Candle's Journal ❤️

[Candle]

Note 37. 

On 1/10/2025 at 9:29 PM, Candle said:

I don't know whether I'll survive my problems or not. 

Reasons To Survive : 

When I visualize these vividly, I feel excited.

I have to become one of the richest persons in the world. I have to do some giant projects. I have to be connected with the whole world. I have to meet 10,000+ great personalities. I want exposure. 

My ambitions :

[companies]

Web Browser. Software. AI. Robotics. 

Luxury automobiles. 

Perfumes. Beauty.

Biotech. Food. Pharma.

Health. Education. 

E-commerce. Movies production.

Social media platforms. 

Airlines. Hotels. Restaurants. Etc. 

Edited Monday at 03:42 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 38. 

When someone does something ridiculous, I make fun of them or have second hand embarassment. 

But when (sometimes) I myself do something ridiculous or shitty, it feels very ugly afterwards. 

Edited Sunday at 05:22 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 39. 

A great experience today. (insight). 

I have had this insight many times in the past, but I forgot it. I had this today again. 

My so-called father was shouting and spewing anger/hate at me. I suddenly disconnected my mind from the talks and focused on the fact that all of that was just a manifestation of his conditioning, and it wasn't meant for me. I need not take that personally. He was just expressing what was inside his mind. It was just his habit and it had nothing to do with me. 

No one can affect me with their words unless I allow them to do so. 

I was conscious and I don't have words to describe precisely what I felt. This is called wisdom. Suffering vanishes when we are conscious. 

 

Edited Monday at 11:18 AM by Candle

[Candle]

2 hours ago, Candle said:

just a manifestation of his conditioning, and it wasn't meant for me. I need not take that personally.

But sometimes (often times) I am unable to do so. I do take it personally. (unconsciousness). 

[Candle]

Note 40. 

Making things clear.

[current goals] 

✓ hardness**

✓ studying habit ; defeating adhd. 

✓ to do a job or a business. 

✓ to leave my toxic family. 

......

**hardness : 

I have realized I have become very dull, mediocre and sluggish, just bcz my mental resources haven't been used for a long time. When we do hard things, we become very sharp and proactive. So what I have to do : 

Studying PCM (obviously), managing my time well, reading books, learning spanish, watching my "watch later" videos on youtube, creating many habits, integrating many principles and rules into my life, etc. 

......

Bottom line : bring some real change in life, instead of just thinking or planning. 

Edited Monday at 03:05 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 41. 

An insight :

Why are we not able to change ourselves sometimes? Cz we are someone but we wanna be someone else. To bring a change, something very profound is needed. An identity level change is needed. (watch videos on it if you don't know about it, if you ask me, I'll share with you some good videos). 

Some aggression is needed to overcome the inertia. There's a lot of inertia (or ego backlash) the body-mind produces each time we try to change something. 

Half-assing, self-pitying, whining, etc. won't change anything. these are just distractions. 

Edited Monday at 11:16 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 42. 

Kindness. 

If someone is innocent, pure-hearted and suffering in life, have kindness and empathy for them.

If someone deserves love, give it to them. Boost their self-esteem by talking politely to them and appreciating them for their good qualities. (So that they would feel that they are deserving, and not dumb).

For example, if I had a child or a younger sibling, I would understand them, forgive them for their unintentional mistakes and failures, help them with their needs, and take good care of them.

Parents don't understand this, that's why I dislike (or hate) most of the parents. They lack beauty.

I remember my school days : at home, people used to degrade my self esteem; and in school, some teachers used to boost my self-esteem by respecting me and appreciating me for my qualities. I remember their names too : Sh....i ma'am, A..t sir, Sh..m sir , etc. (names hidden for privacy reasons). 

Edited Monday at 03:03 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 43. 

Things that are bothering me :

1. Loneliness.
2. I feel embarrassed bcz of some xyz mistake.
3. Mother nagging me and monitoring me from time to time. 
4. Panick due to some xyz challenge. 

 

Loneliness. 

It both kills me and is beautiful in some sense.

