Candle's Journal ❤️

[Candle]

4 minutes ago, Candle said:

Note 9. 

Reminder for myself. 

Another point I wanna add : 

When I committed a big mistake and failed miserably in life, everyone was criticizing me for the outcome, and no one....not a single person understood my background. No one understood the underlying causes. Only I knew what I felt. I knew I didn't deserve that. That criticism. I deserved empathy. 

So now I know what I have to do with my future child. No matter how big of a mistake they commit or how miserably they fail in life, if it's unintentional, I have to have some understanding and empathy. And calmness. 

No one makes mistakes intentionally. 

Edited January 7 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 10. 

My story.

I hate every moment when I'm with them : 

1. Abusive father 
2. Toxic narcissistic sister 

They've made my life hell since I was born. I don't have words to describe it but I'll do it in short. 

I don't want to write about it in mental health sub forum bcz I might receive a few insensitive comments, which I don't want at all. I don't need any sympathy afterall. I even dislike ...if someone shows sympathy or gives advices (that come from a place of lack of understanding)....or sees me as a victim. (except few cases) I don't want to whine or look like a victim. 

🖤

These days : I'm living with my father only (for few days only). He constantly shouts on me, takes sadistic pleasure in mentally abusing me. Controls me as if I'm his servant. Annoys me. Criticizes all the other family members. Hates me. Keeps watching me from time to time (to see whether I'm doing something against him or contemplating suicide). 

Tries to diminish my self worth by saying .........you are this, you are that, you are an idiot, you are a nobody.......but still I have my self worth intact. 

It's pure torture. 

🖤

Why I don't resist his torture? Cz I'm programmed since childhood to be quiet. To bottle up all the emotions. To be afraid. To maintain my survival. 

🖤

I had forgotten my past, but he made me remember that again, which is good, cz I now realise once again .... that how badly I need to be free. 

Freedom is a non-negotiable, fundamental human right and need. Freedom from both outer and inner demons (inner ones are distractions, procrastination, laziness, depression, neurosis, etc.) Why are you alive if you are not free (or if you're not trying to be free) ? 

🖤

He used to be very violent with my mom (and sometimes my sisters too). And I dislike my mom that she tolerated everything... Even the worst and the most brutal ones. She has also contributed to my suffering. So she will also have to pay a big price. Now, violence is mental (not physical, cz he's afraid to go to the prison). 

I don't want to write the specific events. I just have to imagine those scenes whenever I need to be angry about my situations. 

Sometimes when I remember those events, I start thinking, "why on earth I had forgotten the gross injustice done to me?"

🖤 

I don't want to write about my toxic sister right now. She behaves with me and my mom very rudely. Depresses me. Doesn't care about others. Narcissist. So many things I have.... but I don't feel like writing about her. 

🖤

I get very suicidal from time to time. A few times I came very close to killing myself. 

I will never forgive anyone in my family. I didn't deserve this. 

I have no family and no friends at all. I am all alone. And I'm fine. The only person I love is "myself". 

I won't forget the extreme injustice done to me. And I have to escape this prison. I have to turn around my life (and of others too...in future ....who are stuck in the sewer of life.) 

I want a completely new and fresh life. 

Edited January 7 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 11.

I am not very comfortable sharing my private stuff here. It's very personal and private to me, which I don't want to share with random anonymous people. But I had to journal about it. So no worries !! 

It doesn't feel quite good, cz it's an ugly part of my life, which I'm a little embarrassed to talk about. But it's okay. 

I wish I had only good and beautiful things to write in my journal. Only useful things. Valuable things. Etc. I wanna give it a professional look. And include some sweet things. Fun and light things too. 

Edited January 7 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 12.

What wrong did I do to anyone? I was born innocent, full of pure love. I remember a scene, when I was a very small kid, I was with my father, he was behaving well, he was happy, everything was good, he took me to the shop outside........ but as I grew older, I got hate and depression. 

What did you got torturing others? Peace? Satisfaction? Good health? Happiness? Love? Nothing !! Everyone hates you and no one will be there with you during your final moments. 

Edited January 7 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 13. 

A very ridiculous thing happened in a sub forum. People were debating with me on this topic : 

A parent must get some parenting license or certificate before giving birth to a baby. Why? Bcz you can't play with someone's life. It's not your personal matter, it's a matter of the whole humanity. 

If your child becomes a criminal by mistake, they could kill or rape innocent people and become a menace to the whole world. Who will take the responsibility?

People say they have created a human being. My foot !! You don't create a human being ever, you are just a vehicle through which a baby is born. A baby is an independent human being (with some human rights) after delivery. It's not your property. You are not the creator. The baby has created itself. 

I have seen parents raising their children in a very immature and foolish way. And then crying over spilled milk, when something horrible happens. 

And those people were debating with me. Wow!!! Don't think about anything. Just produce produce produce !!!!! 

You can't drive your car without a driving licence (to avoid accidents). But you can raise a child without a parenting license. What a joke !! 

I know it's debatable. But it's important if humans have to grow collectively. 

I hate idiot parents and idiot teachers. And I respect great ones a lot. 

💜❤️ Note : you are allowed to comment in my journals, just keep in mind to keep it clean and it should NOT be trashy. ❤️💜

Edited January 7 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 14. 

Sometimes I forget the depressing and traumatic events that happened with me. 

Why on earth do I forget that gross injustice and torture that happened with me? I need to be angry so that I take some very big steps against my problems. So that I behave aggressively in life. 

What's more horrible than this.... that you forget and your anger fades away? 

For now, just focus on escaping and building your life. Later in life, if you feel like it, then you might take a bad revenge. 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 15. 

