Candle's Journal ❤️

[Candle]

Note 19. 

What to do exactly? 

Set t=0. 

1. Prepare for xyz exam. To study not only for score but also for knowledge. It's my own ambition and I am incomplete without it. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself ever, if I couldn't complete it. After exams ➡️ 
2. Get into a college. And make money along with studying. Again, study for your own knowledge and ambition. Routine, personal development, hobbies, etc....do these things too. 
3. Save enough money and leave as soon as possible. Leave...college, home,  everything.. It's quite daunting and overwhelming, but you're capable. You can continue your education** later on. I know it's quite ugly and a messed up situation.... But eventually... everything will be sorted out. 

**I want knowledge in a subject and its degree for my own satisfaction.

......

After some 5-6 months, I have to go to college. Until then, I can't do anything to make money (situations are not favourable). Cz I can only sit confined at home and study for the next 5-6 months. 

Also, I need to save enough money before leaving my family. It'll take time. 

So I'll go to college, away from my family, and do something to make money. Without telling anyone about it. 

Edited January 10 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 20. 

I have ADHD. I used to be a good student at some point....But today I feel like I have mentally retarded or stunted or become very neurotic..... year by year, it has gotten worse. It’s okay, though. I understand why everything happened, so I don’t have any guilt. 

Things had unfolded in such a way that it happened. But I know there’s something great ahead, and I can’t connect the dots looking forward; I can only connect them looking backward. I will understand the point of all this later on.

But for that to happen, I will have to work too.

It’s been a lot of time since I have studied anything properly. 

For ADHD : 

1. Make to-do lists relentlessly.
2. Just do it. Push yourself through the friction. 

Figure out what works for you along the way...

Edited January 9 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 21. 

I welcome constructive criticisms or feedbacks from everyone. 

Cz I doubt myself and need external validation sometimes. 

💛 Also : I'm gonna journal about how I'm grappling with ADHD and mental health issues. 

💛 Sometimes I think who cares about these random notes. 

Edited January 9 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 22.

Remembrance : 

I miss some classroom scenes (from my school days), when some lectures were very calm or soothing, reality seemed very beautiful to me and being immersed in those scenes was hypnotic.

Nostalgia is painful. 

Edited January 9 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 23. 

I remembered few violence scenes I had witnessed in my home in past. And became desperate to do something. It was horrible. I hate my mom for tolerating all the brutalities and making my life hell. 

I had suicidal thoughts today. I don't know what's holding me back from returning to the state that existed before my birth. Death is peaceful. But I wanna live. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 24. 

Either I'll live with freedom and mental peace. 

Or I'll kill myself. 

I have 12 months to decide. 💛

Edited January 10 by Candle

[Candle]

On 1/6/2025 at 2:52 PM, Candle said:

was violated

was being violated.

(grammar correction). 

[Candle]

Note 25. 

Everyone wants to live with dignity, self esteem, respect and freedom. No one wants to live like a loser or under someone else's control or domination. It diminishes my self esteem and dignity. It's so embarassing to type it out. It's such a shame. Still I'm writing this. 

[Candle]

Note 26. 

I'll try to leave my family as soon as possible. If possible, I may do it next week or month. 

Edited January 10 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 27. 

 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

On 1/10/2025 at 1:27 PM, Candle said:

Note 27. 

So how did you cope with it? 

I saw some sweet and friendly members on the forum. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 28. 

A few hours ago : 

A sexual assault scene popped into my mind out of nowhere. I don't know why. It was quite disturbing for a while. Quite disturbing....

I haven't experienced or witnessed anything like this in my life. Still....

[Candle]

Note 29. 

Reminder :

Where have you lost ur maturity, kindness, and understanding now? Why on earth did you forget your understanding? 

Be a little conscious before doing sh't. Cz you don't want to lose your dignity in your own eyes, by hurting innocent humans. How bad does it feel to you afterwards when you make such mistakes? 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 30. 

Random thoughts at this moment : 

1. MInd amplifies small issues, unfortunately. 
2. Stop living in a bubble 💭. 
3. See things clearly without self deception. 
4. Get rid of biases. 
5. It's so hard to see your own bullshit. 
6. Both ups and downs are parts of life. Both highs and lows. At one moment, your mind feels so high.......and just 15 minutes later, it might feel so low..... it's surprising. 
7. But overall my mental health is pathetic (for many years). Seeing constant abuse and trauma has retarded my brain. I feel as if I have lost some mental abilities and my brain has become sluggish. 
8. Also, when you don't use an ability or a power (my brain, in this case), it diminishes. Similarity, when you don't do anything, your body doesn't manufacture energy. 
9. Reality has shocked me a lot with its coincidences and mysteries. Oh my goodness, how's that possible. Wow....But that's true. I'm feeling intimidated. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 31. 

I don't know whether I'll survive my problems or not. 

[Candle]

Note 32. 

I constantly weed out irrelevant or unnecessary posts. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 33. 

An inspiring story from "See You At The Top". Especially for those who are suicidal. This makes me crazy and gives me strength in suicidal situations. 

Quote : 

A famous painting shows the Devil across a chess board with a young man. The Devil has just made his move and the young man’s king appears to be checkmate. Total defeat and despair are registered on the young man’s face. One day the great chess genius, Paul Mercer, stood looking at that painting. He carefully studied the positions on the board and suddenly his face lighted up as he shouted to the young man in the painting, “Don’t give up, you still have a move.” You too will always have “one more move”. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 34. 

Quote

Cringe refers to a feeling of secondhand embarrassment or discomfort caused by something awkward, overly dramatic, or out of place. It’s often used to describe moments, actions, or content that try too hard to be cool, funny, or relatable but fail.

Examples:

A poorly delivered joke that falls flat.

Over-the-top behavior to get attention.

Watching someone boast about something trivial.

Source : ChatGPT. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 35. 

Fact is the fact. No one will read your long posts, unless someone is interested in it due to some xyz reason. 

If possible, cut many lines from your posts, summarize it, format it for readability, etc. In most of the cases, it's quite possible to remove lines. 

Edited January 11 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 36. 

Some good members :

1. trenton
2. Sugarcoat
3. Buck Edwards
4. Leeo_SA
5. soos_mite_ah
6. Xonas Pitfall
7. puporing
8. Nilsi
9. Preety_India
10. Hibahere
11. Thought Art
12. Evelyna
13. Husseinisdoingfine

Etc.

I'll go through their content when I get some time. 

Edited Sunday at 02:15 AM by Candle