Candle's Journal ❤️

[Candle]

Short notes from my mind. 

[Candle]

Note 1. 

When motivation hits, I can’t help but question why I allowed myself to lose it for so long. However, motivation is temporary, and life is a mix of highs and lows that we must embrace. Instead of relying on motivation, build unshakable commitments that drive you to act, no matter how tough things get. 

[Candle]

Commitment 1. 

I will limit my time on the forum.

Making hard rules isn't necessary. Just shift your focus. Focus on what matters. Distractions will be automatically removed. 

Many great things are there on the forum. But sometimes you have to sacrifice something important for something even more important. 

The greater you want to become, the more you will have to sacrifice. 

Edited January 1 by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

Are you impulsive in your decision making or something? I notice that you constantly try to make changes, some sort of change, as though you're in a hurry. Is there something that intensely bothers you or doesn't align with what you want? 

Just curious. 

[Candle]

@Buck Edwards thanks for writing. I was just thinking about writing something to you. That you change your profile pic again and again. And "why don't you ask Leo to change your name to Sara, Buck E is a male name." 

I also have tendency to do the same. It's not a problem. Some may call it autism. But it's not necessarily true. It's neuroscience. No need to complicate it. 

This is Perfectionism. When I get bored of something (some wallpaper or dp) I change it. I want "just perfect". 

But when I get a perfect thing, I leave it. For example, I am not gonna change my dp again cz it's perfect. 

This is neurosis, which is quite common. Just that everyone has different set of neurotic behaviours. 

I understand you. Cz I can relate to you. 

[Candle]

@Buck Edwards why are you active 24x7. You once said to me it's a "toxic" distraction. 

When I realised it's becoming addictive, I decided to limit it. Cz I can't tolerate any stupid or immature behaviour in me. Doesn't suit me. 

I'm not addicted to any social media. I don't see Instagram or YouTube unless needed. (exceptions are there). I'm not even aware that Instagram is on my phone. 

Edited January 1 by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

2 minutes ago, Candle said:

@Buck Edwards thanks for writing. I was just thinking about writing something to you. That you change your profile pic again and again. And "why don't you ask Leo to change your name to Sara, Buck E is a male name." 

I also have tendency to do the same. It's not a problem. Some may call it autism. But it's not necessarily true. It's neuroscience. No need to complicate it. 

This is Perfectionism. When I get bored of something (some wallpaper or dp) I change it. I want "just perfect". 

But when I get a perfect thing, I leave it. For example, I am not gonna change my dp again cz it's perfect. 

This is neurosis, which is quite common. Just that everyone has different set of neurotic behaviours. 

I understand you. Cz I can relate to you. 

I relate to this too. Thanks for replying. It was quite thoughtful. 

[Buck Edwards]

10 minutes ago, Candle said:

@Buck Edwards why are you active 24x7. You once said to me it's a "toxic" distraction. 

Yea it is. Because I had some free time off work due to Christmas. Usually I'm just busy Journaling. The active status appears because I don't log out at all and just leave the device as it is so it shows me active. I used to use the forum much less a couple of months ago, it distracted me from meditation. Now I felt a bit of surge to use it a bit again. 

But that's my impulsivity and some degree of neurosis like you said. That's why I asked the question in the personal development section as to what to do about it. Because I chase perfection like crazy. It is some kind of OCD in me. 

Nevertheless I need to control my own neurotic habit. The forum has good and bad. Sometimes it sucks you in especially long debates. Some debates are good because they help me to grow intellectually like I get to know someone's perspective so that helps me add something to my own knowledge, other times it can be a waste of time really. 

I'm planning to leave the forum at some point. I mean at some point it won't be necessary. 

 

Edited January 1 by Buck Edwards

[Candle]

 

https://youtu.be/AlB6OklejyA?feature=shared

https://youtu.be/JhV9f1l3H1A?feature=shared

These videos have amazing solutions for all neurotic behaviours, ocd, etc. 

...

I like this neurodiversity perspective : 

Quote

The neurodiversity perspective views autism as a natural variation of human cognition and behavior rather than a disorder or illness. It emphasizes that people with autism are not inherently "broken" or in need of "fixing," but instead have unique ways of thinking, processing information, and interacting with the world. From this viewpoint, autism is just one part of the diverse spectrum of human neurological experiences.

