Serious childhood trauma I am in a desperate situation

[Happy Jay]

Hello, I am 26 years old man, and I have been living with these symptoms for 20 years. Feelings of worthlessness, comparing myself to others, demonizing and fearing women, unsuccessful romantic relationships, unsuccessful sexuality, fear of making money and spending it, an overwhelming resistance to action, indecisiveness and fear of both succeeding and failing, reluctance to take risks, blaming others, self-hatred, paranoia about betrayal, dreams of being extremely high, powerful, and wealthy but almost zero action. I know that if you could experience one day in my mind, you would understand how exhausting all of this is.

 

The reason I'm writing all of this is that I am now in an incredibly hopeless situation, overwhelmed with fear. I know that no one can help me but myself, but I feel too weak to help myself. About 4-5 years ago, I began psychoanalytic therapy and did everything I could, with over 1200 sessions. I still try to talk, but I can't move forward beyond a certain point. Intellectually, I almost understand everything, but emotionally, there has been no progress — not even a 1% improvement. There's no fundamental character change, not even a slight reduction in symptoms.

 

For years, I've been biased against antidepressants, thinking they would suppress the truth instead of helping me see it. Now, out of desperation, I want to let go of this belief and try them, but I still want to ask others with experience or knowledge about it. From what I've read, antidepressants can not only block psychoanalysis , but also support reducing the intensity of symptoms and help the exploration of unconscious material. How real is this? I know that I can’t know for sure without trying, but I’m afraid of doing so.

 

Currently, I’m at the brink of a breakup, and I can't even describe how humiliated I feel about my partner wanting to leave me. I am also facing significant difficulties at work. Considering my current mental state, it's hard to perform well, and if I lose my job, I’ll be in an even more hopeless situation. Without therapy, abandoned, and buried under all this suffering, getting out of this will probably take a miracle.

 

Psychedelic therapy is illegal in Germany, and I wonder whether it's worth the risk. It might make my mental state even worse, potentially. Anyway, as you can see, I feel overwhelmed by fear and helplessness. I would appreciate any advice on dealing with deep childhood trauma, as well as recommendations regarding antidepressants. Thank you in advance to everyone.

[shree]

1200 sessions and no significant progress.

Have you considered why you stayed in therapy for so long? Could it have been a form of escape or a way to avoid deeper emotional work?

Have you tried lying in the dark and allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully, locating where they manifest in your body?

What about journaling? Writing your thoughts down can help bring clarity and uncover patterns or emotions that might not be clear otherwise.

Additionally, low doses of psychedelics can sometimes help you connect with suppressed emotions and access the source of your pain.

 

[ted73104]

It's hard to understand your full situation, but my guess is that you're locked deep in defense mode. The trauma you're experienced throughout your youth has caused a lot of negative emotions to be trapped within you. Therefore under this climate, the only thing you want is to feel better. The therapy sessions that you take, they help you to not only understand your situation, but also to justify what happened to you. So what you're doing is that you're using the information that you've learned to fortify yourself while you try grasp and fully understand the pain of what actually happened to you.

You're probably 100% resistant to any change right now, because you want to accept yourself as you are. However I think at your stage, that is not possible unfortunately. I have to say anyone in your position would feel exactly the same as you are feeling, and would have a very difficult time getting out of this ditch. Unless you somehow become a sage, no one would be able to 100% accept being in your position. So the sad thing is you have to build foundations for change and get of your hellhole. The reason you still feel bad is precisely because you don't like where you are.

Good news is you're very young. You're only 26. Your instinct resists change because you've already put in a lot of effort, but your results are limited. You don't want to suffer anymore from the feeling of being unworthy. However this is probably the problem, what does unworthy even mean, why are you unworthy if you can't meet specific requirements right now? If you get the truly successful people and ask them if they're successful, they'll just tell you how much of a failure they are, how much failures they've experienced in they life. Success is basically only the process of getting back up on your feet when you've been beat down. You need to change your mindset while you plan methods step by step to improve your work ethic, your social skills, your dating life, etc. Give yourself 5 years to change, the world is not over when your twenties are over, your world will only have begun by then. Most people's lives start in their forties!

[Ulax]

I’d look into Trauma release exercises, ifs therapy  and concentration meditations

Edited December 24, 2024 by Ulax

[Happy Jay]

Thank you all for your responses. I am in such a paralyzed state from the pain. I don't know how much I will be able to follow your advice. Sometimes, I feel like I would rather numb myself and not feel anything. But I don't want to kill the last hope inside me. I believe IFS is a type of talk therapy, and my English is not very good, but my German is relatively better. Do I need to know the therapist's communication language perfectly there?

 

[shree]

2 hours ago, Happy Jay said:

I believe IFS is a type of talk therapy, and my English is not very good, but my German is relatively better. Do I need to know the therapist's communication language perfectly there?

 

You will not find IFS therapist so easily in Germany.

Your English/German should be pretty good if you ever find one.

 

Check Teal Sean's Self Love course.

 

[Raze]

Try when therapy doesn’t work by Shelly young and transform your self by Steve Andreas 

Make sure you don’t have low testosterone or low vitamin D

Edited December 24, 2024 by Raze

[M A J I]

John Bradshaw has some excellent books and guided meditations on youtube that may help.

[Rafael Thundercat]

Well, deep suffering and desperation whilr dealing with Complex Trauma is not something one can solve reading comments in a Forum. People here may give several advices. As was shared above. Today there a lot of focus on somatics since we know trauma live in the body. Yes one can reach a lot of understamding via books,videos etc.. but the healing need to go somehow in built capacity in the body to suststain the material that will slowly coming up to integration. Mainly if one is using breathwork or psycadelics. Is not fun and shanty smiles, is sometimes dark and hard. 

Jonh Bradshaw may sound very angry in his series but I feel him. He have this way of expression cause he must know hoe much it cost emotionaly to heal from a fucked up upbringing. 

AliceMiller work cited by him is a must for people in search of healing and for future healers.