life is passing me by. no will to continue living anymore.

[Conscious-]

I’m 22 years old, a mediocre man who has failed at many important college entrance exams. These failures weigh heavily on me, leaving me feeling like a character from a Kafka story—lost and insignificant.

To cope, I’ve turned to spirituality and philosophy, hobbies I can pursue alone since socializing scares me.

My romantic life is no better. I’ve never had a girlfriend and, at 22, I’m still KHHV. This fact fills me with shame. I focus on self-improvement, hoping it might lead to something better someday.

The one thing I excel at is going to the gym. I joined nine months ago and have made good progress—I can bench press 90 kg now. It’s the one area of my life where I feel accomplished because all it takes is dedication to sleep, food, and training. The gym has become my only source of hope.

I recently finished my Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. My college life was surrounded by awkward, smelly nerds like me. The job market is tough, and landing a decent job seems nearly impossible, so I’m planning to apply for a master’s program next year.

At the start of 2024, I set a goal to get into a good college for my master’s. I failed the exams this year, so I have another year to prepare.

I feel super self-aware, like the protagonist in Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. That book feels like my biography.

I don’t enjoy much in life. I have no addictions to food, drugs, or alcohol, mostly because I don’t have money. Whatever I do have, I spend on protein and a bland gymcel diet, just so I can lift more at the gym. The gym is basically all I do.

I feel like having a girlfriend could fix my life.

but dating is super hard this post encapsulated how I feel in dating

The expectation for men to be completely self-actualized before even entering the dating market is absolutely ridiculous. : r/PurplePillDebate

Mainstream events and celebrations don’t appeal to me. Today is Christmas, and soon it will be New Year’s. But I know I’ll still be miserable.

I don’t enjoy being alone. I crave having a woman in my life. Every kind of media I consume—movies, music, books—seems to revolve around women, love, and sex. I can’t relate to any of it because I’ve never experienced romantic feelings myself.

After watching videos by Leo, I realized that I want a girlfriend just to validate my existence. Relationships seem to be an ego game.

In my spiritual journey, I’ve consumed content from countless gurus. They talk about the ego, the mind, and escaping it through “ego death.” But it all feels abstract and distant.

When I desire sex, it doesn’t feel like an ego thing—it feels like a basic need of the body. By writing this, I’m justifying my need, but it’s how I truly feel.

I’m a virgin, and I struggle to interact with women. I’m 6 feet tall and somewhat jacked, yet I feel like an abused dog—unworthy of love.

My mind constantly tries to justify my wants and needs as though they’re supreme. At this age, when my hormones are active, all I think about is sex. I wonder what I’ll desire when I’m older, and I’m sure I’ll justify those needs too.

Life is passing me by. My dad never had the money to let me go out, have fun with friends, or travel.

thank if you read this.

i just needed to let out my feelings. maybe ChatGPT will analyse this and tell me about myself.

 

[Conscious-]

this is post i wanted to link

[Buck Edwards]

Having a girlfriend won't fix your life. Building your confidence and self esteem will. 

Build your life up with baby steps. It's never too late. Don't spiral into your own thoughts and let them eat at you. 

You can do now what you can do tomorrow. Start with simple things. Remember there's always hope no matter what and don't judge yourself so harshly, most things in life are overrated. What matters is how you grow and how you feel inside and how you get by everyday. 

You'll be fine. Just work on yourself little everyday. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

Sounds like you’re doing fairly well with some small and bigger hangups and that’s part of life. That’s why we improve so we can have more of the life that we dream. But this will be a constant thing if you chose it to be. Once you get a girlfriend maybe you will experience a temporary high of sorts and then fall down again so you can continue improving. Someone told me once that the darkness in our lives is to help us grow and show us how amazing we really are. You are not insignificant, and being lost is how you find yourself <3

[Conscious-]

 

 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2024-12-25 at 7:54 PM, Conscious- said:

KHHV

What does that mean?

[Candle]

On 12/26/2024 at 0:24 AM, Conscious- said:

mediocre man who has failed at many important college entrance exams

My intuition told me after reading this that he must be an Indian male. And I was right. 

I have also failed in some exams bro. I know it's hard. But start afresh with a new motivation. At some point you will have to bounce back. 

13 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

What does that mean?

KHHV is an acronym standing for kissless, handholdless, hugless virgin.  

Edited December 30, 2024 by Candle

[Sugarcoat]

You absolutely don’t have to be all self-actualized to date. Do self actualization if that’s what you truly want to do for yourself, otherwise do something else. Everyone in relationships haven’t done it, it’s probably a minority. It’s okay to fail some in life, like those exams you mentioned, it can happen to anyone. It’s also okay to be virgin at your age I’m 21 and a virgin too for mental health reasons. Struggles standing in the way for dating. I don’t have much will to keep going either so (not because of virginity I don’t care about it) but for other reasons, so I relate to you there. You’re not alone

Edited December 30, 2024 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, Candle said:

 

KHHV is an acronym standing for kissless, handholdless, hugless virgin.  

Ok didn’t know

[Ulax]

I’d recommend on looking into:

1. Attachment work

- IFS therapy (See www.ifsbuddy.chat)

- Ideal Parenting protocol (Search the subreddit for it)

- Depth psychotherapies (ie gestalt, psychodynamic, Jung)

- EMDR

2. Somatic work 

- Somatic experiencing 

- Trauma Release exercises

- Massage

- Yoga & Stretching

If you have the time/ resources, I’d recommend doing one of both category.

