I used to be ”great”

[Wizardking]

THE ”GREAT”

5 years ago I started my personal development journey. The first two years were amazing. I meditated and journaled daily. I started a company that went pretty well. I was in peak physical shape. Elite level strength and my diet was flawless. I started making music during my spare time and loved it. I quit porn and practiced sexual discipline with women and never failed. Women were obsessed with me. My friends used to say I was a machine. I did whatever I set my mind to without fail. They looked up to me and always went to me for advice and support. One thing tho, I wasn’t really in contact with my emotions. Maybe this is why I was able to act like a machine. I had never really consciously experienced anxiety for example. Back then I barely understood the emotion when people talked about it. Everything was going great but then…

THE DESCENT INTO CHAOS

One day I made the stupid decision of going on a date with my ex from before I started doing this my personal development work. We got back together and I slowly fell apart. I’m not blaming her. I was not good either. But it really broke me in some sense. We stayed together for one and a half years and during that time I slowly descended into chaos. She introduced me to some new friends and we started partying all the time. I started abusing drugs. Mostly LSD and MDMA which were drugs that had previously helped me immensely but now I was using them to party, not heal. Had some really bad trips that awakened a lot of negative emotions in me. During one DMT trip I encountered a really mean entity that just bombarded me with hate. Since that experience I haven’t been able to get the voice out of my head. Goes in periods tho. Also, the police arrested me once and it was really traumatising. They forced me to get naked in the middle of a parking lot and then put me in a cell for 12 hours. More to it but long story. 
 

THE (ATTEMPTED) CLIMB BACK 

I finally broke it off with her. It was bad. And after the break up I was lost and stupid. I have empathy and understanding towards myself but I hate looking back at how I was acting. I was a mess. This was one and half years ago. Since then I’ve tried to get back into my old ways. I try every day but never seem to be able to. Can’t get into good habits, can’t get rid of bad habits. I don’t understand what the blockage is. I’ve been going to therapy but it doesn’t really help. I try and try and try but nothing I do seems to work out. It’s gotten to the point where I’m burnt out because of it (diagnosed by doctor). 

 

MY QUESTION 

Does anyone have any idea what I might be doing wrong? What I might be missing? I’m worried that I’ve broken myself..

Any help would be really appreciated. Thank you for reading

[Xonas Pitfall]

Hey man, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that - it sounds deeply traumatizing. Big applause on actually getting out of the toxic situation, takes balls. 

The answer is simple, though it might be annoying to hear. Once you started your self-development journey five years ago, you built up strong momentum and reached an insane peak. Now, you’re using that peak as a reference point, but sadly, you’re not at that level anymore. However, you haven’t "broken" yourself permanently - only temporarily. You need to focus on taking the smallest wins you can achieve and be satisfied with those, slowly building yourself back up. If you keep comparing yourself to how you were 3-5 years ago, you’ll never feel satisfied with any progress you make. Momentum is the keyword here. You need to build up momentum and self-belief again.

You’ve already done something incredible by escaping the toxic environment and friendships that held you back. You’ve set yourself up in a great place to rebuild. You’ve proven before that you can grow, and you can absolutely do it again. But the most important thing is to stop comparing yourself to who you were "before." Whether consciously or subconsciously, if you keep doing that, you’ll block yourself from appreciating any progress you make. Nothing is permanently broken. Start small and celebrate any step forward you take.

For example:

• “Today, I meditated for 5 minutes - hell yeah, I’m a winner.”
• “Today, I removed one unhealthy item from my diet - hell yeah, I’m a winner.”
• “Today, I did 5 push-ups - hell yeah, I’m a winner.”

The only thing you need right now is momentum - nothing else. And you can build it with small wins.

I’d also suggest reflecting inward and writing, or just contemplating, to identify any limiting beliefs that may be holding you back. “My time has passed.”, “I’m fundamentally broken.”, “I’m so traumatized, nothing can fix me.”, “I screwed up my only chance.”, “Why did I do that? I’m so stupid. I’ll just screw it up again.”

You need to challenge and destroy these beliefs, but the first step is becoming aware of them. You won’t remove them instantly, but awareness is the starting point. From there, begin “grinding” your way forward with small wins. Forgive yourself and move on, nothing is lost. Don't worry. You were smart enough to stop it before it got worse, awesome.

Alternatively, you could explore tools like supplements, ADHD medication, focus aids, or even psychedelics (if it aligns with your values and is done responsibly) to gain some chemical or physical momentum.

For now, though, your main focus should be asking yourself, “What’s the smallest progress I can make today?” With or without external aids, every small step adds up. The more progress you make, the more your body and mind will crave that winning feeling. Right now, it might feel like a “loser” mindset is holding you back - like, “Why try? A loser can’t win.” But small victories will help shift your mindset and allow you to see yourself as capable again - one step at a time.