An insight on relationships. 

I see those who run after relationships as animals. (chasing animalistic pleasures). 

Sometimes I'm also guilty of this. 

But I am a little conscious right now. 

I don't want to chase anybody. I don't feel like doing it at all. 

I think I should approach 2000 girls just for understanding their psychology and nothing else. I mean, "understanding" is primary, and everything else is secondary. 

I should be single and work only on myself and my projects. But when some pure hearted soul comes to me and proposes me, I wouldn't break their heart. I'd embrace them wholeheartedly. 

I'm not a very big fan of relationships bcz of some points : 

• Single "me" is dangerous. There's a beauty in being single. You only have your projects to focus on.
• If you are single, you don't have to worry about their needs, safety or security. You can fight against anyone freely, if you have nothing to lose. 
• You don't have to worry about them judging your actions. You are not answerable to anyone. You don't have to explain things to anyone but yourself. 
• Lack of freedom and time in a relationship.
• A lot of complexities in a relationship. 

Obviously it has many advantages too. I can be a fan of it, but not a very big fan.

I think pros outweigh the cons, if it's a very meaningful relationship. 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 16. 

I saw myself being too much of a perfectionist (focusing on trivial details, like font, spacing, emojis, grammar, word choice, etc.). Now enough is enough. 

Now I have decided to f.ck grammar, if it's understandable. And sometimes do something imperfect deliberately. Yes do it !!!! 

Cz life is imperfect. 

Life can't be perfect. Relationships can't be perfect. Health can't be perfect. Nothing is perfect. And of course, journal can't be perfect. 

So let them be imperfect. When you move on, they don't bother you. They only bother you when you fixate on them. 

Quote

ChatGPT 

I have neurotic perfectionism but for seemingly trivial and petty things. 

1. Hyper-Focus on Minor Details: Individuals may spend an inordinate amount of time and energy perfecting small tasks—such as formatting a document, organizing a workspace, or choosing the right words in casual communication—resulting in inefficiency and frustration. 
2. Overanalysis of Minor Mistakes: A single mistake in a minor task (like a typo in a text or a misarranged item) can trigger excessive worry or self-criticism, causing the person to ruminate over the perceived failure. 
3. Fear of Judgment: The individual may believe that others are closely watching and judging their every action, leading to anxiety about how trivial details will be perceived, even when those details are largely inconsequential. 
4. Avoidance of Low-Stakes Situations: To prevent potential mistakes or imperfections, individuals may avoid engaging in trivial activities altogether, such as socializing in casual settings or participating in low-pressure events. 
5. Impact on Relationships: Neurotic perfectionism regarding petty things can strain relationships, as individuals may impose their high standards on others or express frustration over small errors made by friends or family. 
6. Dissatisfaction and Burnout: The relentless pursuit of perfection in trivial matters can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, as these individuals often fail to recognize that perfection is unattainable and that imperfection is a natural part of life. 

Addressing this form of perfectionism often requires challenging the belief that trivial details hold significant weight and recognizing the value of flexibility and imperfection in everyday life. Mindfulness......

 

[Candle]

Fave pics : 

 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

On 1/1/2025 at 0:00 PM, Candle said:

Short notes from my mind. 

Are these short notes that you've written? They are so long !!! No one's gonna read them !!! 

[Candle]

1 minute ago, Candle said:

Are these short notes that you've written? They are so long !!! No one's gonna read them !!! 

Ya I know... but sometimes long notes are needed !!!! 😄

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

On 1/7/2025 at 11:50 AM, Candle said:

I get very suicidal from time to time. 

Do not kill yourself. 

Somehow get through it. Somehow !! It's a matter of some 6-12 months. Then everything will be okay. 

You'll appreciate this life a lot, later on. 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

Commitment 3. 

A big decision : 

Not to be limited. Not to be average. Not to whine, regret or struggle like normal everyday people. 

To change everything about myself. To be sharp. To be meticulous. To take back full control of my life in my own hands. 

To harness the extreme intelligence inside this brain (you know what it is, still you forget it !!) 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

7 hours ago, Candle said:

average 

What are their habits? 

1. Whining about motivation, distractions, discipline, and shit.
2. Making commitments and breaking them. 
3. Distracting from the main problems. And indulging in philosophy, politics, mental mstrbtn, debates, comedy, etc. 
4. Dreaming and not doing anything about it. 
5. Half-assing. 

Edited January 9 by Candle

[Candle]

12 minutes ago, Candle said:

To change everything about myself.

How? What you're gonna do? 

[Candle]

Just now, Candle said:

How? What you're gonna do? 

Look, change won't happen overnight. I might have to deal with a lot of failures in the beginning. 

But I know what I have to do. 

1. Keeping all the small and big commitments. (I mean...once I write sth or say sth that I'll do, it's gonna happen no matter what.)
2. Setting clear priorities. Unwavering commitment to purpose. 
3. Education. Personal Dev. Routine. Hobbies. Books. Knowledge. Etc. 
4. Business or making money. Along with studies and other things. 
5. Escaping the toxic family. With meticulous planning. No room for silly mistakes. 
6. Designing a great life. 

[Candle]

Note 17. 

Whenever you react you do a lot of bs. Only to regret later. But it's okay, you're gradually improving as you get more and more experiences. 

[Candle]

9 hours ago, Candle said:

Education. Personal Dev. Routine. Hobbies. Books. Knowledge. Etc.  

Consume a hell lot of knowledge. RELENTLESSLY !! 

 

Edited January 9 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 18. 

[Candle]

Current mood. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0eUgjybPwlo&t=25

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LAyZUZkiAI0

Edited January 9 by Candle