Edit: I saw you have limited finances so I’ve bolded what you can do for free.

Edited December 30, 2024 by Ulax

[Conscious-]

@Ulax i will look into what you mentioned but it feels like they are all that tells me what the problem is which I already identified maybe I will find something new idk. I feel that therapy focused on connecting with one's own feelings and analyzing them is entirely wrong for someone who is as self-aware as I believe myself to be.

 

 

[Conscious-]

There's always a reason to feel sad. And sadness can often feel more real and fuller as an emotion than happiness, and you get sort of addicted to sadness. Like I said in my post, it's mostly ego and validation-seeking behavior, and sadness and pity are something that give more attention from people if you are rather happy.

I don't know, I don't think we know for sure but that's my speculation. @Ulax

@Candle

[Leo Gura]

The solution is just to work every day on building a good life based on timeless principles. Less overthinking and self-pitty and more action.

Pursue your passions, what you find meaningful, and higher values.

Get a job in a big city with a good nightlife. Work during the day to make money and socialize at night to meet girls. Do this consistently for 5 years.

You are capable of doing this.

You don't need a masters degree. You need to build your life.

Don't waste too much time and energy at the gym, invest that time and energy into socializing and building your career skills or finding a job.

Gym will not solve your issues. Masters degree will not solve your issues.

You need job to make money to move to a good city to socialize. Focus all your effort on that chain.

22 is extremely young. That you don't have a girlfriend is no problem at this age.

Edited December 30, 2024 by Leo Gura

[Husseinisdoingfine]

On 12/25/2024 at 1:54 PM, Conscious- said:

My romantic life is no better. I’ve never had a girlfriend and, at 22, I’m still KHHV. This fact fills me with shame. I focus on self-improvement, hoping it might lead to something better someday.

Using incel slang and linking "purplepill" subreddits is a red flag. I've had sex, its no where as good as you imagine it. Stay far far away from all incel propaganda. 

 

Also, you have a Bachelors Degree, I would kill to have that. If you've been following my forum drama, then that should give you an idea of my situation. 

 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Husseinisdoingfine

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

The solution is just to work every day on building a good life based on timeless principles. Less overthinking and self-pitty and more action.

Pursue your passions, what you find meaningful, and higher values.

Get a job in a big city with a good nightlife. Work during the day to make money and socialize at night to meet girls. Do this consistently for 5 years.

You are capable of doing this.

You don't need a masters degree. You need to build your life.

Don't waste too much time and energy at the gym, invest that time and energy into socializing and building your career skills or finding a job.

Gym will not solve your issues. Masters degree will not solve your issues.

You need job to make money to move to a good city to socialize. Focus all your effort on that chain.

Spot on.

[numbersinarow]

On 12/25/2024 at 7:54 PM, Conscious- said:

I don’t enjoy being alone. I crave having a woman in my life. Every kind of media I consume—movies, music, books—seems to revolve around women

Shakespeare tends to be about women. And a lot of books deal with a male's relation with a woman. Shakespeare and Poe will never be first rate intellects because they had a too optimistic view of women. Nietzsche is the opposite deal since he goes too far when saying women are inferior (AKA when talking about that topic), but at the same time he prefaces his criticism, the only criticism he would ever go on to apologize for, with saying that it's only his truths being told. A lot of bad books tend to be about women too, if you let the mainstream tell you what to read you'll be reading tons about romance.

As for the music, that just means you probably should find different music to listen to, or already have but are exaggerating.

[puporing]

At least you are into something.. I have no attraction to vast majority of people in this world nor do they to me. I literally cannot find 1 single human on this planet to (truly) relate with, let alone "dating someone" roflmao. I'm still here though I guess.

You are also lucky that you are not some gender freak.

I'm just saying, there's more ways this could go wrong.

Edited December 30, 2024 by puporing

[RendHeaven]

11 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

I've had sex, its no where as good as you imagine it.

I hear this opinion frequently from men and women alike.

In all cases this declaration amounts to no more than a self-snitch.

Like someone who picks up a violin for the first time, utterly fails to make any coherent sound, and concludes that violin is "overrated"

[Ulax]

14 hours ago, Conscious- said:

@Ulax i will look into what you mentioned but it feels like they are all that tells me what the problem is which I already identified maybe I will find something new idk. I feel that therapy focused on connecting with one's own feelings and analyzing them is entirely wrong for someone who is as self-aware as I believe myself to be.

 

 

The bolded therapies aren’t just about connecting with feelings and analysis. They are based around changing your attachment styles and actively letting go of traumatic reactions in your psyche 

[zurew]

16 minutes ago, Ulax said:

The bolded therapies aren’t just about connecting with feelings and analysis. They are based around changing your attachment styles and actively letting go of traumatic reactions in your psyche 

Random question:

Do you have any comments/opinion on spiritual awakening making therapy redundant or is that a huge cope and it is just spiritual bypassing?

 

Because imo, just because someone has the realization that they are not the ego, its not clear whether the problems and the maladaptive habits/behaviors of the injured ego will go away.

Edited December 31, 2024 by zurew