Candle's Journal ❤️

[Candle]

Note 52. 

Very important video for me. 

Trauma bonds meaning : 

Quote

Trauma bonds refer to strong emotional attachments formed between an individual and an abuser, often in abusive or unhealthy relationships. These bonds develop because of the cycle of intense emotional highs and lows, with moments of affection or care following abusive behavior, which can create a feeling of dependence and confusion. The person being abused may feel a need to "earn" affection or believe that the abuser is the only one who truly understands or cares for them. 

 

Quote

In sex trafficking, a trauma bond can form when a victim develops a strong emotional attachment to their trafficker. This often happens because the trafficker manipulates the victim with intermittent kindness or affection, alternating with abuse or exploitation. The victim may start to feel a false sense of loyalty or dependence on the trafficker due to the intense emotional and psychological manipulation, even though the relationship is abusive. This bond makes it harder for the victim to escape, as they might feel trapped or unable to see the trafficker's harmful behavior clearly. 

 

Quote

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological phenomenon where hostages or victims of kidnapping develop positive feelings, loyalty, or even affection toward their captors. This often happens as a survival mechanism, where the victim starts to identify with or empathize with the captor to reduce the psychological stress and fear. It can be seen in situations like hostage situations, abusive relationships, or even cases like sex trafficking, where the victim begins to see the abuser as someone to trust or rely on, despite the harm being done.

A kidnapped person may develop positive associations with their captors if they have face-to-face contact with them.

If the person has experienced physical abuse from their captor, they may feel gratitude when the abuser treats them humanely or does not physically harm them.

 

Edited Wednesday at 02:11 PM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 53. 

Things to do : 

1. Solve loneliness problem. 
2. Get rid of validation seeking behaviours. 
3. Learn how to deal with attachments. Both online and in real life. Get rid of them. 

I have to solve all the issues that bother me. Including anxiety and all my mental issues. I want freedom and all good things like self esteem, confidence, peace, etc. ♥️

18 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

(chatgpt was not used while writing this post) 

This is my own opinion based on my own experience. The internet may or may not agree with me. But I'll state my own opinion since it's something I tend to rely on. 

Crush - crush is a feeling of temporary romantic attraction. Mostly happens in schools. You might think about them a lot. You might want to spend time with them. You might feel happy when you're around them. Crush can be non-romantic. But usually most people describe it in a romantic sense. Crushes don't last long. My first crush lasted 3 months. I used to like a guy that my sister had introduced me to at a party. He was her friend. He was quite handsome. Crush is mostly due to physical attraction. Crush is generally light hearted and usually goes away on its own like a fever. 

Limerence - to me limerence sounds stronger than crush. The feeling is constant and the desire is obsessive. It doesn't go away easily. Some people might need psychological intervention. My family had asked me to book a therapist when my attachment to a guy online wasn't going away. I had developed limerence for him. I used to have physical symptoms of discomfort if he wasn't online. Therapy helped me a bit. It went away eventually and gradually with the help of therapy. The therapist told me to develop higher self confidence and practice self love. I still suffer but it's much better than what it used to be. Limerence can sometimes lead to stalking. 

PSR - I think this can be both romantic and non-romantic. It's simply an attachment. It's extremely common. The intensity depends on how obsessed you are with the person. It can last really long. Crushes are usually extremely short. PSR might lead to hero-worshipping, fangirling behaviors. The danger with this is that you might start believing everything that person says. Example - a cult... Sadhguru has that effect on many people. Crush can happen with anyone close or distant, usually someone close, like someone in your classroom and usually romantic dreaming with them. PSR usually happens with cult leaders, celebrities, social media gurus, politicians (example Trump fans) PSR can influence your worldview and opinion if you cannot put a lid on it. That's why Leo often emphasizes on using critical reasoning and thinking rather than blindly believing his thoughts and concepts. He wants to actively reduce the PSR effect and he doesn't want Actualized to be a cult which is honestly a great thing about his integrity. 

