My name is Whitney

[Buck Edwards]

Sometimes I am secretly jealous of men. They can do so many things better than me.

Why God why? Why are men so good at so many things? 

                          

Now what I'm going to say is quite terrifyingly insightful and important and it provides me closure on a lot of questions about masculinity and femininity that have bothered me for some time. This chapter sometimes needs to be closed and sometimes reopened to gain more clarity and perspective. 

So..... 

I also think that this is the gist of the debates between men and women most of the time. 

Men want a high quality woman. They will never settle for a low quality woman. This is a given. They don't want the slutty character type of woman. They want a classy wonderful woman who fits their stereotype of an ideal woman. Or they just want to fuck when they don't get that. 

Now the real thing. Men reject low quality women in bars and clubs because it doesn't fit the kind of woman they want. They get frustrated by such women. Also they can't lower their standards. This is their inherent masculinity. But then they spot a high quality woman somewhere. Chances are that she is already taken. Like she already has a boyfriend. Now. Let's say she doesn't have a boyfriend. She might be the wife material, marriage material, commitment material. But the man doesn't fit to her standards of what's she wants in a man. As usual women always date up. They don't like to date down. When he doesn't fit those standards, she is more likely to reject him. He is frustrated by such rejection because he really desired her and now he cannot get what he really wants. So this is where he sits. In a conundrum. He doesn't like the woman who is far too easily available and accessible and he cannot get the woman who isn't accessible. Classic paradox. 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

11 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Also I like these kind of games too. Leo is good at these too. Just joking 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I told my husband that I'm jealous of certain things. 

This was his advice —

You may want to channel the feeling of jealousy into something else. Anything. Any project or skill you want to improve. 

I like that. What's the point of jealousy anyway? It's not going to bring things to me that I do not have. Everything is a mirage. Even people who look happy externally might not be happy after all. 

 

I want to be more spiritual henceforth and channel that jealousy. Spirituality has no judgment. 

The whole planet should follow spirituality and stop this hustle culture. It's so toxic. 

............ 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 I'll sleep for an hour and then wake up and do some meditation. I use a timer app for this. 

Then I have stuff to attend to. 

                              

I will focus on Michael's advice after that. 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Some pondering....... Some bit of vulnerability. 

In hindsight, Leo helped me a lot and still continues to do so. Which is awesome. If I have to name one hero in my life, it's definitely Leo. He got me out of the ditch. He did me a great favor. I was trapped and he helped me get out of it. I will forever be indebted to Leo for this, I was going  through a lot at that time in my life when Leo helped me. Even if my body leaves my body in death, I won't forget Leo's charity to me. I am highly grateful and indebted to him for his compassion in teaching me the right things. The next hero in my life is obviously my husband. 

 

My mom woke me up and did not let me sleep so I'm feeling a bit exhausted. She does this often where she won't let me sleep. 

  Revisiting an old place in my life —

To a person who I came across a few years back —

I felt belittled by you. I mean who are you. This post is written in anger. Because yea, I still hoard some anger against you and someone else too. You judged me severely. I was going through a rough time and all you did was keep pushing me down. In hindsight a lot of people gave me good advice which I neglected. I wish I hadn't but I used to carry a chip on my shoulder back then, I had low social awareness, zero personal reflection, stuck in trauma and horrible conditions of living, I didn't even have money and I was suicidal nearly every day and I remember how you used to torture me nearly everyday. you were clearly manipulative. The memories flood back. I was sick of you and the mental torment. Thank God you're gone. I can breathe in peace. I mean who the f do you think you are. Huh. You're what. You are someone who lives in the basement in a dark room judging me with your keyboard and what good were you doing. How were you better than me, for you to judge me? You were like.... A truck driver or a fire fighter. And you would casually date whoever would f you in a club or something or some girl who you met on Tinder or some shit like that. And you thought you were a great dude. To look down on me. Thank God your true colors were revealed in time but you needed to be exposed. You had humiliated me and taken advantage of my weaknesses, manipulated everyone against me. And you think you're high quality I guess. I want to get this off my chest because it's been hurting me for so long. Thanks for all the trauma you gave me. You sick individual. You don't deserve happiness in life. Because your mind is full of sick ideas. You hate people and when that hate is reflected back at you, you feel sorry for yourself and play victim. I'm still recovering from all the trauma you created around me. I couldn't even block you. It was pathetic and painful to deal with..... 

In hindsight me getting removed was a huge blessing in disguise. I have ginormous self awareness now that I never had before. Time taught me things.. 

It was pure mental harassment. And you used everything in your power to manipulate, overpower and harm me. 

It was my misfortune to have come across you in my life. Some people are heroes. And some people are like you who bring others down by harming them covertly. 

I'll never forget the scars you gave me. The way you used to frighten me. I used to feel helpless back then in your presence. 

When you were gone, I said good riddance. I got freedom from your torment. 

 

              

 

 

 

 

In hindsight a lot of people were sympathetic to me. I never realized it. I used to judge them negatively. Because I was in a negative frame of mind and I needed more support, more advice, more guidance, more intimate conversations. 

Although this forum is a competitive place. So there's that. 