I feel upset that I'm not connected with people. I am lonely, especially when I have almost left the main discussion forums. I have been lonely most of my life. And this has made me both depressed and aggressive to work for my goals.

It bothers me a lot that I am a nobody. I wanna escape this dungeon and get connected with 10,000+ good people from all around the world.

I wanna be such an exceptional personality that I won't have to run after people or friends in the world. People will come to me automatically.

This is one of my deepest desires : I don't want to chase relationships. Rather, I want someone to fall in deep love with me. 

So I have to work today in silence. And face the loneliness, no matter how hard it is. Great things are built in loneliness and silence. (That's the beautiful part about loneliness).

Just that keep in mind not to lose your potential or time !! 

Another point : ya it feels good having friendly talks with people, but I can't be needy for it. It's totally against my self esteem and dignity. So I'm not whining or being needy here. I'm just expressing what I'm feeling right now.

.....

Insight 1 : If I'm busy working 24x7, I won't feel lonely at all.

Insight 2 : I'm not alone feeling this way.

Edited Monday at 02:54 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Edited Wednesday at 01:24 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 44. 

Leaving my toxic family and building a great life is non-negotiable for me. 

🖤 Being in a toxic family is shameful. 

🖤 Being average is killing me every moment. It's causing me low self esteem, insecurity and shame. 

Why? Bcz if I am average, I'm a nobody. Who admires me? What great things do I have to give to the world? What great experiences I'm having? 

This is haunting me. That I am not on my full potential. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:47 AM by Candle

[Candle]

 

Edited Wednesday at 01:25 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 45. 

Once I had failed to understand someone. But when I read their stories, I felt guilty. But then I also said to myself, "it's okay, cz I completely understand them now." 

I am feeling happy about it. (whenever I get some learning experience.) 

I have always seen myself as very understanding of others' feelings. So I feel surprised when sometimes, I forget my understanding. "Why on earth did I forget?"

 

Edited Tuesday at 11:49 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Edited Wednesday at 01:28 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 46. 

Hugging. 🫂 

5 hours ago, Candle said:

I have never hugged a "man" in my entire life. Let alone a woman. I am a bit socially awkward. (some people say it's autism, I don't know). Once I hesitated and became conscious during a hug (with a guy). I watch videos on youtube how people are hugging. (too ridiculous and embarassing, I know). 

Why? Bcz I have always been in solitude in my life. Bcz of my family circumstances (I don't want to make excuses, still...fact is the fact.) 

 

 

Edited Tuesday at 11:50 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 47. 

Neurotic behaviours. 

5 hours ago, Candle said:

If you have any tips, share with me. 

I have these problems that are frustrating me tremendously : 

1. Neurotic Perfectionism in trivial and petty things. Like while writing: font, font spacing, writing with pinpoint perfection (if something doesn't look quite good or perfect visually). 
2. Anxiety due to perfectionism, rumination, ADHD, panicking, social pressures, etc. 
3. Fidgeting 24x7 due to anxiety. Hyperactivity. Not being able to sit still at one place. (Constant urge to move legs, hands, etc. playing with pen, etc.) Restlessness. 
4. Thinking in a neurotic way. Fixating on one trivial thing (and anxiety due to it) till it's resolved in my mind. 
5. Constant self doubt and need for external validation. Sometimes (not always) I doubt whether I have written something wrong or imperfect. I constantly check neurotically if my journal is clean (perfect) or not. 

I fidget 24x7 with anxiety. 

❤️ I will see a good therapist in future. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:50 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 48. 

Mindset. 

Quote

Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to.

– Mitch Albom

https://blog.iqmatrix.com/price-of-success

Open this link. And read carefully. 

Edited Wednesday at 01:21 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Edited Wednesday at 01:21 AM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 49. 

My coping mechanism. 

Whenever there's a panicky or stressful situation, I start loving myself, doing self talk in a very soft and polite way (in my mind). As if someone is inside me, telling me something politely with love and smile.... who understands me.....who's kind..... who's solution oriented......

