My feelings journal 2025

[Buck Edwards]

Embodiment. 

 

There has been some anxiety since some days.. I fail to connect myself on a deeper level. I don't know if positive affirmations will help. My sister has returned from her vacation. I don't feel so stable. I still feel a bit scatter brained because of my autism. My family stopped my therapy since a month now. I feel depressed because of that. I was actually doing better on therapy. I could have gained something from it. Now it feels cruel. I barely had 2 sessions with my therapist Chris. He was helping me understand my feelings and situations better. But now I feel helpless. I can't argue with my family why they decided to stop therapy. 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Just a few days to go and it will be a new year and I am going to feel not so great for some reason. I have to be hopeful despite the ups and downs. 

Tomorrow is going to be an anxious day for me. Lot of things to be compressed within one day. I am not sure whether I'll be able to do that. Day after tomorrow is 31st December. All the anxieties will flood back.. I did not achieve any goals in 2024 other than some dissolution of my trauma. The first four months from January to April were extremely anxious because I suffered deep financial issues which got resolved eventually. But these issues caused me a lot of anxiety which I processed over the months later. 

Whenever some work comes up, I get stressed out and anxious. 

The therapy was really helping me. I felt better when the therapist was trying to dismantle my inner turmoil. 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I don't wish to burden my husband with anything. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

One thing that's hurting me is that despite everything I could not achieve my goals. 

I got distracted by my family issues. 

I also did not make a solid plan on what should have been done. My emotions as usual were all over the place. 

I still hope that 2025 will be a great year for me and my problems will be at least partially resolved. 

Also my addictions. Something I need to control as much as possible. 

 

I stopped my zumba class too. So feeling down because of that. 

I used my addiction as a cope against my destructive emotions. 

I did not make much progress. I had started with the thought that I would make great progress and this was somewhere in September and when I joined the forum. But I failed fantastically. 

 

It's because of I did not have any discipline. It was disappointing. Parts of the year were good like my marriage. I was filled with thrill. Parts of the year not that good. 

I did not have a rigid discipline or a rigid routine. I even told my mom to give me my medication. My psychological medication. 

I'm on Abilify and Lexapro currently prescribed by my psychiatrist for my depression and borderline personality disorder. 

 

...................... 

 

Maintaining emotional stability is not easy. I rely on food, especially a quick sugar fix to fix my anxieties. I sometimes feel like drinking but I don't drink. It's like bad days are back again. 

I want to see my mother happy before I die.

I wanted happiness. I wanted my good moments to last longer. 

Life is hell when you don't have a good family. 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Yea I've been in similar situations quite recently. Where I experienced hate. 

 

So I used two ways to deal with it —

 

I mostly forgive them whenever an encounter comes up. 

I let them go and let them do their thing to me. If they judge me I let them do it. I call it giving space. Meaning. Let them be how they are and I won't react. It's like I give them that freedom to trigger me. Because I understand that a part of them makes them do what they do and I try to take the high road and understand it from a meta perspective, the way a parent would understand a child. So I try to not get worked up by what they do. Instead I just let them and my heart expands in the process. Although I don't experience intense love for them, the hate sort of dissipates a bit in the process of trying to understand where they come from. 

I live my life from a very feminine energy based perspective. The male perspective can be quite different. 

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I guess I'll have to be my own therapist because my family decided that therapy shouldn't be an option anymore. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I will need to dissect my feelings one by one. 

[Buck Edwards]

My main goal should be to let go of the need for validation as this thing irritates me a lot. 

Also why can't I be more selfish than I already am? 

I'm so hung up between the concepts of selfishness and selflessness. 

Embrace selfishness. And yet I can't really do it. 

[Buck Edwards]

When I wake up from nightmares, it's a difficult situation. Because suddenly I'm in a different world. And the negativity I experience in that world is unbearable. I felt like everyone hated me. I need to deal with these babyish emotions as they're a hurdle to my growth. It's not the end of the world but it feels like it. Still the same addiction to thoughts and feelings. It can be a torment. 

[Buck Edwards]

People can feel close and they can still feel far. Rejection always hurts a lot. I have emotional needs of a child. Probably because I never felt the love a child needed. And I still keep wanting it. 

