How to deal with aging / sick parents?

[Staples]

I am going to share some personal details in this one, I am hoping someone who has gone through a similar experience can share some wisdom...

This Christmas I particularly noticed my aging parents struggling to get through things day-to-day. I live away from home, so my parents do not really have family in their town to look after them if things go wrong.

I have often had conflict with them over their drinking / tobacco smoking habits. It pains me to see them poison themselves every day. They are not aging gracefully and consume poison like they are in their 20s. Yet in reality they are in their 60s and struggle through life as if they were in their 80s.

My father also struggles from mental health issues which I am sure will result in a manic episode if/when grim health news is dropped on him. It's honestly a miracle both my parents are still alive given their lifestyle.

On a certain level, I realize none of this can be helped and it's just nature playing out.

However, I don't find it fair that I am going to be in for a world of suffering and responsibility when my parents end up requiring intensive medical care due to their poor choices and health decisions. They could have aged gracefully if they tried. I am likely going to lose years of my life caring for them in their old age, or I will be branded as the selfish child who abandoned their parents. Lose-lose situation.

Does anyone know any good resources to better learn how to deal with this? Family issues have honestly been at the bottom of my priority list my whole adulthood, I really do not know how to approach this domain of life at all.

[Candle]

4 hours ago, Staples said:

Does anyone know any good resources to better learn how to deal with this?

Save the playlists from this channel that are relevant to your situations : 

https://m.youtube.com/@DocSnipes/playlists

Watch this : 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I44AMQ0ADsk [Eckhart Tolle] this is a relevant video. 

Transcript : 

Quote

I wanna ask why I work with people 
and talk about lifestyle
change quite a lot 
and how it will relate to health. 
And I notice in myself 
as well as in those
people that I work with 
that sometimes in the face
of really clear experience 
that making a certain health
choice will make them better 
and in sometimes serious situations 
like say they've got
diabetes or something. 
And I just want to make this distinct 
from things that we know that
are addictions like smoking. 
So I'm not talking about that
'cause that's an addiction 
and that's got a different force 
but sometimes people, for example, 
they'll go on a gluten-free diet say, 
and they'll be much
better for three months 
and then they'll come back 
and they've started to lose
that momentum, lose motivation, 
and they're drifting back into 
the diet that doesn't suit so well, 
what is that force? 
What is that in us, in me too 
where I know that, for example, 
if I go to bed earlier, I'll
feel better in the next day 
but something in me sort of says, 
"No, I don't wanna go to bed." 
(audience laughs) 
What is that? 

 

