spontaneous ego death

[patricknotstar]

 

twice in my life I've had near ego death. It happened the same way both times but different locations. Both times I was dead sober, infact I've never done psychedelics before. 

The first was when I was skipping class and laying on my back in the back of my car. Suddenly I felt my body begin to vibrate. Not subtly but very violently as if I was strapped to a plate compactor. I could also here a loud whirring sound, as if you were on an airplane and the window next to you were to break off. I could sit up but I wanted to ride this out. 

Then a portal of indescribably intense white light surrounded by fractals opened up above me and began to pull me. The closer I got the more amnesia I developed, I could no longer remeber names of family members, where I was. As I got closer the amnesia deepened I couldn't even recall my name at this point and was losing grasp even of the concept that I am a human being. 

I was becoming nothingness. Now shapes and sounds continued, sensations continued but the entity that was there to observe them and give meaning to them which I call "I" was dissipating. 

As I got closer I knew I was only a step away from absolute cessation and I began to panic that's when I snapped out of it and the portal closed and everything went back to normal.

The second time I was laying in bed and snapped myself out very quickly cause I knew where it was leading. 

 

I don't think this experience made my more spiritual. Instead it frightened me, I don't want to go into cessation and become nothingness. It honestly felt terrifying and disappointing.
 

I imagined my first spiritual experience would be fantastical. The feeling of my consciousness being elevated and become more aware. Instead it was the opposite and felt like everything was closing in including my sense of self. I hated it, I hated the fact that reality could even produce such an experience. 

 

I honestly wish I had just been raised some fundamentalist christian and had a simple world view that made me feel secure. That I could believe in heaven. 

 

Instead I was raised agnostic and have had to battle this existential dread and uncertainty around death my whole life. However I have no choice, you can't force belief. 

Edited December 23, 2024 by patricknotstar

[Hojo]

When I would get sleep paralysis I would get it so much that I started playing with it and I would go into it then force myself out and go into it and force myself out. When forcing myself out I would get the sensation of being in a car on a highway with all the windows rolled down. Maybe your higher self was forcing itself out of this.

It is very scary to enter the nothingness but the bright side is the universe cant stay the same so if you get rid of that fear then you can hopefully jump into it without the fear.

This is essentially spirituality getting used to jumping into the nothingness with no fear and trust in God. Thats where trust in God comes from jumping in there happy.

Cool that it happened randomly but also scary, to be in the middle of a conversation and just start dissapearing would be awkward.

Edited December 24, 2024 by Hojo