My Partial God-Realization on 5-MeO-DMT

[Tristan12]

I use 5-MeO-DMT only in small doses, for emotional healing purposes. I'm not ready to dive into ego-death or other deep spiritual experiences yet. My ego is too sensitive and fearful for that right now, and I've seen a few times when I've taken doses that have pushed my limits for what I can handle, I get very fearful and resistant and I can tell there is no way I'd be able to get myself to surrender, so I stick with small doses for now.

Last night I took a small dose (one hit of a vape), and my intention was to receive deep love to help me cry out and release a lot of the emotional pain I've been dealing with lately. I wanted to see that true love is possible, because I've noticed lately that deep down I really doubt that it is, but I need to be open to receiving love to be able to heal. So I wanted to see that real love is possible.

I started to feel into a lot of the pain I've been dealing with lately, and crying it out. It soon started to feel like I was communicating with something, like I was crying out my pain to this higher power. I wasn't fully conscious of God, but I think I was experiencing a very mild and introductory version of it, like I was starting to become conscious of God. I felt like I was crying to God, showing God my pain. 

I started thinking to myself, it's really beautiful that I'm able to have this interaction with God, without having to go through an ego-death that I'm not ready for. It felt like the intelligence of the substance made that happen for me, so that I could have this beautiful experience in a way that I could handle. As I had that thought, I suddenly realized, it's not the intelligence of the substance doing it, it's me (as God) doing it to myself! I as God am giving myself this experience fully catered towards me, so that I can start to awaken. As I realized that, Leo's words "God is gently pushing you to awaken" (or something like that) I think from his video "the ultimate structure of reality explained", came to mind, and it felt like that's exactly what was happening.

I felt like I as a human have always been at the centre of a ball of yarn, tangled in all these strings of illusion and deception, and I felt like I had started to claw my way out of it and stick my head up out of the ball of yarn, and I could see that this whole time I was God stuck in all these illusions, and I was waking up to myself and what I am. Watching the transition happen from me being identified with my human self, and gradually starting to dis-identify with him and awaken to myself as this higher power/God, and looking back at my human self and seeing that all he is is an illusion that God is stuck in, until I, as God, wake up to myself, that was absolutely incredible to watch. From that point of view, I felt like I was watching my human self (Tristan) like he was my child, and I wasn't identified with him in that moment.

I started to think about painful things that have happened throughout my life, and it was so clear that none of it was actually real, and I've been imagining all of it. I looked outside, at the trees and the sky, and it was also so clear that it was all my imagination.

There's more that happened in this trip, some emotional healing related things, and also some other spiritual experiences, but this was the most significant part, and I wanted to share it on the forum. 5-MeO-DMT is such an incredible substance, I've noticed multiple times now the intelligence of it, and how it seems to recognize what you need and cater your experience towards that. I think it was so cool that I was able to have a partial, introductory God-Realization that didn't require me to go through an ego death that I'm not ready for.

Edited Friday at 11:25 PM by Tristan12

[Leo Gura]

Yes! Excellent work. You will require some dozens of trips to work through your human emotional baggage before you are ready for the heavy metaphysical, reality-melting trips.

So stick consistently with your process, don't get ahead of your skiis, and a year or two from now you will be ready for full God-Realization.

Edited Saturday at 12:35 PM by Leo Gura

[Davino]

Congratulations, really happy to read this!

14 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

1. My intention was to receive deep love to help me cry out and release a lot of the emotional pain I've been dealing with lately. I wanted to see that true love is possible, because I've noticed lately that deep down I really doubt that it is, but I need to be open to receiving love to be able to heal. So I wanted to see that real love is possible.
2. I felt like I as a human have always been at the centre of a ball of yarn, tangled in all these strings of illusion and deception

I would advise you to focus on these two aspects for progressing further.

1. Love is the ultimate healer, bask in Self-Love as deeply and as open as possible. When you can no more, take a deep breath and breakthrough that and love yourself a tiny bit more. Love all the crap of your psyche and self, infuse it with the light and love of pure Consciousness, understanding and all-embracement.
2. The ball of yarn you're describing, it might feel as one thing more of the trip but I would like you to consider it as absolutely central to your healing process. Understand the entanglement your mind is in, the blocks and tensions in your body and the trip will guide you towards "resolving" and unknoting the ball of yarn.

I consider myself an experienced psychonaut and I'm heavily still working in these two points. I hoped I would have recognised their importance sooner and focus on them as they are a constant developmental axis both inside tripping and with real lasting implications on everyday life.

Wish you the best and very very happy for your immense success! Most people struggle to reach such realizations even with lots of spiritual practice and many trips, so really you do have a talent here. Consider yourself an unpolished diamond, take it with patience and perseverance and everything will arrive, I promise!

Edited Saturday at 02:06 PM by Davino

[RendHeaven]

Brilliant. Proud of you bro.

That's exactly right.

And it only gets better from here

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 you are not alone in this. I do it also the slow way because I fear ego death even though I never experienced that. I don't do it for healing but I like the body load. It feels sometimes so relaxing and fresh.