Crush, limerence, PSR are just different forms of attachments and dependencies and usually have overlapping features and similarities. 

 

Edited 19 hours ago by Candle

[Candle]

Note 54. 

I edit my posts 50 times due to my neurotic self doubt. I'm fed up with this behaviour. I'll see a therapist later. For all my mental issues. 

What to do? Write posts with proper thinking and once u have posted it, leave it as it is. Don't be neurotic about it. It's not good for your brain 🧠. 

Edit only when needed. 

I got to learn a lot of things today. (related to online attachments, etc.) 

Attachment is 99% pain and 1% pleasure. 

I have saved some videos to my watch later. I've to watch them. 

Edit : 

Watch this too :

 

Edited yesterday at 01:54 PM by Candle

[Candle]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

People cannot even being to comprehend what horrors reality has in store for you.

Whatever happiness you have, cherish it, because it can be gone in a flash.

I do not teach unconditional happiness any more because it is a fantasy.

Loved these posts. ♥️ 

4 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Basically, ask yourself: Is my mental sanity, self-esteem, goals, dreams, love, and aspirations worth sacrificing for these superficial idealizations? Most likely not—in fact, definitely not. You will die someday, do you want your life to revolve around unrequited love, or do you want it to be about actual, genuine, realized connections? The more you dwell on it, the more it becomes the former, and less the latter. Mental habits, especially patterns of thought, are incredibly difficult to rewire the longer we indulge in them. Good luck, Candle! Truly wish the best to you. 💛

 

Thank you so much Xonas. It's very helpful for me. It's life changing. ♥️

 

4 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Hey! Yeah, no - limerence can really be a bitch haha.

First, I’d say evaluate what type of limerence it is. If it’s just something that easily passes, don’t feed into it too much, and you’ll be fine. Think of all the crushes or people you’ve obsessed about—now they’re probably just a pleasant or silly memory that doesn’t even come to mind. However, if you see yourself getting more and more attached, then I’d say ideally initiate some contact and see if it’s reciprocated. Limerence doesn’t have to be bad at all; it can also be a potential for friendship, relationships, etc.

However, if you feel like your chances of being rejected are high or you simply can’t put the time or effort into it, then realize that. Use it as fuel to improve yourself (a lot of self-improvement comes from unrequited love, by the way, teehee), or realize that you’re deliberately choosing not to engage with them because of some reason: whether it’s needing time, work, or something else. That way, you still gain some sense of consciousness and control over the situation. You can even reach out to them again when you’re ready. This approach, I’ve found, helps me not think about them as much because I’ve kind of outsourced it to “some other time.”

Also, many people who experience limerence find that once they meet or properly talk to the person, they realize the connection or idol worship they built up in their head was meaningless, and it fades away on its own. You can read Reddit stories or watch videos/shorts about people sharing similar experiences. Here’s a good one: https://youtu.be/h7eev7RgIzw?si=DDDoAsqD3YnmyIlc&t=739.

Now… if it’s 100% parasocial and unrequited, then I’d say carefully evaluate what actually draws you to them. With limerence, there’s this strange kind of ego that develops -- putting them on a pedestal, feeling worthless, or thinking you “need” them for whatever reason. If you carefully examine which parts of them you’re drawn to or need, and begin to integrate those traits into yourself, that can help. Not only will it help you improve yourself (since you were attracted to those traits for a reason, meaning you likely desire them in yourself), but it will also make you more aware of the qualities you prefer and enjoy in others. Then, the next time you spot those traits in someone, that person might reciprocate your feelings.

 

I’ve had periods of strange limerence where I would mirror or indulge in their traits through whatever means, and once I’d “exhausted” it or felt like I’d integrated enough, my limerence lessened significantly or disappeared completely. Basically, ask yourself: Is it how attractive they are? Do I need to work on my own looks? Do they have a certain type of aesthetic? Maybe I enjoy that aesthetic or I’m inspired by how well-refined they are, so I want to embody that too in my own way. You need to ask yourself: What kind of person would I have to be so that I don’t need them anymore? What traits do I need to integrate into myself to stop feeling inferior and putting them on a pedestal? What actual experiences, impacts, or reactions do I need to have to feel satisfied?

