Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

On 31.12.2024 at 9:39 PM, Jannes said:

A refined articulation: Finding existential beauty in fucked up situations to heal peoples traumas.

I still think that this is about right.

Basically I seem to have a strong innovative, creative drive on the one hand and a spiritually, lovely, empathic drive on the other hand.

 

I reached very high levels of consciousness when I was a kid. When I take a nap at noon I sometimes get in touch with it and clearly remember that this was part of my lived experience back in the day. And I would just like to share that feeling with everybody because everybody would heal from it.

The question is if I even want to express it direcetly though because there are many ways to express it indirectly. Could be through music, humor, just being around people, art ( the iPhone is such an example. Back in the day still with Steve job the iPhone was such a piece of innovation and beauty that basically the iPhone and boobs gave me the feeling that some higher force in the universe must exist )

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

I still think that this is about right.

Basically I seem to have a strong innovative, creative drive on the one hand and a spiritually, lovely, empathic drive on the other hand.

 

I reached very high levels of consciousness when I was a kid. When I take a nap at noon I sometimes get in touch with it and clearly remember that this was part of my lived experience back in the day. And I would just like to share that feeling with everybody because everybody would heal from it.

The question is if I even want to express it direcetly though because there are many ways to express it indirectly. Could be through music, humor, just being around people, art ( the iPhone is such an example. Back in the day still with Steve job the iPhone was such a piece of innovation and beauty that basically the iPhone and boobs gave me the feeling that some higher force in the universe must exist )

On 24.11.2024 at 5:59 PM, Jannes said:

Heartbroken

Project for sometime in the future perhaps. Imagine you have a large block of glass, shaped like a heart preferably and you let that thing explode in a thousand pieces. Then you put the pieces all together into something new and beautiful. The metaphor is obvious but beautiful and also deep because there are an infinite number of ways to put the pieces back together.

If you could find material which breaks in ways that are suitable for building (like Lego) you could make a set out of it and sell it. A creative project for heartbroken people to heal.

 

#

[Jannes]

👆 This is exactly what I had in mind. It comines ingenuity with spiritually lovey dovey. But I dont even feel that much of a drive to do this. WHY!?

[Jannes]

A guy in my theatre group just got accepted to an acting school. I always thought that he was incredibly bad at acting. But he just put everything in it and did it. I cant decode my feelings right now but I am guessing there will be some jealousy the future to the degree that I would want to do acting myself which I dont know if I want so that will be interesting.

[Jannes]

The Adhd self help group last time wasn’t that good. That’s the first time. Luckily I have it today again. I don’t think I spoke about anything even but other people seemed to spoke about important things on their heart.

The girl in this group I had a certain connection with also didn’t come this time. It makes me think that adhd people can also don’t just understand themselves easily. I saw a study that showed that two adhd people are usually a worse couple then one adhd person and a neurotypical person. This hits me a bit. If two adhd people would understand each other perfectly then one could argue that adhd isn’t that much of a sickness because it wouldn’t create double standards, because if they need a person without adhd that seems like they need someone to balance them out. Two healthy people can get along, two toxic people dont.


I am thinking about strategies on how to deal with my adhd currently. A big one seems to be that it’s hard to get out of the emotional state into the prefrontal cortex for doing tasks because the brain lacks dopamine. It suggests that whenever you get into the emotional soup, you should take ACTION to get out of there, dealing with your emotions by feeling through them doenst work because the brain never has the dopamine to win the fight and get out. But then on the other hand am I not surpressing emotions? It’s a difficult balance to strike. I feel like a combination of both worlds would be to talk to someone. Working on finding someone for that..

All of that taking action thing and other events in my life got me into socializing a lot again. Its often in patterns, I try to do it a lot, get exhausted and crawl back into my shelf until it too lonely. I see pros and cons to socializing, on the one hand I actually feel more emotionally in touch with myself especially in my belly area, on the other hand I could go insane from all the bullshit of other people.

Today I thought about theraphy again like: "omg what am doing with my life. I am wasting years being unsucessful because I barely get by emotionally. Everything falls because I am not in my power. I need to stop everything I am doing and go to theraphy. Afterwards I can enjoy life again."

I liked Leos analogy of trying to change a conservative like trying to change a biting dog who is so fucked up so that he instinctively becomes agressives when one tries to change/ come close to him. Thats me when I am emotionally ungrounded. Of course I dont actually become agressive but act out in ways that builts a distance.