- These are forms of
conditioning that has inertia 
and a certain momentum in
certain ways in which people live 
that have been there for many, many years. 
They could also almost be seen
as energy streams inside you 
and they have a certain momentum. 
And some of these are sluggish
energies, the inertia, 
the pull of gravity, 
gravitational force of deep seated habits 
that are associated with the person. 
It's part of conditioning,
mental, emotional conditioning. 
So then the motivation goes away again. 
And sometimes it's only
in a crisis situation 
that people are able to break out of it 
and sometimes not even then. 
If they really realize
it's a crisis situation 
then sometimes that can be the trigger 
that pushes people out of that gravity, 
the gravitational pull of deep
seated conditioned habits. 
There's also reluctance 
because these things are associated 
with the egoic sense of identity. 
There's also reluctance
sometimes to abandon these habits 
because it's almost as if 
you were abandoning a part of yourself 
and people don't want to die. 
The ego doesn't want to die. 
Often the ego is stuck in unhealthy habits 
but it's become so much
of their sense of self 
that they can't do anything about it 
and they don't want to. 
All you can do 
is explain what it is that they are doing. 
There's only that much that
you can do for somebody else. 
You cannot force them to evolve. 
You can only provide the
triggers for the evolution. 
There are humans who don't want to evolve. 
They're not ready yet. 
It's like an apple that's on the tree 
and it might be close to
getting ripe but it doesn't 
or it might be it doesn't want to fall. 
It was just clinging. 
Or let's say another example. 
The caterpillar says, 
"No, I don't want to become a butterfly. 
I know who I am 
and I'm comfortable with who I am. 
Why do you want me to become a butterfly? 
I don't want to fly around in the air. 
(audience laughs) 
I belong here." 
And then it munches like,
"This is where I belong." 
(audience laughs) 
And no matter how much you
talk to the caterpillar 
you have to wait until finally 
the caterpillars when it gets close 
to the transformation or metamorphosis, 
then the caterpillar experiences 
life becoming quite unpleasant. 
He cannot be a caterpillar anymore 
and he can't even crawl anymore 
and something is very wrong suddenly. 
And it's only when life
becomes totally unbearable 
for the caterpillar, 
then finally he gives in and says, 
"Okay, I can't stand this anymore. 
I'd rather be a butterfly." 
And so humans are a bit like that. 
And some are ready. 
Some need more suffering
before they are ready. 
That's the unfortunate truth. 
And not necessarily physical suffering. 
It can also be self-generated 
mental and emotional suffering. 
Some people are not ready to give up 
their self generated
mental, emotional suffering. 
They just not ready. 
They may come to you and
say, "Help me! Help me." 
But when it comes to the moment
where they could be free, 
as happened to me years ago 
when I was still working
with individual people. 
I was pointing out to a lady who came, 
who had terrible irritation 
with her husband for years. 
The very presence of her husband
caused intense irritation. 
(audience laughs) 
Everything her husband
said and did, everything, 
the way he moved, the way he
sat, the way he ate his food, 
"I can't stand him." 
(audience laughs) 
I explained, attempted to explain these 
in the earliest stages of
before any books were written, 
in the earliest stages of the teachings 
when I sometimes surprised
myself when I gave answers, 
things I didn't know
beforehand, they just came. 
So I explained to her the
mechanism behind the suffering 
and the possibility of... 
Of course she could leave him 
or she could discover that this
is self-generated suffering 
and she could be free of that. 
And then suddenly she began to see it 
and she began to see the
possibility of letting go 
of all that self-generated suffering. 
And then she suddenly said, 
"If I let go of it, what have I got left?" 
(audience laughs) 
(chuckles) 
She was so identified
with their suffering. 
It was like not only a close friend, 
suffering was an essential part of her, 
had become over the years 
an essential part of
her sense of identity, 
of her sense of self. 
She did not want to let go. 
And soon after she didn't want
to come and see me anymore. 
(audience laughs) 
But I do know that's some
of the things I said to her. 
Later, I brought in the power of now. 
So she's in there somewhere, 
(audience laughs) 
and hopefully she lived long enough 
so that she could read the book 
and perhaps saw herself in there, 
and then perhaps at that
stage, perhaps she was ready. 
We don't know. 
We just have to accept. 
Some people are not yet
ready but do all you can 
not to force them to change 
but to provide that to them that triggers, 
it has to come from within them. 
The readiness to let go or to change 
has to come from within them. 
How you do it will vary
from person to person. 
Use your intuition, 
go to the place of not
knowing so that the intuitive, 
you can say helpful things
that come from a deeper level 
that might make a difference to them. 
What that is I can cannot tell you 
because you can only know that 
you in that situation with that person. 
So go to the place of not
knowing when you are with people 
not continuously but be there sometimes. 
Then it's possible that
that's what they need 
that can trigger an awakening. 
You might say to them or do to them. 
Well, do what you do. 
Like be the Zen Master 
and hit them sometimes but
you don't want to do that, 
but life does it if they don't change. 
Thanks. 

@Staples

Edited December 28, 2024 by Candle

[Buck Edwards]

Have open and honest conversations with your parents, but focus on expressing your concerns and offering support rather than criticism or blame. Encourage your parents to discuss their end-of-life wishes with a doctor and create an advance care directive. This will ensure their wishes are respected if they become incapacitated.

