My name is Whitney

[Whitney Edwards]

I'll leave the forum for some days. Because I'm a bit overwhelmed. I want some time and energy to myself. My energy is getting distributed in all directions to all the people I care about. But I hardly get time to care for myself in the middle of all this. It's like I'm neglecting myself. 

 

The good news is that I applied for zumba class once again. Good start for the new year. 

Also my mother constantly pressures me to talk to my husband. Which I don't exactly appreciate. I want my own time as well. She nags me a lot if I don't talk to my husband. And that has been frustrating me since the past few days. It's getting tiring when she keeps asking about my husband like a 100 times during the day. Chill. 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

Also I masturbated a lot last night with my husband. So much that I'm having tummy pain. And also a bad guilty feeling. I still have some guilt around the subject of masturbation and sex. And it doesn't seem to go away. 

I felt like I shouldn't have masturbated. I don't watch porn at all. But I got a bit too excited with my husband. And it happened. I couldn't control my horny feelings last night. I wanted it. 

Then when I woke up in the morning I felt guilty and a bit sad about it. Like my body felt limp and lazy and exhausted from too much of it. Yea sex life is good but I guess it comes with some degree of in built guilt, tiredness, not wanting to keep repeating it. Or wanting some space before the next sex session. Just overall exhaustion. 

I felt very tempted with my sexual feelings last night. And couldn't control my horniness. Then felt shame. 

Another day in my sexual repression diary.

After many days I climaxed and orgasmed last night. It was like great. I almost super climaxed. To the peak and fell asleep. 

Morning - tired. 

 

Edited January 6 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

January 6, Monday. 2025. 

I think this year is generally going to be a good year for me. I just have that hunch for some reason. I don't wish to consume any content that's not useful to me. 

Time to get rid of addictions and neuroses. 

 

 

 

I have controlled my game addiction so far. 

So far so good. 

 

 

Pure focus. Smile. 

~ Whitney. 

 

Edited January 6 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

I downloaded an alarm app to keep a timer on my activities. Today a lot of work to do. 

Time to go to sleep. Goodnight. 

 

Edited January 6 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

I woke up. I couldn't sleep well. Last night I had dreams of flying to an alien place in the universe. It was weird because I was flying with some Donald Trump kind of man. So weird.

Time to take the next few steps. I was thinking about dying my hair red or some funky color haha. 

 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

I'm an extremely selfish person. I should be brutally honest about this. This is a stage red quality in me. 

I don't admire selfishness. But I accept that this trait is disproportionately important for survival. 

Leo called me selfish too. 

But I get it. I remember that the only way I could get through my childhood was by being extremely selfish. 

I have low integrity and I don't come from  a first class childhood or Upbringing. I came from a disturbing bad childhood and I did whatever I could to succeed through that environment. 

When people steal items from a store, I don't feel like judging them because they are poor and they do things out of extreme desperation. The more we are non judgemental the better we get as a society overall. 

But I try to undo my negative qualities. Sometimes it's hard because there is a temptation to not care about morality or moral standards. It irritates me. 

It requires too much disciple to always be morally correct. I can't do that.

But I also have empathy. Primarily due to my own suffering. So when people do wrong things, it doesn't shock me. I get why they do wrong things especially for financial reasons. 

I have seen poverty. I understand how people compromise on their morals. 

I used to get very frustrated when my objects were stolen from my room..one day very expensive things were stolen. I did not complain to the police. Because I thought that I should forgive the thief. 

Some people have broken my trust. They took lots of money from me and they never returned it. I did not ask the money back. I was like — let it be. 

My father was a very honest man. But I can't expect the best in people. 

I don't like to judge people. It's a bad thing.

Because people are human beings. They will do both right and wrong. They do what they do. 

The only thing is empathy. The capacity to understand survival. 

My ex boyfriend lied about a lot of things to me. I got very angry at him. Later I ended the relationship because he used to blackmail me. 

After ending the relationship, he started stalking me. I told him that I'll complain to the police. That's when he told me that he will show the police our text messages and the police won't be able to do anything to him. He continued stalking me for a few months. 

