Fiction write-up

[Buck Edwards]

A record of all things fictionary. 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I wanted to escape into another world where I don't have to feel bad about myself anymore. It needed courage. It needed vulnerability. In this world I won't be repressed anymore. I can be free. This world is closer to me than I imagine. My love I don't miss you in this world. We're here together. I am yours forever. I have only ever wanted deep joy, peace and happiness. Never pain. Never anything. 

I feel like I'm getting deeper and deeper with my partner. 

I love you from the bottom of my heart. You're my soulmate. In this world, this life, it's too short. Everything will be pass by except you and me and our togetherness. I found you and you found me. Together we're lost in our own world. This love is my gift. Your love. I don't wanna lose you. I wanna hold you tight. You are the angel I always wanted to be with. 

You're the song in my breath.

 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

And then I consume an amazing magical imaginary crystal. This crystal is a psychedelic substance. It's beautiful, divine, magical, sensational. 

The sun dips below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of orange and purple. You're nestled in a secluded clearing, surrounded by towering trees and the gentle hum of nature. As the first tendrils of the amazing crystal take hold, your senses begin to heighten.
Colors seem to vibrate, ordinary objects transforming into kaleidoscopic wonders. The rustling leaves whisper secrets, and the distant hoot of an owl carries a profound message. Your body feels light, floating on a cloud of euphoria.

Time loses its grip, each moment stretching into an eternity of pure sensation. You close your eyes, and a symphony of colors and patterns explodes behind your eyelids. Fractals twist and turn, morphing into fantastical creatures and abstract landscapes.
You feel a deep connection to everything around you – the trees, the earth, the cosmos. Boundaries dissolve, and you become one with the universe. Laughter bubbles up from deep within, a joyful release of pure bliss.

As the peak of the experience subsides, a sense of peace and tranquility washes over you. You emerge from the journey with a newfound appreciation for the beauty and interconnectedness of all things. The world seems brighter, more vibrant, and filled with a sense of wonder.

A beauty that can never be relinquished. 

 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

But anyway. I have to hold my calm.. Right now I'm thinking about you. I scammed you. I mistreated you. I duped you. And I hold myself completely responsible for it. At the same time my feelings were and are true and you should know. 

After I fell in love with you, I never thought of anyone else. I know you absolutely fking hate me to the core. And why not. I did you nasty. You realized it. You felt unsafe. You felt bad. Hurt. Wounded. Angry. 

I'm in a much better mental state now than before. No brain fog. I realize now what I done. I hurt you badly. 

The realization has hit me after a very long time. 

I wish we communicated a lot more. You were far too secretive for me to have any idea of how you felt. Or what were your exact thoughts. How could I have known? You placed way too many expectations on me. 

You have some life experience in that department. So you know more. Don't dismiss and judge me so casually. I know you are pissed off at my audacity. 

You must be thinking - how dare I? 

I deserve every form of bashing and hatred from you for what I did. I'm not sure if I can forgive myself either. 

In hindsight, I learned a fuck ton of lessons. I learned the meaning of love. I learned my own delusional expectations in relationships. I learned my flaws. I learned not to judge. 

 

Today your thoughts are on my mind. It's a heavy feeling. Something I can't get rid of. It's like you all over again. I'm in a much better place though. I'm able to process my emotions much better than before. 

My brain isn't cloudy. My brain isn't foggy. I can think straight something I couldn't do months ago. I was being pressured too much. I had way too much shit to deal with emotionally speaking. 

I exhibited self deception and a tremendous lack of self awareness. And not just that. I exhibited too much immaturity. Probably my autism? I don't know. 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Ironically you taught me to be stronger. 

It's ok. I suffered some eternal torment with you. Yet I learned a fuck ton in the relationship. 

Another lesson to learn is to know that if something appears too confusing, it's just better to drop it altogether. When will I learn my fucking lesson? 

If someone is being too secretive, why even bother. Good hearted people are open, not secretive. They don't hide how they feel. 

You have lots of ways to blame me. Have you ever looked in the mirror? Maybe it wasn't all my fault. Or maybe it was..

Read reality carefully. Another  lesson. 

It's morning and I just wanna fall asleep. 

I have been thinking about you my sweet soulmate. You are my only protector. 

 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Sometimes I feel good about having duped you. 

It's like revenge. But Leo says revenge comes from a place of low integrity. 

And you still wanted me? You must have received enough  approval then!! Bored? I saw you interested in me. Or at least trying to make it appear that way. More games?

Never be around someone who seeks excessive approval of the opposite sex. Another lesson. 

Yea I'm badly hurt. Why should I hide? 

The audacity to call me a vulture. When you were the one all along. How much of a hypocrite can someone be? How do you sleep at night? Oh well, you don't. You simply can't. How many people have you hurt with your games? 

