Extreme fear of therapy

[trenton]

I have recently learned that my sister plans to attend family therapy with me and my mom. This causes me such extreme fear and anxiety that it causes me nightmares, horrific sleep paralysis episodes, and a return of suicidal thoughts. I struggled to find ways to cope, resulting in me jumping between laughter and screaming while banging on objects. Once again I decided against cutting myself even though I was tempted to cut myself without suicidal intent.

For the past several weeks I had a great peace of mind. I was preparing to move out and so was my sister. I had hope that for at least most of my life, I would not have to fear contact with her. My peace of mind depends on the news about my sister and her future relationship with me. Ideally I want to be in a position where I don't need her for anything and I can be free from her.

My biggest fear about therapy is that not only am I going to have to talk about my emotions, but I also have to worry about my sister lying about past abuse to manipulate the situation.

My mother and sister often put me in an impossible situation. On the surface they say they want me to open up about my feelings, but when I do it is met with backlash like a lot of yelling and cussing. When I stay silent they treat me like I'm the problem for not being willing to just talk things out. My sister then calls me childish for avoiding conflict even though she is not capable of handling conflict by just talking things out. They force me to bottle up intense emotions and then act like I'm the problem even when my trauma has been weaponized against me. 

The field of medicine and therapy have failed me. They told me that when I was ruminating on my family problems, it was a sign that something was wrong with me. They started giving me anti psychotic medicine which not only didn't work but also damaged my liver resulting in further medical complications. I have been doing everything I could to work on myself and be the best I could be despite my trauma. I took responsibility wherever I could and I have seen this approach to relationships with my sister backfire on me. My desire to be the better person will be capitalized on and exploited.

The hospital failed to recognize the trauma responses and treated me as if I had mental disorders. My relationship with my family has significantly impacted my medical situation and my major life decisions. Unfortunately, the institutions I went to made me go back to living with them due to past suicidal thoughts.

I want to protect myself from future harm. I fear that everything I say will be used against me and trigger retaliation like it previously has. There are so many potential problems with these meetings that need to be addressed.

Any idea on how to handle this? Do you think trying to tough this out for the next few months will destabilize me further? I feel perfectly peaceful so long as I don't have to worry about my sister.

[Salvijus]

                                        Lesson 78

                Let miracles replace all grievances. 

 

Perhaps it is not yet quite clear to you that each decision that you make is one between a grievance and a miracle. ²Each grievance stands like a dark shield of hate before the miracle it would conceal. ³And as you raise it up before your eyes, you will not see the miracle beyond. ⁴Yet all the while it waits for you in light, but you behold your grievances instead.

Today we go beyond the grievances, to look upon the miracle instead. ²We will reverse the way you see by not allowing sight to stop before it sees. ³We will not wait before the shield of hate, but lay it down and gently lift our eyes in silence to behold the Son of God.

He waits for you behind your grievances, and as you lay them down he will appear in shining light where each one stood before. ²For every grievance is a block to sight, and as it lifts you see the Son of God where he has always been. ³He stands in light, but you were in the dark. ⁴Each grievance made the darkness deeper, and you could not see.

Today we will attempt to see God’s Son. ²We will not let ourselves be blind to him; we will not look upon our grievances. ³So is the seeing of the world reversed, as we look out toward truth, away from fear. ⁴We will select one person you have used as target for your grievances, and lay the grievances aside and look at him. ⁵Someone, perhaps, you fear and even hate; someone you think you love who angered you; someone you call a friend, but whom you see as difficult at times or hard to please, demanding, irritating or untrue to the ideal he should accept as his, according to the role you set for him.

You know the one to choose; his name has crossed your mind already. ²He will be the one of whom we ask God’s Son be shown to you. ³Through seeing him behind the grievances that you have held against him, you will learn that what lay hidden while you saw him not is there in everyone, and can be seen. ⁴He who was enemy is more than friend when he is freed to take the holy role the Holy Spirit has assigned to him. ⁵Let him be savior unto you today. ⁶Such is his role in God your Father’s plan.

Our longer practice periods today will see him in this role. ²You will attempt to hold him in your mind, first as you now consider him. ³You will review his faults, the difficulties you have had with him, the pain he caused you, his neglect, and all the little and the larger hurts he gave. ⁴You will regard his body with its flaws and better points as well, and you will think of his mistakes and even of his “sins.”

Then let us ask of Him Who knows this Son of God in his reality and truth, that we may look on him a different way, and see our savior shining in the light of true forgiveness, given unto us. ²We ask Him in the holy Name of God and of His Son, as holy as Himself:

³Let me behold my savior in this one You have appointed as the one for me to ask to lead me to the holy light in which he stands, that I may join with him.