So I feel very good then. That's how I cope with such situations. The more stressful or overwhelming a situation is, the more I start loving myself. And the pleasure outweighs the pain. My self esteem gets boosted. I feel grounded in myself. 

Sometimes I also feel like crying, but someone inside me tells me, "it's okay, let it go, I understand you." 

This is sooo amazing !! ♥️

[Candle]

Note 50. 

 

Creativity brings profound joy, but most people barely tap into their potential, neglecting a vital part of their nature. Life is like an infinite sandbox where you can create anything. While nothing ultimately matters in a cosmic sense, what matters is how you live—your principles, awareness, and intention. Embracing life as a creative challenge is hard work, but it’s what gives life meaning.

Edited Wednesday at 01:37 PM by Candle

[Candle]

Note 51. 

I became emotional watching this video. Watched the full video. 

 

Explanation by chatgpt : (wow !!)

Quote

Here’s a breakdown of all the key points mentioned in it:

Self-Reflection and Criticism

1. The speaker is their harshest critic and has judged themselves more than anyone else ever could.
2. They have reflected deeply on their own decisions and actions.
3. They feel nervous and vulnerable sharing their story.

Trafficking Experience

1. The speaker was trafficked at 19 years old.
2. They didn’t choose this experience, and it caused significant pain.
3. Most men who interacted with them were unaware of the trafficking or the presence of a pimp behind the scenes.

Lessons from Men

1. They learned about men’s struggles, loneliness, and emotions.
2. Some men sought connection and comfort rather than physical satisfaction.
3. Others were addicted to the transactional aspect, treating them as part of a cycle.
4. Some men used their services because they were tired of the games in traditional dating.
5. A few men were grieving or seeking solace after personal losses.
6. Many men felt lonely, bitter, or unable to find meaningful relationships.
7. Some men sought control and power, not intimacy, over the speaker.
8. The speaker reflects on how society increasingly turns to artificial intimacy, like AI and virtual relationships, as a response to rejection and emotional pain.

Societal and Technological Concerns

1. AI girlfriends and virtual intimacy are becoming more prevalent, offering programmed affection.
2. These artificial solutions may feel comforting but lead to deeper loneliness.
3. The speaker fears a future where real intimacy is replaced by artificial alternatives.
4. They highlight that humans create these systems (AI, trafficking, pornography), perpetuating cycles of harm.
5. Society normalizes harming one another, contributing to relational destruction.

Personal Guilt and Regret

1. They feel shame for enabling married men to betray their spouses.
2. They attempted to understand and even counsel these men, but it caused deep guilt.
3. They express regret for not protecting themselves during their trafficking experience.
4. They feel a sense of betrayal towards themselves for allowing harmful situations to persist.

Emotional Impact

1. The speaker often experiences flashbacks and wishes they could protect their younger self.
2. They acknowledge feeling like both a victim and a villain in some situations.
3. The story has left them carrying emotional burdens, which they equate to holding bricks.

Broader Reflections on Humanity

1. Humans are often parasites to each other, draining and using one another.
2. Relationships are marked by betrayal, control, and trauma.
3. They observe that men and women alike perpetuate cycles of harm, such as ghosting or emotional manipulation.

Healing and Growth

1. Healing starts with self-awareness and nurturing one’s inner wounds.
2. Therapy and time have helped them process their trauma.
3. Building safe and meaningful relationships is essential for recovery.
4. Loving oneself and being one’s own best friend is crucial to healing.
5. They emphasize that pain can be transformed into purpose.
6. The speaker believes open conversations about these issues are necessary to break destructive cycles.

Final Reflection

1. The speaker hopes to understand why humans hurt each other and how to stop the cycle.
2. They conclude that blaming external factors (AI, trafficking, OnlyFans) ignores the root cause: human behavior.
3. The solution requires accountability and fostering genuine connection.
4. They admit they don’t have all the answers but want to use their experiences to inspire change.

 

Watch later : 

What sex trafficking looks like? (This was a very important video for me). 

Edited Wednesday at 01:41 PM by Candle