[Xonas Pitfall]

One thing that might also help (just a suggestion) is asking GPT or any AI to make a future projection for you over several months, showing how your life could look, or tracking a specific metric.

For example, if you want to lose 20 kg, you could ask GPT to calculate the rate of calorie deficit and pounds lost per week that you can realistically expect. It could create a table showing your weight progress for each day over six months. Having something like that can help keep you motivated and on track.

The same principle can work for finances - writing out how much money you’ll gradually accumulate in your bank account - or for other areas of life. You could even use Photoshop or AI tools to visualize your dream physique or imagine the kind of relationships you want to have. Or project the growth of something you’re working on, like a community or social following, and track how much progress it could make over time.

The goal is to spark hope and inspiration. But even if that doesn’t come right away, just showing up daily - even in the smallest ways - is already a huge win. For example, meditating for just one minute a day and slowly building up to 15 minutes over six months is still far better than doing nothing (0 minutes) for six months. The same idea applies to anything in life.

You’ve already been successful before, so you probably know this stuff to some extent. You likely just need some support to remind you: “You’ve got this, dude. Don’t overthink it. You’ve done this before, and you can do it again - even stronger this time.”

Lastly, having a support system - whether it’s a community, a friend, a mentor, or a family member - can make a huge difference. Accountability and having someone to encourage and push you forward can do wonders. There are plenty of online communities, and I’m sure you could find at least one person who could help influence you in the right direction. You don’t have to do it all alone. You’ve already seen how much influence a bad group of people can have over you. Now imagine the impact a group of driven, inspiring, self-improvement junkies could have on your life. Really should get your blood pumping.

Edited Monday at 09:50 PM by Xonas Pitfall

[M A J I]

You are still great @Wizardking I can relate with your experience, happened to me too, you are a beam of light but most likely had no guide or master to support you, so the dark seeped their way in through your ex and substances which only dimmed your light more, because you had initially took the purer path, your light is very powerful and attractive to every dark energy around you, so you have to be exceptionally strong and grounded in your truth the more light you emit to not get consumed by the darkness of the world, and I know the feeling, there is nothing like it, no substance can replace it, effortless freedom of being. This is why Jesus was attacked and tortured so much, his light was so bright it attracted all darkness unto it.

The biggest wake up call for me is that we cannot heal in an environment where we became sick and traumatized, we need to move elsewhere, and start life anew, start fresh, new people, new friends, new places, even family must go if they are toxic to you, and be somewhere more aligned with your level of awareness and consciousness, even if its alone in nature, sometimes this is the best of all to heal and come back to yourself. Feel free to send me a message if you need a private discussion. Lately playing the didgeridoo and shamanic drum and chanting has helped me a lot to dissolve trauma.

We have to really delve deep into what we did and how we lived back then on a daily basis, how much more devoted were you to god, to truth to your meditations ect... out of the 24 hours of the day compared to today? I know it can suck cause it may have taken you a lifetime of suffering to get to that point of profound freedom, only to feel like we've lost it all over again, almost entirely, yet its still there, very close under our noses, and requires a little effort, support and boost again, to eventually become effortless. I was fortunate to have a big garden back then where I could spend hours a day in nature connecting with Source and detached from the world around me, when that was removed it became far more challenging.

I realized when we are in nature, on the ground, with the earth, we are totally protected from the dark side of consciousness.

 

[Buck Edwards]

It sounds like you've experienced a significant setback in your personal growth journey, and it's understandable that you're feeling lost and frustrated. The experiences you described, such as the bad trips, the police arrest, and the tumultuous relationship, likely caused significant trauma. Trauma can have profound and long-lasting effects on the mind and body, impacting your emotional regulation, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships. You mentioned that you weren't very in touch with your emotions before your descent. Now, it seems that you're grappling with a surge of intense emotions, both positive and negative. These emotions may be overwhelming and difficult to manage, leading to self-destructive behaviors. The "mean entity" from your DMT trip and the internalized criticism you experience may be contributing to a negative self-image and low self-esteem. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, making it difficult to break free from negative patterns.

Your relentless efforts to "get back on track" may be counterproductive. Trying too hard can lead to exhaustion, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness. While therapy can be helpful, it's crucial to find a therapist who is a good fit for you and who specializes in trauma-informed care. You can find that one. Instead of focusing on what you're "doing wrong," practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that you're going through a difficult time and that healing takes time.These methods can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. They can also help you cultivate a sense of inner peace and calm.Consider seeking out a therapist specializing in trauma-informed care. They can help you process past experiences, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild your sense of self. You have to remove the trauma stored in your body. 

Engage in activities that you enjoy and that help you feel good in your body.

Instead of trying to "get back to where you were," focus on small, achievable goals. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. I do this often. I call it the reward technique. 

[Recursoinominado]

Don't shy away from your greatness.