Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. 

Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: 

Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024

The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Dread 

I am feeling a sense of dread walking into the new year just as I did in 2024. Thankfully, this time around it feels less intense but it’s still here. Maybe that’s just adulthood? Or perhaps the way I handle it. Idk.

This time around, I feel like the dread is mixed with underlying feelings of irritation and nervous anticipation. I think the following things are contributing to this:

• The Trump Presidency: I have no idea wtf is going to happen given that all 3 branches are red now and they have project 2025. I think as a country we will be okay in the long run but in the short term, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. It won’t be like this forever, but I don’t know how far this hole goes. I am confident in my ability to handle things and not to toot my own horn but I think I’m in a privileged enough position monetary and in terms of having my passport/visas updated to get out in an emergency situation and help those around me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about what happens to the people around me or that my privilege blinds me from what other people are dealing with but it is to say that I’m not the type of person who should be worrying the most.
• My job: Things have been getting better at my job since I came back from my break in terms of me not being burnt out, anxious, lacking in motivation. I have been pretty consistently performing well and have been productive in the volume of work I do.  However, I had a talk with my boss about the only metric that I’m not meeting and that irritated me. She’s fine, don’t get me wrong, and I know she’s just looking out for me. It’s really the pressures of upper management. Basically, I don’t log enough of my time at work because I’m fairly efficient. I can get 50% more work done compared to the requirement in like 3-4 hours in my work day and chill / wait for something to happen for the remainder of my time. Which is kind of the nature of this job from the time that I was hired. But now, with some changes to upper management, there is this expectation that you’re constantly busy even when there is no work around. And that annoys me because if you look at my other metrics, it’s very clear that I’m not a slacker and I do my job, and I do it well at that. It makes me feel like I’m getting punished for being efficient.
  • That’s one thing that I hate about corporate, that doing a good job doesn’t reward you with anything other than more work. It’s not like I’m an overachiever either, I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum on my end to still show that I’m fulfilling my responsibilities. If I do any less, I will be neglecting my responsibilities, and it will show. I also hate the false sense of urgency and the whole thing around pretending to be busy (thankfully I work from home but still). I know this is going to sound naïve and childish of me but I can’t believe that I have to do this shit for another few decades. It’s the weight of that that fills me with dread while the bullet point about talking about my productivity with my boss is just the surface level irritation.
  • Also, I think the dread for the new year is there because my 2 years in corporate anniversary is January 3rd. So I'm like having a tiny existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life since I'm here with this company another year. I am happy with my decision about doing a corporate job after college. I think it helped me save a ton of money to do other things with my life and it gave my life a sense of stability that I was really needing in order to figure out what I wanted to do going forward. At the same time, I feel this sense of shame that I haven't made major moves towards where I ultimately wanted to go because I didn't quite feel ready since there were things I still wanted to accomplish at this job. But the good thing is that now my existential crisis is causing me to really feel ready and the dread contributes to it. 
    • Gonna be honest, I'm kind of at this place with this job where sometimes I fantasize about quitting without having anything lined up and just giving myself the time to frolick through life for a couple of months or have the fact that I don't have something lined up to propell me into figuring things out sooner rather than later. I know that's a dumb decision and I'm not going to do that, especially in this economy, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing lol. 
• This is the year I will have to work towards a career change: I have to start applying to jobs and fellowships. I’m nervous about the opportunities that are out there and what I’m capable of qualifying for. I’m nervous about how long this will take, how my living situation will be impacted, and how my personal relationships with change as a result. This dread has an undercurrent of intimidation when it comes to long term goals.
•  Watching my parents get older and thinking about the responsibilities that will come with that.
  • I think the passage of time is just hitting different now that I’m older. I’m still scared at the thought of my dad passing before my mom even though it is likely that in this event she will move to India to be with her siblings. I don’t have a good relationship with her and I don’t want to take care of her when she’s old. I also feel juvenile for not having a good relationship with her, like I’m some kind of angsty kid who can’t let go of a grudge even though there are many aspects of this relationship that is broken. The thought of just taking care of my dad when he’s old still feels intimidating since it feels like a big responsibility, but it doesn’t feel like a burden I would grow resentful of. But if it’s both my parents or just my mom, I don’t know how I would handle that.
  •  Also, my mom’s eating disorder is still raging on and I can tell that it has made her frail, lacking in energy, and just over all dead looking. That sure as hell doesn’t help.
•  I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of aversion to responsibility. I don’t want to get promoted at work because I don’t want to be responsible for more work. I don’t want to have kids badly enough to justify having them and being responsible for them 24/7. I don’t want to work towards owning a house. I don’t want to take care of aging parents (mainly my mom). I wonder if this makes me stunted in some way.
  • So let’s address this point by point. I don’t want to get promoted at work not because I don’t work hard or because I don’t care about my job at all, but because I don’t want to burn myself out over something that isn’t super important to me. By that I mean that I do see virtue in doing a good job and being reliable but I’m not willing to bend myself backwards to where the rest of my life suffers and I have no work life balance.
  • Not wanting kids or not deciding to have them is not indicative of some kind of moral failing. You’re not selfish for not wanting kids. There are plenty of parents who have kids for selfish reasons and being able to acknowledger your short comings in this situation and not wanting to bring kids into a less than ideal situation is not an indication of selfishness rather it is the later. You aren’t somehow childish for not wanting kids. And you’re not lazy nor are you resisting growing into an adult. Being able to acknowledge this isn’t the life path for you despite the world’s peer pressure and being able to stick to that is an act of self-awareness. And that takes effort and critical thinking which is the opposite of being lazy or avoiding adulthood.
  • My main thing around home ownership is that I don’t think it’s as economically sound of a decision as it was for my parent’s generation giving how the price of housing has skyrocketed. Even if I can afford a down payment, I don’t want to buy a house for the sake of buying a house without thinking if this is a good financial decision for my life situation specifically. I don’t want to buy a house at the cost of my financial peace of mind to where I’m stressed out about a mortgage and I’m house poor.
  • Sure I’m intimidated at the thought of taking care of my aging parents but I think it’s important to acknowledge the context as to why I feel this way given my history of abuse from my mom. I’m 90% sure that I would feel differently if my childhood had been different as well as my adult relationship with my mother.
•  I think I’m also dreading the new year because I have a lot of things I want accomplish this year and I don’t know how I’m going to do it all. I kind of feel intimidated by 2025.  See the following post: 