[Jannes]

On a self care afternoon I went to IKEA and found something I absolutely loved. This customizable wall. I got one in a little smaller. You can add all kinds of hooks, pins, shelves, rubber bands... to it. I got all kinds of stuff to keep as an option. This 1) speaks directly to me. Its analogous to how I want to live my life, in a self customized way and 2) exactly what I need for organization. I barely took my omega3 when I had to take it based on memory, but then I got a simple pill box that I fill up every week easily like dog food and I never forget it. Some easy fixes can help me immensily. So I will buy a magnetic white table and will do my organization based on the Eisenhower Matrix. And then this customizable wall is right at the side and parellel to a given task on a paper I can put the tools to complete the task on the customizable wall. For example, if I need to bring a parcel somewhere, I can put it in a bag and hang it on a hook on the customizable wall, ready to pick up - like an Appetizer, you dont have to grab deep into the refrigerator.

Lets see how this goes, I am looking forward.

[Jannes]

I almost didn’t go to the self help group today, as it wasn’t that helpful the last times. But I spent the last days a lot by myself and my emotions were all over the place so it was a good way to get in touch socially. Well the session itself wasn’t that good it really was all about the one girl. Although not quite at one point people talked about which friends they had and many had friend groups of completely neudivergent people as they couldn’t hang out with other people. That’s so interesting as I never formed friendships with adhd people so that might be something to figure out for myself if that works. After the session we had an after talk outside which was really good. Another guy told me about sometimes accidentally flirting in some context and I finally opened up saying I have similiar issues and that I was scared talking about it in the group. He said that it’s a bit of a self love kind of thing. (searching for love in flirting) Interestingly another person independently of that said that I was lacking that as well. I certainly lack social self love (that part of myself) but I do think I have high self love for myself besides that. But it was such an opening and connecting talk, something I only experience on rare occasion my whole experience of reality flipped quickly.

Key points:
I starve for connection.

Key questions:
To which extend are my social problems caused by a lack of self love?

 

I felt like bloated ballon, so empty before and then I just got a rush of life energy. From that point I see the world differently. Interestingly acting becomes more attainable and working as a teacher more boring. Becoming a teacher seems to be more of a survival mode decision, acting not so much/ something that seems interesting only if other criteria are met.

[Jannes]

Yesterday I had my last day working as a temporary math teacher for a fith grade class. It was quite an emotional experience. I dont think I ever experienced so much love before. As soon as I reminded them of that fact so many students expressed that they dont want to leave in such a sweet way. Even though my technical teaching skills sucked it was always very important for me to built an authentic connection maybe that was why.
I always thought that the technical skills were something I could be got at but maybe not so much the social part but it is switched now although I think that I can learn the technical skills as well, its all about preparation.
I also wonder if I would be as nice if I had more self confidence. Maybe if I had more self confidence I would be become arrogant which could ruin it all. Probably not but if so probably not completly, hard to tell.

[Jannes]

There are some big frictions within myself which I wasnt entirely conscious of.

That one I knew: I hate hypocritical "moral" people. I especially need to hate it because I easily fall into the trap of using morality as a defense mechanism because I am often in weak social situations so without that thick hate wall of hate as a defense mechanism I would fall into dellusion.

That one is way more hidden: I am often a bit fake to other people. I act and tell myself thart I am interested in other people but I am really not. I need to lie to others and myself about it otherwise I would be utterly lonely. I sometimes signal that I need emotional support. When I get it I often loose all interest and drop these people. Ouch thats painful to admit.
But my brain just works like that, most non-adhd people become unstimulating very fast, my mind switches emotions quickly and my mind is bad at long term planning (building friendship out of reason), its all about the moment.


I very much want to be more authentic to other people and more confident in my own way, the reasons for why I couldnt do it were hidden from my consciousness.

If I can actually bond with other adhd friends then these problems could be solved. At least the few bonding moments with adhd people in my self help group gave me a glimpse of that vision. The next steps are clear. Lets get to know some adhd folks.

[Jannes]

"Why dont you talk about your emotions?"

My emotions:

 

Edited April 7 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I know that I want to create something that is truly meaningful. I cant really find anything though because I want it to connect to something profound.

I need to realize god (which I want to do anyway) and gods beauty and intelligence which will help me find something that is truly meaningful.

For the god realization I need to become mentally stable and clear.

 

Plan: Become psychologically healthy, do spirituality, create god-like cool shit. Easy. 

I am thinking about theatre plays again.

