Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

A few videos I liked: 

 

Edited April 7 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 3/29/2025 at 4:20 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Problems In My Life At This Moment 

So it's been about 3 weeks since the original post so I wanted to revisit this to reflect how this has evolved since. Current commentary (4/18) is in blue. 

1. I'm going through a bad friendship breakup. (Pain: 7  Frivolous Level: 8) (Pain: 3 Frivolous Level: 6)

• I would say that this was at a 9 or 10 about a month ago but now it has dropped down to a 7 pain wise. I find myself ruminating a lot at night and getting into these negative thought spirals. I've mainly been journalling abou this privately in my notes app on my phone because I don't want to cause drama. I've found myself self isolating from my friends because this situation has caused me to close myself off and think that my presance is draining and negative. The general sense of depression is gone, only appearing at like 11pm at night which we all know, your brain tends to act tf up when you haven't been physically taking care of yourself whether it's because you need to sleep or because you haven't eaten a vegetable in three days. I would say I mainly struggle with social anxiety and self esteem issues at this point.  
• I put the frivolous level at an 8 because I feel kind of silly for dealing with this situation at my grown age. Like I have insecurities that I haven't dealt with because I have resolved back in the past when I was like 17 cropping up again. Also, I feel like a lot of my friendship issues are kind of frivolous in that a lot of the people I know are dealing with much heavier shit than I am such as abusive working conditions, job loss, death, etc. and meanwhile I'm sitting here with my biggest problem being *i wish people would hang out with me more and tell me that they like me UwU*
• The pain has significantly decreased as I have been going to therapy and I slowly started being social/ getting out of isolation mode. I talked to a friend who had a different perspective on this and I feel like that helped a lot. Essentially, she was like *You're not crazy for feeling this way, you just have a case of break up brain. The people in your life do care about you and you don't annoy them. Sometimes with break up brain you just need a little bit of encouragment.* And you know what, i really needed that. Also, I feel like naming this as something silly as "break up brain" help you distance yourself from the negative though spirals so you don't believe them and the silliness helps you make light of the situation without invalidating what you're going through. 
• I adjusted the frivolous level because I feel like I have been able to validate my emotions better and because this is a very real issue even if it's not as severe as what other people are dealing with. 

2. I hate being the main person reaching out to make plans with people (Pain: 5 Frivolous Level: 10) (Pain 3: Frivolous Level: 8)

• I feel like this issue goes hand in hand with issue #1 but I put it in it's own category because I was dealing with this problem before issue #1 came up. I feel like if issue 2 is Magikarp, then it eventually evolved into issue 1 which is a Gyrados (my pokemon nerds will understand). Issue 2 started out as relatively harmless but kind of annoying and then it evolved into a strong and threatening issue that severely impacts my mental health. Pain wise, I would say before issue 1 came up, this was at like a 2. But since issue one poured gasoline on this, I'm putting the pain at a 5. I'm putting the frivolous level at a 10 because it feels more frivolous than issue 1. 
• I feel like since I have dealt with issue 1, that issue 2 has been helped in the same way. I feel like the thought of reaching out isn't as bad as 3 weeks ago but I feel like it hasn't fully left me. 

3. My job feels stressful at times and my career prospects feel blurry (Pain: 4  Frivolous Level: 5) (Pain: 3 Frivolous Level: 5)

• I'm putting the pain at a 4 because I would say that my job is exhausting and annoying but not so much so to where I'm working crazy hours and all of the other areas of my life are suffering because of my toxic job. My career prospects feel blurry in the sense that I know where I want to go but the world around me currently feels too unstable for me to go about pursuing things in a sustainable way. And yes, that is existential crisis inducing but also, I have a sense of direction, I have a stable job, and I'm not under the hot water of being unemployed with no money or prospects. As a result, I'm putting this at a frivolous level of 5 because this is something that is important and it's understandable that I feel this way considering the outside conditions but at the same time, I'm in a priviledged place to actually think about higher values like fulfillment and I'm also not in deep shit right now. Nevertheless, I do find myself having the occasional Luigi moment where I'm thinking how nothing is enough for these parasites and they have it coming. 
• The pain has decreased a little bit because I found better ways to deal with my work load. Career prospects still feel blurry and unstable.