I would definitely suggest therapy as the last alternative in your parents case. Forgive yourself. It's okay if you can't do everything. Forgive yourself for any feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

Resources:
 * National Alliance for Caregiving: https://www.caregiving.org/
 * The Family Caregiver Alliance: https://www.caregiver.org/
 * Eldercare Locator: https://eldercare.acl.gov/
 

Edited December 28, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[hoodrow trillson]

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

[PenguinPablo]

4 hours ago, hoodrow trillson said:

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

Man I get that but if your parents lived completely irresponsibly both financially and health wise. Maybe their brain is fried because of alcohol, diabetes, no $avings.

I would feel extremely guilty for abandoning them.

But it is also true that I will have to shoulder the burden for their poor choices.

[Staples]

17 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Have open and honest conversations with your parents, but focus on expressing your concerns and offering support rather than criticism or blame. Encourage your parents to discuss their end-of-life wishes with a doctor and create an advance care directive. This will ensure their wishes are respected if they become incapacitated.

Yes you are right. They are going to hate that conversation but it must be had. If they are open to that chat then great, if not then there's nothing I can do for them I am afraid.

8 hours ago, hoodrow trillson said:

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

Yes that's a good way to think about it. It helps appreciate the good time I still have left. It just infuriates me that people so close to me have been on a collision course with disaster for decades and never made the effort to change. And now it's going to become mine and my future family's problem. At least I won't make the same mistake for my future kids. I couldn't live with myself if I were unable to work or provide a service to society in some way.

Edited December 29, 2024 by Staples

[gettoefl]

You have to suck it up. They are doing what they have worked a lifetime to be entitled to. You have no standing. I was caregiver to my parents their end of life. They died in the past month, 25 days apart. They could have had better lives but they died how they lived, with full abandon and with their own signature. It couldn't have played differently. They haven't regrets and I haven't regrets. I am mourning them and moving on from them. I am grateful but not defined by their choices.

Edited December 29, 2024 by gettoefl

[manuel bon]

On 12/28/2024 at 7:49 AM, Staples said:

I am going to share some personal details in this one, I am hoping someone who has gone through a similar experience can share some wisdom...

This Christmas I particularly noticed my aging parents struggling to get through things day-to-day. I live away from home, so my parents do not really have family in their town to look after them if things go wrong.

I have often had conflict with them over their drinking / tobacco smoking habits. It pains me to see them poison themselves every day. They are not aging gracefully and consume poison like they are in their 20s. Yet in reality they are in their 60s and struggle through life as if they were in their 80s.

My father also struggles from mental health issues which I am sure will result in a manic episode if/when grim health news is dropped on him. It's honestly a miracle both my parents are still alive given their lifestyle.

On a certain level, I realize none of this can be helped and it's just nature playing out.

However, I don't find it fair that I am going to be in for a world of suffering and responsibility when my parents end up requiring intensive medical care due to their poor choices and health decisions. They could have aged gracefully if they tried. I am likely going to lose years of my life caring for them in their old age, or I will be branded as the selfish child who abandoned their parents. Lose-lose situation.

Does anyone know any good resources to better learn how to deal with this? Family issues have honestly been at the bottom of my priority list my whole adulthood, I really do not know how to approach this domain of life at all.

My parents had a very toxic personality and they harmed me in many ways, saying that all they did was because of love (and still are toxic, but now it's getting better since I don't live with them anymore).

2 years ago my dad had an accident and now he's 100% disabled, with a terrible brain injury. His family abandoned him (and us), and I can tell you that they are living a good life, maybe even better cause they don't have to deal with the usual "family fights" or these kinds of things.

I also thought about pros and cons about leaving the family and my dad. But my conclusion is that I prefer living a life giving love and helping my parents, than having a normal life but without my parents. It doesn't matter how toxic they were, I will always love them and help as much as I can.