My name is Whitney

[Whitney Edwards]

I feel a bit anxious about passport work. 

            

 

 

 

 

Edited January 10 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

I'm grateful for this life despite its ups and downs. I feel great. Some days are nice and hopeful. Other days are depressing. Whatever happens happens. What's the point of thinking too much.

I blame myself too much. But maybe I should begin bashing myself a bit. It's not okay how I do certain things. 

I especially problems with procrastination. I do that a lot. 

[Whitney Edwards]

I need more maturity in me. Looking at others making so much progress, I feel left out and left behind. Although I take baby steps towards my progress and I have done some good in the past year in controlling the effect of my trauma on me, it's still not enough. 

I think trauma impacts in a big way and it's effects are quire long lasting. 

[Whitney Edwards]

I need to integrate masculinity in me. And for that I need the Alpha mindset. I have kept toxic people away from me as my sister advised me. I'm just upset that my family stopped therapy. 

I did a good job in the last two months keeping toxic people away. 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

Important post. Saturday. January 11. 

                     

https://i.imgflip.com/9gbwqo.gif

So I needed medication and since past three hours I was putting off going to the store to get it. I felt like it was dragging myself out of my comfort zone and I wanted to completely relax today. I haven't slept well either.

Then next minute I said to myself - just go go go go go go go go go girl.... Just go.

I had to get off my ass. It was extremely tough to do that. I felt it was impossible and I felt weak and limp. 

Then I finally got up with great difficulty. 

Then I just put on my shoes and went to the store. I got the meds. 

Then on the way coming back home, I got myself a body lotion as a quick reward for going to the store and not being lazy when I need to go get important things. That's how severe my depression is. I just don't feel motivated. 

The body lotion is a mini reward and I got it for a discount. I had to spend only 100 bucks instead of 300. It's a chocolatey cocoa butter lotion. 

I don't spend a lot. I spend very little. I try to save my money. I decided to spend a tiny amount today after many days just to reward myself to overcome my laziness and procrastination. 

Sometimes I feel guilty if I spend even a little amount of money. 

But did it and I don't feel guilty. I spent a tiny amount of money after many many days just to feel a little better and to encourage myself.

Mollyna —

Hey Whitney, you did a great job. You overcame your laziness today and did what was necessary for your health. Good job girl. A baby step in the positive direction. 

 

 

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Mollyna seems like a great character in my life. 

She will help me lots and also fulfill my deeper heart-to-heart talk intimacy issues. 

Played in Tokyo today and won. 

I should avoid interaction as much as possible but I'm a human being and I have needs. 

 

                      

I am purely self focused now. Will peep into the main forum probably once a day. Tomorrow just peep once in the morning and then once in the evening. I constantly check the forum a lot for new posts. Because I get a bit excited to respond. It's just my habit. But I also don't want to do it because I'm usually left with a sour taste in my mouth after some interactions with some people on the forum especially the kind of weird  responses I get despite being polite and helpful. Then it makes me not want to talk. What's the point of interacting on the forum frankly. Everything turns into a debate. Is it personally helpful to me? Absolutely not. Frankly it's a waste of my time trying to help others when I should be helping my own self. But I like helping people. It's just a human trait to want to help someone who is crying in pain asking for help and support. I immediately feel the maternal feminine instinct in me and I want to jump to help them out. But then I get a rude or weird response as though the help wasn't needed. I mean anyone is always doing their best to help. So I kinda get weirded out when that happens. I have noticed this a lot. Then I stop communicating. It only reinforces my thought that I'm better off sticking to myself and not jumping into public for anything at all. Just keep to myself. Why even bother? Not that I'm trying to be empathetic or anything. I used to overestimate myself. I thought I was extremely empathetic. But I'm not. Now I realize my own biases and lack of empathy. Authenticity is better than empathy. If I'm honest to myself, that's a good start. No need to be extra kind. 

                        

 

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Saturday January 11.

10.30 pm. 

It requires a lot of discipline to stay away from things that are tempting or triggering. Both consume my mental bandwidth. I have to do everything in my power to keep myself mentally strong and stable. 

In hindsight people who hated me made me stronger and less dependent. That's a blessing now, but back then it felt like curse. 

[Whitney Edwards]

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

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Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

 

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Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

 

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Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Time table complete. I can follow this time table anytime I want. 

[Whitney Edwards]

January 11, Saturday. 

Time to sleep. 

Mollyna —

You had a good day and you did well in motivating yourself. Cheers. You deserve your rewards, you earned them. 

Whitney — Mollyna Goodnight. 

 

Edited January 11 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

 

[Whitney Edwards]

On 27/12/2024 at 8:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

 

Woke up. Woke up a bit late though. Because last night I slept a bit late than usual. I was busy preparing my future timetable. 

Now what do I do? It's cold outside. 

I canceled some of my subscriptions that I don't use anymore. 

I have to pay bills. 

I have to check my balance. I recharged my phone yesterday. 

Let's see what I can do today. I want a free day. Sunday is a fun day, a lazy day for me. So I'm gonna just relax as much as possible and not stress myself in any way. 

 

Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

 

                            

 

Right now I'm going for a morning walk. It's bright morning outside full of sunshine. I want to soak all the sunshine. I want my day to start like this. 

I want to be a winner. 

                        

https://i.imgflip.com/9gbwqo.gif

Came back from morning walk. I guess I walked for a brief 30 minutes. It was good. My mood is already getting better. My mood is uplifted. 

So good start for the day after many months. 

                  

 

 

Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Noon/evening 

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

 

https://i.imgflip.com/9gf8mp.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost evening. 

Woke up again from a nap. Today I ate a lot. I have to promise myself to eat less next week onwards. It will be easier next week but I wanted my brunch today. 

I need to drink coffee. Kudos to my family for helping me on my schedule. 

I feel a slight pressure right below my chest. 

 

Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

Evening 

 

Noon 5 P.M.

 

Evening 5 P.M.

 

I have made some significant savings financially. I don't know if any major expenses might be on the way. I am not sure. A little anxious about that. I have gained some weight that I need to lose. 

 

Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

 

January 12, Sunday. 2025.

Evening 

 

I'm still a bit anxious. Tomorrow I have some important work. 

I feel uncomfortable. I feel exhausted and tired even if I went for a morning walk today. 

I was sick two days ago and I was constantly sneezing and I suffered nose and throat irritation. I couldn't sleep because of that. 

 

 

 

Edited January 12 by Buck Edwards