My husband is always by my side when I'm depressed and that's a ray of sunshine in my life. 

[Buck Edwards]

When someone doesn't respond to you/me, the best thing to do is walk away. You have that power, the power of saying no. The power of setting yourself free. Sometimes I love life. Sometimes I hate life. It's a mixed bag of emotions. You have to look at things from a different perspective and the open mindedness needed to do this is a crucial and critical part of spiritual work.. 

I can say Sadhguru helped me a lot in this process. Even Leo.

[Buck Edwards]

Sometimes the forum usage also depresses me for some reason and one day I have to learn to cope with it as well. 

 

I don't know how much positive affirmations will benefit me. Maybe I tend to overthink but when I put my emotions on paper is when I get a clear perception of them. This is also a technique I had widely used when I was Buck Edwards on the forum a year ago.. Time flies and I can't imagine that I spent a year on this forum and how time flew. I keep rambling into the wind. I think hitherto my best conversations have been with my own self as I always tend to come across some contemplative truth when I have them. Everything begins with self. 

Sometimes my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I'm guilty of this. Yes I'm. 

To be completely vulnerable requires some degree of self honesty. 

Some journals are closer to my heart than others. 

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

                                          

 

I lose my train of thought often. I can say that I'm often in my own head. Maybe it's a good quiet place to be and sometimes it's not. Life runs like a train. The new year is giving me some anticipatory anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is stemming from knowing that I have to work harder than before. I have to put more effort. I have more goals to accomplish. More things to attend to. More things to take care of. Why is life so brutal? At the same time, certain things are disappearing. Like the need for friendship is dissolving. I don't always feel like I need company and some of this emotional dependency is being handled. It's only when you are completely alone, you truly value solitude in its purest form. Be free. 

 

To Sara, 

Be strong Sara. It will all pan out. Don't be discouraged. Say this to yourself everyday. I know everyday feels depressing. Express your emotions more freely. Be vulnerable if you want to be. Be as feminine as possible. Do not repress yourself. Also focus on how you can handle the same stuff in a more matured manner. Sure rely on coping mechanisms but coping can only go so far. At some point, action is needed. Note down your dreams, passions and desires. Have the courage to chase them. 

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Why am I on this forum? 

Fruitful conversations to add to my knowledge database. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I have felt some anxiety in the past two days. I have also had nightmares. Even evenings give me anxiety. I don't know why this happens. I constantly crave safety and assurance.. My childhood is to blame. I was raised in insecurity. Never really loved or hugged. Raised in toxicity. I don't know how I turned out to be normal. It takes so much effort to get over internal trauma and to have a proper mindset to life. 

                               

 

 

. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

1st January 2025. 

 

It's more about accepting myself rather than resisting. 

Since I'm a woman I have to consider things from the feminine perspective a lot. 

Let's see. Today is the first day of the year. 

. 

I still have a sinking feeling that doesn't go away.. 

[Buck Edwards]

January 2, 2025.

I spent three months on the forum from October to December trying to stabilize myself as much as possible and it worked out perfect finally. No worries now. Because it had been irritating me for a while that I wasn't feeling perfect. I was just languishing. Did not feel like thriving. And I'm way too self conscious and overly concerned. But given my past and how I was traumatised it makes sense. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. Constantly scrutinizing every aspect of my life, even my presence on the forum, lot of things that didn't make me happy and I was too bothered by even the pettiest things. November 12 and 13 weren't good days. 

Some things women have to be very  particular about. These things men cannot grasp. I cannot blame men for this because men are very myopic when it comes to women in my opinion. 

I think we as women have been subconsciously trained to care too much about our self image. It's just what it is. A woman can spend her whole life curating her self image. I already see a lot of women do this. Maybe that's the reason why female ego is pretty strong. 

 

Edited yesterday at 04:17 AM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I got something out of my way. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

There are certain things that affect my self confidence a bit too much for my liking. 

In 2025, I should work on my self confidence. 

In 2025, I should be serious about my development. 

In 2025, I should learn how to deal with failure. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I value other things in women. Beauty is not necessary. 

 

 

 

 

Bullshit. Women can do a lot more.