How to deal with aging / sick parents?

[Staples]

I am going to share some personal details in this one, I am hoping someone who has gone through a similar experience can share some wisdom...

This Christmas I particularly noticed my aging parents struggling to get through things day-to-day. I live away from home, so my parents do not really have family in their town to look after them if things go wrong.

I have often had conflict with them over their drinking / tobacco smoking habits. It pains me to see them poison themselves every day. They are not aging gracefully and consume poison like they are in their 20s. Yet in reality they are in their 60s and struggle through life as if they were in their 80s.

My father also struggles from mental health issues which I am sure will result in a manic episode if/when grim health news is dropped on him. It's honestly a miracle both my parents are still alive given their lifestyle.

On a certain level, I realize none of this can be helped and it's just nature playing out.

However, I don't find it fair that I am going to be in for a world of suffering and responsibility when my parents end up requiring intensive medical care due to their poor choices and health decisions. They could have aged gracefully if they tried. I am likely going to lose years of my life caring for them in their old age, or I will be branded as the selfish child who abandoned their parents. Lose-lose situation.

Does anyone know any good resources to better learn how to deal with this? Family issues have honestly been at the bottom of my priority list my whole adulthood, I really do not know how to approach this domain of life at all.

[Whitney Edwards]

Have open and honest conversations with your parents, but focus on expressing your concerns and offering support rather than criticism or blame. Encourage your parents to discuss their end-of-life wishes with a doctor and create an advance care directive. This will ensure their wishes are respected if they become incapacitated.

I would definitely suggest therapy as the last alternative in your parents case. Forgive yourself. It's okay if you can't do everything. Forgive yourself for any feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

Resources:
 * National Alliance for Caregiving: https://www.caregiving.org/
 * The Family Caregiver Alliance: https://www.caregiver.org/
 * Eldercare Locator: https://eldercare.acl.gov/
 

Edited December 28, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[hoodrow trillson]

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

[PenguinPablo]

4 hours ago, hoodrow trillson said:

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

Man I get that but if your parents lived completely irresponsibly both financially and health wise. Maybe their brain is fried because of alcohol, diabetes, no $avings.

I would feel extremely guilty for abandoning them.

But it is also true that I will have to shoulder the burden for their poor choices.

[Staples]

17 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Have open and honest conversations with your parents, but focus on expressing your concerns and offering support rather than criticism or blame. Encourage your parents to discuss their end-of-life wishes with a doctor and create an advance care directive. This will ensure their wishes are respected if they become incapacitated.

Yes you are right. They are going to hate that conversation but it must be had. If they are open to that chat then great, if not then there's nothing I can do for them I am afraid.

8 hours ago, hoodrow trillson said:

I believe (I think) that you will feel immense guilt and shame if you abandon them in their time of need when they're super old when then eventually pass.  Many people end up absolutely devastated because they wish they had just 5 minutes again just sit next to them alive, after the fact.  And right now in the present moment you do not see this, so think of it as your future self that has gone back in time to see your parents again:  here you are.

Yes that's a good way to think about it. It helps appreciate the good time I still have left. It just infuriates me that people so close to me have been on a collision course with disaster for decades and never made the effort to change. And now it's going to become mine and my future family's problem. At least I won't make the same mistake for my future kids. I couldn't live with myself if I were unable to work or provide a service to society in some way.

Edited December 29, 2024 by Staples

[gettoefl]

You have to suck it up. They are doing what they have worked a lifetime to be entitled to. You have no standing. I was caregiver to my parents their end of life. They died in the past month, 25 days apart. They could have had better lives but they died how they lived, with full abandon and with their own signature. It couldn't have played differently. They haven't regrets and I haven't regrets. I am mourning them and moving on from them. I am grateful but not defined by their choices.

Edited December 29, 2024 by gettoefl

[manuel bon]

On 12/28/2024 at 7:49 AM, Staples said:

I am going to share some personal details in this one, I am hoping someone who has gone through a similar experience can share some wisdom...

This Christmas I particularly noticed my aging parents struggling to get through things day-to-day. I live away from home, so my parents do not really have family in their town to look after them if things go wrong.

I have often had conflict with them over their drinking / tobacco smoking habits. It pains me to see them poison themselves every day. They are not aging gracefully and consume poison like they are in their 20s. Yet in reality they are in their 60s and struggle through life as if they were in their 80s.

My father also struggles from mental health issues which I am sure will result in a manic episode if/when grim health news is dropped on him. It's honestly a miracle both my parents are still alive given their lifestyle.

On a certain level, I realize none of this can be helped and it's just nature playing out.

However, I don't find it fair that I am going to be in for a world of suffering and responsibility when my parents end up requiring intensive medical care due to their poor choices and health decisions. They could have aged gracefully if they tried. I am likely going to lose years of my life caring for them in their old age, or I will be branded as the selfish child who abandoned their parents. Lose-lose situation.

Does anyone know any good resources to better learn how to deal with this? Family issues have honestly been at the bottom of my priority list my whole adulthood, I really do not know how to approach this domain of life at all.

My parents had a very toxic personality and they harmed me in many ways, saying that all they did was because of love (and still are toxic, but now it's getting better since I don't live with them anymore).

2 years ago my dad had an accident and now he's 100% disabled, with a terrible brain injury. His family abandoned him (and us), and I can tell you that they are living a good life, maybe even better cause they don't have to deal with the usual "family fights" or these kinds of things.

I also thought about pros and cons about leaving the family and my dad. But my conclusion is that I prefer living a life giving love and helping my parents, than having a normal life but without my parents. It doesn't matter how toxic they were, I will always love them and help as much as I can.