My name is Whitney

[Buck Edwards]

I think some women make their own appearance their identity or something, me included. I am not sure if it's really healthy or not. But it feels cozy and romantic. It's like a young person thing. 

I can't believe that I'm still heavily attached to the idea of beauty. There's something pristine and pure about it. It's artistic, beautiful, charming. 

I'm usually attracted (I mean I used to) to good looking men. But it has to be a package of sorts. Looks along with character and persona. 

I'm lucky that I dated some of the best looking guys in my life. They were also romantic and hot. Like a movie. 

Hollywood and pop culture generally has a huge impact on people, it certainly has been on me. You feel like life should be colorful, life should be bright. 

I guess the more you suffer, the more you cling to life. 

                            

 

In my heart i wanted to be the conquest of a man. I wanted to feel that masculine energy. I wanted to be dominated in a relationship. I wanted to be a plaything. Life is so beautiful and magical with a partner. Maybe I'm a bit immature. Because I don't take children into consideration. So life appears romantic to me. Yea I used to watch a lot of movies as a kid. It excited me, especially romantic movies. 

                         

Whats the most tempting thing to me about beauty? 

The eyes of a woman. I like beautiful eyes. They excite me. They make me feel I wanna stare at them for hours. Lost into them. Imagining as though I'm talking to them and they are talking to me. 

My husband has very beautiful emotional romantic eyes. 

I like cute eyes on people. I often look at people and I want to communicate with them through eyes alone. I want to know what they feel. Especially beautiful eyes. I want to see an ocean in them. They're the windows to the soul after all. 

I wish I had a lot of money. Then I would walk around in a park handing an ice cream to everyone there every evening. Just to bring a smile on their faces. Make them feel better. Let them have a great time enjoying a free ice cream. Something about people attracts me. Some people are so cool and chill and gracious, never offended, never afraid, never bothered. They create beautiful families and domestic bliss. I chase that dream. I am a dream chaser. 

In my apartment I see lots of people having a happy time. Not miserable at all. 

But one thing is certain. Most people need resources to be genuinely happy. I mean these are rich people. 

When I see poor people, they are generally sad and frustrated. That's understandable. 

But even in their struggle, there's some beauty. 

I appreciate folks who are dirt poor, they keep a smile on their faces and work hard and still try to bring happiness to their children. They still bring beauty to life even if life is so unfair to them. I don't even know how they do it, but they do it. I'm like cheers. 

I came from a poor family as well. Sadly I wasn't that fortunate. There was always chaos at home. 

 

Edited January 4 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I'm not good at making friends. Also I can't have the time for them to begin with. It's not gonna work long term anyway. Friendship is too bothersome for me personally. 

I have a complex of both autism and ADHD I guess. When I hear people talk about ADHD on YouTube, I can definitely relate to their symptoms. 

I think certain symptoms of autism and ADHD tend to overlap. 

I am watching YouTube videos of people who have zero friends. 

I am also a bit avoidant and schizoid. 

These diagnoses happened last year. 

 

Edited January 4 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

9 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I have to deal with a couple of problems that are probably entangling each other. First I need to know what the hell is even going on? 

(this could have been addressed better in therapy) 

So wait a minute. 

I have to consider a couple of premises. 

Premise 1

I'm fundamentally attracted to people 

Premise 2

I feel that people will judge me so I don't tell them how I really feel 

Premise 3

I am actually bold inside like that straightforward post above from social media

Premise 4

I am afraid of being that bold in public with people because I feel it will cause a major backlash and people will consider me rude and I don't want that. This is a valid thought and not just a "feeling." 

Premise 5

I'm not being my authentic self around people although I claim to be. Funny and contradictory, amusing, self serving and kinda self sabotaging too.

Premise 6

I probably think too much or I'm probably too scared. 

Premise 7

People take me lightly and casually, break my boundaries and i feel hurt. 

Premise 8

I retaliate either strongly or with silence and that shows people the real me. 

........... 

I will ask chatgpt about this to get an accurate analysis on these premises and what they mean psychologically since I currently cannot hire a therapist due to money problems and I want a therapist to answer my questions and resolve my psychological dilemmas and struggles. 

 

 

I need to add  more premises to this. 

Premise 9

I'm highly introverted 

Premise 10

I lack self awareness. I don't read the room. I lack the ability to read my environment correctly probably because of my autism 

Premise 11

I like distance. I prefer distance with people. I might have trust and intimacy issues. And that's why I keep a distance. 

Premise 12 

I fear drama. I don't like drama. And I absolutely fear the possibility of it. 

Premise 13

I'm avoidant 

Premise 14

I'm polite and friendly but I hate overfriendliness 

Premise 15

I suffered social anxiety and social alienation for a long time 

Premise 16

I love personal space and the freedom of being by myself a lot of the time 

Premise 17

I have poor boundaries and people pleasing behavior 

Premise 18 

I can be cold. Sometimes hot and cold. 