Edited April 5 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I very much appreaciate these short mini films. And I think I could be good at creating them as well as it connects deep psychological understanding which you cant really get out of textbook but moreso through intuition and the wild creative expression of these insights.

 

Its just that I dont know if I could sit around on my chair all day to create that. I need a stimuating environement to get me going. I recently even heard that many AD(H)D people work in emergency services because they thrive in high stimulating environements. Well I dont have enough experience to tell if I could work on a project without much outside distraction IF I found it highly interesting (stimulating).

If not this would be the environement where I would thrive in:

 

[Jannes]

I had moments where I thought about working on an emergency hotline for suicidal people, or becoming a social worker for criminals or heck even becomign a stripper. I never really knew what interested me about these things but what all of them have in common is that they are in highly stimulating environements.

[Jannes]

I took a crumble of a Medikinet Tablet (adhd medication) today. I didnt want to take it anymore because I felt like it changed me to much but I was in such a low the last days I couldnt think of another option. Just that one super small crumble today led me to work on a task which felt so unpleasent I could have delayed it forever with not enough inner emotional regulation control to attack it. Took another even smaller crumble 5 hours later - I went to the gym and I am stil feeling motivated and optimistic and ready to change my current situation. Even all the social problems are kind of dissolved, I coudl actually socialize like everybody else because I have enough dopamine to independently from other people be in control of my emotional state.

Many people take up to 3 tablets a day, I might have taken 1/8 of a tablet today... (interesting)

[Jannes]

A situation yesterday triggered me and made me angry (without medication). That instantly got me into a mindset where I thought I could socialize. Basically I can work with any kind of stimulation and make something out of it but most of the time the tank is just empty.

[Jannes]

I had a big talk with the leader of the association I am in. I was to scared to do this talk basically for years. So this was a huge moment. I also dont have the best connection to the leader which made it difficult. I talked about many of my social problems in my association, there are still many things I havent touched on which would be too much but I shared a good bunch. Dont know how to feel about it now, I am a little scared of the consequences. But I feel a lot of emotional clearity.

[Jannes]

Key new insights about my problems:

So with ad(h)d you have more awareness then other with the cost that you can regulate it less. This created certain problems for me that others dont face. In the social context for example I can see all the little signs of interest even from people way below or above my current status. This makes it problematic for me to settle in. I think most people will think of themselves as having a certain status and act from that framework, meaning they will be happy to have friends and romantic partners fitted for their status and their consciousness will hide interest from people below or above. For me this isnt the case as much. Even when I feel like a nobody I can still see that people way above my perceived status can be interested, which made it difficult for me to settle, because I wanted to settle with the best option that was available for me and I am conscious that people with high status have interest yet at the same time I dont feel worthy for them. And I dont want to use a person in the middle ground as a spoungeboard to help me feel better about myself so that I can reach the high apples.

I have had plenty of people where I felt emotional interest in that moment and which suited my sense of self worth but I didnt go with it because I knew that I could do much better.

And interestingly its also very hard to get emotional support because of it. Because with my perceived low status people will automatically be somewhat corrupt, wanting to support me sure but not to the extend that I would outgrow them. Yet I know my potential.

[Jannes]

This feels a little embarrassing. I did some Impro acting in a new group today and there is this guy who works in a Kinder garden. When we did a scene together today I was in a moment where I didn’t know what to do next, a bit of an emotional overload and I think he had an eye for that and just said that’s not so important and changed the direction and I immediately lived up. I felt a deep sense of comfort all throughout the day.

I basically need people who help me when my emotions or triggers get out of control because I don’t have enough dopamine in my system to do it myself. And immediately I will feel a deep sense of comfort and everything will work magically. That’s what it seems like.

But in a sense it’s just love. I think I haven’t gotten love in some way. I was way better at self love years ago as well.

[Jannes]

Today in the self help group the girl I talked so often about came again. It was a 6 week pause since I saw her. Actually the combinaion of the talk with the leader, the good situation yesterday and relatively little stress right now I actually felt pretty emotionally balanced which is a complete contrast to a few weeks ago. And I realized that I bonded or started to bond with that person out of desperation. So that was weird. II needed to rewire that from my new state. If I bond I dont want to bond out of desperation but from a healthy state of not neediness and then from that you can look for support.
Well I was so emotionally out of touch that this wasnt possible.

[Jannes]

Interestingly though that brought me into a very conscious state in this self help session today. I could literally activate parts of my brain through focus and played with it. I made kind of wave movements which felt stimulating.