P*rn-addiction, self-sabotage and being friendlier with myself

[Leeo_SA]

I am Leo, 31 years old and wanted to start this journal for following reasons:

• To stop my porn-addiction
• To stop my self-sabotage behaviour especially when I want to work
• To develop a kinder relationship with myself.

Which methods am I using?

• Introspection, self-reflection
• Self-Inquiry
• Brutal honesty
• Maybe psychedelics

Porn-addiction:

Background: I started to watch porn with the age of 12. Since then, I watched is on a regular basis. Since about 2016 I am aware of that I have an addicition, tried all kind of different method to get over it: hypnotherapy, NLP, lots of introspection, psychedelics, coaching, sexual therapy, journaling on nofap homepage aso.

No method was working in the long run. Over the years, I decreased my consumation of Porn from 1-3 times a day to periods in which I consume every 1-3 days for 4-5 months followed by 3 months with no consumation at all.

Addiction is a well known behaviour of myself: I smoked for 10 years straight, was drinking since COVID alot but got rid of both of them. Further I am very sensitive to Reels, shorts, youtube, social media so I am hooked fastly.

My current method is following: since 2-3 weeks now I take a microdosis of IBOGA every day together with L-Tyrosin. Background: I read a nice book about addiction which claims, that it is not just behaviour failure but also a brain chemistry issue. Porn and other addictions are caused due to a irregulation of Dopamin. Iboga and L-Tyrosin should help with that.

In my last LSD trip I discovered that I am not trusting myself due to my addiction. I got insights into myself that because I promise myself all the time, that I am not doing it again, and I break the promise, I cannot trust myself anymore. Being friendlier with myself and accepting myself more, would be the solution.

Self-Sabotage:

Since one year I am self employed as a coach in self sabotage and authenticity. Because I changed my marketing platforms in the beginning, I started all over again for the 3d time now (I accept it, bc I need to find a marketing platform which fits me in the long run). Now I am producing YouTube Videos in this field, wanted to share also spiritual content. Now I don't have cash left, so I search for a part time job. Bc I just have one month left, I had a lot of anxiety about that. But after facing this anxiety every time it came, I am no longer afraid, which is a good improvement.

But I find myself over and over again in self-sabotage when I want to produce videos. So shining some light on this issue is my cause of journaling.

[Leeo_SA]

When I am horny, I do one of following things:

• Eat something with sugar
• Going outside
• Go to my GF and tell her
• Do something different

My triggers:

• Boredom
• When I'm on Steam
• When I'm on social media
• When I have overworked myself
• When I don't know what to do
• When I don't feel like doing what I'm doing.
• When I have slept badly
• When I am inattentive
• When I have no motivation
• When I take on too little
• When I take on too much
• When I lie in bed and am on my cell phone.

When there is a relapse, I do intense self-inquiery.

Template:

Date:

Relevant incidents today:

What I am proud of:

Learning:

Date: 18.12.24
Relevant incidents today:
- Was horny for a bit around 10.30, then ate a piece of chocolate and was fine again.
- Looked at the shelves again and again to find the anatomy book.
- Drank non-alcoholic beer in the evening: had trouble concentrating afterwards, didn't feel like drawing flags or anything challenging.
Sleep: Slept poorly, need for P was present in the morning.
Evening: fell asleep quickly, didn't masturbate
Difficulty: 4/10 in the morning, 0/10 in the afternoon
Supplements: Day 4 of Iboga approx. 0.14 g, calm head, good basic mood
What I am proud of: I wrote 5 applications

______________

Date: 19.12.24

Relevant incidents today: 

Felt horny several times in the afternoon between 12:30 and 13:30, no immediate plan what to do. Just observed it, nothing happened. 
Before dinner I was on YouTube and saw on the reels that there were revealing women. Ignored them, but felt a brief surprise.

