I Pursued Enlightenment Too Early

[yetineti]

and have very little motivation for human stuff.

But just enough to make this post because I am absolutely making my life miserable.

I used to be able to forget about everything and go scour Leo’s work or the internet for clarity on everything and anything.

Now that it all makes perfect sense, I do not want it to.

And I fear, as a young male, with a lack of good role models or healthy family, friends who increasingly do not understand me, etc. - that this lack of direction will become dangerous.

Imagine having God mode for a video game, like Skyrim, on. Cool, now that you have access to everything in the game, I want you to play the game and act like everything is normal. Never use the God mode, never acknowledge it. Play the video game like it was meant to be played and just forget about the whole God Mode thing. Could you have as much fun? Would you be able to resist adding something to your inventory or boosting your health a bit?

I feel like my mind is in God mode and Me, the Person, is a regular campaign. A great campaign, that may never be played because someone decided to enter in all the cheat codes and make it no fun.

Ask me whatever. I know it doesn’t make too much sense. I also know I am not in ‘God Mode.’ I am not trying to claim anything.

But I do not know what else to call it when I can feel other peoples feelings, understand very complex structures and just be happy sitting doing nothing - knowing I am screwing myself.

Edited Wednesday at 03:54 AM by yetineti

[WelcometoReality]

@yetineti Yeah I feel you, it can be quite a challenge once the personal will starts to disappear. Nothing seems as fun or passionate as it used to be. 

To use your analogy I thought god mode would be as fun as normal mode except I was invincible, free to do anything. Didn't turn out to be that way.

29 minutes ago, yetineti said:

just be happy sitting doing nothing - knowing I am screwing myself.

Screwing yourself how?

 

[Terell Kirby]

28 minutes ago, yetineti said:

and have very little motivation for human stuff.

It’s easy to deceive yourself into believing that this is the result of spiritual work. It could be the case, but it also might not be. Just something to think about.

30 minutes ago, yetineti said:

And I fear, as a young male, with a lack of good role models or healthy family, friends who increasingly do not understand me, etc. - that this lack of direction will become dangerous.

Here’s where taking massive action comes into play. You could set your sights on identifying what immediate actions you need to take to improve these areas of your life and chart a path forward. Hope & optimism are key.

[yetineti]

@WelcometoReality

I eat binge amounts of sugar, lay around, slack, etc.

I dreamed of making music or helping education people.

By slacking, I reduce my chances and then the pressure of fulfilling any of these ambitions.

I do not want to do that. It is just easier and I do not believe in my self naturally. 
 

Everyone around me is completely demoralized too. Or at the very least they never had my amount of ambition.

Maybe my purpose lies within that. I am sure it does somehow . I have not given up and I am somewhat embarrassed to be this stalled out over something.

I know I must make my purpose. Take control. Ignore others and carve my own path, trusting myself.

It is so hard, with no conventional metrics of success, with no one able to regularly meet me at my level anymore, reassure me, etc.

I hate how much of this is probably from seeing my Dad go down hill. 
 

It is hard being a man. A real man. Not a rich man, not a poor man. Just a man.

 

[WelcometoReality]

5 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

Here’s where taking massive action comes into play. You could set your sights on identifying what immediate actions you need to take to improve these areas of your life and chart a path forward. Hope & optimism are key.

More like a way stopping completly. 🙂

[yetineti]

51 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

It’s easy to deceive yourself into believing that this is the result of spiritual work. It could be the case, but it also might not be. Just something to think about.

Here’s where taking massive action comes into play. You could set your sights on identifying what immediate actions you need to take to improve these areas of your life and chart a path forward. Hope & optimism are key.

Deception is the least of my worries.

Once deception is gone, you have to figure out what to do actually.

And I do not know what to do. I am not good at thinking for myself and doing what would logically work. And I do not have a role model or someone in my life that can easily see into my life and support me specifically.

I was good enough, up until this point. I secured free insurance in America, live alone, work less than 30 hours a week, probably will get money if a relative dies, etc. I can kind of Min-Max the shit out of life and I am way more spoiled than I would like to admit but it is not purposeful or fun.

I want to help people. Make music or educate. But I see how everything just works out now. That makes it so much harder to be selfish and try to save the world myself.

So I do not want to save the world anymore. I do not need saving anymore. I accept I can not save anyone I thought I maybe could anymore.

WTF is there to purposefully do here? Lmao!!

I could fuck chicks? I’d feel bad. Keep eating hedonistically, I would feel bad? Try to get into a relationship and pretend I do not like to be alone 90% of the time? I’d feel bad. Make more money to secure better security for myself but ultimately hate my job or lifestyle? I’d feel bad.

Do I just sit, walk, eat and clean my bowl? 😂

 

Edited Wednesday at 05:13 AM by yetineti

[yetineti]

Who knows, maybe I’ll do something a little out of character and selfishly soon enough.

I know it’s not so bad. It just feels like a waste when there’s people starving and such.

But perhaps I have given my self enough to be free and think freely and not enough to live free and act freely.

[Terell Kirby]

9 minutes ago, yetineti said:

Deception is the least of my worries.

Once deception is gone, you have to figure out what to do actually.

It’s not so simple, self deception is always operative. That’s the main function of the ego mind.