Alternatively, limerence can also be disrupted by developing limerence for another person. I’d say 9/10 of these experiences mostly come from a lack of experience with people or not meeting enough of them. When you meet one slightly more put-together human, they stand out to you. But there are plenty of beautiful, amazing people out there, and some will actually reciprocate your interest—you just need to get out there. A big chunk of my own “limerencing” experiences got canceled out when I met other people, hopping from one to the next. At this point, I almost look forward to it because it gives me more motivation, self-understanding, and personal growth. But you need to get to the point where you realize this for yourself. You’ll get there by simply meeting more people. When you’ve only met one “10/10” person by your standards, it’s so much easier to get hyper-attached, whereas if you’ve met 100 of them, it’s a completely different experience.

Another way to address it is by looking deeper into yourself and your goals. The very fact that you can afford to think about someone else in such a prolonged manner shows that you’re not focusing enough on yourself and what you can do. That’s why it’s easier to engage with someone else’s beauty than to build your own. This is probably the most practical thing to do because when you improve yourself, you’ll gain more confidence to approach others, and you’ll feel more assured that your interest will be reciprocated. Plus, you’ll spend more time thinking about your own projects, health, and care, leaving less space for limerence and idolizing others. On top of that, the brain pattern of putting others on a pedestal will fade more and more as you upgrade your confidence.

Finally, if all else feels exhausting, consider therapy or simply find ways to give yourself more love however you can. You will never be able to escape yourself, so you might as well love yourself instead of spending all your fascination on someone who will never properly receive it. Think of people who perhaps loved you, but you didn’t care much for—no matter how much they gave you, it probably didn’t have the impact they wanted.

I really hope this helps in some way. These things truly do pass over time, but they can feel miserable and take a while. The best way forward is to seek genuine, reciprocated connections, which you can only find by upgrading yourself, knowing who you are and what you want, and then putting yourself out there to find those people. It really is a numbers game: expose yourself to as many experiences and people as possible, and you’ll find meaningful connections. This will keep you grounded even if you experience limerence again. It’s ultimately about self-confidence and self-love, and while those things aren’t simple to fix or build immediately, they are worth working on.

♥️♥️

Edited yesterday at 06:32 PM by Candle

[youngonce]

@Candle

Interesting that you’re talking about limerence. She has a great channel, by the way! I also really enjoy Patrick & Lisa’s insights, as well as Heidi’s channel and the information they share on this subject.

As someone who struggles with relationship and love addiction, I’ve realized how easily I can develop intense and loving feelings toward people who give me compliments and attention. It’s something I’m actively working on correcting because this harmful and dangerous habit has led to far too much trouble in my past, including cheating, lying, and even stealing. Growth and accountability are key, and I’m determined to break this cycle—and I know you can too.

Edited yesterday at 08:29 PM by youngonce

[Candle]

@youngonce It was Xonas Pitfall's post, not mine. Hehe. I quoted that here. 

Thanks for the comment. 

10 minutes ago, youngonce said:

I’ve realized how easily I can develop intense and loving feelings toward people who give me compliments and attention. It’s something I’m actively working on correcting because this harmful and dangerous habit has led to far too much trouble in my past, including cheating, lying, and even stealing.

Yes, do something about it. There are videos and therapists that you can see. You'll definitely overcome this. Best wishes !! 

[Candle]

Note 55. 

VERY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS. 

ANALYSIS. 

 

❤️

I feel very guilty that I have ruined some great conversations in my past. 

Bad news : I ruined my great conversations. Someone was writing good things to me, being helpful and what did I do? I ruined it with my wierd comment. This hurts. 