 

I needed a non-judgmental place, not a competitive place.. Because I came from a place of problems and not a place of privilege.

 

But I did well for myself so far. Thanks to the people who supported me all through the time and still support, trust and believe in me. I needed them. 

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Manosphere tactics. I like that. 

 

 

 

 

 

Leo almost saved my life. I was gonna lose my being and life with someone who constantly manipulated and blackmailed me. Leo told me to break up with him. I was very confused in that relationship. It had destroyed me. 

 

 

Time for a break.

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I acted foolish and I can't fix my past. I just have to let it go. There are just too many things that haunt me. 

 

 

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I have seen irresponsible people in my life. I just wish them the best. That's all I can do. I can't afford to give advice to people when my own life is in limbo. Also it feels a bit shameful of me to offer advice to people when my own life is not in order. Like who am I? Right? It's like a person who is not even in a relationship giving relationship advice to people? It will be absurd. Or someone who has no medical knowledge acting like a doctor!!! It's ridiculous. I am slowly realizing how much bashing I needed in the last 2-3 years of my life. I was suffering so much that I needed to be hospitalized. I was going through a lot, largely because of my family. 

Most successful people actually leave their families and live independently and that's how they prosper. I mean I can't see any other way. Toxic families ruin your mental state and health. 

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I will always keep Leo's guidance in mind. This is going to be a long list of my thoughts and a mix of my perspectives on life, dating, my past, my fixations, my goals, my frustrations and problems.. Just a gist of it. Letting it out gives me a meta picture of my life. It's like self therapy. 

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My perspective on dating —

This is about some questions that some men asked me in the past regarding dating.... 

My frank advice. This might appear rude. But it's brutal honesty on my part. 

If you are someone who is struggling with your career or your footing in life, why are you even thinking about having a girlfriend? How is that gonna fix your life? Why are these men fixated on approaching and wanting women? It appears weird because you're only going to over complicate your life with a relationship when your life is already in the middle of deep unrest and struggle. You want your sexual and emotional needs met. But dating is effing hard... Even for men. Only the struggles are different. But it's hard for both gender. You have to build your life first. Or have a non complicated girlfriend. Most women are hard to figure out, even for us women. Women are very different from one another. We have a biology that sets us in a very different way from men. We simply cannot look at life and gender and sex the way men do. And our programming as women is wired from 1000s of years. How can this change to appeal to men suddenly? We were survival oriented in our own feminine and womanly way. A woman will always want her agenda — it's her survival. She is not a bed of flowers. Or your pet. She is a woman with her own set of psychological, emotional, mental, sexual, security and treatment needs. Every woman wants to be treated differently. Maybe some women like to argue, some do not. Some women want more sex, some do not. Every woman is carved a different way. So it's sort of funny when men put all women in the same box. What's the point? It's a fruitless exercise. You have to understand your woman. Because she is your woman. Her needs are gonna be different from another woman. But first you have to have her in your life. Next is responsibility. A woman is a responsibility, not a burden. This is a fact. It's unchangeable. You might admire a woman at first because of all the satisfaction and emotions and ego boost she gives you. Yet she is a woman. So she has needs like any human being. Are you capable of satisfying her needs? As your relationship with her progresses, there will be more needs. She might want to be the mother of your child. She might want children. She might need money. She might need you emotionally. She might need you sexually. You gotta ask yourself an honest question — are you ready for all of this? The fact of the matter is that most guys aren't. They treat relationship like a candy or a trip to the beach. Chances are that you can't really fulfill her the way she wants to be fulfilled. Whether it's a first world country or a third world country, a woman is a woman everywhere. A woman gives birth to babies. She has to raise them. Modern women have more pressures, they need to have a stable career on top of handling domestic responsibilities of children and family. How do you think she can do that? A woman is a woman. This fact won't change with time. It has remained the same for thousands of years. Women have needs for self sufficiency, community, society, health,kids, survival. We need dependable men. We need men who understand us. Even if a woman is not financially dependent on you, she has some basic expectations from you. She wants a wholesome relationship from you. She wants maturity in you. She will hate it if you act like a man baby. She will hate it if you always want her to step up and you never lead. 

 

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up early this morning and then fell asleep again. Yesterday evening I had decided that I will do a task which I had been putting off for days and I got it done. Feels so freeing a bit. Today I will definitely ask my sister about certain things. 

I have my passport work coming up. I need to do it diligently. 

 

This year has begun well. 

                                

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

                                

I like my new name — malicious moth. So funny and cute and malicious at the same time. Ahhhhh. I want to be in the mountains, away from humanity and all the 

[Buck Edwards]

Be away from traffic lol. 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm so uncomfortable right now. I don't like anything about the forum right now. It feels dull, the same boring debates. What did i get. 

[Buck Edwards]

My sister needs to help me out about certain things. 

[Buck Edwards]

I'll stay off the forum completely and block all notifications. I'm fed up with certain things. They are disturbing. 

[Buck Edwards]

I need lots and lots of rest. I feel like I'll faint. Nothing feels good. Other than my husband. 

I have been so exhausted. 

I just don't like anything. Certain things are just depressing. 

Edited January 8 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I need to work extra hard for the next couple of days. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Recipe for dehydration.