⁴The body’s eyes are closed, and as you think of him who grieved you, let your mind be shown the light in him beyond your grievances.

What you have asked for cannot be denied. ²Your savior has been waiting long for this. ³He would be free, and make his freedom yours. ⁴The Holy Spirit leans from him to you, seeing no separation in God’s Son. ⁵And what you see through Him will free you both. ⁶Be very quiet now, and look upon your shining savior. ⁷No dark grievances obscure the sight of him. ⁸You have allowed the Holy Spirit to express through him the role God gave Him that you might be saved.

God thanks you for these quiet times today in which you laid your images aside, and looked upon the miracle of love the Holy Spirit showed you in their place. ²The world and Heaven join in thanking you, for not one Thought of God but must rejoice as you are saved, and all the world with you.

We will remember this throughout the day, and take the role assigned to us as part of God’s salvation plan, and not our own. ²Temptation falls away when we allow each one we meet to save us, and refuse to hide his light behind our grievances. ³To everyone you meet, and to the ones you think of or remember from the past, allow the role of savior to be given, that you may share it with him. ⁴For you both, and all the sightless ones as well, we pray:

⁵Let miracles replace all grievances.

(ACIM, W-78.1:1-4;2:1-3;3:1-4;4:1-5;5:1-6;6:1-4;7:1-4;8:1-8;9:1-2;10:1-5)

Edited January 6 by Salvijus

[Raze]

https://www.child-focus.org/news/what-will-happen-during-my-family-therapy-session/

[Basman]

Unless you've been ordered to by like the courts or something you can just refuse to attend these sessions. There's no reason why you have to and I find it peculiar that you don't seem to have been consulted about it prior. That said, it could make the family closer but it doesn't seem like your interested in that.

Figure out a way to put distance between yourself and your family. Just setting a plan to move out in motion if you live with them will make you feel better even if it takes a long time. 

Your doctor might be correct in saying that you tend to ruminate considering the wall of text that didn't provide much brevity, no offense. In my own experience, distance and acting on my interests and growing as a person has qualled all rumination I've felt in a relatively short amount times (3-4 months) though I think your on a different scale compared to me.

[puporing]

Uh.. no in your case you do not want to be in a room with your family with a therapist. You gotta smarten up. I know it's very hard to try to "escape" from such a family situation but it's possible and I have done it. 

As well, I feel the responsibility to tell you that the vast majority of "therapists" do not understand your situation and don't want to get more informed either. Most of them either have no experience with bad family situations or are simply not very conscious individuals.

What do you think is holding you back from severing yourself from your toxic family that you clearly seem to know is not good for you?

Look up the word "stockholm syndrome".

You know.. I read stories often that.. people in their 40s or later, realizing much later in their life that in hindsight, that they were trapped in situations like yours and were finally able to "break free". I just wanted to let you know that you have the power to move on with your life if you chose to, it's not easy, but it's possible.

Edited February 8 by puporing

[puporing]

Quote

Stockholm Syndrome refers to a psychological response where hostages or abuse victims develop an emotional bond with their captors or abusers. The term originated from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where four hostages formed a paradoxical attachment to their captors during a six-day ordeal.

Key aspects of Stockholm Syndrome include:

Physical and emotional elements:

Victims begin to identify with their captors' perspectives and may defend their actions

Development of positive feelings toward the abuser while becoming increasingly negative or fearful toward authorities

The victim's natural survival instincts lead them to forge a bond with the person who has power over their life

Victims may interpret small acts of kindness from their captors as genuine care

Psychological mechanisms:

Serves as a coping mechanism in traumatic situations where escape seems impossible

The victim's dependency on their captor for survival can lead to misinterpreting abuse as protection

Cognitive dissonance may occur as victims try to rationalize their situation

The intense stress and fear can alter normal emotional responses and decision-making

It's important to note that Stockholm Syndrome isn't officially recognized as a mental health diagnosis in the DSM-5, though it's widely discussed in psychological literature. The phenomenon has been observed in various contexts beyond hostage situations, including domestic abuse cases, human trafficking, and cult memberships.

Understanding Stockholm Syndrome has helped inform approaches to hostage negotiations and trauma therapy, though experts emphasize that not all victims develop these attachment responses to their captors.

 

[Letho]

@trenton

Your subconscious wants you to assert your boundaries. It is freaking out because it can't. Because it believes it can't, it naturally releases self attacks. 

Your subconscious fears to assert because of the backlash.

