering myself being “spiritual”. I laugh now when I recall that time because my mind was filled with ideas and concepts that I thought I was able to grasp, but nothing was further from the truth. After watching Leo’s video “How Psychedelics Work” I was very curious to try them out. At the same time my friend finished reading the book and decided to grow some mushrooms.

It took us a few months to grow our first mushrooms. I remember how my hands were shacking, holding 15 grams of raw magic mushrooms that I was about to take. I was very curious and fearful at the same time, but I still consumed them. The trip was very mild with some sense of light euphoria, feelings of joy (the same you feel as a child) and just a few insights.

My next few trips reveled the truth of the fact that my values and principles in life were not mine but were programmed by society: friends, teachers and people I looked up to: my parents and grandparents. For the first time in my life, I became aware of that. It was a very painful process, because I also realized that the career that I was pursuing was built upon my need for love, approval that was coming from my childhood traumas. I realized that I had to quit and the next day after tripping (it was my 5th trip) I quit the police forces. Even though it was painful, now, when I look at it – it was one of the best decisions in my entire life.

The following few trips were bringing me more and more insights about society and I was shocked by the fact that most of the people are like zombies doing wrong things believing in foolish ideas and chasing something that isn’t authentic to them. The first scratches appeared on the mirror that was called “Maya”. I also realized how blind I was in my life not seeing love from my parents, but hating them for the mistakes and wrong doings they did to me. 6 months of psychotherapy fell in comparison with one mushroom trip. I think it was trip 9th or something when I realized that Ego isn’t a part of my self, it is actually me. It was a very shocking realization, but that was the only insight that I got from the trip. During the trip I was also trying to grasp what was God and what was Ego, but I couldn’t, I had no idea.

My first God realization happened on 10-15 trip. I remember I was looking at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t believe that I was actually God. I was crying because I had been thinking that someone like me could not possible be God, because deep down I was sure that I can’t be God because I am bad and I am a looser. But the evidence was there. During that trip I was also tripping with my friend who said that he was seeing God looking at me to which I pointed out that he was God as well. When the trip was over, I was 100% sure that I misunderstood a lot of things and the idea that I was God was outrageous and stupid, I couldn’t accept it. Next 30 trips (during 2 years) were mostly about my personal issues because I tried to concentrate my mind on them and didn’t want to think about God or whatnot.

I moved in Canada in Summer 2022 and stumbled upon some website (don’t ask me I won’t tell you which one) where I saw a DMT pen. I was very excited and bought the pen. All of the trips on DMT that I had (around 20 of them) were God realizations, but no more profound than those I had on mushrooms. I never saw any entities or different worlds or some mother ayuasca nonsense. It was always me, God.

In November 2022 the website started selling 5MeO-DMT pens and I was very happy because I had watched so many videos of Leo talking about this psychedelic. When the pen arrived, I made just 1-2 seconds pull and I almost had a panic attack. People who have never tried 5Me0 you have no idea how powerful it is. It is beyond your imagination, so you’d better stop fooling yourself. Anyways, I got scared and put the pen back in the box and then in my closet.

A few weeks after I had a horrible day at work, I felt very angry and irritated. As soon as I came home, I took a shower and took out the pen from the closet. I decided to go slowly and also put some relaxing music. This was going to be the most profound day in my existence. As I was vaping the pen, I was going deeper and deeper. At the same time, I was soothing myself, talking to myself and even kissing parts of my body that were shacking. That night I vaped a half of my 1-gram 5MeO pen. As I was going through different dimensions, I was looking at things around me and I was literally zooming in infinitely into objects, especially my 5MeO cartridge. I was floored by the nature of my being. It’s pure beauty and pure love.  Things that I realized and experienced are beyond words and beyond communication. The only thing I remember that at some point I vaped so much of 5MeO that I awakened completely. Complete awakening terrified me by its profundity, I realized that all this time up to this point I was dreaming. My life and everything in it were just a dream. I also realized that I was fooling myself all this time and I realized why I was doing it.  I awakened to the fact that I created myself, my parents, everyone and everything in my life and that I had been denying it and using all my Gods power on self-deception. With this realization I experienced pure and infinite terror. I thought that I would never be able to fool myself anymore. Every trick that I was trying to play on myself and every rationalization were very easy to see, therefore, I couldn’t fool myself. At that point my panic was beyond any possible description. I was begging myself to go back, crying asking to come back. And while I was doing it, I was aware that I was asking myself. I spent one moment that paradoxically was infinity in my God’s agony. But of course, I was wrong and I constructed myself again.

Next morning when I woke up, I told myself that whatever I experienced was impossible and I must’ve misunderstood something because people pursue enlightenment and awakening but God seemed to be very attached to the dream.  I tried to disprove my awakening but over and over I would find myself at the same result. I even started shooting myself videos on 5MeO saying that I don’t want to wake up. Now I have like 10 of them on my iCloud (lol).