In the evening I typed in “keycaps” and saw that someone was offering hentai keycaps. I only noticed it, there was no reaction.
Sleep: Awake in the morning, slept very well
Difficulty: 1/10
Supplements: Day 5 of Iboga approx. 0.22g, very good mood while walking and day 1 of Tyrosine
What I am proud of: Wrote 6 applications, went for a walk, had fun, peace and quiet inside me
- enjoyed the day
- Did back exercises
- Reflected a little in the evening
- Practiced flags of Africa
- Reward in the evening: watching Youtube

_______________

Date: 20.12.24

Relevant incidents today: 
Toilet: briefly startled / triggered by YouTube short overview, lewd picture.
Nap: Horny, touching, then left it alone.
After the walk I was in bed, was afraid I'd fall in, but no, then got up again.
Watched documentaries about Africa in the evening. Then came across a page where tribes were shown. Then found myself in a tunnel for a short time to see breasts or more.

Relapse. One thing led to another and then watched porn + orgasm. Thoughts: “I'm fine, it's not a relapse if I just Google Tribes and look at boobs. It's ok, I can stop at any time, I'm not as turned on as usual. I'm not even really horny ”
before that, it announced itself when I thought about how I was behaving after reading with my girlfriend so that she wouldn't notice and wouldn't ask.

Learning: No cell phone in bed, look at my inner thoughts with mindfulness.

Sleep: Slept very well, very good mood in the morning, annoyed and angry around noon
Difficulty: 0/10, 8/10, 8/10, 9/10
Supplements: 0.14g Iboga, very good mood, had a beer at lunchtime, which was not a good idea. possibly due to the fact that I had a headache after the walk. In the evening fondue and about 3 non-alcoholic beers. Felt the alcohol a little.
What I am proud of: 15 today!!! Applications written!

Went for a 1.5 hour walk
Learned 50 Africa flags

Didn´t beat myself up due to relapse.

_________

Date: 21.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Nothing worth mentioning.
In the evening on the suburban train I was briefly sick and my head was spinning as if I was going crazy (possibly due to solipsism, iboga or something else, sugar excluded as I had a licorice before)
Sleep: Slept well, a bit annoyed around noon, neutral to very good in the afternoon and evening
Difficulty: Whole day 2/10
Supplements: 0.14 Iboga
What I am proud of: Read and finally meditated again for 10 minutes, concentrating on exhaling and thinking “think” when thoughts came and back to breathing
Going for a walk, learning flags

___________

Date: 22.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Nothing worth mentioning.
Out and about with Steffi and Patrick in the evening.
Then did something with GF in the evening and then an orgasm with myself.
Sleep: Slept well, good mood, 
Difficulty: 2/10 in the evening 8/10
Supplements: 0.11 Iboga
What I am proud of: Walked and read

__________

Date: 23.12.24
Relevant incidents today: Mobile phone in bed at midday, listened to yoga nidra and played around on my phone, then fell asleep. Nothing happened.

In the evening: went to bed with my cell phone because I didn't have my watch on. Then the fear came up that I would now reach for it and watch porn. When I wrote these lines, the fear went away. The fear went away.
thought like:” Now it's too late anyway, you should have just put the cell phone away. For the next time you know“ so perfidious, how this part wants to fuck with me!!!
I realize I'm a little horny and my head is shaking/active at the top right. 
Fell asleep very late and slept badly.

Changes: Put cell phone away right away in the evening, and no more sexual thoughts in the evening, don't challenge anything. Either sexual fantasy or sleep. As soon as the brain area is active, I can no longer sleep. Arm hurts too.
Sleep: 
Difficulty: morning and afternoon 0/10, midday 9/10
Supplements: 0.13 Iboga
What I am proud of: Walked and read, and read some interesting things on actualized forum

__________

Date: 24.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Yoga Nidra at noon, everything ok. no need today.
Sleep: Slept badly but was able to learn after a few coffees
Difficulty:
Supplements: 0.13 Iboga
What I am proud of: I did some brainstorming in the cafe this morning, cleaned up Notion. In the afternoon I had good conversations with my girlfriend's cousins (Dieter & Christa side)
______
Date: 25.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Wanked off briefly with orgasm after getting up. Otherwise no need all day. In the evening at 8pm the need came up. Wanted to work on my next YT video. Also had 2 non-alcoholic beers today.
Sleep: Slept well
Difficulty: Evening 6/10
Supplements: 0.18 Iboga
What I am proud of: Overcame triggers 2x in the evening today! Super Leo 😊😘
______
Date: 26.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Nothing worth mentioning. I read with Nalie in the evening. Didn't feel like reading a psychology book so I downloaded a novel. super Leo! Meditation did me a lot of good. Concentration on breathing and then, when a thought comes, “thinking” thinking and back to the breath. 15min.
Sleep: 
Difficulty: 2/10
Supplements: no iboga today, but 2 capsules of tyrosine instead
What I am proud of: Meditated, drew lots of flags in the evening, potted with GF and her sister 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Leeo_SA

[Candle]

See these playlists : 

 

 

 

 

These are not videos, they are playlists. Click the playlist button (three lines)  to see the list. 

