Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Behind all the social problems I talk about there is a deeper layer.
I am just incredibly hurt. Yesterday I had a short moment where I was conscious enough to see that usually I am not conscious about the hurt that I feel because I couldn’t take it all at once it would destroy me. I need a place to heal. A few years ago when socialization went okay and I just moshroomed a few days before (which was usally very healing) I suddenly had a moment when driving on my bike where I was suddenly hit by an emotional moment of like "maybe I can start trusting people again". I thought it was a little weird and odd because it wasnt compatible with how I thought about myself and my problems. A week ago I experienced the same subtle thing though where everything went well and I was like maybe I can start trusting people again.
It seems that this is a deeper more hidden layer that I cant access right now.
And it makes perfect sense with everything I experienced since childhood.
And it explains why the moment of connection to other people can feel so unbearable because the unconscious is fighting it at least thats one explanation.

All the other things I mention can be partial truths as well but they are all a lower order of problem then this deep sense of hurt and rejection I cant access right now.

 

And I have a sense that socialization becomes a lot more effortless when this is tackled. Just a few days ago connecting to people felt that much better/ even effortless and I was confused myself.

Edited April 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

The talk with the leader of the club I had a a few weeks ago had an incredible impact on me. Its so important for me to talk about my problems. Part of my healing process will definitely include people I talk to on a regular basis.

[Jannes]

A few days ago in my adhd self help session a women and a guy talked about working on their own. The guy talked about wanting to work on his own because he is tired of all the fakeness and dishonesty at work and she basically does cleaning on her own and basically gets contracts from her boss but works on her own for the most part and that seemed to shape her. Later that session the women opened some gummie bears then took off her cappie and put the gummie bears into her cappie to eat them out of there. It seemd so goofie.
That picture stayed in my mind. Just the survival situation of being truly independent will significantly take you out of group think and open your mind to new possibilities. I shoudlnt underestimate that.
I kinda want that freedom.

Edited April 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Thanks chatgpt for the summary!

 

Here’s a summary of your post and the forum discussion around your Life Purpose (LP) and mental health: 

🔍 

Core Themes (Your Own Contributions)

 

1. Your Situation

You’re 25, living in Germany, studying math & philosophy for middle school teaching.

You have inattentive ADHD, which severely impacted your emotional stability, focus, and academic progress.

You’ve started taking ADHD medication and noticed it helps ground you in reality, even though it makes you feel less dreamy or “intelligent” in the abstract sense.

 

2. Struggles with Life Purpose

You’ve completed the LP course but don’t yet feel clarity or inspiration around your LP.

Teaching is practical, provides stability, and could offer insight into society and psychology—but doesn’t feel like your purpose.

Acting is fulfilling emotionally and creatively, but might be just slightly off from your true LP and feels unstable as a career path.

 

3. Values and Spiritual Roots

You resonate with values like critical thinking, creativity, empathy, authenticity, and existential/spiritual beauty, but they don’t yet cohere into a clear LP.

As a child, you had mystical experiences and a deep spiritual optimism. You feel like you lost that due to emotional and social struggles and are now trying to reconnect with that source.

Your clearest idea so far: “Finding existential beauty in difficult situations to heal people”—but you’re unsure if this value is authentic or driven by your own unmet needs.

 

4. Mental Health Insights

The LP course unintentionally highlighted your deeper mental health struggles: long-term semi-depression, social isolation, low self-worth from bullying, and unresolved trauma.

You’ve found theatre helpful for self-expression and confidence, but it has also been a source of emotional pain.

You’re not sure if you’re passionate about anything right now—possibly due to depression clouding your emotional clarity.

 

💬 

Forum Feedback (Selected Responses)

 

▪️ Xonas Pitfall

Encourages combining visual storytelling (art, media, animation, acting) with spiritual/philosophical insights.

Suggests building an online presence for future financial support and creative outlet.

 

▪️ High-valance

 (also ADHD)

Validates your feelings and encourages passion-led exploration.

Emphasizes a balance of “career capital” (building skills and mastery) and self-discovery.

Notes the chicken-and-egg problem of depression vs. disconnection from meaningful work.

Supports the idea that healing others through beauty might also heal yourself.

 

▪️ The Renaissance Man

Stresses that marketing is key to turning LP into a sustainable livelihood.

Argues that it’s not enough to be good—you must be visible and market your value.

Encourages you to at least learn the basics of business/marketing early, even before mastery, to motivate and give clarity to your LP journey.

🎯 

Your Current Summary Position

You’re in a phase of healing + exploration, trying not to rush into false certainty.

Your direction feels existential, creative, and spiritually rooted, even if it isn’t yet concretely defined.

You prefer to build structure slowly, through things like teaching, theatre, ADHD support groups, and perhaps later integrate entrepreneurship, marketing, or creative content.

🧭 Potential LP Directions You Mentioned:

“Seeing the existential structure in fucked-up situations to love reality profoundly.”

“Expressing metaphysical bliss to heal people existentially.”

Creating plays or stories that reflect deep existential struggle and redemption.

Possibly connecting philosophy, psychology, and art/theatre to deliver meaning and beauty.

[Jannes]

🩺 Overview: Your Inner Situation – Roots and Symptoms

🌱 ROOT CAUSES (Core wounds, deep patterns, unconscious processes)

 

1. Unprocessed Emotional Wounds

You’ve been emotionally hurt in the past, but much of that pain was unconscious for a long time.

You likely didn’t have the space, safety, or tools to fully process what happened — so the pain sank into your psyche without becoming fully integrated.