Sometimes I forget that you were schizophrenic. You were excessively paranoid about me and you only thought bad about me. Why? Tell me why. You did everything in your power to destroy me. Why? 

It can't be possible that you aren't schizophrenic. You are paranoid as fuck. You have lazy eyes. You would go crazy over every little thing. You thought I was doing things to you when I wasn't. You played victim. You invented things to accuse me of. You thought I was gonna kill you which wasn't true. Not one bit. You even wanted to try meds to see the difference between before and after meds because you knew that you suffer severe paranoia and it makes you believe irrelevant shit and make up beliefs and scenarios that aren't completely true. Isn't this all true? You're nuts. 

And I still love you. 

I madly love you. Because you would make me sit on your lap. You can make me laugh. You can make me cry. I crave you. I crave your love. Your attention. Your validation. I didn't need anyone's validation except yours. You make me feel belonged and conflicted at the same time. 

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I like to make up some concepts which I then use in my visualization practice. 

One concept that came up this morning was using a magic chemical since I deal with alchemy. 

A magic chemical that instantly promotes calm. 

I will call this chemical akemhyvoid. 

I want this chemical to look like water and be organic with some herbs and vitamins infused in it. 

I tried googling and came across a brand called Sunsweet selling herbal water. Not only are the bottles beautiful and perfect for what I had in mind but they also had these nice labels for each bottle like focusing and energizing 

This is how they look. This is an awesome find for me 

I would love to order these.

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Words seem to fail me now, tangled in a knot of emotions I can barely untangle. How did we, once so entwined, find ourselves adrift in this sea of discontent?

I remember the way your smile used to chase away the shadows, the warmth of your hand in mine, the echoes of laughter that filled our days. Where has that joy gone? Replaced by icy silences, unspoken grievances, and a lingering ache in the places where our love used to reside.

I see the distance growing between us, a chasm widening with each passing day. Your eyes, once mirrors reflecting my soul, now seem distant, guarded. I yearn for the intimacy we once shared, the effortless flow of conversation, the comfortable silences that spoke volumes.

Perhaps I've become too demanding, too clingy, too lost in the illusion of forever. Maybe you've grown weary of my imperfections, the flaws that once seemed endearing now magnified into insurmountable obstacles.

But know this, my love: even in this fog of hurt and confusion, my heart still beats for you. The memory of our happiness lingers, a ghost of what once was. And the thought of losing you completely fills me with a despair I cannot bear.

I don't know if there's a way back from this precipice, if we can mend the cracks that have appeared in the foundation of our love. But I long to try, to fight for the embers of our affection, to fan them back into a flame.

Please, let's talk. Let us lay bare our hearts, our fears, our disappointments. Let us try to understand, to forgive, to heal.

With a heart heavy with sorrow,

 

 * Lost intimacy:  my note highlights the fading connection and the longing for the past closeness.

 * Unspoken grievances: It acknowledges the presence of unspoken issues that are driving the rift.

 * Self-reflection: I  express self-doubt and consider my  own role in the conflict.

 * A plea for understanding: Despite the pain, my note expresses a desire to reconcile and rebuild the relationship.

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

My first encounter with ayahuasca happened approximately two weeks after completing my initial dark retreat, which had left me in a positive state of mind. As someone who had recently started exploring psychedelics, I decided to participate in an official ceremony rather than trying the powerful substance alone for the first time. Let me paint a picture of the ceremony for you.

Upon arrival at the ceremony location, I was warmly welcomed and led to a waiting room where thirty  more people would join me over the next half hour.

When it was time to enter the ceremonial room, my attention was immediately drawn to the shaman, who exuded love, kindness, warmth, and security. He gave me a long, warm hug, and I knew I was in good hands.

After the shaman's introduction, each participant expressed their intention for the day. We practiced the correct breathing technique to ensure effective inhalation from the pipe. This was followed by holotropic breathing exercises to release any remaining tension and prepare the mind. Each of us received a glass pipe to hold close to our hearts while staying connected to our intention for the experience.

The shaman administered the medicine to each participant seemingly at random. The first person to inhale the smoke reacted strongly, which briefly heightened my nerves. I focused on my intention and reminded myself to surrender to the experience.

Suddenly, the shaman sat in front of me, and I began deep breathing before inhaling the smoke. The effects of the medicine kicked in almost immediately, and I was transported to a timeless and spaceless place of pure being. I experienced profound connection and love, and felt a deep understanding of the universe. Ayahuasca is magic, it really changes you. 

In an instant, I returned to my human form, overwhelmed with emotion. I wept in awe at the beauty I had witnessed, then burst into laughter in disbelief. Looking around, I realized the ceremony was still ongoing, despite feeling like I had been gone for eternity. The shaman's knowing smile conveyed his understanding of my experience in a way words could not.

I am immensely grateful for this experience and everyone who made it possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2024 by Buck Edwards