4. Existential political dread for the immediate future (Pain: 4 Frivolous Level: 3) (Pain: 6 Frivolous Level: 2)

• I'm putting the frivolous level at 3 because there's some scary stuff happening in this country regarding the erosion of democracy, the rise of oligarchy, the crashing of the markets,  the destruction of our rights, and the implementation of a surveillance state. The thing that's freaking me out the most I would say is ICE basically doing whatever the fuck they want and how apparently, if you're travelling internationally, your phones can be searched and if they find anything against Trump, you're fucked. The only reason the frivolous level isn't lower is because I'm not directly being impacted right at this time. 
• I'm putting the pain at 4 because I definitely feel it but I feel like I'm coping well at this point. Again, this comes from a place of privilege because I'm not directly being impacted right now. And don't get me wrong, I definitely still care about what's happening to other people and communities and I'm not dissassociating by any means (if anything, I've been on information consumption mode). At the same time, I am grounding myself in what is directly in front of me right at this moment and staying present so I don't overwhelm myself with all of the world's problems. I'm also just telling myself that this is not going to forever but I do need to brace myself for the storm up ahead and that I'm going to be able to get through this because I'm fortunate enough to have the resources to help myself and the people immediately around me. 
• Things have been getting more serious in the US and it's been freaking me out more than usual. I have been limitting my news intake to 2-3x a week instead of doomscrolling everyday. I'm coping, but I will be honest, things feel scary.  

5. Recovering from surgery (Pain: 2 Frivolous Level: 10) (Pain: 1 Frivolous Level: 10)

• Now that I'm past the 1 month mark, the pain of the procedure is minimal. Most of it has to do with how weird the swelling feels and how I don't like wearing the compression garments. So that's why the pain is at a 2. I would say earlier back when I got the surgery done, the pain was at a 5 where it was manageable physically mentally but it was creating a mental load on me because I had to return to work, I was still sitting with the *what have I done* feeling, and it was hard to do some basic tasks (not because I was physically restricted mobility wise but because I lacked the energy due to still recovering). 
• Frivolous level is a 10 because this is something that was totally optional and something I chose for myself rather than something that is coming from a health concern. I'm not saying that just because it's frivolous that it means that my decision was bad or unnecessary but it is to say that this does fall into the champagne problems *I lost my diamond earring in the sea* vibe. 
• I have little physical restrictions since I'm not wearing the garments anymore and I'm back to exercising. My body still feels slightly off and my stomach feels tight due to the swelling. I'm sure this will be mostly gone in a month. I would say these last couple weeks went by fast since I'm not wearing the compression garments and I'm like 95% back to normal. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart

There is a therapy post that I saw a while back that essentially said that it's common for people to feel like the world is falling apart given everything that is going on, but "the world falling apart" isn't an exact emotion. And that post was encouraging people to define what consists of the "I feel like the world is falling apart" sentiment. 

I feel a sense of dread because I actually paid attention in school and the stuff that we're seeing on the news is very much giving Nazi Germany. I don't know how deep this hole goes for this country and when we will start turning around for the better. Regular citizens are getting yoinked and deported. The Heritage Foundation is trying to take the right to vote away from anyone whose name doesn't match their birth certificate (which is the case for most married women who changed their last name when they got married). The measles are back. Elon Musk is trying to buy elections and fuck up government programs. The government is picking fights with other countries for no reasons and severing diplomatic ties. People are talking about getting burner phones when travelling internationally so ICE doesn't get to them. The press is getting supressed. The education has been and still is a mess. And AI and convenience culture is largely causing us to be depressive and hedonic slobs while isolating us from one another and eroding creative thinking and critical thought. 

I feel a sense of apathy, disassociation, and complacency because I feel like I have to ignore how I feel and what's going on in the world  in order to function and go to work. Like no matter what happens, I'm just a dumb corporate cog. I know I'm trying to cope with this by focusing on my own life and my immediate surroundings so I can focus on what I can control rather than spiral about what I can't, but it feels wrong that I'm not doing more. I don't even know what more is.

I feel a sense of powerlessness and disillutionment in the face of activism as I watch the world burn because even though I educate myself, have difficult conversations with those around me, and I do my best to live in an ethical, conscientious way, the world is crumbling around me due to forces that are much bigger and richer than myself. I know that I should organize and I should be more politically active, but there is a part of me that thinks *what's the point, the oligarchs and corporate interests already bought out most politicians to where we don't have a meaningful left/party for workers rights.* So it's like, instead of doing that which feels futile, let me just focus on my own life. I know that's not the right attitude to have and that's the very attitude that perpetuates this shit but it's hard to not have that reaction given everything going on.  If I'm working a basic corporate job that doesn't really help people, I might have some degree of stability but then it's like I have to cut myself of what is actually going on. But if I have a job that actually helps people, my line of work is unstable and under threat and I'm still in this place of powerlessness because even if my job helps people, I'm limited by this toxic system.  

