Sexuality (Desire) and the Ego Mind

[Xonas Pitfall]

Relationship #1:

Simon is in a relationship with Ally. They genuinely care about each other and make a good team, but their sexual connection has never been fulfilling. Simon feels like Ally is never fully present - embodied and emotionally connected during sex. Ally, on the other hand, feels that Simon lacks initiative and dominance. This dynamic leads to consistent dissatisfaction, especially on an emotional level, whenever they engage in sex.

To understand their struggles, let’s look at their childhoods, where the foundation of their sexualities was formed.

Simon grew up with a mentally ill mother who lived in her own reality. Despite being in a safe society where basic needs were met, Simon felt deeply lonely. This loneliness created a strong desire to merge with someone on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. One day, he stumbled across a medical image of a penis inside a vagina in a textbook, which captivated and aroused him. Unconsciously, this image held the promise of connection and merging with another person. Simon’s budding sexuality evolved from there.

As an adult, Simon desires a deep, telepathic connection with his partner. He enjoys prolonged physical closeness, eye contact, and simultaneous orgasms. He dislikes talking during sex, as it makes him feel separate. This desire for merging extends into other parts of his life. Simon adores privacy and exclusivity, which make his connection with a partner feel more special. He struggles with communication because it feels like a barrier to true unity. He wants to make decisions together and share responsibilities, as this enhances his sense of togetherness.

Ally’s childhood was very different but also lonely. Her father was disengaged and failed to protect her from her mother, who disliked her. Unlike Simon, she grew up in an unsafe environment where even basic needs were a struggle. This created a strong desire for care and containment. One day, while watching TV, she became enamored with the relationship between a dinosaur and its owner. Unconsciously, this relationship symbolized positive ownership and care - the kind her parents never provided. Ally’s budding sexuality evolved from this imagery.

In adulthood, Ally enjoys power dynamics in sex, fantasizing about being a cherished pet or an animal being bred without choice. She desires to surrender completely, letting her partner take the lead and responsibility. Signs of ownership arouse her, even if they come from men she is not in a relationship with. She dislikes anything during sex that reminds her of herself.

This sexuality manifests in other areas of Ally’s life. She isn’t naturally exclusive and prefers to have many people in her life to avoid ever fending for herself. She surrounds herself with others, is flirtatious, and spends hours talking to connect with people. She invests heavily in her appearance to increase her chances of being wanted and cared for. Ally commits to sexual monogamy only because it’s often a condition for men to take responsibility for her. She stops driving her car once in a relationship because autonomy feels like self-reliance, which she avoids. Her most fulfilling relationship is with her personal assistant, who consistently meets her needs.

These differences create a fundamental incompatibility between Simon and Ally. Simon feels insecure, longing for closeness and merging, but struggles with Ally’s need for multiple connections. He feels in competition with others in her life. Ally feels overwhelmed by Simon’s need to handle responsibilities together and isolated by his desire for exclusivity. On a subconscious level, their sexualities pull in opposite directions.

No amount of practical counseling about their sex life can resolve the deeper issue - their sexual incompatibility. At best, they can take turns accommodating each other, but this often leads to compromise rather than true harmony.

Relationship #2:

Another example is Nick and Tanner, who initially believed they were sexually compatible but have grown increasingly dissatisfied. Nick feels frustrated and angry, often wanting to take it out on Tanner during intercourse, leaving him guilty and withdrawn afterward. Tanner feels constrained, spending too much time conforming to Nick’s needs to keep the relationship secure.

Nick’s childhood shaped his sexuality in a unique way. He grew up with a terminally ill sister, and the family’s attention revolved around her. Nick was never considered important enough to receive focus or support. As an adult, Nick feels a strong need for sex every day, as it ensures he becomes the center of attention. During sex, Nick prefers to dominate and make everything about his own pleasure. He enjoys directing his partner and feeling in control, as this satisfies his repressed need for importance.

Tanner, on the other hand, has a very different sexual nature. Growing up, he was unable to express himself due to strict parental and societal expectations. This suppression of his authenticity led to a deep desire for freedom and experimentation. Tanner’s true sexuality revolves around trying new things, from bondage and Tantra to swinging and group sex. His list of desires is endless, reflecting his curiosity and zest for life.

Conflict arises when Tanner presses Nick to try swinging. Nick, who needs to feel like the sole focus of Tanner’s attention, is triggered by Tanner’s desire to involve others. Nick feels threatened and angry, while Tanner feels limited and stifled by Nick’s needs. Tanner longs for a partner who will explore life’s wonders with him, while Nick desires a partner who prioritizes him above all else.

These examples show how early life experiences shape not only sexuality but also deeper desires for life and relationships. Sexuality extends far beyond the bedroom, influencing many aspects of life. To truly understand one’s sexuality, people must explore what arouses them and, most importantly, why.

For example, someone who enjoys taboo experiences like piss play might uncover deeper emotional layers beneath their arousal. They may feel empowered by defying societal norms, intrigued by the idea of capturing another’s essence, or relieved by exposing vulnerability and shame.

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I absolutely loved this video -- especially the format.

Starting from the fundamental incompatibility and difficulties in relationships, unmet needs often trace back to childhood, where deep-rooted desires were formed. These desires are shaped by experiences where we first felt love, or perhaps where we realized the way we want to be desired and loved. It’s about understanding how we desire others, how we want to be loved, and how we unconsciously or semi-consciously seek these feelings in our everyday lives.

Does anyone have resources that delve deeper into how childhood experiences shape ego desires and ultimately influence sexual fantasies?

What’s your experience with this? I’d love to start a thread where people share what they find most desirable and the positions - both figuratively and physically, teehee - they enjoy being in. What needs do you feel like you’ve been neglecting, and how do you navigate that in your life and relationships? It’d be great to hear others' experiences and perspectives on how unmet needs or childhood experiences manifest in their adult relationships. What do you see yourself longing for?

[Buck Edwards]

I like bdsm type of relationships. Probably it's connected with my childhood trauma, I really don't know. But I like the interplay of submission of dominance in relationships. 

[Xonas Pitfall]

@Buck Edwards

1 minute ago, Buck Edwards said:

I like bdsm type of relationships. Probably it's connected with my childhood trauma, I really don't know. But I like the interplay of submission of dominance in relationships. 

Could you maybe share what you specifically enjoy about it, if you're willing to answer? Thank you!