life is passing me by. no will to continue living anymore.

[Conscious-]

I’m 22 years old, a mediocre man who has failed at many important college entrance exams. These failures weigh heavily on me, leaving me feeling like a character from a Kafka story—lost and insignificant.

To cope, I’ve turned to spirituality and philosophy, hobbies I can pursue alone since socializing scares me.

My romantic life is no better. I’ve never had a girlfriend and, at 22, I’m still KHHV. This fact fills me with shame. I focus on self-improvement, hoping it might lead to something better someday.

The one thing I excel at is going to the gym. I joined nine months ago and have made good progress—I can bench press 90 kg now. It’s the one area of my life where I feel accomplished because all it takes is dedication to sleep, food, and training. The gym has become my only source of hope.

I recently finished my Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. My college life was surrounded by awkward, smelly nerds like me. The job market is tough, and landing a decent job seems nearly impossible, so I’m planning to apply for a master’s program next year.

At the start of 2024, I set a goal to get into a good college for my master’s. I failed the exams this year, so I have another year to prepare.

I feel super self-aware, like the protagonist in Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. That book feels like my biography.

I don’t enjoy much in life. I have no addictions to food, drugs, or alcohol, mostly because I don’t have money. Whatever I do have, I spend on protein and a bland gymcel diet, just so I can lift more at the gym. The gym is basically all I do.

I feel like having a girlfriend could fix my life.

but dating is super hard this post encapsulated how I feel in dating

The expectation for men to be completely self-actualized before even entering the dating market is absolutely ridiculous. : r/PurplePillDebate

Mainstream events and celebrations don’t appeal to me. Today is Christmas, and soon it will be New Year’s. But I know I’ll still be miserable.

I don’t enjoy being alone. I crave having a woman in my life. Every kind of media I consume—movies, music, books—seems to revolve around women, love, and sex. I can’t relate to any of it because I’ve never experienced romantic feelings myself.

After watching videos by Leo, I realized that I want a girlfriend just to validate my existence. Relationships seem to be an ego game.

In my spiritual journey, I’ve consumed content from countless gurus. They talk about the ego, the mind, and escaping it through “ego death.” But it all feels abstract and distant.

When I desire sex, it doesn’t feel like an ego thing—it feels like a basic need of the body. By writing this, I’m justifying my need, but it’s how I truly feel.

I’m a virgin, and I struggle to interact with women. I’m 6 feet tall and somewhat jacked, yet I feel like an abused dog—unworthy of love.

My mind constantly tries to justify my wants and needs as though they’re supreme. At this age, when my hormones are active, all I think about is sex. I wonder what I’ll desire when I’m older, and I’m sure I’ll justify those needs too.

Life is passing me by. My dad never had the money to let me go out, have fun with friends, or travel.

thank if you read this.

i just needed to let out my feelings. maybe ChatGPT will analyse this and tell me about myself.

 

[Conscious-]

this is post i wanted to link

[Buck Edwards]

Having a girlfriend won't fix your life. Building your confidence and self esteem will. 

Build your life up with baby steps. It's never too late. Don't spiral into your own thoughts and let them eat at you. 

You can do now what you can do tomorrow. Start with simple things. Remember there's always hope no matter what and don't judge yourself so harshly, most things in life are overrated. What matters is how you grow and how you feel inside and how you get by everyday. 

You'll be fine. Just work on yourself little everyday. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

Sounds like you’re doing fairly well with some small and bigger hangups and that’s part of life. That’s why we improve so we can have more of the life that we dream. But this will be a constant thing if you chose it to be. Once you get a girlfriend maybe you will experience a temporary high of sorts and then fall down again so you can continue improving. Someone told me once that the darkness in our lives is to help us grow and show us how amazing we really are. You are not insignificant, and being lost is how you find yourself <3