I feel a sense of repressed anger. I'm angry at the facists, the racists, the homophobes, and the haters who quite frankly have nothing better to do in their lives than to glue in on Fox News. I'm angry at the complacent overconsumption zombies that are constantly marketing to me with regressive trends like trad wives, that girl, feminine energy, pink pilates princess, or just any one who uses the phrase "run don't walk" when talking about their Amazon store front. I'm angry at the Democrats for their malicious incompetence to get us to this point because their corporate interests and career prospects are more important than the people in this country. I'm angry at Elon Musk to where everytime I see a cybertruck I get pissed off. I'm angry at all of the silicone valley technofacists who are draining the life and connection out from everything using automation, convenience apps, AI, etc. And the reason why I say that I feel a sense of repressed anger rather than outright saying that I feel angry is because I feel like my anger response has been significantly blunted from years of having to hold my tongue in the face of injustice because *that's not how you handle things* and because I have been lulled by the apathy and complacency. Like it's great that I'm able to regulate my emotions and be a "responsible adult" but sometimes I wish I was that angry, irritated teenager again because at least she had some claws and could tell people off. 

I feel a sense of disgust and shame because of how my anger is repressed and how I feel like there is not much I can do. I feel a sense of disgust because I have a freeze reaction to the stressors around me when it now than ever important to fight. 

I feel disoriented because the news is updating by the second, things are getting overturned and then undone, and there is so much constant flip flopping to where I don't even know what exactly I'm dealing with. Don't even get me started with the tariffs and the uncertainty around that. 

I feel unheard and resentful. I don't mean personally unheard, but unheard on a collective level. It feels like there is no one who is genuinely advocating for the good of the people and most people are just grifting psychos. I feel unheard because it feels like right wing populism is the only game around town and there isn't a meaningful, left wing populist alternative. 

I feel worried when I see various social trends that have regressive undertones. I know that pendulums swing. I know that spiral dynamics is at play. And I know that the Four Turnings suggest that this won't last forever and eventually we'll get a time when we have more of a positive tragectory. But sometimes I wonder if those are just comforting tales I tell myself to prevent myself from falling into despair. There is nothing wrong with using a lie or three to get through a difficult time so long as you don't completely delude yourself, but I'm scared that I'm holding on to a baseless sense of hope in these theories. I guess you can argue that these theories aren't baseless in the way that they have evidence backing them up but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaning on the predictions. And in an unpredictable world, theoretical predictions do not feel stable.  

I feel unstable in that I don't know what my surroundings have in store for me and how to plan my future accordingly. It messes with my ability to look forward to things. I feel like I'm on edge because I need to prepare for the worst.  

I feel a sense of grief. I feel grief when I think of the type of country we could have become given the resources we have. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the ways our destiny as our country splintered off with each election. I feel a sense of grief given the timeline we're at. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the various human rights violations I have learned about from the genocides happening around the world, to the deportations, to the ways regular people are getting terrorized by right wing lunatics. Hell, I even feel a sense of grief when I think of life pre-Covid. 

I feel numb because it feels like this chaos has been going on for like 10 years and because it doesn't seem to be getting better.  I feel numb because it feels like everything is futile and no one is being held accountable. Like things that would be considered political scandels are just considered normal now. I guess it's good that I'm not flying off the handle and I'm not becoming cripplingly depressed or so angry that I'm trying to start a riot, but sometimes I wonder if that is the case, not because I'm doing a good job at regulating myself and coping, but because I'm numb and I'm overregulating my emotions. 

I feel disillusioned by the democratic system. Part of me wants to normalize this suffering and say *Grow up, the U.S. isn't anything special. Most of the world hassome form of authoritarianism with restrictions on free speech, protesting, etc. along with corruption in their government.* And yes, this sentiment is correct in that the U.S. is not better than any other part of the world and given the right mix of material conditions it too will fall apart. Like was never an American exceptionalist by any means. I know this mindset isn't helpful in the way that it creates a complacent attitude of doomerism. But part of me feels like this sentiment is coming through because my brain is trying to normalize the chaos and suffering in order to not have to deal with how bad things have gotten. I also feel disillusioned on behalf of my parents who believed in the American dream stronger than I did to where they immigrated to this country pre-9/11. They had a more hopeful view of this country, partly because of the propoganda, partly because it was a better life compared to where they were coming from. But the politics have devolved into something that is similar to what they remember from back home, and it's scary because they never thought the U.S. could fall this far. I don't feel the same sense of shock as them because I didn't get to experience the stability of the 90s and I feel like I have dealt with some degree of chaos from this country from childhood but this, this feels particularly bad. I don't remember much about politics pre-2015 because I was a child and naturally didn't pay attention to politics like that, but I very much remember it not being like this.