I’m almost 28 now, and the last time I did 5MeO was half a year ago. The result was the same – I told myself not to pursue enlightenment until I’m at least 30. I want to enjoy the movie, the dream. And here I am, enjoying my dream typing these words, fooling myself that there is somebody who could read this 😊.

 

[LoneWonderer]

Heya thanks for sharing loved to read it. I'm at the start of my journey with 5 meo Malt and hope to reach god realizations like you've had someday. 🙏🙏🙏

[Leo Gura]

@TheGod Perfect!

You got it 

You've achieved an enormous thing for your age. Take some time off to integrate it. Your whole life is still ahead of you. There's no rush.

Edited 21 hours ago by Leo Gura

[RightHand]

Congrats!

 

[Spiral Wizard]

During such awakenings you describe, some parts awaken, while others do not. Other, unintegrated parts resist, feel fear, and are terrified.
This is totally natural if you understand how trauma and the psyche work. You are literally traumatizing yourself with your awakenings. Parts of your psyche are still a child. Not the mature adult you may identify with now. These are different parts. Now when the mature adult part takes psychedelic or meditates hard-core and has a crazy awakening the child in you is literally shocked, paralyzed, and traumatized.

Another much more gentle and integrated way to not only wake up but fully liberate all parts, is not through pushing for an awakening with any technique or substance, but by simply dissolving into non-doing and from that awake & aware state of being, meeting/seeing/feeling/or being with any and everything that comes up.

Meeting every thought, every desire, every resistance, every emotion, every anger, every sadness, every joy, every thrill, every opening, every revelation, every sadness, every despair, every grief, every story every high, every low, etc. 

A whole/holy/healthy way to organically grow and expand your consciousness is by balancing love/integration and wisdom/insight. 

It’s a tight rope, a subtle balance to strike, the further we go, the easier it is to fall from grace. 

Of course, this requires patience, which the mind does not have, but we can become aware of that dynamic and step out of it, process the essential pain of impatience and meet it dispassionately as any and everything that comes up as we dissolve and surrender to all of what is as it is. Then it truly transforms on its own by us (our resistance) getting out of the way. The way. The Tao. Gods way and will, not our own.
 

Otherwise, we may skip ahead, and go outside of our ‘pay grade’ as Chris Bache said (a professor who did 73 high dose LSD trips), of course the the universe/we will slap our (own) wrist. Because our subconscious/unconscious knows. We may deny. In my experience awakenings are only as terrifying as they are unintegrated and we are not ready for them. Consider that one day you, all of you, may be ready for that insight/truth and then, it’s not a terrifying encounter, but the ultimate liberating freedom, a Love, relief, and meeting unimaginable.

In the meantime, let’s meet this moment with the same kind of intensity and presence, so we don’t miss the very valuable lessons the infinite intelligence of Life has presented us right here, and right now.

 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by Spiral Wizard

[OBEler]

@TheGod thank you great report. did I read correctly you vaped on one evening 500 mg? 5 second of a 1:1 vape pen would be 12 mg. Which is a breakthrough dose. So you vaped 40 times a breakthrough dose in one evening?

Edited 11 hours ago by OBEler

[Jannes]

@TheGod that was a nice read. I hope I will get there some day as well. 

Have new passions/ another new sense of purpose opened up to you when you deconstructed many of your old ego fantasies?

Edited 12 hours ago by Jannes

[Ero]

Thanks for sharing! I’ve found myself in a similar boat. I also started early with psychs and that opened my mind in ways that there is no return from (30+ trips( But I realised there is a lot of karma for me to burn through as the human and that there is a lot of stuff I want to do/experience/understand first.

[integration journey]

Beautiful. 

[TheGod]

14 hours ago, LoneWonderer said:

Heya thanks for sharing loved to read it. I'm at the start of my journey with 5 meo Malt and hope to reach god realizations like you've had someday. 🙏🙏🙏

Thank you! I wish you like on your journey! Take it easy! 

[TheGod]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@TheGod Perfect!

You got it 

You've achieved an enormous thing for your age. Take some time off to integrate it. Your whole life is still ahead of you. There's no rush.

Thank you Leo! All this time you've been like my virtual father guiding me on my journey that has just started. 

[TheGod]

8 hours ago, Spiral Wizard said:

 

Meeting every thought, every desire, every resistance, every emotion, every anger, every sadness, every joy, every thrill, every opening, every revelation, every sadness, every despair, every grief, every story every high, every low, etc. 

 

Exactly, that's my plan. I did a lot of psychedelics but I haven't been meditating enough.

[TheGod]

6 hours ago, OBEler said:

@TheGod thank you great report. did I read correctly you vaped on one evening 500 mg? 5 second of a 1:1 vape pen would be 12 mg. Which is a breakthrough dose. So you vaped 40 times a breakthrough dose in one evening?

