Over sharing

[trenton]

When I originally came to this forum, I held myself to a certain standard. I tried to at least pretend to be a high conscious individual. I tried emphasizing the values and mimicking the thought process of what I believed a high conscious individual would embody. Sometimes I failed and it was embarrassing.

Somewhere along the line, I decided to show the forum my true colors. I felt that I wasn't being authentic enough due to the identity I created around the appearance of being intellectually or spiritually advanced. I pushed myself to discuss things that actually bothered me and seemed to be the obstacles in my life. I began discussing deeper emotional issues that I hadn't yet overcome along with the abusive situation with my family which led to suicidal thoughts.

Something felt off about sharing this kind of personal information. Something was uncomfortable about it, but I can't put my finger on it. This pattern continued in real life when I would share things that made me uncomfortable discussing. I reasoned that there might be someone else suffering in this way. Eventually, I did find people who finally felt able to speak about their deep trauma without fear of judgement. On some level I viewed it as a sacrifice for a good cause.

Perhaps the problem was that I didn't know how to discuss who I was as a human being without tying it to trauma and how it impacted me. For example, I could tell you that I am interested in high intelligence and developing an advanced mind. This is why I study things like psychology, philosophy, emotional mastery, among other topics. However, the attachment to seeming intelligent stemmed from a crippled sense of self worth due to trauma. I didn't always hold those interests. This makes me wonder what child was lost along the line. Similarly, I didn't always have such extreme phobia of dating and the opposite sex. This disposition was also a consequence of trauma which seemed to define my worldview in a profound way. What if I remained open and more extroverted rather than shutting down? These are both examples of how I have a hard time showing who I am as a human being without accounting for the profound impact trauma had on my self image.

It looks like online forums became a tool for discussing these things without being threatened because I won't meet these people in real life. I discuss all kinds of things on this forum that I didn't share in real life.

I think my behavior of over sharing began with my school projects. I discussed things like domestic violence and drug addiction. I did that because I was hoping to get help somehow even if meant I would be punished. Perhaps my over sharing is a continuation of this learned childhood pattern. I was otherwise very quiet and silently depressed.

What are your thoughts on this behavior? I think I should trust my instincts and share less personal information in my interactions with others. I even did practice dating where I ended up sharing how I was hurt by anti depressants. Apparently that was too much.

[- Adam -]

Serious trauma is heavy man, it destroys parts of you. It weighs on you, perhaps mostly unconsciously but my experience is that there is a lot of self denial and repressed emotions, Like a suffering child that wasn't given the light of day by anyone.

That emotional charge that was swallowed up at the time because it wasn't safe to express, perhaps is still seeking full expression to this day.

It's just a guess. Don't mind it if it doesn't resonate, but have you done work on your trauma like therapy or psychedelics?

I've hid my trauma for a good 12 years and only recently started opening up to people so I can relate with the impulse, it feels like the implicit distance and alienation can finally disolve when I disclose my wounds. Although it takes an especially safe-feeling person for me to do that.

I don't see it as bad, I think it's only natural for such an influential experience to be part of the story of you that you tell people you connect with.

I've read in Mark Manson's book "Models" that traumas are relational. They inevitably come up and are either resolved or break appart the first intimate relationships one has in a somewhat messy process, which is why he advocates for seing a therapist for those who need it.

[trenton]

I did all kinds of work on myself. I would have done psychedelics had I had access to it. Therapy was slightly helpful. Most of the help came from my own research, self reflection, and insights.

[Buck Edwards]

@trenton I think you should share a lot, a lot, a lot as long as you are anonymous 

This is your only opportunity to grow. Trust me. 

[LastThursday]

Why not just call it what it is?: sharing. It's the primary way people bond. By opening up you also encourage others to open up and we can help each other out and become less like strangers.

But bear in mind that sharing difficult things could be hard for others to handle especially if they're inexperienced: it involves a certain level of commitment others may not want to get into. You have to be able to discern if someone is "ready" to hear what you have to say, and to not get emotionally triggered if they're not interested. If you're not good at that, then be wary of sharing.

I'd say sharing on the internet is far far different from sharing with close friends and family however. The audience is much larger and the range of responses you'll get much wider - so it's more difficult to work out what is good and useful advice. And if you don't get much of a response, you may feel downhearted that nobody cares about what you care about.

What's also lost on the internet is context. People who know you directly have access to your circumstances and history. We on the internet have none of that, so it's much harder to give you relevant advice. On the flip-side we don't have an emotional attachment or an axe to grind, so we might be more detached and objective, and we might notice things you don't. Also, if you're not reasonable at language (on a forum say), it may be difficult for people to understand your problems.

It's certainly possible to make an identity out of trauma, as a way to make people love you or notice you. I'd say that trauma can be extremely difficult to resolve and a lot of the time it's nearly impossible to do without some outside intervention of some sort - just discussing and thinking doesn't help that much - going on a forum may not be best way to resolve trauma. But, it depends greatly on what the trauma was and your response to it. Trauma is often very visceral and ingrained as part of your makeup.

[ryandesreu]

@LastThursday I love your account picture. My relationship with eggs has become VERY intimate. 

[gettoefl]

To write is to remember and to learn. To speak is to understand and to teach. Use both deliberately as self love and compassionate love respectively.

[LastThursday]

23 hours ago, ryandesreu said:

@LastThursday I love your account picture. My relationship with eggs has become VERY intimate. 

Thanks! It's a mix of symbology and AI. It's a symbol of potential rebirth. Or possibly a symbol that I could crack at any moment. Probably the latter.