My Full Experience After 4 Years

[Ayham]

I have been quiet here for a while, I want to make this post that I think will be of use to many, especially the ones new here, as well as to gain clarity on my situation as well.

So in about a week, I will be 18 years old. I have discovered Leo since I was 14, and have internalized many of the principles preached here, if not all of them. Of course, internalized is very different from “living”, living correct principles is a constant process that goes deeper.

Story
Being from Iraq, a stage blue country, I was severely brainwashed with dogmatic Islamic beliefs from birth; I started questioning them and reading basic books when I was 11, of course, when you are so strongly brainwashed with something, abandoning it is like death, so I naturally resisted and kept trying to convince myself that Islam is true.

I self learned English through YouTube gameplay videos, one of the best things that happened to me (I continued to consume content and read books in English) I then read basic books about spirituality, Eckhart Tolle, Law of Attraction, think and grow rich, etc. (The first turning point) While I liked those new set of beliefs, I was constantly trying to align them with my Islamic conditionings.

The second turning point was when I first watched actualized.org. I was 14, it was summer break, and I found a video of a bald guy with the title “Spiritual Enlightenment - the most shocking truth you will ever hear”, I decided to give it a watch, seemed interesting, I already knew some soft new age ideas about the topic. So I watched the video and everything blacked out (metaphorically), my sense of reality got broken, I didn’t know if I existed or not, I was honestly doubting if I actually exist or not, and I was in a state of fear and panic 24/7 feeling that nothing is real including myself. This goes on for a whole 3 months period, then reality kicks back in, and everything becomes normal, but with a twist.

Since then, I have unlocked a new dimension (metaphorically); it is like staring into the abyss and coming back anew; I was totally blind before that, I couldn’t see anything, after these 3 months everything changed and it never became normal again, you can’t unsee what you have seen.
When I gained my sense of reality back, a few things happened:

• I lost my desire for many things, such as video games, anime and tv shows, and unhealthy food.
• During the void period, ALL beliefs were thrown out the window, including religious beliefs. I started with a fresh plate when the period ended; I could choose my own beliefs (which have solidified now, but in that period, I had no beliefs at all, not even the most basic ones, I would say)
• I began watching all the videos in the “foundational videos to watch” (here: Start Here)
• I began installing one habit per month: meditation, healthy eating, journaling, keeping a commonplace book, contemplation, reading, and exercise (only in summer breaks)
• I was consistent with these to a scary degree (except contemplation); I kept that up for about a year, and the year afterward I was a bit inconsistent with some things but kept most stuff. The year afterwards was 12th grade, which is hell in Iraq. I quit everything because of that.

Here is a simple review of how I have progressed in each aspect of my life and my plans, then I will write some advice maybe:

Intellectually

• I have read about 50 books, on topics ranging from philosophy to psychology to spirituality to physics to history and so many stuff, along with hundreds of long videos on various topics, I LOVE educating myself, about anything, whether it is useless or useful the amount of books is very low, but in my defense I took long extended notes for many of those books and wrote mini essays in my obsidian commonplace book.
• I feel like I have a strong intellectual big picture understanding, which is very useful, I also have very high emotional intelligence, something I trained myself for, I put myself in the position of anyone I talk to, which is why most people I know speak their secrets to me or feel safe expressing their insecurities with me.
• Academically, I was in the best school in my country for gifted students, which was hell actually since I grew up with high academic standards and I got in this school where I was the worst of the best, I was getting 90 as average and was considered one of the worst students which fucked up my self-esteem, because my self-esteem depended strongly on my grades back then.
• I am currently in one of the best uni’s in Iraq, studying “AI and robotics engineering” it is very fascinating to me, I have taken the leadership position in my class, I made a space for my classmates to help them and share learning resources for those who actually want to learn not just pass, I study ahead of the time, I never procrastinate because I am actually interested, I am grinding technical skills such as calculus and programming and all the cool stuff.
• My advice: get into heavy stuff you like (if you like them), whether that’s hardcore mathematics or literature or philosophy or whatever, don’t dismiss it as “distractions from the real work”, a strong intellectual base is crucial before you can transcend it, but don’t become egotistical and arrogant from how much you know
• My goals here: finish Daniel Schmachtenberger's book list, it is outstanding, about 40 books but top quality, and also be good at uni because I love it.