I referenced the following videos when I was writing about the dread a year ago. I feel like they are still applying now.

[soos_mite_ah]

Diagnosis

I tried to get a Autism and ADHD diagnosis. The diagnostic screening process also involved me getting screened for bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and general mood disorders.

The final verdict this psychiatrist had is that I don’t have any of these things. To put in very simple terms, on a scale of 0-10, 5 and up meaning that you meet the criteria and threshold of the diagnosis in question, for autism I’m a .5, for ADHD I’m a .5, for borderline personality disorder I’m a 0, and for bipolar disorder I’m like a 4.5 to a 5. He explained that I might have a very VERY mild degree of bipolar disorder because I meet the criteria on paper but just barely. There is a good chance that external and situational factors are influencing this. For example, if I got rid of the wave of anxiety I’m experiencing, I would drop to a 3 for bipolar in the 0-10 scale thus disqualifying me from the diagnosis entirely.  

I’m going to start with the positives of my diagnosis experience. I do think it’s worth talking to a professional about this as opposed to taking online quizzes, consulting Dr. Google since Google never went to medical school, or going off of anecdotal experiences that you relate to when it comes to people who have been diagnosed. We talked about how situational and environmental factors make someone look like they have a disorder when that is not case. Because yes, things can come up in your life and you can experience mental health issues but unless what you’re going through is persistent and like a constant in your life, that cannot be classified as a disorder. For example, there is a difference between someone who is experiencing depression as a result of grief versus someone who has major depressive disorder. Someone might score high on a bipolar test screening when they’re going through a messy divorce but the symptoms and severity alone is not enough to diagnose them with bipolar disorder because you need to consider the context of someone’s life. Someone might be easily distracted in 2024 due to the prevalence of smart phones and the pressure to be on all the time even outside of work but that might not meet the threshold of being distractable enough to be considered ADHD even though if they had all the same symptoms in say 1970 they would have been diagnosed with ADHD no doubt.

We also talked about personality as well, particularly in the case of getting diagnosed with autism. Sometimes you’re just more introverted than most people, or maybe you’re just little socially awkward and anxious, or maybe you’re straight forward and don’t really overthink the implications of what is being said rather you take things at face value. Those traits are not the same as meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum. Again, the broader context and specific things in the diagnostic criteria needs to be taken into consideration. Upbringing and culture can also affect your social patterns and it might coincide with some behaviors that people who have autism engage in but again, it isn’t enough to look at the symptoms and their severity, rather you need to look at the context of those symptoms. I also think that it is very likely that I don’t have autism rather I have social anxiety that might be causing me to act in “autistic ways.”