Advocates of the neurodiversity movement argue that society should focus on acceptance, inclusion, and creating environments that accommodate different ways of thinking, rather than trying to "normalize" or change autistic individuals. 

- ChatGPT. 

...

On 1/1/2025 at 2:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Because I chase perfection like crazy.

Me too. It's my clear goal to get rid of this. 

ADHD, hyperactivity, fidgeting, rumination etc. are my problems. 

ADHD is very common, seems like almost everybody has some of it. 

Edited January 2 by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

24 minutes ago, Candle said:

Me too. It's my clear goal to get rid of this. 

ADHD, hyperactivity, fidgeting, rumination etc. are my problems. 

ADHD is very common, seems like almost everybody has some of it. 

Yea this is true. 

[Candle]

Note 2. 

Attraction concepts. 

Based on my personal experiences only. Might not be true for everyone.

Why it happens? 

1. Not just looks. Good looks are nice. But it isn't enough for attraction. It just looks good. If there is beauty with low wisdom or bad character or low integrity, then looks don't make any difference. And in that case, I don't even want to see them.
2. A face tells us a lot about a person. I don't understand all the thousands of details a face tells (I wish I had physiognomy knowledge), but still I understand a lot about that person, by just seeing their face. Like "how they'd behave?", "how empathetic they are", "what type of person they are" etc. If the face says something that appeals to me, attraction happens. (Even if they are not very good looking). 
3. Some admirable quality, character or talent. 
4. Polite or empathetic nature.
5. Mutual suffering. If they are in pain.
6. Overthinking is the devil. Attraction increases when you focus on them (think about them) and decreases when you are not aware about their existence in the world. So whatever you focus on, grows.
7. Feminine energy obviously. 

 

➕➕

How do you feel about it?

• If it's one-sided :

It's unwanted. There's a conflict between mind and body. On one hand, it feels good. On the other hand, I wish I had no such biology that causes attraction. It would give me so much freedom (I crave freedom.).

Also, if I had no such biology, then I would not be able to experience intimacy and other good things. Then I would be jealous of other people.

So it's difficult to say whether it's a boon or a bane.

It bothers me bcz it restricts my freedom. It takes away my most precious mental space and time. If suddenly you lose control from your mind, it will shock you.

 

• If it's from both sides :

Then that would be cool I think. I don't have experience. 

Another good point : if attraction happens, I don't want to fantasize anything about them in a sexual way. I just want their heart.

 

➕➕

What to do?

Don't try to remove focus from something. Instead shift your focus. Ground yourself in yourself. Know that you're perfect and complete already and no one is needed to complete you.

See other people and things that are interesting. See movies. Make friends if possible (right now it's not possible for me, cz I'm confined). See anything that's interesting. Attraction happens because of fomo, loneliness and overthinking.

Example : as I started using this forum, I got completely detached from Instagram.

Experience : I remember once I had got so attached to someone. Not bcz it was necessary, but bcz I did a lot of overthinking and amplified it. 

Then how many months it took me to move on? 12+ months. (First phase was denial mode, as usual. How fool I was? I thought I would reunite with them someday.) But today, see what's the situation : I don't care at all !! Who on earth she was? 

So sometimes painful lessons are great. They are blessings in disguise. 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 3. 

Sometimes, when I see someone having problems very similar to mine and highly relatable to me, I strongly feel like helping them and discussing with them. Especially if I have discovered some techniques or tools. 

Why? 

Because unity is strength, problem-solving becomes so much easier when done together. 

But what happens is that.....some people welcome it, others don't. And that's okay. 

May God give them the strength and abilities they deserve. ❤️ 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 4. 

Stop being a people pleaser. If it's not possible to completely get rid of it, at least minimize it as much as you can. 

An amazing video on this, wow :

 

[Candle]

Note 5. 

Some random thoughts : 

1. I don't know why I get so triggered by sexual abuse/assault survivors, even though I haven't experienced it myself. Maybe it's because I put myself in their shoes too much. I imagine how it would feel if someone did that to me. And I get desperate. I don't know what to do. How to help them. 

2. Sometimes when I hurt someone unintentionally, it feels bad. I quickly forget and move on. But a tiny scar or guilt remains for lifetime (whenever that incident pops up in my mind.). This has happened few times (both online and in real life). I journal about it for some closure. 