5 Meo DMT is absolutely amazing on lower doses (I am on 5 Meo right now so I speak from direct experience).

[Davino]

5 hours ago, OBEler said:

I fear ego death

It's like taking a cold shower

You never get to love the process but you can see the benefits

[Tristan12]

@Leo Gura @Davino @RendHeaven @OBEler Thanks guys! I did 5-MeO-DMT again earlier today, and I had a similar trip, but even deeper, and it was absolutely incredible. Here's a report:

I took one single inhale (deeper than usual), and I noticed the substance felt different than it ever has before. Right away, within about 30 seconds, I popped out of my human life, and I felt like I could see myself with a paintbrush, designing my life exactly as it is right now. Everything I've been going through, it's all happening intentionally, and I'm the one creating it.

I felt like I was sitting outside of my life as a human, and I was with God/The Universe. I was looking at things in my life that cause me massive amounts of pain that I am constantly suffering from. I felt like I was holding it in my hands, and it was all so heavy, and then it became crystal clear that all of this pain is just something I'm imagining. I felt like I was leaving my human life more, and merging with God, and as that happened, I could feel all of this pain getting ripped out of me.

It felt like the pain was just some clothing I was wearing, a dream I was in, but beneath all of that, the real me - God, is completely unscathed, as if I was never hurt to begin with. It felt like these "clothes" I was wearing were starting to come off, like I didn't have to be burdened by all this pain anymore, and I was returning to the perfect, pristine state that I originally came from. There was this very strong feeling of the universe "reclaiming what belongs to it" (reclaiming me).

I could see that I belong to the universe, I am the universe, and so there is no way that I would be left permanently broken or damaged. I will always be able to go back to being completely healed, because I'm not just some tiny individual human, I am the universe itself, and the universe is too big and powerful to get destroyed or hurt by some occurrences in a human life.

I saw that I never had to doubt for a second that the pain I've been through in my life would make life not worth living, or the universe not worth existing in. I saw that all of this suffering can be gone in an instant, and I can be in pristine, perfect condition as if I was never hurt to begin with. I saw that this place I was in now, being with God, this is what I REALLY want, more than anything, no matter how much I may think I want anything in human life.

I was thinking again about how amazing the intelligence of this substance is, how it created a deep spiritual experience for me in a way that I could handle and wasn't too overwhelming, but then I realized again, it's not the substance doing it, it's me as God doing it to myself. It was hard for me to believe it, and I wanted to give the substance credit for the experience, but then it was like no, it's really not the substance at all, it's YOU! You as God are creating this experience for yourself!

I started to think about telling other people in my life about this experience, including people on this forum, but then I realized: every person in my life, this whole forum, and Leo, it's all ME! I am all of it! From that perspective, I saw that there was no reason for me to tell anyone on this forum about this experience, or to engage with the forum at all, because the entire thing is just me. There is ONLY ME. I might as well just sit alone and enjoy this experience myself.

One of the things that sticks out most to me about this trip is just how deeply I realized that everything was ME. As I came out of my human life, as I saw myself as God, as I saw that people and the physical world are imaginary, I saw at deeper and deeper levels that everything is just me. The entire universe is my dream, my own self, and that is absolutely, 100% the case.

I remember sitting upright on my bed, I opened my eyes and was looking at my body, and it was so clear that I was God sitting in a human body. I kept saying to myself "I'm not Tristan, I am God. I'm not Tristan, I am God".

Throughout this entire experience, I was completely astounded. So many times I was like "OH MY GOD!! HOLY FUCK!". Just absolutely in love with this substance and the experience it's giving me, but at the same time remembering that I'm doing this to myself.

I felt so safe and loved throughout this whole experience. There was a lot of crying and emotional release. It got to the point where it felt like the universe was wanting me to go deeper into it, wanting me to fully exit out of human life and go to "the other side" (which I would assume is referring to ego death). I really felt like it would be safe to do so, I really trusted the universe, and I feel like even with how fearful and fragile my ego is, I could probably make it through ego death without freaking out. I was taking more hits of the vape, bit by bit, but it was never enough to push me all the way, and I was too afraid too push myself too far, in case it went bad. But it really feels like with these recent trips, I am being eased closer to ego death in a way that I can handle, so maybe I'll end up reaching that point sooner than I thought.

[Leo Gura]

@Tristan12

[integration journey]

On 12/27/2024 at 3:21 PM, Tristan12 said:

I use 5-MeO-DMT only in small doses, for emotional healing purposes. I'm not ready to dive into ego-death or other deep spiritual experiences yet. My ego is too sensitive and fearful for that right now, and I've seen a few times when I've taken doses that have pushed my limits for what I can handle, I get very fearful and resistant and I can tell there is no way I'd be able to get myself to surrender, so I stick with small doses for now.

Last night I took a small dose (one hit of a vape), and my intention was to receive deep love to help me cry out and release a lot of the emotional pain I've been dealing with lately. I wanted to see that true love is possible, because I've noticed lately that deep down I really doubt that it is, but I need to be open to receiving love to be able to heal. So I wanted to see that real love is possible.

