First Solo Mushroom Trip (kinda long)

[mud]

Hey y'all. I'm fresh (if yesterday counts as fresh) off of my first trip on 3.5g mushrooms alone. Also the first topic I've started on the forum so that's somethin. 

My past psychedelic experiences had all taken place more than a year and a half before this one, and had always been with one of my best friends recreationally. A few times shrooms, a few times LSD, they were all fun, with insights gained in the moment and subtly afterwards. 

But for this experience I was looking forward to being alone, and how I could have an intentional trip of contemplating and meditating on my emotional wounds (although from past trips I learned that strict plans could go by the wayside, and that this is okay, I made note of it.)

What is experienced surprises me more than my sober expectation however. Lemon-tekking quickened the onset as I sat meditating in the middle of the room. The pad of paper on the floor next to me with notes on my intentions and things I'd like to think/do during the trip, "spiritually" and "recreationally", fell away. But I immediately became aware and fine with that. 

While beforehand I intuitively knew things like how this psychedelic amplifies neurochemistry, it did surprise me as to how much I was acting (more so just being ) like I had been when tripping with my best friend. I'd like to think that the house I was in (where I had most of my trips before) influenced my behavior in this way, but I realized that my ADHD was having a field day and I'd do what I'd do whether I was with my friend or not.

The conflict between intentional thinking and going with the flow spurred many emotions, comfortable and uncomfortable, and also many thoughts and insights that were once again brought to the surface to contemplate...without even trying! Like clouds bumping into each other making rain and lightning, a refreshing and enlightening storm. 

There were key moments and realizations throughout my trip that were some good examples of this. The first actually did have to do with what I intended to primarily meditate on during the trip. About how my father's dysfunctional absence starting in my late childhood had affected person I had become in subtly destructive ways. Before the trip sober, I could understand that I wanted a dad. But during the trip realizing how much I looked up to and tried to impress other men in my life, I realized that I wanted a dad. Although I had to judiciously put that thought to rest. In a few days I'll be 22 and one more year closer to being my own dad and some kids' dad one day.

The other realizations had to do with (my interpretation) how the fragile ego robs the self of joy and being. I'd gotten a text from one of my friends in the group chat, a guy a few years older than me, who decided to finalize the plan for my birthday with his own additions. It was a good plan but I couldn't help thinking of making a snarky in-jest reply on how we had no choice but to go with the plan. But then...I actually caught the subtle intention behind this reply: my ego triggered over how he had taken charge instead of me, and I observed my thoughts of feeling lesser. Actually, it was more so thinking that the others would think that I am lesser, all because I didn't take the charge (the rest the friends are women, gotta love projecting insecure masculinity). But I realized: Why do I care so much? Even if anyone was thinking I was lesser, I can't know for sure, so why not assume the best? We're all friends after all, and there are reasons behind that. It's quite simply a helpful text, good plan, for MY birthday. Additionally I was thinking way too long and hard about how to reply the funniest possible way and within bounds, realizing that I was trying to impress due to a degree of insecurity about the friendships. But again, they're unnecessary to the plain and positive text I mentioned, so I ended up just liking the text, and replying to someone else's reply (that whaddaya know, was about asking MY thoughts on the plan) in the most myself and shroomed-up way (of course) in recent memory. 

Continued, later I left the house and walked to a nearby park, enjoyed everything about it, and after a while a sat on a bench watching some seagulls on the frozen surface of the lake with my crappy far vision. A thought popped into my head, "this would be better if my eyes were better", but I caught myself again. Why not just enjoy it for what it is? I was enjoying it before I had that thought.

ALL IN ALL it was a great first solo experience, a great trip after not having one for a while and I feel psychedelically revitalized. Some great takeaways:
--Be wary of your egoic structure and it's fragility, doing what you would do or being how you'd like to be aside from the ego is truly being yourself
--Accept how and who you are in the moment, be conscious, focus your intention and work on yourself primarily from a place of intrinsic love and understanding
--Neurochemistry is most likely more powerful than set and setting, and I'm curious to see that if I lessened the disadvantaging effects of my ADHD, how the trips may turn out differently (I think this'll have to be done with focused sober work)

--You CAN just be and exist in the most primal and incomplex way as a human, shedding most concerns and responsibilities although sober and through certain levels of consciousness this is not practical 

--This stuff's infinite (ofc)

Questions/thoughts I still have:
-How to better distinguish the difference between self-acceptance and laziness, and willful drive (non-acceptance) and ego, on all levels?
-Some others but its getting late for me and I gotta wrap this thing up

P.S sorry not sorry that this is breaking the recent trend of god-encountering capital T Truth internalizing mind annihilating 5-MeO-DMT trip reports  I still have some ways to go

Edited December 29, 2024 by mud

[mud]

Okay now that I've given time to mull over the takeaways, especially when sober they seem so obvious lol but maybe not

[Leo Gura]

Nice work. Thanks for sharing.