Then one day I told him that he really needs to stop, there is no way I will go back to him. Then he stopped.

He was the worst person I dated. 

It wasn't fair for him to do what he did to me. It left me with emotional suffering. 

I usually like people who are forgiving. They are so cute. I crave their love. 

I have been both smart and foolish at many points in my life. 

Someone on the forum called me a big idiot. I don't take it seriously. 

I want a carefree life. I don't want too much discipline.

Maybe I'm irresponsible. But it's also because I suffer a lot mentally.

 

Whats the point of being a good person? 

Everytime I was a good person, I only got slapped in the face with betrayal, rejection, cheating and exploitation. 

Life is meaningless. Especially if you are trying to be a good person. At least in my personal experience. I got nothing by being selfless or good to people. 

I have learned that the more we focus and love ourselves, the better we get at survival and this is our only real goal. The people who win in life are people who survive this life and live a good life. Only that makes sense. Rest is just bullshit. 

Even morality is bullshit. There are so many innocent people and they are rotting in jails because of some government rule or because of false cases.. 

I'm tired of being a good person.. The only way is the selfish way. The more I learn about life, the more I see the pragmatism of selfishness. 

Selfishness does not mean harming someone. But pure self focus. It means just being completely self absorbed.. Everything, all confusion dissolves when you only care about yourself. 

You can't please everyone in life. You can't please this world. You can't even do justice to anyone. Life is too short.

Most people will be good people if they are given enough money, resources, love and happiness. 

Most people do wrong things because they are deeply dissatisfied in life not because they are bad people. 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

I like Western society much more now than Eastern. 

Eastern societies have a lot of biases, judgement and stress as compared to western societies. 

Western societies are heaven. You can date freely. You can get the job you want. You are cared for by the government and you are not judged for every little thing. It's so freeing. 

Western societies are primarily rooted in logic, excellence and non judgement. They allow a person to flourish despite their problems.

I am always reminded of the stark difference between having an Eastern boyfriend versus a western boyfriend. 

The eastern boyfriend was a headache. He would constantly argue over little things, always comment on my appearance, judge me for every little thing. He would judge me if I woke up late. It would be like being in a relationship with Hitler. I always had to impress him. He would never be satisfied with me. Even though I was his first girlfriend as he claimed. He would complain about every little thing. If I was busy he would nag and disturb me. I used to get fed up with him. There was no love, just judgement. Even the color of my dress had to be his choice. Very demanding. He would mock me over silly things. He would control my every move. As though I was his puppet. If I needed any help, he would say he is busy. He would call me only when he wanted to talk. If i wanted to talk, he would say he is busy. 

He would watch a lot of porn and it used to be tiring to deal with it. He had a porn addiction. 

It's like he wanted me to be a perfect girlfriend even though he had nothing to offer me in the relationship. He had sky high standards in a woman but he had zero expectations on what he has to offer. I never felt any empathy from him. He would blame me if I had issues with my family instead of supporting me. 

I used to feel like a slave with him. Always catering to his demands. But my needs were always ignored. He wasn't even interested in knowing if something made me happy. 

If I said I needed something he would avoid helping me. 

Instead he would only help his family and friends. I was nobody to him. 

He wanted a perfect wife. He would place demands on me on what I should do for him but he would never ask me what I wanted. 

I mean why don't you find the perfect wife/girlfriend if that's what you want and leave me the hell alone instead of using me. 

He wanted all kinds of expectations from me but not from himself. 

Eastern societies are like that —

If you don't have a job, you're a bad person. 

If your marriage doesn't work, your neighbors don't want to talk to you. 

If you have mental illness, nobody wants to show you empathy. Why? 

But with western societies there's so much freedom. Nobody judges you for your problems and weaknesses. 

With my western boyfriends, they were sympathetic, listening, patient. Respectful. Giving me their time. Not judging my appearance. Not shaming me. Not telling me constantly what to do. Not judging if I did something wrong or said the wrong thing or had a different opinion. Not microscopically judging me. Not having a long laundry list of expectations on what I should say "yes sir" to them. Just embracing my imperfections and problems. 

