Choosing Between Love and Personal Development

[Quest]

My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. She's an incredible person and an awesome partner - warm, kind, loving, funny, giving, integral.

 

We recently decided to move in together (haven't yet). Last night, she pulled me aside and asked me if I was "really serious" about us. I asked her what she meant, and she proceeded to tell me that she needed to know I was committed to starting a family with her within the next three or four years. At 27, she feels she's running out of time to have children. If I'm not committed to starting a family with her, she needs to know because she'll need to invest at least a couple of years in finding a new partner and vetting them to make sure they're someone she can have children with.

 

This isn't anything I hadn't heard before. I've always known she wants kids, and I want kids too. But she wants them sooner than me. I'll revisit this in a moment.

 

My situation is this:

I love my girlfriend and she loves me. We have an awesome, happy, loving, healthy relationship.

 

She wants kids sooner than I do.

 

I'm afraid that once we have kids, my bandwidth for personal development will decrease substantially. I'm 30 years old, and there is still so much I want to do. Once I have kids, my available time and resources will shrink substantially. For context, my social life, love life, health and fitness, and to a certain extent, my finances, have all been taken care of. I have an extensive network, awesome friends, a great partner, and excellent physical fitness (diet, exercise, sleep, etc. are highly tuned and refined). That said, I'm only making about 38-40k per year. My focus right now is on my career and life purpose. Thankfully, due to a gift I received from family, my net worth is nearing the multiple 6-figure territory and is prudently invested. But still, I need to be making a hell of a lot more than I currently am if I want to raise a couple of kids. Plus, I still want to go to therapy. I want to travel. I want to go to retreats and seminars. I want to allocate time to studying science, history, etc. so that I can develop big-picture understanding. I want to do spiritual development once I finish laying my foundation (i.e. get on track with my purpose and make decent money). How on earth can I expect to do all that and have kids within the next few years?

 

Another important consideration, and I know what I'm about to say may come across as off-putting - my girlfriend isn't my type physically. She's cute and petite, but I have always had a strong preference for thick women. That's not to say I'm not attracted to my partner - I am. But there are other women I meet in my day-to-day life who I experience much stronger, more visceral physical attraction towards. There's been this tug-of-war inside me from the beginning of our relationship between my desire to pursue women I am more sexually attracted to, and the incredible character my partner has. I understand that lust is fleeting, but I feel like I have sexual karma I haven't burned through, and I'm afraid it will remain present in me for the rest of my life if I don't go out and burn through it by pursuing women I feel stronger sexual attraction towards.

 

Also, one of my core values is health. She does not hold this value nearly as strongly as I do. To be fair, I'm probably in 99% percentile in terms of living a healthy lifestyle, and I can't reasonably expect her to live as I do. She does exercise 2-3 times per week and she prepares her own meals, but she also eats a lot of garbage and she's in denial about it. It's very painful to have a partner who doesn't value health as I do, and seeing her regularly eat poison food is an ongoing source of pain for me in our relationship. I'm also fearful that as she ages, her bad eating habits will catch up to her and she'll begin to lose her looks (again, you may think that's shallow, but us guys are visual creatures, and yes, it matters, at least to me) and develop health problems.

 

Another factor is fear of the unknown. I have this awesome relationship that lots of people dream of having. Is my psychology deceiving me? Am I falling into the trap of thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side? I was single for 7 years before I met my partner (this was partly due to unresolved issues from a difficult childhood, which I've since resolved for the most part). Will I be single for another 7? And who's to say I'll meet someone better? My partner is pretty damn awesome. I also hear the dating scene today is brutal (although people love to spread doomerism and cynicism online).

 

I can't keep going back and forth on this. She deserves to be with someone who is decisive in his intent to be with her. I'm not asking for anyone here to make the decision for me. I'm just sharing this because I've been struggling with it and perhaps there's some insight to be gleaned from hearing the perspective of objective third parties.

Edited January 4 by Quest

[Sincerity]

What would you do if you were in your shoes?

[PsychedelicEagle]

2 hours ago, Quest said:

I asked her what she mean

Great move, it's always wise to ask "what do you mean" when what a girl says is unclear.

2 hours ago, Quest said:

Will I be single for another 7?

No, only if you choose so.

2 hours ago, Quest said:

And who's to say I'll meet someone better?

Chances are in your favor. The more we mature, the better we get at being authentic - expressing our true values. That in turn helps attract better matching people.

---

I was in a similar situation a month ago. Dating an awesome girl, really open-minded, open to my strict eating habits (I'm mostly raw vegan and I never ever eat processed food - though sometimes I do eat meat), super into sports, etc. But I wasn't strongly attracted to her, physically. I decided it was time to let her go. It was the toughest thing I did, but as the days went by after pulling the trigger it became clearer and clearer that it was the right decision.

I've had times in my life where I didn't follow my heart; instead, I followed what I thought people would expect from me, what I ought to do, or the "safest" path to mitigate risk and avoid failure; those were the decisions I regretted the most. Of course, it's still wise to use reason, but notice that the rational mind can't track the really infinite realm of possibilities that reality provides.

[aurum]

@Quest yeah it's tough.

I've been in a similar situation before. I made the choice to end things, and honestly I'm still not sure that was the best decision.

It did give me freedom but at the cost of a great relationship.

I think if you really want kids, I would go for it. You don't need fancy retreats and seminars for personal development. And raising kids can definitely be its own kind of personal growth.

But you're going to have to decide what's most important to you, since something is going to get sacrificed here. You're definitely not going to get it all.

Edited January 5 by aurum

[whh2222]

At this stage of my life, I have grown a greater love and appreciation for my family. Perhaps it's because were all getting older, but looking back, I view my time and memories spent with them are something that I really cherish. And I would like to continue that cycle by having a family of my own when the time is right. 

I really admired the idea of being a lonely monk going on my spiritual journey and attending retreats, etc. But now I see it as a practice that compliments my journey instead of being the entire journey itself. I suppose it's personal preference though. 

Edited January 5 by whh2222

[Sucuk Ekmek]

 If I had the sources and a plan to create a family, I would adopt the children. 

Yeah, females want to feel their own thing, but that is not best option all the time, given the situation.

Edited January 5 by Sucuk Ekmek

[RendHeaven]

You're clearly not ready to have kids with her. Break up.

[Salvijus]

If there are contradicting desires then one will be out of fear and another will be out of love. Love's will is very simple, straightforward and clear yet we chose not to listen to it if we value our egoic desires, hence the conflict. Filter out every voice in your head that comes out of fear and see what vision comes to you radiating in your mind with brilliance, openness and lightness. That will be the right one. The vision will show itself easier if you're by yourself somewhere in nature in silence, somewhere nice. 

Edited January 5 by Salvijus

[gettoefl]

6 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

You're clearly not ready to have kids with her. Break up.

Yes. Better still show her this and let her depart in peace.