Extreme fear of therapy

[trenton]

I have recently learned that my sister plans to attend family therapy with me and my mom. This causes me such extreme fear and anxiety that it causes me nightmares, horrific sleep paralysis episodes, and a return of suicidal thoughts. I struggled to find ways to cope, resulting in me jumping between laughter and screaming while banging on objects. Once again I decided against cutting myself even though I was tempted to cut myself without suicidal intent.

For the past several weeks I had a great peace of mind. I was preparing to move out and so was my sister. I had hope that for at least most of my life, I would not have to fear contact with her. My peace of mind depends on the news about my sister and her future relationship with me. Ideally I want to be in a position where I don't need her for anything and I can be free from her.

My biggest fear about therapy is that not only am I going to have to talk about my emotions, but I also have to worry about my sister lying about past abuse to manipulate the situation.

My mother and sister often put me in an impossible situation. On the surface they say they want me to open up about my feelings, but when I do it is met with backlash like a lot of yelling and cussing. When I stay silent they treat me like I'm the problem for not being willing to just talk things out. My sister then calls me childish for avoiding conflict even though she is not capable of handling conflict by just talking things out. They force me to bottle up intense emotions and then act like I'm the problem even when my trauma has been weaponized against me. 

The field of medicine and therapy have failed me. They told me that when I was ruminating on my family problems, it was a sign that something was wrong with me. They started giving me anti psychotic medicine which not only didn't work but also damaged my liver resulting in further medical complications. I have been doing everything I could to work on myself and be the best I could be despite my trauma. I took responsibility wherever I could and I have seen this approach to relationships with my sister backfire on me. My desire to be the better person will be capitalized on and exploited.

The hospital failed to recognize the trauma responses and treated me as if I had mental disorders. My relationship with my family has significantly impacted my medical situation and my major life decisions. Unfortunately, the institutions I went to made me go back to living with them due to past suicidal thoughts.

I want to protect myself from future harm. I fear that everything I say will be used against me and trigger retaliation like it previously has. There are so many potential problems with these meetings that need to be addressed.

Any idea on how to handle this? Do you think trying to tough this out for the next few months will destabilize me further? I feel perfectly peaceful so long as I don't have to worry about my sister.

[Salvijus]

                                        Lesson 78

                Let miracles replace all grievances. 

 

Perhaps it is not yet quite clear to you that each decision that you make is one between a grievance and a miracle. ²Each grievance stands like a dark shield of hate before the miracle it would conceal. ³And as you raise it up before your eyes, you will not see the miracle beyond. ⁴Yet all the while it waits for you in light, but you behold your grievances instead.

Today we go beyond the grievances, to look upon the miracle instead. ²We will reverse the way you see by not allowing sight to stop before it sees. ³We will not wait before the shield of hate, but lay it down and gently lift our eyes in silence to behold the Son of God.

He waits for you behind your grievances, and as you lay them down he will appear in shining light where each one stood before. ²For every grievance is a block to sight, and as it lifts you see the Son of God where he has always been. ³He stands in light, but you were in the dark. ⁴Each grievance made the darkness deeper, and you could not see.

Today we will attempt to see God’s Son. ²We will not let ourselves be blind to him; we will not look upon our grievances. ³So is the seeing of the world reversed, as we look out toward truth, away from fear. ⁴We will select one person you have used as target for your grievances, and lay the grievances aside and look at him. ⁵Someone, perhaps, you fear and even hate; someone you think you love who angered you; someone you call a friend, but whom you see as difficult at times or hard to please, demanding, irritating or untrue to the ideal he should accept as his, according to the role you set for him.

You know the one to choose; his name has crossed your mind already. ²He will be the one of whom we ask God’s Son be shown to you. ³Through seeing him behind the grievances that you have held against him, you will learn that what lay hidden while you saw him not is there in everyone, and can be seen. ⁴He who was enemy is more than friend when he is freed to take the holy role the Holy Spirit has assigned to him. ⁵Let him be savior unto you today. ⁶Such is his role in God your Father’s plan.

Our longer practice periods today will see him in this role. ²You will attempt to hold him in your mind, first as you now consider him. ³You will review his faults, the difficulties you have had with him, the pain he caused you, his neglect, and all the little and the larger hurts he gave. ⁴You will regard his body with its flaws and better points as well, and you will think of his mistakes and even of his “sins.”

Then let us ask of Him Who knows this Son of God in his reality and truth, that we may look on him a different way, and see our savior shining in the light of true forgiveness, given unto us. ²We ask Him in the holy Name of God and of His Son, as holy as Himself:

³Let me behold my savior in this one You have appointed as the one for me to ask to lead me to the holy light in which he stands, that I may join with him.

⁴The body’s eyes are closed, and as you think of him who grieved you, let your mind be shown the light in him beyond your grievances.

What you have asked for cannot be denied. ²Your savior has been waiting long for this. ³He would be free, and make his freedom yours. ⁴The Holy Spirit leans from him to you, seeing no separation in God’s Son. ⁵And what you see through Him will free you both. ⁶Be very quiet now, and look upon your shining savior. ⁷No dark grievances obscure the sight of him. ⁸You have allowed the Holy Spirit to express through him the role God gave Him that you might be saved.

God thanks you for these quiet times today in which you laid your images aside, and looked upon the miracle of love the Holy Spirit showed you in their place. ²The world and Heaven join in thanking you, for not one Thought of God but must rejoice as you are saved, and all the world with you.

We will remember this throughout the day, and take the role assigned to us as part of God’s salvation plan, and not our own. ²Temptation falls away when we allow each one we meet to save us, and refuse to hide his light behind our grievances. ³To everyone you meet, and to the ones you think of or remember from the past, allow the role of savior to be given, that you may share it with him. ⁴For you both, and all the sightless ones as well, we pray:

⁵Let miracles replace all grievances.

(ACIM, W-78.1:1-4;2:1-3;3:1-4;4:1-5;5:1-6;6:1-4;7:1-4;8:1-8;9:1-2;10:1-5)

Edited Monday at 05:47 AM by Salvijus

[Raze]

https://www.child-focus.org/news/what-will-happen-during-my-family-therapy-session/