Remedy: 

Do so as calmly as possible to bring peace to your mind in thought of asserting them.

Embrace the reaction while consolidating strength towards your sense of self while self-validating in both respects.

For anything that crosses your boundaries, which you should measure as merely that which does not show respect for your preferences at this time, should be met with stronger subtler boundaries.

This protects the integrity of the interactions. You've done what is only your responsibility as a mature adult and they have reacted accordingly. Continue the above remedy, expanding/contracting your boundaries incrementally in a touch and go fashion over a long time horizon based on your mature assessment of the maturity of the dynamics with your family.

Approach this with awareness as your primary centre and target throughout. Slowly but surely, watch as the self-attacking gradually shifts to self-esteem as you more and more begin to find your own self-respect again, and with that, having your own voice determine the life around you, with balance.

Allow your own solutions to emerge from this formula. You do not need me or anyone else, you need yourself to begin to slowly develop deeper levels of self-trust. Do not force, simply follow the formula and trust that your mind will create the solutions it needs with your own innate creativity. 
 

[trenton]

@puporing I have a hard time with this Stockholm syndrome case with my father. He mixed abuse and manipulation with seemingly genuine care. It makes it hard for me to tell if he was a predatory psychopath or a bad father who actually did love me though.

In this case my father was responsible for countless crimes including drug deals, gang violence, child support evasion, and the sexual exploitation of minors including my mom. He threatened to disown me if I told anybody about his crimes, thus manipulating me into becoming an accessory to crime.

During this time he also put up a front of being deeply religious and moral, claiming the father son bond was sacred. He told me false stories about my grandpa before he died. This allowed my father to manipulate me through grief. The narrative he pushed was one of me breaking the cycle of criminality and carrying on the Hamann name.

I could tell in many ways he was fake. This makes me question was his love also fake. In this case he wanted me to tell him about my mom's crimes so he could use that in court against her. Hence he told me I could always talk to him about anything that bothered me. This kind of behavior matches a psychopath.

My father sometimes took me to deals with him including a sex trafficking deal. This is where his gang member offered dad money for me to spend the night with him. I was disturbed by being exposed to sexual predators but dad played it off as a joke after declining the deal.

While all of this was going on I loved my father too much to turn him into the police. The happy memories I shared with him, if he were a psychopath, would be a strategy of long term grooming for exploitation. My love for my father therefore makes me weak and unable to protect myself and others.

The reason I don't like my sister is because she intentionally weaponized this trauma around my father against me. During her outrage she told me all about how sad was loving and caring like a father according to my cousin. All of this was irrelevant and clearly with the intent to cause emotional harm. She now normalized this by making passing comments in casual conversation about dad while hiding behind layers of plausible deniability. This in turn allows her to triangulate other family members against me. I want nothing to do with my sister because of covert narcissistic abuse. @Letho you are right about my struggle with boundaries. I don't know how to handle this situation because any attempt I make will only cause more problems due to my sister's manipulation tactics.

@puporing Do you think my love for my father could be Stockholm syndrome?

[Letho]

10 hours ago, trenton said:

@puporing I have a hard time with this Stockholm syndrome case with my father. He mixed abuse and manipulation with seemingly genuine care. It makes it hard for me to tell if he was a predatory psychopath or a bad father who actually did love me though.

In this case my father was responsible for countless crimes including drug deals, gang violence, child support evasion, and the sexual exploitation of minors including my mom. He threatened to disown me if I told anybody about his crimes, thus manipulating me into becoming an accessory to crime.

During this time he also put up a front of being deeply religious and moral, claiming the father son bond was sacred. He told me false stories about my grandpa before he died. This allowed my father to manipulate me through grief. The narrative he pushed was one of me breaking the cycle of criminality and carrying on the Hamann name.

I could tell in many ways he was fake. This makes me question was his love also fake. In this case he wanted me to tell him about my mom's crimes so he could use that in court against her. Hence he told me I could always talk to him about anything that bothered me. This kind of behavior matches a psychopath.

My father sometimes took me to deals with him including a sex trafficking deal. This is where his gang member offered dad money for me to spend the night with him. I was disturbed by being exposed to sexual predators but dad played it off as a joke after declining the deal.

While all of this was going on I loved my father too much to turn him into the police. The happy memories I shared with him, if he were a psychopath, would be a strategy of long term grooming for exploitation. My love for my father therefore makes me weak and unable to protect myself and others.