Premise 19

I don't like being vulnerable right away. I need a baseline trust to open up 

Premise 20 

I hate social games. This aspect is very important to my personal integrity 

Premise 21

I want genuine, authentic relationships and friendships 

Premise 22

I'm conflict avoidant unless it's a very personal relationship. 

Premise 23 

I have trauma, resentment and anger issues. 

Premise 24.

I'm guarded about my privacy and I like  to mind  my own  business 

Edited January 4 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up early this morning. But with a severe headache. 

 

Edited January 5 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

The most important lesson to learn regarding communication —

Is to not be offended easily by any sort of communication. 

Sometimes I get ghosted and it's okay. 

It's not necessary that someone should always respond to me. 

I have a schedule video call today. 

                          

 

We live in a value supplier, value conditioned society, especially in western society. This cannot go away. There is no way this will change. And this is just how things are. I have to learn to adapt to it rather than expect it to change. I live in a western society. So I have to adapt myself to it's value structure. Things are not going to change at all. And that's fine. This is how survival works. Survival is profound in itself. 

 

Edited January 5 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

People value you and trust you when you provide them value. It's a value consuming society. We cannot become high consciousness individuals if we don't provide value. Although this is often viewed as a masculine concept.

Something that I need to integrate moving further through this new year. 

I have to focus mainly on my "struggling" "lifeless" career. 

I value my interactions very highly. They are my prize. They are my hard work. 

[Buck Edwards]

I usually get depressed when someone asks me personal questions unless it's some close friend because I can trust them. 

I hate that this aspect is a permanent part of online communities. I wish it never existed. 

It's my own insecurity. But it's my major insecurity. And I always feel unsafe whenever someone violates this specific boundary of mine.

Some people are friendship oriented and I'm not. This does not mean I'm a hostile person. It's just that I like to keep to myself as much as possible. I think to a certain degree a lot of women can relate to me. Not all women though. But a lot. I hear women constantly complaining about how they feel personally violated on the internet. It's not fun if you are in a position of a woman, you would know why, if you have empathy for women that is.. 

Why is it that that men do this? Not all men do this. When I tell a man "hey don't do this, I don't like it?" he will mostly obey and HE GETS IT, he won't argue with me about it, he won't try to change me, he will understand my discomfort and just respect it. 

Then there are the other kind of men. Who are the exact opposite. It's like if I tell them " hey I don't like this" they will actually go out of their way to do specifically just that. It will trigger the hell out of me. It's like he is enjoying my trigger. I stop interaction at that point. Because I can sense that something is not right. It's my Autistic brain in overdrive. I can just tell that the person is not coming from a good place. There's a subtlety to it. It's like I'm being indirectly mocked for his pleasure. It's an ego issue. I guess. 

If you want to bring your sad fragile ego to me, then I am not going to be a victim of your large fat ego. I don't want to be dealing with that kind of energy. 

I want respect in communications. And when someone does the exact opposite and violates my boundaries, you're not a good person in my eyes, and whether you like it or not, it's clearly not my job to please your emotions. 

And if you think you're pleasing my emotions or flattering my ego, then you can walk your way. There is no friendship or goodwill there. Just silly ego battles. And I don't find it constructive, just a waste of my time and an unnecessary rise in my temper. I don't want to be in that triggered state, feeling mentally violated and then gaslighted and manipulated into believing that there is something wrong with me if I don't behave how you want me to. I mean cut that shit already. I don't need that over and over and over. I need my own space, my comfort zone. And If I don't I feel disrespected. Different people feel disrespected by different things. Everyone has their trigger points. Respectful people generally understand and empathize with this. Disrespectful m***** don't. A woman should not have to deal with it. It's weird, creepy, obsessive vibes and they make me super uncomfortable. 

Edited January 5 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

This is the most inspiring to me. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I kinda don't know if this video is true or not. I will have to watch it again. 

 

Casey Zander. 

Men put value on time

 

I like men who put value on their time. I have seen this. 

This guy is so straightforward. Time and focus will equal high value. 

I think I liked this about men. It's naturally attractive trait. I don't even know why. 

It means he is doing something with his life. This feels good. Not because I want his money. I just want the feeling that he is being constructive. 

 

Put your value or price on your attention. 

I think this makes men attractive too. I like that when a man says he doesn't have time for bullshit. That means he is no drama man. I like that a lot. He has high self esteem and considers himself important. This is not necessarily an indicator of success, but at least it shows his high value attitude. 

99% of men are far too accessible. 

I think he is right about that. Maybe. 

I'm not sure. I never approached men in my life. I never thought it was my job. I find it awkward to flirt with a man. I mean I felt awkward to flirt with men. I think the number one reason was slut shaming and the second reason was that I felt like most men value a woman who directly approaches them or they don't fall in love with her. The first reason is true as well. I think one of my exes accidentally called me that (he later apologized) and I felt awful. That was the first time ever I had approached a guy just out of fun. Because I liked him so much. I jumped with joy. Also because he said indirectly to me — I love you thrice. So I just misunderstood the message (because it wasn't meant for me) and I texted him that I'm interested in him. He directly rejected me and blocked me. I felt nervous and awkward after that like I had committed a crime. I felt like crap.