 

Physically

• I am quite skinny, not too skinny but healthy skinny, I am very careful about my diet, back when I first got into health I used to be very strict about “not touching that food ever again”, now I do cheat from time to time from social obligation and social events, and that’s basically it, I have a zero desire for unhealthy food.
• I have terrible cystic acne on my face, back, chest, and it is just hell. I tried every normal medication, alternative medication, elimination diet, and been on isotretinoin (Accutone) for 5 months now, been improving but still terrible.
• I used to map and watch porn a lot; I had a problem with extreme femdom fetish, but to be honest, I don’t think that’s porn induced; I remember I had that fetish for as long as I can remember actually, but for the last few months, I lost all desire for porn and masturbation, not in an erectile dysfunction way, but I simply lost interest because of how much I have been focusing on other stuff, I have been masturbating once or twice a month without porn and I am not forcing anything; I was never anti-porn or with NoFap. The desire simply fell away.

 

Spiritually

• I did daily 30-minute vipassana meditation for 2 years and a couple of times strong determination sitting for an hour; the results were some mental clarity and lessening the addictive desires and impulses strongly, I can’t say it is useless because I didn’t do it at enough amount, I have been trying to do Kriya Yoga as in SantataGamana books but I lack time right now and private space, and I don’t feel comfortable doing my kriyas in front of my family lol.
• I have explored and read books on almost every spiritual tradition, and that has been immensely valuable to me but just don’t get lost in it too much, remember it is just theory.
• Check out my experience with a Sufi cult here: Sufi Initiation Report
• My goals would be to master Kriya Yoga within the next 4 years, and make “aware of awareness” my natural state in day to day, I like Gamana’s approach so I will do that, I just can’t start now, but I will do it eventually, after mastering Kriya and getting what I can from it, I will switch to just “do nothing” as my normal practice, with vipassana retreats.

 

Materially

• So, everything skyrocketed in this domain in the last few months, I have been grinding course certificates, going on volunteers, building my CV, networking and building connections with very big and unexpected people in my field and my cv is just sky rocketing day by day, going on virtual and hopefully in real life exchange programs and volunteering everywhere locally and making connections with so many people, this is something that I neglected in high school, if I started earlier I would have been much better but it is not too late.
• I am starting a project to contribute my life's purpose through, and hopefully merge it with my AI engineering discipline one day.
• I am currently very stage orange; I have successfully fully integrated blue, so now this is the step for me and my focus.
• Advice: please don’t neglect this stuff because you are “spiritual”, also volunteering in local stuff was enlightening for me. The type of people you find volunteering is high quality in my experience, and volunteering unlocked the material dimension for me.

Socially

• I am very introverted, my MBTI is INTJ for reference (and yes I use Jungian cognitive functions), I was shy and awkward all the way throughout childhood and high school, but in the recent months with going volunteering everywhere and being forced to socialize, I got better; I am not the best, but I can fit it; I am good at reading the room and people, but I suck at actually coordinating with that.
• I was in a toxic online relationship; I don’t even count it; it was a just attachment on my part and pathetic, so yeah I never had a girlfriend, and I don’t really care to be honest, like a year ago I really would have loved to find a girlfriend, I just find the whole idea shallow now.
• I have a good amount of friends, many of them are red, blue, orange, but I can adapt to their stage and talk from there so I get along well with almost everyone.
• Since my social position in uni has been great, I have noticed girls hinting at me or acting feminine with me which was interesting (I got awkward lol), one even asked me out for a cup of tea (I was awkward af). 
• Fun fact: middle schools and high schools in Iraq are gender segregated.
   

