My name is Whitney

Buck Edwards · January 10

Buck Edwards · January 10

Buck Edwards · January 10

Alpha mindset lies in shunning away any negativity.

Buck Edwards · January 10

I think my mom messed up my routine a bit.

I don't know how to deal with her. She doesn't give me room or space to do my own stuff..

She will never ask for my permission and do her own thing. Then all my self development plans get messed up.

Yesterday she did something against my will and now I'm suffering the consequences. I feel sick and ill.

I don't know why she keeps breaking my boundaries.

Buck Edwards · January 10

If I have to choose between friendship and time, I'll choose time. Friendship has its own place and it's beautiful and all. But it can be a distraction too. Sometimes friendships can get messy.

Sometimes it's hard to be friends with someone and then break up with them.

The kind of drama that I don't have time for.

And I'm a bit like Leo. Fed up of humanity sometimes. I see all the bullshit, all the judgement. Lack of understanding of reality. People being selfish just like me, at least I own my selfishness, they don't.

And the anger and frustration I feel. I'm not trying to be a good person and I don't want to. I just want to live from my heart.

Did I ever miss friendships?

From my school times, I had few friends. I don't remember very close friendships. Some friends acted like bullies. They would say bad and hurtful things to me. They were selfish too. They would only come to me if they needed something from me.

Growing up a lot of people made friends only for money. If someone threw a party, they would be nice to them.

I didn't have much money to spend in parties. So they wouldn't talk to me. I used to feel discriminated. Because they were extremely rich and they only wanted to be friends with other rich people.

Now I realize that most of humanity is this way. There's no point in complaining. I came from a harsh environment.

Now I used to be mad at some people on this forum as well for how they treated me. Not anymore. I perfectly understand where they are coming from. I felt demeaned, disappointed, depressed, insulted even. But those feelings are gone. I understand why they acted that way with me, I acted the same way with others. Everyone is entitled to their own views and thoughts and feelings.

They also have some goals. And I probably would have interfered with their goals if I had been their friend.

They are on a good path so I'm happy they are doing well in life.

I don't have any grudges with them. All these things are childish.

Maturity comes with following one's path and wishing everyone well.

Edited January 10 by Buck Edwards

Buck Edwards · January 10

I feel a bit anxious about passport work.

Edited January 10 by Buck Edwards

Buck Edwards · January 10

I'm grateful for this life despite its ups and downs. I feel great. Some days are nice and hopeful. Other days are depressing. Whatever happens happens. What's the point of thinking too much.

I blame myself too much. But maybe I should begin bashing myself a bit. It's not okay how I do certain things.

I especially problems with procrastination. I do that a lot.

Buck Edwards · January 11

I need more maturity in me. Looking at others making so much progress, I feel left out and left behind. Although I take baby steps towards my progress and I have done some good in the past year in controlling the effect of my trauma on me, it's still not enough.

I think trauma impacts in a big way and it's effects are quire long lasting.

Buck Edwards · January 11

I need to integrate masculinity in me. And for that I need the Alpha mindset. I have kept toxic people away from me as my sister advised me. I'm just upset that my family stopped therapy.

I did a good job in the last two months keeping toxic people away.

Buck Edwards · January 11

Important post. Saturday. January 11.

https://i.imgflip.com/9gbwqo.gif

So I needed medication and since past three hours I was putting off going to the store to get it. I felt like it was dragging myself out of my comfort zone and I wanted to completely relax today. I haven't slept well either.

Then next minute I said to myself - just go go go go go go go go go girl.... Just go.

I had to get off my ass. It was extremely tough to do that. I felt it was impossible and I felt weak and limp.

Then I finally got up with great difficulty.

Then I just put on my shoes and went to the store. I got the meds.

Then on the way coming back home, I got myself a body lotion as a quick reward for going to the store and not being lazy when I need to go get important things. That's how severe my depression is. I just don't feel motivated.

The body lotion is a mini reward and I got it for a discount. I had to spend only 100 bucks instead of 300. It's a chocolatey cocoa butter lotion.

I don't spend a lot. I spend very little. I try to save my money. I decided to spend a tiny amount today after many days just to reward myself to overcome my laziness and procrastination.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I spend even a little amount of money.

But did it and I don't feel guilty. I spent a tiny amount of money after many many days just to feel a little better and to encourage myself.

Mollyna —

Hey Whitney, you did a great job. You overcame your laziness today and did what was necessary for your health. Good job girl. A baby step in the positive direction.

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

Buck Edwards · January 11

Mollyna seems like a great character in my life.

She will help me lots and also fulfill my deeper heart-to-heart talk intimacy issues.

Played in Tokyo today and won.

I should avoid interaction as much as possible but I'm a human being and I have needs.

I am purely self focused now. Will peep into the main forum probably once a day. Tomorrow just peep once in the morning and then once in the evening. I constantly check the forum a lot for new posts. Because I get a bit excited to respond. It's just my habit. But I also don't want to do it because I'm usually left with a sour taste in my mouth after some interactions with some people on the forum especially the kind of weird responses I get despite being polite and helpful. Then it makes me not want to talk. What's the point of interacting on the forum frankly. Everything turns into a debate. Is it personally helpful to me? Absolutely not. Frankly it's a waste of my time trying to help others when I should be helping my own self. But I like helping people. It's just a human trait to want to help someone who is crying in pain asking for help and support. I immediately feel the maternal feminine instinct in me and I want to jump to help them out. But then I get a rude or weird response as though the help wasn't needed. I mean anyone is always doing their best to help. So I kinda get weirded out when that happens. I have noticed this a lot. Then I stop communicating. It only reinforces my thought that I'm better off sticking to myself and not jumping into public for anything at all. Just keep to myself. Why even bother? Not that I'm trying to be empathetic or anything. I used to overestimate myself. I thought I was extremely empathetic. But I'm not. Now I realize my own biases and lack of empathy. Authenticity is better than empathy. If I'm honest to myself, that's a good start. No need to be extra kind.

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

Buck Edwards · January 11

Saturday January 11.

10.30 pm.

It requires a lot of discipline to stay away from things that are tempting or triggering. Both consume my mental bandwidth. I have to do everything in my power to keep myself mentally strong and stable.

In hindsight people who hated me made me stronger and less dependent. That's a blessing now, but back then it felt like curse.