3. I don't trust anyone (man or woman) bcz I would never want anyone to outsmart me. 

Why I don't trust anyone, bcz I have seen extremely smart people and honey trap stories. 

And I am okay with it, cz if they are genuine and show exactly what they are from inside, I would know it. 

And if they are not, no matter how smart they are, I'll detect it using my intelligence. By detecting subtle behaviours, expressions, feelings, etc. And 99.9999% people are not that smart, that they'll outsmart me. 

(Of course, no one is perfect and some tiny red flags would be there even in ideal cases, cz everyone has some bad/dark side too, no matter how great they are). 

Quote

Honey traps, a covert technique used in intelligence operations, where someone uses romance, attraction, or a fake relationship to trick or manipulate another person. It's often used to get information, money, or to set someone up in a compromising situation. 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 6. 

Doubt solving : 

Why I am so much interested in understanding female psychology? 

Because as I discover things about them.... it intrigues me, surprises me, confuses me, and overwhelms me. 

Definition of intrigue : 

Quote

to arouse the curiosity or interest of by unusual, new, or otherwise fascinating or compelling qualities; appeal strongly to; captivate. 

 

❤️❤️ 

I strongly wanna know things like these : 

1. Why they behave this way?
2. Why that way?
3. How do they feel? Do they feel the same way as men do? 
4. Do they also avoid crying? Do they also feel bad while crying and seeing themselves in the mirror? ^^ 
5. Do they also detect vibes from a person....in the same way as I do? How exactly? 
6. Do they also get attracted to the opposite sex....as much as men do? What are the things they are attracted to? And how does it feel like? What do they like in men? 
7. How do they feel when someone cusses? 
8. Do they also masturbate? Do they also get horny? 
9. And many more doubts ....

 

❤️❤️ 

Bcz they are humans too... but they have a very different psychology and biology. And I don't wanna be unaware and ignorant about any type of human being. 

It's like......when some foreigners do some xyz thing that's relatable to me (that is also in my culture), I'm surprised, "they also do this thing !!!" And I'm curious to know everything about them. How they live? What they eat? What they wear? Etc. 

Females should not look like alien beings to me. And gender gap must be almost zero (at least for me). That's why I have to approach 1000 girls and spend time with them. I have to be FULLY comfortable with being with even the hottest woman in the world. 

It's so unfortunate that in schools....since childhood..... teachers separate boys and girls. There's a lack of co-education. Even if it's called a co-ed school. So there's a big lack of understanding between males and females. (at least in India, don't know about other countries). 

It upsets me to see this gender gap and..... men and women fighting with each other. 

 

❤️❤️ 

When I see a woman (on Quora, Insta...) talking about crush, sex, horniness or masturbation, it's a bit unusual for me. I'm surprised, "they also !!". Cz mostly I have seen men talking about these stigmatized topics. So if I see something rarely, it's unusual. 

I wish men and women both talked about sex comfortably. I wish it were not unusual for me. I mean ZERO social stigma. 

 

❤️❤️

I sometimes feel bad.....girls seem so inaccessible. I haven't seen the world. I'm lonely since childhood. I couldn't make male friends in college....let alone female friends. (I dropped out of college due to many problems...) 

 

❤️❤️

But the thing is....no matter how deep your knowledge is, it will always have some limitation, unless you actually experience life as a female. 

It's an uncomfortable truth that I don't know about my opposite sex. 

 

❤️❤️

^^ I feel bad cz I don't wanna look like a victim. And tears don't suit my face. When I'm crying and see myself in the mirror, I instantly stop crying cz it looks very ugly. 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 7. 

Random thoughts. 

1. I wanna create a new life for myself. I mean, I wanna turn around my life completely. Plus, I wanna help others turn around their lives. I can't see any human being stuck in the sewer of life. 

 

2. Real greatness is when you can save someone's life putting your own life in danger. Or even losing your own life. 

I remember an incident in which a girl was violated publicly on the streets, in the most horrible ways. People saw her and not a single person came to help her. Instead, some people were filming the incident. 

I can't do this. I can't....I will lose my life, no matter how precious it is...but I'll fight for someone if I see them being violated and crying helplessly. 

Otherwise I won't be able to forgive myself for my lifetime. 