You need a heart of gold if you want to truly love someone. Otherwise don't fall in love or don't even call it love. 

I wanted someone who will love me for who I am instead of always wanting me to change to serve his expectations of an ideal partner. 

Having an Eastern boyfriend felt like a job. Having a western boyfriend felt like a gift. 

There are huge differences in these cultures. I will always choose western over Eastern any day. There is no growth in being with a person who is constantly judging you but not giving any value to who you are. 

If you are so dissatisfied with your girlfriend, then get another one who is perfect for you. Don't ruin her life with your complaints. If you can't be happy with someone, then leave them rather than make them suffer for your childish needs. 

 

I wanted a wholesome open minded soulmate and i finally found one. 

Who doesn't love someone who puts effort in understanding you? 

No woman wants to be a slave to a man. We already have enough masculinity in the world. We don't need to be told what a man wants. As though men didn't get what they wanted for so many centuries! 

I mean women were always your slaves and doing what they were told to do to impress the husband. We were always supposed to be happy if our husbands were happy. Did our happiness as women ever matter? 

So why will I go back to a society that doesn't prioritize my happiness as a woman?

Why will I care about what such men want, just to get his validation and be his obedient slave? They can find their slaves in the slave market. 

I'm happy to live life on my own terms. I am happy that I don't have to be a slave to my husband. 

I remember my eastern boyfriend telling me that "if I give you food and water, that's enough"..... As though I am not a human being, as though I have no emotions, no need for sex or emotions or anything else that comprise human needs. Just food and water? Am I an animal? Even animals are treated better in some countries. 

No sir, I don't need your food and water and I don't need to be your slave for food and water. I can afford food myself. What the hell do some men think? They still live in 16th century I guess. 

There is a certain satisfaction in being a financially independent woman. No need to beg to men lol. 

A financially independent woman who is with a husband of her choice is the most happy woman. I don't mind even if her husband is providing for her, as long as he respects her and doesn't use it as a slave ownership license. 

[Princess Arabia]

How many names you got. Whitney, Sarah, Buck. Lol

[Whitney Edwards]

19 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

How many names you got. Whitney, Sarah, Buck. Lol

Lol. 

[Whitney Edwards]

Woke up early morning. Don't know why i couldn't sleep well. 

My family was being supportive yesterday which I liked. 

It's cold outside. I'm waiting for my husband to wake up but he generally sleeps late. 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

Don't have time for weird freak stalkers lol. 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Leo helps me a lot in understanding morality. 

I am waiting for his new video. 

[Whitney Edwards]

I tend to be weird too sometimes. Actually very weird. But that's okay. I feel satisfaction in embracing my own weird quirks. 

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

I'm usually a bit guarded in my journal. And I don't mostly reply to people's comments in journal.

 I'm going to use the forum less. It doesn't interest me that much anymore. Plus I get sort of weird replies to my threads. Sometimes a bit triggering. 

I'm improving slowly. 

Pure self focus and pure self love is the only way. 

Me being myself. 

 

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Me = emotional trashcan. 

[Whitney Edwards]

You shouldn't have the right to judge other's character when you can't judge your own. 

 

 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

Sometimes I am secretly jealous of men. They can do so many things better than me.

Why God why? Why are men so good at so many things? 

                          

Now what I'm going to say is quite terrifyingly insightful and important and it provides me closure on a lot of questions about masculinity and femininity that have bothered me for some time. This chapter sometimes needs to be closed and sometimes reopened to gain more clarity and perspective. 

So..... 

I also think that this is the gist of the debates between men and women most of the time. 

Men want a high quality woman. They will never settle for a low quality woman. This is a given. They don't want the slutty character type of woman. They want a classy wonderful woman who fits their stereotype of an ideal woman. Or they just want to fuck when they don't get that. 