I think the above are all valid points and I think it has been more helpful to have a more nuanced and professional opinion rather than spiraling on whether I have autism based on a Tiktok I saw and somewhat related to lol. At the same time, I don’t really agree with the final verdict this doctor has given me for the following reasons:

1. Autism and ADHD can look different in women. Sure, both men and women do need to meet certain diagnostic criteria to be diagnosed regardless of how the criteria manifests, but I do believe personal biases can interfere with the final judgment of whether a criteria was met. It’s not uncommon for women specifically to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder when really is autism and/ or ADHD since the later is stereotyped as a little boy’s disease.
2. On the same note of how this can manifest differently on women, women are more likely to mask and fall under the radar due to community building and cooperation being more emphasized in our socialization. I think that due to years of masking so that my symptoms don’t overtly present themselves. This doctor was basically like *you don’t have ADHD because you don’t fidget* and for me, I have learned over the years to control that really well. I have a general sense of energy and restlessness as a result of not fidgeting but rather than interpreting this as hyperactivity, a diagnostic criterion for ADHD, this guy is interpreting it as impulsive and anxiety which more closely relates to bipolar disorder.
3. Also, this guy said that you can’t be autistic and have a desire for human connection or closeness. That felt weird because I do know people who are diagnosed but still like having friends and family. Like sure socializing and having those relationships aren’t easy and sometimes it feels easier to be alone instead because you’re not exerting the extra effort to decode social situations, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t like having people around you at all. I also think that painting people with autism as anti social or in some cases unable to express empathy can be dangerous in the way that it causes people to dehumanize neurodivergent people. On top of that, there is also a gendered aspect to this as well where women are socialized to prioritized human connection (and as a result they are more likely to fall under the radar) so the anti social bit is often something that is more closely associated with how autism shows up in men.
4. I also explained that I have a mind that feels like it’s going a million miles per second and as a result I end up stumbling over my words, I interrupt people, and sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. He wrote all of this off to anxiety and as a result, a potential indication for mood disorder like bipolar. But the thing is that I don’t feel anxious when I am having a lot of thoughts, like they’re just there and how I process things. I tried to explain this but I don’t think he was receptive to it lol.
5. I looked back at the diagnostic forms I filled out for both ADHD and bipolar disorder. Out of the 18 questions to determine if I have ADHD, I answered 12 of those questions as things I experience “sometimes” of “often”. For bipolar disorder, I answered no to the vast majority of the questions and the two things I said yes to involved being high energy. Now, it’s important to recognize that there is overlap between ADHD and bipolar disorder, the high energy being the main one. I have never experienced a manic episode and I would say that my mood is pretty stable. The doctor mentioned that there is a nuance on how hyperactivity is associated with ADHD but impulsiveness is associated with bipolar disorder. I explained that I took the test with the assumption that these two words basically mean the same thing since I don’t have the professional knowledge to differentiate between the two. As a result, I think some self-reporting might be at fault for the results in addition to how it’s being interpreted.
   • That said, there is a differentiation between bipolar type 1 and type 2. Type one is the stereotypical bipolar disorder with manic episodes and mood swings. Type two is more depressive and experiences hypomania, which has similar themes to a manic episode but significantly less severe to where it’s not really interfering with someone’s life. And if I take type two into consideration, I can see elements of hypomania being present in my life. But then again, I very slimly fall into the potential of bipolar disorder and it’s not definitive enough for an actual diagnosis as there may be extra factors influencing things.
     • Here is a article that details the types of bipolar disorder out in a very surface level: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

Given everything I written above, I wanted to re-examine my list of symptoms that I thought were indicative of autism or ADHD with the new information I have from the doctor. I also went over both of the lists with the doctor to get his opinion. The commentary under the list items includes this as well as my own input. I highlighted things in green as things that could indicate a dianosis

Autism Symptoms:

1. Difficulty reading social cues, being socially awkward at my big age, and taking things literally since you take things at face value.
   • Could be autism, could also be social anxiety mixed with how you were brought up.
2. Black and white thinking when it comes to trust in relationships/ time blindness (basically once you have earned my trust you have earned it and even if we haven’t talked in forever, the relationship was just frozen in time rather than deteriorating over the time we haven’t spoken).
   • This is most likely due to my upbringing and the way relationships were modeled to me culturally since my parents come from a more collectivistic culture.
3. Feeling overstimulated in loud environments
   • This isn’t a super recurring thing. I think I experience this like a handful of times a year. This doesn’t meet the threshold for autism. Anyone can get overstimulated from time to time.
4. Not liking mushy foods
   •  I thought this was a food aversion thing but then after talking to the doctor, he explained that food aversion causes you to reject a specific food because your brain tells your body that it's inedible. It also causes your body to react negatively by feeling nauseous or gagging, at the sight, scent or taste of the food. I don’t like mushy foods but it isn’t to the point where I’m gagging or nauseous. Again, it’s a threshold thing.
5. Pattern recognition
   • Might be an autism thing
6. Having special interests
   • I feel like my special interests over the years revolved around politics, psychology, and human rights issues. I feel like I have a detailed hobby when it comes to learning about these things and it is a little unconventional to care about this to the extent that I do. But what differentiates this from autism is that it’s not the interest itself or the intensity of which you enjoy it rather it’s when you struggle to have a meaningful conversation about anything else apart from that interest. And even then, it may not even be a meaningful conversation so much as a one-sided info dump. That is not the case for me.

So basically, the only indicators that might point to autism and aren’t completely debunked is the pattern recognition and the difficulties with social cues. That is not sufficient for a diagnosis.

ADHD Symptoms

1. Executive dysfunction, difficulty getting started with tasks, organizing things, lack of object permanence causing food to rot in the fridge etc.
   • This could be indicative of ADHD
2. Interrupting people
   • This could be ADHD or bipolar disorder. The doctor was leaning towards bipolar but I have my doubts.
3. Stuttering because your brain is going faster than your mouth
   •  This could be ADHD or bipolar disorder. The doctor was leaning towards bipolar but I have my doubts.
4. The need for external stimuli to focus
   • That’s becoming pretty standard given the environments people live in with smart phones and the such.
5. The need to walk around and get active to focus + pacing back and forth
   • A lot of people do this and this alone doesn’t meet the threshold for hyperactivity. But also, one of the criteria to be diagnosed with ADHD is the fidgeting. I don’t fidget due to years of masking but I do think that my lack of fidgeting is the reason why I have to get up so often. I’m marking this in purple because I feel like it can go either way.  
6. Needing to get energy out after sitting for long periods of time and getting the zoomies after work
   • You need two or more instances of high energy to be diagnosed with ADHD. If this happens only after work/ school, that isn’t sufficient. If it was ADHD, you would be having the zoomies even during work.
7. Constant procrastination while growing up
   • Considering that you grew out of the constant procrastination, it’s likely that you were a constant procrastinator due developmental stuff or anxiety (basically, you were a kid lol, your frontal lobe was still developing).
8. Sleep issues due to racing thoughts and just constant thoughts in general. 
   • The doctor said this was more of a bipolar thing and linked to anxiety. I tried to tell them that I didn’t feel anxious when I had racing thoughts at any hours of the day but he like glossed over it. I’m more inclined to think this is more so ADHD.
9. Sharing personal experiences to relate and empathize with someone when they are confiding in you.
   • This might be an upbringing / cultural thing rather than an indication of neurodivergence.

So I do think that there might be a case for ADHD but also the extent of which I think I have it are tempered with the nuances the doctor talked about. My main thing is the symptom overlap between ADHD and bipolar disorder and how the main thing I resonate with the bipolar is the high energy piece and nothing else really. I also think that gender and socialization does play a role in this as well and I think it's worth getting a second opinion. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Processing My Anxieties Around Searching for a New Job

I feel like I have been processing my anxieties around searching for a job for the past few days. And I think I just need to write things down and spill things out so that I can process, piece together, and resolve my negative emotions that are preventing me from taking tangible action. I think I got lucky with the job search when I just left college and I didn't get a chance to go through the trenches of the job search. Which is good, and honestly thank god because I needed some luck and light at the end of the tunnel at that time. But at the same time, I bypassed the anxieties and negative emotions around the job search as a whole.

So now I'm going to list out the things that I'm worrying about off the top of my head and work through each of these. 