After that he himself approached me, apologized to me and told me that he liked me and that I was brave for approaching him. I mean roll eyes lol. 

He was being utterly confusing. And he told me that I was his first girlfriend. 

And I was like........ Okay. 

It's just this. I'm not annoyed at all. I found the whole thing amusing. He used to amuse me a lot. I laughed a lot during that time. One minute he would say "I love you" and next minute he would say "we are breaking up." 

Recipe for going crazy. 

So based on this experience I can say men are very accessible. I sometimes like this secretly about them. I was a bit boy crazy initially. 

If men weren't accessible, I wouldn't have gotten lucky in dating some handsome dudes. I hindsight it was both good and bad. Of course I have trauma from men who treated me badly in relationships, but I also have good moments I shared with them. 

It was fascinating sometimes. 

The first two men I dated were quite boring.. It was no fun. 

I think one quality I look up for in men is — is what I can learn from him. 

I feel highly excited if the guy I'm in love with teaches me something, coaches me or has leadership values. I craved this a lot. 

I also received this in some of my past relationships as well as the present one. 

A guy who is firm in his decisions feels so safe and warm.

 

[Buck Edwards]

I think women want high value men and men want high quality women and that's the end of the story pretty much. 

I consider myself a high quality woman. But I still have eons worth of work to do on myself where I would be truly satisfied with who I am. 

I still value a high value man (metaphorically) because that's how I tend to derive some value from. I like to follow such men because there's a lot to learn from them in terms of living life and I have the resolution that my best life will start in 2025. 

                            

 

                              

First of all, I'll not reduce to your level. There are many detractors. I have to avoid that. 

                              

I wasted a lot of time in unnecessary nonsense. Time to be serious. Or that time never comes. 

                             

I always have to start with self honesty. Emotions are a part of me and will always be given the kind of Upbringing and background I came from. Struggle will always be a part of my life. But I have done a ton of emotional management work. And I'm proud of it. I throw the poison out of my system. 

                             

I have to be my own therapist in 2025. Because I don't think my family will give me therapy again ever. That's sad because my depression improved a bit when I had therapy. 

                            

 

I have to work on my depressive states. It's not easily visible on this forum because I pretend to be happy when I'm interacting with people (I don't want negative reactions and weird stuff) so I try to appear as normal as possible. Yet I have my own demons to work on. Leo inspires me everyday as usual. 

                             

This is the only place, my precious journal where I can be completely open about myself, where I can be fearless and open about my feelings, my struggles, my vulnerabilities and my journey. 

                             

Only have high value interactions. This will help my mental health. 

I try to give myself room and space whenever possible. The new year has just begun and I don't wish to pressure myself too much right at the get go. I want some breathing space and not much self judgement or self criticism. 

                              

This will be my main or core journal. 

This is where I want to work on my goals.

                               

2024 was a very difficult year for me in the beginning. The family conflict was extremely high right at the beginning of the year and I went through tremendous mental stress through April and multiple therapists. 

I think my situation got slightly better in May, June and July. 

July is where I got married. August, September were struggle days. Till October. It began to flatten out a bit. I was attending dance classes back then and my situation had slightly improved. My depression had slightly improved as well. But my family stopped that. 

So that did not help my depression in November and December. 

                                

 

 

 

 

Edited January 5 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Another problem is that I get moody a lot. Sometimes I feel like I need a really long vacation from all the stresses of everyday life and I will come back healed. But that needs a lot of money. 

                                

Sometimes I just forget what I have to write. I kinda get lazy and frustrated. 

Hey Whitney, cheer up. It's okay. 

                               

It's my own insecurity dragging me down. 

I'm realizing that I'm getting more confident. As time goes by. I am maturing slowly. It's coming into me.. This protective feminine spirit. 

                              

 

Edited January 5 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Another thing I suffer from is my memory issue because of my depression. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I ate ice cream today to feel better. 

I feel frustrated often. I am just going to focus strictly on Journaling. 

I don't like how my sister talks to my mother. 

Also sometimes my mother acts delusional. She will say very awkward illogical stuff. I hate it. 

But my mother also protects me.

I just feel scared everytime my sister talks to my mother. My anxiety levels shoot through the roof. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I can't spend my days worrying about shit that doesn't matter in the long run. Or won't actually impact me. Haha. I feel so free. And happy sometimes when I'm free from fear. 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made before. I have learned from them. A lot of my mistakes in the past came from my insecurities. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I remember going into hyper paranoid states. I also knew that a lot was at stake. My fears were my biggest enemy. I had made an enemy out of myself. 

What if you just don't care about anything at all? 

I'm now trying to build a career. 

My own weaknesses will work in my favor. 

 

Keep repeating this positive statement. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Note to whitney 

You're delusional and over confident. You can't do shit. 

[Buck Edwards]

My innocent energy. 

[Buck Edwards]

The way I can tackle this issue is with perfect social calibration and silence.