Good news : I got to know some truth about the other person's mind and my own flaws. Came out of my illusion that "everything is okay". 

❤️

If I had so many bad experiences in my past, something must be wrong with me only, not others. 

I react impulsively. My vibes may not be that good or harmonious. I have to learn from my past experiences, forget that past, and make myself better. I need to recognize and remove all my flaws and I have to be very, very good in my personality, behaviours, conversations, vibes, and everything. 

How it will happen? I will improve myself gradually till perfection. Through experience. 

I will see a therapist in future. For all my mental health issues. 📌

I have to achieve mastery in the social domain. (Reminder!!) 📌

 

❤️

I'm in panic due to my exams. I'm afraid something horrible might happen in my family or life. I allow myself to fully feel the fear and anxiety. And I overcome this with immense self love. If I love myself deeply and have high self esteem, i feel very good and complete, and not lonely at all. 

Whatever has messed up (in academics), let it go. I have to focus on things that are still in my control. I have to focus on my work with self love. 

 

❤️ 

Real life vs Online : 

Real life is sooo amazing !!! I want some real life friends and experiences, rather than online. I crave real life things like travel, business, friendships, networking, events, filmmaking, shopping malls, etc. I'm waiting for such good things to come. I crave freedom. I'm sort of confined in my home for a long time. It's painful. 

That's why I get so attached to so many people and things online. I'm getting fed up with "online" stuff. 

I saw a girl writing about her extreme online attachment with a guy (so much that she had physical symptoms of discomfort and needed therapy), and I feel relieved cz it's very relatable and I feel like I am not alone in this. 

❤️

Remember this : 

On 1/16/2025 at 0:59 PM, Leo Gura said:

People cannot even being to comprehend what horrors reality has in store for you.

Whatever happiness you have, cherish it, because it can be gone in a flash.

Cherish the small beautiful moments because your life is uncertain and short. 

❤️ 

Also this : 

On 1/16/2025 at 7:20 PM, Xonas Pitfall said:

Basically, ask yourself: Is my mental sanity, self-esteem, goals, dreams, love, and aspirations worth sacrificing for these superficial idealizations? Most likely not—in fact, definitely not.

You will die someday, do you want your life to revolve around unrequited love, or do you want it to be about actual, genuine, realized connections? The more you dwell on it, the more it becomes the former, and less the latter. Mental habits, especially patterns of thought, are incredibly difficult to rewire the longer we indulge in them. Good luck, Candle! Truly wish the best to you.

❤️

On 1/13/2025 at 11:01 PM, Atb210201 said:

The strongest mindset there is out there is having faith in God and His Absolute Wisdom in all the adversities He sends to you to make you stronger and wiser; And having faith that every adversity is for your own benefit not against you, and you grow from them; And because God is Absolute Goodness there is no evil in him and in what he does.

In the end all the adversities and challenges you go through are gonna pay off for you and are kept recorded somewhere in the universe and will be compensated for; Nothing will ever be lost; You're gonna be rewarded much more than you are able to think for the difficulties you go through.

Nobody can claim a stronger mindset than this which guarantees you your peace and strength in difficult times even if you cry all the way through it with this faith you're unshakable in the end everytime.

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Candle

[Candle]

Note 56. 

Limerence is a bitch. 

My name is Ranveer. I want only real and meaningful things in my life. No superficial or pointless things, that cause only wastage of mental resources. 

I feel empathy and kindness for all those who have suffered or are suffering from limerence, attachments, anxiety, etc. 

I have to solve this issue once and for all. I have to watch some videos on it. I have to focus on real life so much that there is no space for trivial online stuff. I know very well what I have to do now. It's super easy. I just need to focus on the right things. 

Attachment with an online person isn't the problem. "Attachment" in general is the problem. When I get attached to Instagram or YouTube, it creates the same type of problem. (fomo). 

Enough of mental mastur..tion now. Will do it later some day.....

So finally, 

Ranveer is back, with more power and motivation than ever. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Candle