9 minutes ago, yetineti said:

And I do not know what to do. I am not good at thinking for myself and doing what would logically work.

No need to have all the answers, just start doing the things that will make you feel better about your life. You have more control over this than you think.

Edited Wednesday at 05:20 AM by Terell Kirby

[aurum]

1 hour ago, yetineti said:

But I do not know what else to call it when I can feel other peoples feelings, understand very complex structures and just be happy sitting doing nothing - knowing I am screwing myself.

If you're capable of just sitting and being happy, then why are you so miserable?

[yetineti]

@Terell Kirby

4 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

No need to have all the answers, just start doing the things that will make you feel better about your life. You have more control over this than you think.

The kid in me probably just wanted to hear this. Love you ❤️

4 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

It’s not so simple, deception is always operative.

That’s what deception wants you to think, silly.

Edited Wednesday at 05:23 AM by yetineti

[yetineti]

@aurum I feel a radiant joy just from being, like I am connected to the pure energy of existence itself. It’s effortless and fulfilling, and I do not need to do anything to feel it. But the moment I have to step into life—with all its responsibilities, expectations, and demands—it feels heavy and disconnected from that joy. That’s where the dissonance comes in.

I would not say I am conventionally miserable, though. It’s more like I know I’m not fully aligned with what I could be doing, yet I also have a deep understanding that I’m exactly where I need to be. This discomfort feels purposeful, like part of the process of bridging the gap between who I am now and who I know I can become. I didn’t have a deeply traumatic childhood, but life threw just enough confusion my way to shape me into this version of myself. It’s strange, but it feels like this is the spot I’m meant to be in right now, even if it’s not always easy. 

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 05:44 AM by yetineti

[WelcometoReality]

@yetineti well do you want to deeper into spirituality or do you want to go after your ambitions? Not that it needs to be choice between the two but it might help to clarify things for you.

1 hour ago, yetineti said:

I do not want to do that. It is just easier and I do not believe in my self naturally. 

Why not? Are you untrustworthy? 🙂

[yetineti]

@WelcometoReality 

14 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

well do you want to deeper into spirituality or do you want to go after your ambitions? Not that it needs to be choice between the two but it might help to clarify things for you.

There is no ‘deeper’ to my spirituality for the time being and I am resisting my ambitions. Resisting my ambitions is how I bottomed out spirituality, so only having ambitions to turn to is very demotivating.

14 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

@yetineti Why not? Are you untrustworthy? 🙂

I believe in the universe, myself. But I’d say it is quite natural to have self doubts as a person if you grew up the way I did/had the ambitions I do.

The trust I have for myself is much different than believing in myself, for me.

I trust myself to do damn near anything. But I spent over a decade avoiding belief in anything.

Edited Wednesday at 06:01 AM by yetineti

[Breathe]

It'll pass. Try not to isolate. Be responsible. Take care of your health. Don't trash your life.

Spiritual bypassing can really fuck your shit up.

[yetineti]

@Breathe Thank you Thank you Thank you

[WelcometoReality]

40 minutes ago, yetineti said:

There is no ‘deeper’ to my spirituality for the time being and I am resisting my ambitions. Resisting my ambitions is how I bottomed out spirituality, so only having ambitions to turn to is very demotivating.

Yeah, "bottoming out" is great. Once we've done that we can go onto the energetic side of things, for example go into the resistances. Feel them fully. Quitting to distract yourself from them with binge eating, netflix etc.

Isn't there a feeling you're avoiding?

40 minutes ago, yetineti said:

I believe in the universe, myself. But I’d say it is quite natural to have self doubts as a person if you grew up the way I did/had the ambitions I do.

The trust I have for myself is much different than believing in myself, for me.

I trust myself to do damn near anything. But I spent over a decade avoiding belief in anything.

Self doubts sounds like a mindy thing to do. 😊😆

[Breakingthewall]

7 hours ago, yetineti said:

And I do not know what to do. I am not good at thinking for myself and doing what would logically work. And I do not have a role model or someone in my life that can easily see into my life and support me specifically.

The more naked you are before life, that is, with your survival really threatened, the more the true vital impulse surfaces. You are life and life always finds a way, it is absolute impulse. You have to unblock that life within you. Everything that surrounds you, takes care of you, kills you, does not allow you to stop being a fetus that feeds on its umbilical cord. You must see yourself alone in the universe, then the vital force takes control.

[RendHeaven]

9 hours ago, yetineti said:

I could fuck chicks? I’d feel bad.

Hah, gay

[yetineti]

@WelcometoReality No there is not a feeling I’m avoiding. Is it so hard to imagine? Can there be problems without deception? Is not everything ‘Mindy?’ What are you getting at? Energy? Huh?

What are you avoiding?

Edited Wednesday at 03:20 PM by yetineti

[WelcometoReality]

1 hour ago, yetineti said:

@WelcometoReality No there is not a feeling I’m avoiding. Is it so hard to imagine? Can there be problems without deception? Is not everything ‘Mindy?’ What are you getting at? Energy? Huh?

Ok, great then. 😁

1 hour ago, yetineti said:

What are you avoiding?

Nothing that I'm aware of right now. I did avoid alot of fear and anxiety in the past though.