Result: You developed strategies to survive emotionally rather than thrive authentically.

 

🧠 This is the deepest layer: unresolved emotional trauma that still informs your perception of intimacy, self-worth, and connection.

 

2. Conditional Belonging & Survival-Oriented Empathy

You seem to have learned — consciously or not — that your value in social groups depends on your usefulness (emotional support, insight, warmth).

That leads to hyper-adaptive behavior: you sense what others need and offer it, but suppress your own.

This empathy is often real, but it’s also a survival strategy, rooted in the fear that just being you may not be enough to be wanted.

 

✳️ This creates a split: one part of you deeply wants to be seen, the other hides behind roles.

 

3. Loneliness and Identity Without Mirror

Your unique sensitivity and complexity weren’t mirrored growing up — you weren’t truly reflected.

Without a matching mind or heart to meet you, parts of your identity remained formless, unsure, drifting.

Over time, this has created a chronic feeling of disconnection, even when you’re surrounded by people.

 

🪞 This is a spiritual and developmental wound: a lack of deep witnessing in early life.

 

4. Neurological & Energetic Disruption (ADHD)

Your inattentive ADHD adds a biological layer: difficulties focusing, filtering, regulating emotion.

This likely exacerbates emotional turbulence and inconsistency — and has shaped how you move through academic, social, and creative life.

It affects your sense of flow, structure, and inner peace.

 

⚙️ This is not the core wound, but a powerful amplifier of the others — it scrambles your inner rhythm and makes integration harder.

[Jannes]

Some of the things I love about acting is that acting doesnt know moral, its about letting the mask of and letting the devil shine. People who want to act moral are boring. It takes expertise about the workings of the devil. Moral people and people who arent connected to reality are bad actors in my experience and the ones who are most in contact with reality are the best.

I also like the intensity and letting go of control acting can have.

[Jannes]

On 29.3.2025 at 6:22 PM, Jannes said:

After the session we had an after talk outside which was really good. Another guy told me about sometimes accidentally flirting in some context and I finally opened up saying I have similiar issues and that I was scared talking about it in the group. He said that it’s a bit of a self love kind of thing. (searching for love in flirting) Interestingly another person independently of that said that I was lacking that as well. I certainly lack social self love (that part of myself) but I do think I have high self love for myself besides that. But it was such an opening and connecting talk, something I only experience on rare occasion my whole experience of reality flipped quickly.

I felt like bloated ballon, so empty before and then I just got a rush of life energy. From that point I see the world differently. Interestingly acting becomes more attainable and working as a teacher more boring. Becoming a teacher seems to be more of a survival mode decision, acting not so much/ something that seems interesting only if other criteria are met.

I have had a weird moment with an adhd-borderline person today. We talked for quite a while. He was one of these people I actually felt some kind of resonance with as I wrote before. Well the talk was good an I felt some connection again but near the end of the conversation it started to feel a little weird as it seemed that he intentionally but very uncirdectly wanted to built some kind of connection which ended in him actually saying that he senses some kind of connection and offered a handshake. From a certain point of view it might seem like a bit of an insecure/ goofy way of building a first contact but for me that kind of destroyed a good chunk of it. Its like the connection was there because we were both avoiding and I got comfortable in that. Now that an intentional connection is being built I feel weird. This might hit the core of my problems right here.

Interestingly I also sometimes overload people with being to honest about interest.

Edited 14 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

Otherwise I felt like shit today. I cant be disciplined on my own. I would be much happier right now doing some shit job because it would get me out of my place. My mental health got a lot better when I worked at a supermarket before because I was always in the real world out of my circulating thoughts and processing shit even though the work sucked so much. And still at the end of the day I had all kind of philosophical thoughts because I could turn down my brain during work and so I had space left.

But this kind of job would probably make me depressed in the long run and doesnt qualify me for anything else in case my symptoms get better in the future.

Something practical would suit my mental health more right now. As an alternative I should make my studying more practical where I can. Well that starts with sozialization.

[Jannes]

This was like 5 years ago. I also had the same problem with not being able to build connections and only doing it lightly on the surface with eye contact/ smiles etc. I didnt see it as much of a problem back then. I could control it a lot less though. The smile was connected to something very beautiful though like this inner spiritual connection from back in my childhood and the smile was the last gesture in which I manifested this part of myself clearly and everytime I did it I touched that piece of consciousness. I realized though how many problems it created as I flirted with everybody randomly and so I didnt do it anymore and immediately lost the connection to this spiritual part of myself which was kept alive through this particular smile. Tragic, super Tragic, but I didnt know what else to do and hoped I could get it back someday.

Anyway there was this girl though which kind of got it or even got it better that I did. She was the only one to ever get it until this point. One time she smiled back so hardcore. Its like I didnt know really what my smile was connected to but she knew somehow and gave it all back to me. I only looked at it briefly before shyly looking down. One of my biggest regrets in life because that smile could cure cancer. I maybe never looked at something more beautiful and full of free love before at that point.

Well I didnt manage to actually built that connection up, I was way to scared and ungrounded. But from that point I wanted to own her for that love. At least thats how I felt like. This reveiled to me that I am the devil. You get overflooded with free love and your first instinct is to take that love for yourself.

How could I !?, How could I !?, How could I !?!?!?

My mind immediately goes into protection mode.


Bottom line, I tell myself that I only want free (uncorruoted) love. But maybe I wouldnt even be able to give that back!? - If you ask for free love, does that mean you have nothing to offer? Maybe I have to accept what I am which could free me to live with other people.
Well there are a few instances afterwards where almost free love was exchanged. Not to the same intensity though.