Maybe they can help.

Maybe you can find an accountability partner on this forum. 

I also watch porn (and masturbate daily) but I don't have any problem with it. I also have to decrease the frequency but it's okay, if I don't want to change now. I don't create unnecessary frustration in me. 

47 minutes ago, Leeo_SA said:

consume every 1-3 days for 4-5 months followed by 3 months with no consumation at all 

That's normal. So do you wanna decrease it further? 

47 minutes ago, Leeo_SA said:

because I promise myself all the time, that I am not doing it again, and I break the promise, I cannot trust myself anymore

Happens with all of us, if the commitment isn't stronger than the deep rooted desires. At least you shouldn't create unnecessary resistance in ur mind if you fail to do something, I mean, at least accept the reality.

Then think about the solutions too. Bcz you don't want to accept the problem. 

40 minutes ago, Leeo_SA said:

When there is a relapse, I do intense self-inquiery.

Don't create stress. I have done this and I know from experience that it won't lead you anywhere. Don't waste your time & energy. Only do things that are effective. 

📌 The more you try to remove an addiction, the more you will be addicted. You need to do something else. You'll have to figure this out "once and for all". 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Candle

[Leeo_SA]

@Candle Thank you for your resources, I am going to watch those playlists.

Yes I want to decrease it to 0 bc it is destroing my motivation for my life purpose and my happiness. 

I know, bc of that I learned not to beat up myself if I relapse. 

Thank you for your input!

[Candle]

31 minutes ago, Leeo_SA said:

Yes I want to decrease it to 0 bc it is destroing my motivation for my life purpose and my happiness. 

📌 No no noooo. It's such a big misconception. I have also had that. You can't decrease it to zero. You don't have to be a world champion wrestler. Even champions might not be so. 

📌 You can do it, but it will require either extreme training or extreme focus on a life purpose (busyness). 

📌 One insight I have (I maybe wrong), if you take care of your health and fitness, you won't want to do it often.

📌 You can reject your weaker cravings and accept stronger ones. But whatever happens, never regret. Bcz it's only YOU doing it. 

📌 I have posting limits, so I may not be able to reply for the next 12 hours. 

Edit : 

I used to get upset a lot when I masturbated once in 2-4 days. And my conditions were miserable. 

Now I have accepted the reality, I do it daily, and I feel better than I used to feel earlier. I don't focus on my addiction.

Of course I will decrease the frequency later, when I make a strong commitment to Health. 

If you have high sex drive, don't supress it. When you actually need it, you can do it. 

Edit : alcohol or smoking is a different matter. they must be zero. you can overcome them only by a therapist or a very strong motivation (fear). 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Candle

[Leeo_SA]

@Candle I don't See it that way. It is an Addiction, Are you telling the first point also to an Alcohol Addict? Consuming a bit is Not an option ... why do you think Like that?

[Leeo_SA]

@Candle I see your point after you edited, you mean not quitting with masturbation / sex, there we are on the same page. But I want to quit to jerk off to porn bc then I have a non existing sex life with my GF and struggle to keep on motivation on my purpose. 

I quit smoking and alcohol due to respect to myself and seeing it as a social construction for dealing with emotions.

I agree with you that good health and fitness are important. I add life purpose, healthy dealing with emotions, feeling your own needs and being aware of your different states during the day.

[Candle]

My take on porn :

Porn addiction has negative effects on brain.

Get rid of it asap if it's ruining your relationships. 

I masturbate in such a way that it feels like real sex. I simply can't masturbate in a rough way (using hands). Many people do it, I can't. It's already very pleasurable for me. So I can do it even without watching porn.