Now the real thing. Men reject low quality women in bars and clubs because it doesn't fit the kind of woman they want. They get frustrated by such women. Also they can't lower their standards. This is their inherent masculinity. But then they spot a high quality woman somewhere. Chances are that she is already taken. Like she already has a boyfriend. Now. Let's say she doesn't have a boyfriend. She might be the wife material, marriage material, commitment material. But the man doesn't fit to her standards of what's she wants in a man. As usual women always date up. They don't like to date down. When he doesn't fit those standards, she is more likely to reject him. He is frustrated by such rejection because he really desired her and now he cannot get what he really wants. So this is where he sits. In a conundrum. He doesn't like the woman who is far too easily available and accessible and he cannot get the woman who isn't accessible. Classic paradox. 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

11 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Also I like these kind of games too. Leo is good at these too. Just joking 

 

 

 

[Whitney Edwards]

 I'll sleep for an hour and then wake up and do some meditation. I use a timer app for this. 

Then I have stuff to attend to. 

                              

I will focus on Michael's advice after that. 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards

[Whitney Edwards]

Some pondering....... Some bit of vulnerability. 

In hindsight, Leo helped me a lot and still continues to do so. Which is awesome. If I have to name one hero in my life, it's definitely Leo. He got me out of the ditch. He did me a great favor. I was trapped and he helped me get out of it. I will forever be indebted to Leo for this, I was going  through a lot at that time in my life when Leo helped me. Even if my body leaves my body in death, I won't forget Leo's charity to me. I am highly grateful and indebted to him for his compassion in teaching me the right things. The next hero in my life is obviously my husband. 

 

My mom woke me up and did not let me sleep so I'm feeling a bit exhausted. She does this often where she won't let me sleep. 

  Revisiting an old place in my life —

To a person who I came across a few years back —

I felt belittled by you. I mean who are you. This post is written in anger. Because yea, I still hoard some anger against you and someone else too. You judged me severely. I was going through a rough time and all you did was keep pushing me down. In hindsight a lot of people gave me good advice which I neglected. I wish I hadn't but I used to carry a chip on my shoulder back then, I had low social awareness, zero personal reflection, stuck in trauma and horrible conditions of living, I didn't even have money and I was suicidal nearly every day and I remember how you used to torture me nearly everyday. you were clearly manipulative. The memories flood back. I was sick of you and the mental torment. Thank God you're gone. I can breathe in peace. I mean who the f do you think you are. Huh. You're what. You are someone who lives in the basement in a dark room judging me with your keyboard and what good were you doing. How were you better than me, for you to judge me? You were like.... A truck driver or a fire fighter. And you would casually date whoever would f you in a club or something or some girl who you met on Tinder or some shit like that. And you thought you were a great dude. To look down on me. Thank God your true colors were revealed in time but you needed to be exposed. You had humiliated me and taken advantage of my weaknesses, manipulated everyone against me. And you think you're high quality I guess. I want to get this off my chest because it's been hurting me for so long. Thanks for all the trauma you gave me. You sick individual. You don't deserve happiness in life. Because your mind is full of sick ideas. You hate people and when that hate is reflected back at you, you feel sorry for yourself and play victim. I'm still recovering from all the trauma you created around me. I couldn't even block you. It was pathetic and painful to deal with..... 

In hindsight me getting removed was a huge blessing in disguise. I have ginormous self awareness now that I never had before. Time taught me things.. 

It was pure mental harassment. And you used everything in your power to manipulate, overpower and harm me. 

It was my misfortune to have come across you in my life. Some people are heroes. And some people are like you who bring others down by harming them covertly. 

I'll never forget the scars you gave me. The way you used to frighten me. I used to feel helpless back then in your presence. 

When you were gone, I said good riddance. I got freedom from your torment. 

 

              

 

 

 

 

In hindsight a lot of people were sympathetic to me. I never realized it. I used to judge them negatively. Because I was in a negative frame of mind and I needed more support, more advice, more guidance, more intimate conversations. 

Although this forum is a competitive place. So there's that. 

 

I needed a non-judgmental place, not a competitive place.. Because I came from a place of problems and not a place of privilege.

 

But I did well for myself so far. Thanks to the people who supported me all through the time and still support, trust and believe in me. I needed them. 

 

 

Edited January 7 by Buck Edwards