Mental Health

• Up and down, I love life, but I also have problems.
• I never feel enough, I feel like I am a loser no matter how I achieve, usually because I have too high ambitions, I want to be the best at everything, which I know is immature and stupid, but that’s part of the youngster spirit I suppose lol.
• I have been furious because there is a guy at uni; he is like my competitor; he is not wise or well read in other fields, but he is much, much better at programming and math and our field, he is very advanced, and also extremely extroverted and proficient socially, bro is my age and has a company, a virtual company with people working for him and makes money, it makes me feel like a total loser, but I have been taking the competition very seriously.
• Upon further reflection I noticed that one reason I do feel not enough is because of my father, my father always never showed he was proud of me for anything, and I grew up without him since I was 8, and even before that he was always busy and I only saw him like once a week.
• My mother is amazing, stage green, and it is a positive thing that I never grew up around my father. He is the embodiment of unconsciousness.
• I am a direct ISIS survivor from when I was 7; I had Christian friends that I know died, a bullet almost hit me once, but I never got shocked or affected by it, or like even sad or cared in any way, recalling it, I think I was too young to register the idea of war in my mind so I never got affected by it, I remember playing Minecraft in the basement while my city was at war with not a single care.
• I hate the fact that my family is poor (my father is rich, but he doesn’t help) and I can’t do anything; I mean, I am trying, really; we are three living in a rented house with only one bedroom; I hate being so incapable; I feel useless doing all this work without generating money, but I can’t even generate something good yet. I am working on it though. I hopefully will make it up one day.
• it is just my goals, I have too much goals and I can’t possibly work on it all with my studies and uni and social life, I beat myself up too much, I cannot let go of my goals, I KNOW it is toxic and unhealthy, it works for me though, and I believe I have to go through this phase until I realize from direct experience all this “doing” won’t make me happier.
• I journal very regularly and it is helpful.

 

Advice for Starters

• Study big picture theory first, Ken Wilber stuff, Spiral Dynamics stuff, but don’t hold it as an absolute, question it, question everything, and go deep into the details, don’t spend too much time just getting the big picture stuff or you will just end up as a pseudo intellectual (this only applies if you care about being an intellectual).
• Don’t be too rigid, not engaging with people because they are “superficial” and “normies”, learn to let go and enjoy your life as well, but the difference between you and them is that superficial is something you choose to become depending on the situation, meanwhile it is their normal.
• Your mind is a garden, cultivate it, a garden grows by watering, with correct experiences, writings, thoughts, solitude, and connections, don’t let your garden be disturbed by whoever, set standards for who you become close with, your mind is a high-quality treasure, not everyone should get close.
• Figure out your appropriate stage of development. Many here like to skip to stage yellow or turquoise. I bet most here need to work on orange and maybe even lower.
• Figure out your natural way of doing things, understand yourself more, for example: some people love the chaos and spontaneity. I am naturally an over planner; I trained myself not to do that sometimes, but I still choose the situations where I fall back to my norm.
• Go out to the real world, go to local events, talk to people, sign up for stuff.
• Actually, practice radiating love to people and events in your day-to-day life.
• figure out your life's purpose.
• Cultivating a good spiritual practice, or just a time of complete solitude every day, provides a good balance between the practical stuff above and spirituality.

My Disagreements with Leo

• I believe meditation is almost essential for anyone in this path
• Overemphasizing psychedelics
• Neglecting many disciplines as “distractions” such as western philosophy, politics, science, etc.

---
I am not realized in any way lol; I am just doing self development while chirping at self-realization slowly on the side as a side gig. My advice was stage orange centered not because I think that’s the most important, but because I think most people here demonize it or skip it.

And again, I might change my mind about everything written here. We all tend to cringe at our past thoughts and beliefs.

(shout out to @toasty7718, he messaged me more than a year ago in this forum; he is my age, and even though we are on different parts of the planet, we have been great friends; we talk almost daily and have similar interests and goals; I am glad for meeting him here)

 

Thanks for all the forum members, Leo, and various others that I have known throughout the years here, endless love and growth for everyone, cheers!

Edited 17 hours ago by Ayham

[integration journey]

Amazing read🤍

wishing you all the best.