I don't get breakthrough from 12 mg, I need more and I think I actually vaped like 300 - 400 mg.

It was a night trip from 1 am until 4 o'clock.

[PenguinPablo]

26 minutes ago, TheGod said:

Thank you Leo! All this time you've been like my virtual father guiding me on my journey that has just started. 

The interesting thing about you is you seem to retain a lot of the wisdom and knowledge despite a relatively long (half a year your said) passage of time since your last trip. Even when I have "waking up" / solipsism / God realization experiences, I am able to come back to the dream and forget. But the language that you are using suggests that you remain in that understanding pretty firmly. 5-MEO must be on another level I guess. 

Btw I've had these realizations countless times on caffeine, marijuana, and amanita muscaria mushrooms. Still need to get my hands on 5-MEO.

Edited 7 hours ago by PenguinPablo

[TheGod]

5 hours ago, Jannes said:

Have new passions/ another new sense of purpose opened up to you when you deconstructed many of your old ego fantasies?

I realized that I have always been passionate about travelling and exploration and this passion was in me since childhood. 

I want to visit 100 countries before I die, although I'm still figuring out on how to do it. 

[Hojo]

@TheGod You should know you dont have to figure anything out. Thats Gods job. Just go put faith to test.

Edited 6 hours ago by Hojo

[OBEler]

1 hour ago, TheGod said:

I don't get breakthrough from 12 mg, I need more and I think I actually vaped like 300 - 400 mg.

It was a night trip from 1 am until 4 o'clock.

Wow that sounds interesting that this is possible. I assume you used a vape pen. It will be then 1:1 ratio so in 5 seconds vaping you use 12 mg 5 Meo. So you probably vaped every 3 minutes for 5 seconds or so. That sounds realistic. How was the effect from one hit to another? Was it more and more deeper or always starting from almost point zero and you wait until a wave hits you? What exactly happened over there 3 Hours, was it always the same mental space you got in (light or something) or did the trip changed dynamically? Was there unexpected turnaround like it can happen on lsd or one flow? Was it smooth? 

You are an inspiration for sure. I thought this could overload my energy system if I vape that long.

 

 

Edited 6 hours ago by OBEler

[TheGod]

54 minutes ago, PenguinPablo said:

The interesting thing about you is you seem to retain a lot of the wisdom and knowledge despite a relatively long (half a year your said) passage of time since your last trip. Even when I have "waking up" / solipsism / God realization experiences, I am able to come back to the dream and forget. But the language that you are using suggests that you remain in that understanding pretty firmly. 5-MEO must be on another level I guess. 

Btw I've had these realizations countless times on caffeine, marijuana, and amanita muscaria mushrooms. Still need to get my hands on 5-MEO.

5MeO-DMT is not a joke. It shifted by default state of consciousness, but I can't call myself enlightened or awakened otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place. But I became so much more aware of the fact that I'm constructing a lot of things. 

 

[TheGod]

12 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@TheGod You should know you dont have to figure anything out. Thats Gods job. Just go put faith to test.

Yes! During some trips I realized that everything that is happening is my Will. Every single second of the experience. I also realized that it's completely perfect and couldn't be better. 

[TheGod]

32 minutes ago, OBEler said:

Wow that sounds interesting that this is possible. I assume you used a vape pen. It will be then 1:1 ratio so in 5 seconds vaping you use 12 mg 5 Meo. So you probably vaped every 3 minutes for 5 seconds or so. That sounds realistic. How was the effect from one hit to another? Was it more and more deeper or always starting from almost point zero and you wait until a wave hits you? What exactly happened over there 3 Hours, was it always the same mental space you got in (light or something) or did the trip changed dynamically? Was there unexpected turnaround like it can happen on lsd or one flow? Was it smooth? 

You are an inspiration for sure. I thought this could overload my energy system if I vape that long.

The reason why I liked vaping 5MeO is that you can go as deep as you want too as fast as you want too. The only downside is the trips are shorter. 
It's like the deeper you go the more dimensions you transcend, but what it means I can't explain because it is beyond communication. It's pure mystery and magic. I also never experienced any kind of light but infinite emptiness where the experience is happening. It feels like the deeper you go the more empty the experience become, but  the emptiness is love as well. I remember at some point I was in the dimension where the experience felt like boiling infinite love. It was insane. It was infinitely overwhelming.  The only thought that was in my mind that the experience I was having was impossible, but it was getting more and more impossible. I also had this feeling of too much, I literally couldn't stand my own self and the ego was long gone. God can't stand its love. It's a paradox. It feels like you're drowning in yourself, but the problem is since you are immortal you drown endlessly. It's the most beautiful and the most terrifying experience you could possibly have. I remember having this feeling of please enough, but enough isn't in God's dictionary. 

Edited 5 hours ago by TheGod