I started to feel into a lot of the pain I've been dealing with lately, and crying it out. It soon started to feel like I was communicating with something, like I was crying out my pain to this higher power. I wasn't fully conscious of God, but I think I was experiencing a very mild and introductory version of it, like I was starting to become conscious of God. I felt like I was crying to God, showing God my pain. 

I started thinking to myself, it's really beautiful that I'm able to have this interaction with God, without having to go through an ego-death that I'm not ready for. It felt like the intelligence of the substance made that happen for me, so that I could have this beautiful experience in a way that I could handle. As I had that thought, I suddenly realized, it's not the intelligence of the substance doing it, it's me (as God) doing it to myself! I as God am giving myself this experience fully catered towards me, so that I can start to awaken. As I realized that, Leo's words "God is gently pushing you to awaken" (or something like that) I think from his video "the ultimate structure of reality explained", came to mind, and it felt like that's exactly what was happening.

I felt like I as a human have always been at the centre of a ball of yarn, tangled in all these strings of illusion and deception, and I felt like I had started to claw my way out of it and stick my head up out of the ball of yarn, and I could see that this whole time I was God stuck in all these illusions, and I was waking up to myself and what I am. Watching the transition happen from me being identified with my human self, and gradually starting to dis-identify with him and awaken to myself as this higher power/God, and looking back at my human self and seeing that all he is is an illusion that God is stuck in, until I, as God, wake up to myself, that was absolutely incredible to watch. From that point of view, I felt like I was watching my human self (Tristan) like he was my child, and I wasn't identified with him in that moment.

I started to think about painful things that have happened throughout my life, and it was so clear that none of it was actually real, and I've been imagining all of it. I looked outside, at the trees and the sky, and it was also so clear that it was all my imagination.

There's more that happened in this trip, some emotional healing related things, and also some other spiritual experiences, but this was the most significant part, and I wanted to share it on the forum. 5-MeO-DMT is such an incredible substance, I've noticed multiple times now the intelligence of it, and how it seems to recognize what you need and cater your experience towards that. I think it was so cool that I was able to have a partial, introductory God-Realization that didn't require me to go through an ego death that I'm not ready for.

Beautiful description 🤍🤍

 

[Tristan12]

On 12/28/2024 at 9:05 AM, Davino said:

Congratulations, really happy to read this!

I would advise you to focus on these two aspects for progressing further.

1. Love is the ultimate healer, bask in Self-Love as deeply and as open as possible. When you can no more, take a deep breath and breakthrough that and love yourself a tiny bit more. Love all the crap of your psyche and self, infuse it with the light and love of pure Consciousness, understanding and all-embracement.
2. The ball of yarn you're describing, it might feel as one thing more of the trip but I would like you to consider it as absolutely central to your healing process. Understand the entanglement your mind is in, the blocks and tensions in your body and the trip will guide you towards "resolving" and unknoting the ball of yarn.

I consider myself an experienced psychonaut and I'm heavily still working in these two points. I hoped I would have recognised their importance sooner and focus on them as they are a constant developmental axis both inside tripping and with real lasting implications on everyday life.

Wish you the best and very very happy for your immense success! Most people struggle to reach such realizations even with lots of spiritual practice and many trips, so really you do have a talent here. Consider yourself an unpolished diamond, take it with patience and perseverance and everything will arrive, I promise!

Thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.

I really appreciate the last thing you said. I've really been struggling over the past few days with deep suicidal thoughts again. I've really been trying to push myself to actually end things, because I keep wanting to do it but I never take action, and I'm so tired of it. I really tried to convince myself, but I've always had this deep intuition that I have to keep going with life, things will work out, and I have too much potential to throw everything away. This intuition is so strong that I just can't get around it no matter what I do. I really hate it because it keeps me alive and stuck in my suffering.

I realized yesterday though, that maybe I should stop living my life for myself and my own enjoyment, and instead live only for my potential, for the person I could become, and the impact I could have on the world one day. That way I don’t have any expectations to be happy, to not be in pain. I only live for the sake of developing myself and getting to the point where I can share my gifts with the world. That’s the only reason I stay alive, because if it was up to me, I’d be dead.

This makes things a lot easier to deal with, because I don’t expect myself to be happy, or to not suffer, and I don’t take it so seriously or personally when things cause me pain, because I don’t live this life for myself or my own enjoyment.

Living this way doesn't mean I make myself suffer on purpose - I still try to practice self-love, be kind to myself, and don't put myself through more suffering than I need to, but the point is that I continue to live this life for the sake of actualizing my potential, not because I actually want to be alive and live this life.

I've already noticed that I feel way better living this way. It makes me so much less resistant to my pain, which both helps me to face it and figure out how to heal it, and it allows me to actually start to enjoy life, because I'm more able to accept everything that's happening. I think my life needs to be lived this way. It's way too painful to live my life just for my own self, but if I know that my reason for living is for something bigger than myself, then the pain doesn't affect me so much and it becomes more bearable. It also allows me to not have to act like I like living or like I want to be alive, and being able to be honest about those feelings makes them easier to deal with.

I appreciate your last paragraph because it reminds me that I do have potential, and that it will be worth it for me to keep living because eventually I can turn my life into something amazing. Thank you