1.  What if I get a job too soon and then I have to deal with breaking my lease early and my boyfriend is having issues with securing a job at his pace? We'll deal with it when we get the offer at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
2. What if I can't secure any interviews and I'm stuck in my current job? We haven't even started applying. We'll deal with this fear later. 
3. What if I can secure interviews but they are unpaying me compared to the cost of living?  We'll deal with it when we get the offer at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
4. What if I get a job with my desired pay range but it turns out to be toxic and I want my old job back?  We'll deal with it when we get the job at hand. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
5. What if my boss and manager looks at me weird when I ask them to be my referrences or get me a recommendation letter? Dude.. it is what it is at this point. This is something you will have to suck up in the application process. Plus, you probably won't need a recommendation letter until like June so again let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
6. What if I don't get good GRE scores and have difficulty with getting a job for my desired wage? That's why you're going to have to study for this. I understand that you don't want to because it's giving you SAT flashbacks but I'm sure you will do great. Hell, if you get a job, you won't even have to worry about this. Remember, applying to grad school is your plan B that you're proactively prepping for. 

I'm sure y'all can see the common theme of me getting ahead of myself lol.

Best case scenario is that I get a job that I'm interested in, have work life balance in, and pays you enough in a timely manner so that I can coordinate with your boyfriend. Worst case scenario is that I don't get a job this year nor do I get great GRE scores. But, hey, instead, I would have saved more money and gotten a promotion and perhaps the promotion will aid in the job search and applications in 2026. I know I don't like your job right now and I would like to get an exit ticket sooner rather than later but the good thing is that I'm not in a desperate position, I have something to fall back on, and as a result I'm less likely to make rash decisions and accept jobs that isn't good for me. I have the upper hand and the deck is stacked for your favor despite the current economy. But hey, I can be aware of the economy without focusing on it. I shouldn't focus on the economy or stagnating wages. I need to focus on what I  want and need. And no matter how things are going to fall into place (because odds are, your outcome will be something in between the best and worse cases), it will be for your highest good.  

This past week I have focussed on getting through this disorienting week where I had Wednesday off as well as processing my anxiety for this upcoming year. This week I'm going to focus on updating my Linked In profile, updating my resume, and getting my GRE textbooks. On the week of 1/12, I will take a couple of GRE practice tests to see where I fall and my lesson plans going forward and I will apply to at least 1 job. 

Also, in addition to the part of me that fantasizes about quitting my job without a back up plan, there is this part of me that wishes I could just be carefree and frolick around and avoid my adult responsibilities. I know that I can't just do that because well, it's easier to get a job while you currently have one, because I do need references and letters of recommendation (so I'll also need to be going a good job in addition to keeping my job), and I need an income. While I'm fortunate in that I don't have kids, I don't have sick relatives to take care of, and I don't have a mortgage I'm tied to, I am worried about my lease at my apartment, how things will work with my boyfriend logistically,the impacts of my current friendships, and general adult responsibilities like cooking for myself and paying my bills on time. So sure, I don't have a TON of responsibility (like I'm not tone deaf/ unaware) but I do have some. And part of me wishes I didn't have this responsibility at all so I can experience a childlike carefree state of mind.

There is a part of me that feels like I didn't get to enjoy that carefreeness as a child because of the expectations put on me and because of my chaotic household. I didn't get to experience that as a teenager because of academic stress and the existential crisis of trying to figure out what kind of job I wanted. I definitely didn't get to experience it in college due to the fact that I was working through trauma, a pandemic was raging on, and nothing was guranteed from the job market. And yes, back in October, I had a whole month to myself on PTO that I spent travelling. That helped a ton. But also, I was doing a lot of work in that time from organizing my trip to the journalling and reflecting I was doing to answer important questions of my life. Yes, it was a break from my usual, but I wouldn't say it was a break BREAK. 

I know that I'm nervous about the job hunt and I think this is causing me to want to unplug as the pressure, anxiety, and dread are getting to me. To me, frolicking means I'm waking up at my own time, going on my little work outs, spending time with friends, and getting a little treat WITHOUT worrying about the stresses and demands of work, worring about the job application process, or worrying unemployment. The last part is the important part because technicaly I can enjoy these little pleasures right now even with work can capitalism looming over head.  Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would like to stop feeling like this meme: 

As well as this meme because now that I no longer have extended breaks, my free time feels scarce to an extent: 

Like I get why the boomer adults around me told me to enjoy school because in the future I'll have responsibilities. Which didn't resonate back then because as mentioned before, I wasn't exactly a carefree kid. Maybe I would be care free if I wasn't in school during late stage capitalism as the adults around me put pressure on me to not fail like the avocado toast buying Millennials who didn't think their careers through when choosing their art degree.

I guess my best case scenario is getting a job and then having some time between my current job and the new one just to chill the fuck out. Honestly, I think 2 weeks is sufficient. 

Edited 1 hour ago by soos_mite_ah