 

3. Wow. Wow. Great post. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/DCHc2wtu2jv/?igsh=NTZyNzJjZ3RxM25z

Quote

TW: s*xual as*ault

In was 2009, I was 20 years old. I can vividly recall stumbling into the front door: screaming, crying, a blo* died mess. I immediately woke my best friend who was asleep on the couch, telling her what had just happened...

 

I had just been brutally beaten and as*aulted by a stranger who helped me change my flat tire. Although words and explanation weren't necessary, although I would soon learn I had been so severely beaten that I had a dislocated jaw, amongst other injuries... the physical wounds and words wouldn't be enough. My best friends response in that moment would provide the knockout punch, as she uttered the words... 

 

"Go to bed, sleep it off, we'll talk in the morning." So I made my way upstairs and crawled into my bed, desperately attempting to cry myself asleep. Next, my roommate from across the hall heard me. She came into my room, and she stood in my doorway. Without saying a word, without asking, who, what, where, how did this happen...

 

She walked over to my bed, scooped me up, physically carried me down the stairs, placed me in the front seat of her car, drove me to the hospital, and called my parents on the way. Looking back now, 16 years later, had it not been for her empathetic response in that moment...I don't know that I ever would've reported what had happened to me, or if I truthfully be here today. 

 

That roommate would continue to show up in my healing and in my recovery for years to come. For the two years following my as*ault, she went to every court appearance, even sitting through a two day trial-where she stood next to me as I came face-to-face, with my perpetrator for the first time..

 

I share this part of my story to illustrate that the power that we hold as individuals is profound. And that often, following a traumatic experience, an even deeper and invisible wound of lacking an empathetic witness is inflicted upon survivors. As a trauma and somatic practitioner, I see it everyday with my clients: the aftermath of trauma can sometimes cut deeper than the original event itself.

 

For those of us who lacked an empathetic witness, who lacked a supportive figure to walk with us in our pain and in our recovery... please know that there are so many individuals who value you, who see you, who hear you, and who want to support you.

 

This is a stark reminder that although trauma can be described as anything that feels like too much, too fast, or too soon... It can also be experienced by receiving too little or not enough of something. Too little empathy, too little support, too little validation, too little compassion, and more.

 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 8. 

Random thoughts. 

1. Whenever we go through some articles/posts/videos and see some cool words/phrases/idioms, it's automatically added to our daily use vocabulary. And we also use the same in our writings and speeches. 

 

2. Learn statement analysis and intelligence to extract 1000 pieces of information from a text, which are not visible to an ordinary mind. Know things that someone doesn't even reveal. That would be bad'ss. [💜 Reminder !!] Must do it. 

We reveal much more than we realise. Wow. Great. 

 

3. If I had to pick one inspirational video of the year 2024. That would be this :

It made me cry. It made me smile in the end. It gave me hope that I can come out of my "sewer" too. 

She lost her brother, had severe alcohol poisoning, se'ually a'sau'ted, had anorexia, had been in a pathetic state.....etc. 

Edited January 6 by Candle

[Candle]

On 1/1/2025 at 1:16 PM, Candle said:

Commitment 1. 

I will limit my time on the forum.

Making hard rules isn't necessary. Just shift your focus. Focus on what matters. Distractions will be automatically removed. 

Clarification : 

I will use main discussion sub-forums only when needed. No unnecessary debates. 💛💛

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

Commitment 2. 

I will escape from my toxic family. 100% clear to me. 

Edited January 8 by Candle

[Candle]

Note 9. 

Reminder for myself. 

If someone behaves in an abnormal way, instead of self-doubting or judging them or feeling uncomfortable, think about "what might have caused this?" I mean take a look on their background, instead of focusing on the behaviour. 

Let's say, someone is angry or reacting, instead of feeling bad, can you consider what might have happened to them to cause it? Maybe they are a sweet person, just that they have some bad mood or mood swings. It's very normal. 

At the very least, try to do this. 

If someone is being a narcissist and toxic, then that's a different matter. 

Let's say if someone is panicking too much and crying unnecessarily, instead of judging them, just take a look at their background and treat them with empathy. This is called maturity. 

Let's consider school shootings in USA, do focus on the outcome, but also take a look at the background of the shooter. 

They might have a bad experience in past. 

Edited January 7 by Candle