I watch porn for 5-10 minutes just to arouse myself. So it's okay, and not an addiction for me. 📌

But daily masturbation & orgasm is an addiction which I have to remove. 📌

• Orgasm addiction is not too problematic bcz it causes just a lack of good chemicals/nutrients in body, which can be replenished any time. 
• "Too much" porn is problematic bcz it affects your neuroscience. 
• Alcohol or smoking is very bad, it actually damages your body. 

 

Social Media :

I am rarely addicted to it. I have many smart methods for this, I have manipulated the algorithm. My feeds never show me low quality reels. And it's not addictive even if I have Instagram installed on my phone. I open Instagram, but I don't even want to click on reels button. 

Social media addiction is a symptom. Don't fight the symptoms. Fight the roots.

Everyone has a different psyche, so my approach may or may not work for you.

Edited December 28, 2024 by Candle

[Leeo_SA]

13 hours ago, Candle said:

Get rid of it asap if it's ruining your relationships. 

Yes, that is my plan.

13 hours ago, Candle said:

I watch porn for 5-10 minutes just to arouse myself. So it's okay, and not an addiction for me. 📌

Really or is it just your Egos excuse because you dont want to admit yourself that you are addicted? No offence, just asking. I had the same view and tried to stop watching porn for 1 month. I was not able to do that so I saw that I was addicted.

______

Date: 28.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Nothing worth mentioning. 
Sleep: good sleep
Difficulty: 0/10
Supplements: 0.18g iboga 
What I am proud of: I walked for 90min while listening to podcasts and music, was very happy today, meditated, drew lots of flags in the evening

[Something Funny]

@Leeo_SA what if your porn addiction is just a coping mechanism?

[Leeo_SA]

@Something Funny I know it is a coping mechanism for boredom, feeling overwhelmed, not being in harmony with my needs, stress, bad mood.

[Something Funny]

@Leeo_SA i see

[Candle]

11 hours ago, Leeo_SA said:

Really or is it just your egos excuse because you dont want to admit yourself that you are addicted? No offence, just asking. I had the same view and tried to stop watching porn for 1 month. I was not able to do that so I saw that I was addicted. 

I was also doubtful about it and questioned this to myself. But I am being honest. I enjoy porn but I'm not addicted. 

I know I can go without it for a month. Cz I am already getting enough pleasure from imaginary sex. 

I'll do a challenge to confirm this. @Leeo_SA

 

[Leeo_SA]

1 minute ago, Candle said:

I was also doubtful about it and questioned this to myself. But I am being honest. I enjoy porn but I'm not addicted. 

I know I can go without it for a month. Cz I am already getting enough pleasure from imaginary sex. 

I'll do a challenge to confirm this. @Leeo_SA

 

Ok, good for you.

Nice Idea, maybe there Are others in this Forum who wants to join your challenge 😄

[Leeo_SA]

Date: 29.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Was a really good day. Yesterday evening I had cravings and started to see the thought in my head as a thought I didn't see it as a command to follow. Helped!!
Sleep: good sleep
Difficulty: 0/10
Supplements: 0.13g iboga 
What I am proud of:

• Very productive morning
• Tieded up Notion
• Cleaned shoes
• Done Introspection
• Went out for a walk
• Saw some friends in the evening
• Saw some videos about addiction

[Leeo_SA]

Date: 30.12.24

Relevant incidents today: We drove back to our home today. I was not in a good mood in the car, didnt know why. was tired, exhausted. At home I was somehow filled with pressure and was angry. After meditation I felt a bit better.
Sleep: good sleep
Difficulty: 1/10
Supplements: 0.13g iboga and 1 capusle Tyrosine
What I am proud of: Sexually active with GF, tieded up my stuff, ended drawing flags, done 2x meditation.

[Leeo_SA]

Date: 31.12.24

Relevant incidents today: Nothing special.
Sleep: good sleep
Difficulty: 1/10
Supplements: 
What I am proud of: 

Date: 1.1.25

Relevant incidents today: Had a really nice 3.4g mushroom trip today. Discovered reality and myself. I took videos of myself speaking to me for insights in my life aso. It did go well but 3-4h longer than usual (I think due to iboga micrososing).
Sleep: good sleep
Difficulty: 1/10
Supplements: 0.14g Iboga and 1 capulse Tyrosine
What I am proud of: I was amazed by the intelligence of our existence. I really want to share my deepest greatfullness of my life. For that, I am doing my meditation praxis and sometimes mushrooms.