The reason I don't like my sister is because she intentionally weaponized this trauma around my father against me. During her outrage she told me all about how sad was loving and caring like a father according to my cousin. All of this was irrelevant and clearly with the intent to cause emotional harm. She now normalized this by making passing comments in casual conversation about dad while hiding behind layers of plausible deniability. This in turn allows her to triangulate other family members against me. I want nothing to do with my sister because of covert narcissistic abuse. @Letho you are right about my struggle with boundaries. I don't know how to handle this situation because any attempt I make will only cause more problems due to my sister's manipulation tactics.

@puporing Do you think my love for my father could be Stockholm syndrome?

@trenton your subconscious is at war with itself. The love you hold for your father clashes with the undeniable reality of what he has done. This internal dissonance is the source of your suffering, not just the memories, but the inability to resolve what he represents to you. Stockholm Syndrome? Perhaps. But beyond labels, what matters is recognizing the profound control he still has on your identity and your perception of love and safety mate.

You are not weak for loving him. You are human. Love, even when bound to trauma does not make you complicit, it makes you aware of how deeply he affected you. The mind clings to the few moments of warmth not because they justify the horror but because they are the mind’s way of surviving what it cannot comprehend.

Your father’s "love" was not love as you deserve to know it. It was a tool, a means to an end, a way to maintain control. If it were real love, it would have sought your freedom, your safety, and your well-being without conditions. But this does not mean you must erase your love for him or that you should erase every instance of love from him, it means you must transform it into deeper contextualisation. One that doesn't run, but walks away in so much as you're gently protecting your dignity and one that walks towards, in as much as your boundaries are being respected. Love does not demand loyalty to destruction. You can love someone and still choose to protect yourself from them, someone can still love you even behind the evil they are corrupted with.

Regarding your sister, you see her tactics, her manipulation, her use of your wounds against you. Your fear is not misplaced. But power lies in the fact that you recognize this pattern. You have already begun to unweave what could be unconscious conditioning on her part all the way to conscious manipulation, you don't know at every precise instance. The theme here is 'I don't know', however you can still leverage your own observations to your advantage. You actively observe unhealthy behaviour, so like observing a simple toxins affects, you move away without a second thought thereafter. Have you ever pondered days after why you took the medication and how your illness is doing now? Take the medication with distance and self healing and do no more outside determining your own responsibilities for yourself, an empowering endeavour that cannot be merely taken away from you and that others have pretended is a power you cannot assert over yourself.

Boundaries are your weapon here but boundaries aren't unbreakable walls; they are doors that you alone decide when to open and to whom and the kind of solidarity behind them is a choice that you get to use to your advantage, choosing to change it to various solid forms of glass and pigmentation relative to what you believe asserts your own responsibilities to the circumstances. The challenge is enforcing them with clarity not as reactionary defenses but as declarations of what you will and will not accept.

You do not have to engage in battle with her or anyone else's manipulation, even though I know how much it can pain one to experience the manipulation from someone you love. Engaging with your desire for everyone to play by a fair game though is a game designed to exhaust you. Instead, disengage with precision. Do not explain, do not justify. "I will not discuss this." "This is not a conversation I will entertain." "I do not owe you an explanation."

If she can, she will provoke you to break these boundaries because her power depends on your reaction. Withhold it. If you engage, do so with calculated detachment, not emotional investment.

As for therapy, it is only useful if the environment is one of safety and genuine resolution. If it is a battlefield, you do not have to enter it. Protect your peace first. If attending destabilizes you, trust that instinct. Your well-being is not a sacrifice for family harmony. Distance may be necessary until you are strong enough to engage on your terms.

Your path is not about severing love, it is about reclaiming it from those who corrupted its meaning.

In doing so, you reclaim yourself.

Edited February 28 by Letho

[trenton]

@Letho you have some good insights. Thank you.

I guess I need to maintain that I don't want to talk to my sister even if the entire family treats me like I'm the problem for shutting down and not wanting to talk. They don't see her manipulation tactics so they tell me to forgive her even if she is not sorry and refuses to take responsibility.

[Beans]

As someone who also gone through extreme abuse with family. I hope that one day you’re able to detach yourself from their abuse. And find peace in your own presence. I use to harm myself as well. I thought death was the only way out of it. I was mortified at the idea of one day I will be alone without the ones I love and trust. I was mortified of how lonely I’d feel. And how scared I was. Though gradually I grew courage. Even if I was shaking like a leaf. I eventually learned I could survive. And so can you. Do not give up. A close friend told me once to be a brave chicken. Meaning even if you are scared and shaking, be brave. You’ve survived the worse days already. If you can survive that then you can survive therapy. We believe in you, and hope for your peace and healing.

 

Edited February 28 by Beans