My ex broke no contact but then ghosted me afterward

[oMarcos]

Tomorrow it can happen to you, so learn from my experience, I guess?

Introduction: I felt the need to share my story because I’ve been struggling with it alone on my own. It might be helpful to get some insights from others, even though it’s impossible to convey every detail of this relationship, as it’s full of nuances only I fully know. Still, I’ll give it a try.

About her: My ex-girlfriend is 21, and I’m 31. Yes, you might be thinking there’s a bit of an age gap here, and you’re probably right, but hear me out. Providing a bit of context about her life might be helpful: Her parents divorced when she was 8 years old, an event that seemed to have a significant impact on her, shaping how she views relationships and struggles to find her sense of belonging. She also finds it difficult to make friends. She works as a caretaker at an elementary school because she loves working with kids, but she doesn’t have a specialized college degree, she has only finished high school.

Her past relationship: Before me, her longest relationship lasted about a year. They broke up because she worked abroad and got involved with someone else. When she returned, she confessed to her then-boyfriend, but he couldn’t continue the relationship, leading to their breakup. She felt deep sorrow and regret, making several attempts to earn his forgiveness, without any results.
 
I met her about three months after that breakup, so you could say I was somewhat part of a rebound relationship. I tried to take things slow, but they escalated quickly. However, even though she may not have fully healed from her past relationship in the beginning, I felt that over time, she moved on from it.

Our relationship: We met in January 2023, and fast forward to the future, about a year and a half of being together, we were staying at each other's houses, attending a Vipassana retreat together, going to events, traveling, and doing all the typical couple things, learning from each other.  

The main issue in our relationship: The age gap was something we were aware of, but we never saw it as a "real issue." Looking back, it wasn't the age itself, but rather the fact that she didn't have the life experience I had already gained. Work experience, in particular, was my biggest concern. I felt like she was falling behind, and it worried me that she seemed lost and lacked sustainable support for herself, especially since her parents were separated. In some ways, I felt she was homeless, while I was in a very stable place in my life, both in terms of work and studies, as well as the support I received from my family. So, I felt this responsibility of almost being her caretaker. How can I share a household with her if she doesn’t stay in the same job for a long time? I can't afford everything for both of us on my own. 

How did it end? After several brief break-ups, we always got back together because we shared a strong, familiar connection and felt safe with each other. However, the last official breakup, let's call it that, happened this summer. We parted on "good terms," due to the fact she was about to work abroad outside of Portugal, and although she wanted me to go with her to Fuerteventura, an island in Spain where she would be working at a Hotel Kid's Club. She didn’t want to break up with me at that time, but I felt for her and encouraged her to take this journey to find herself and learn something new. I told her not to worry about us, that we would stay in touch, and she could always count on me. So, we kept talking for the whole summer, and in late September, she sent me a final message saying that after reflecting, she believed we shouldn’t keep talking regularly. To heal and grow, we needed to let go of the past and give time the space it needs. She thought that reconnecting in the future might make sense, but for that moment, we needed to move on and embrace the unknown without having each other's support. I replied to her and respected her decision, without any resentment. In the final message, we both kept the door open, but for now, we needed to step back. Taking also into consideration that she was in another country, far away. It's important to note that when she sent this final text, she was feeling very isolated and wasn't seeing anyone, I know that for sure. Sooooo... we stopped talking for about 3 months, until...

Until she broke the no contact: In late November, she sent me an Instagram reel. I had told her that she could break the no contact whenever she felt ready, without any formalities, and she did. We continued sharing funny Instagram reels, as usual, without any personal questions, keeping things simple. Then, I stopped the reel exchange, and simply dropped the bomb "Call me on Saturday morning, if you're free." I waited for her reply for about 10 days, but nothing, she was sharing Instagram stories, so clearly, she was available and saw the message without opening it, so I couldn't see the "Seen" notification. I felt rage, and I don't judge myself that I should have felt something different. So clearly, after some thought, I felt that maybe I was pushing too hard on her, and tried to see her side of the situation. So, after two weeks of waiting, I messaged her: "If you weren't ready for a call, you could have told me instead of going silent" and "If you're breaking no contact, it should be with serious intent." I still haven't received a reply to this day. 

The present situation: And the worst part? She came back to our hometown in the first week of December after being away for three months, and it feels like she doesn’t want me to know. But I do, and it's driving me crazy. It would be different if she were far away, but she's just 15 minutes away from me.

This all started because she went to another country, and now I feel the urge to visit her house or send a letter (I know neither are good ideas). I just need some clarity, not to be left in the dark. Because, surprise: I actually care. From your perspective, it might seem like I'm overreacting, but we hadn’t spoken for three months, and then she reached out, only for me to be left clueless about what’s really going on with her.

Right now, I’m just grieving and feeling worthless, every day feels like a huge struggle to keep my mind away from this, I just want to take some sort of action and make it stop, but I don't know what, or if I should.

Thank you if you have read this far, if you have an honest opinion, with the little clues I gave you, it might be helpful.

Edited 16 hours ago by oMarcos

[Letho]

@oMarcos dude gtfo of this asap. You're dreaming, not living. Very clear boundaries: what makes a relationship isn't the attachment its trait based. Attachment minus proper tested traits is actually what leads to you wasting your life filled only with regret if you're without either the sense of mind, deep life lesson or both. This is NOT a complicated situation. Act quickly with the paradigm shift. She clearly doesn't have enough empathy. Who gives a fuck why, whether it's lack of maturity, life experience or genuine deficit, measure what you actually see. That's what you're meant to do as a man and then respond to it objectively, decisively and with momentum. You lack wisdom and that's what's holding you back right now so you must have a serious look in the mirror, remove the ignorance, implant knowledge and your future self will thank you later. Traits create passion that's long lasting and therefore a meaningful attachment that you look back on fondly into your old age, attachments can create passion but without the traits the passion is instead a hollywood delusion ruining your life while you live totally in denial about it.

Anyhow, we're here to share and grow from wisdom together so don't let me be the last commenter on this one! Very operationally, two traits I filter every relationship through now or rather the wisdom of it is purely chain reasoning around empathy and family. Pure, simple, beautiful. Done.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas mate, sincerely I really hope it works out for you and everyone else struggling with any similar situations present/past. 

[NoSelfSelf]

So first thing i see is that you dont have leadership skills (when it comes to relatuonship structure),because you were guided by the emotion and her leading you,by how she felt about you in the moment.That's why its said men are logical because men see things that is not clouded by emotion.What did she do to live with you? 

Second thing you care more about her than yourself,so she feeling how much you care about her and she didnt do anything for it,then she felt that you are not worthy of her love.

She reached out just to use you as an attention, but she was seeing somebody but that person didnt give her attention so she reached out to you.It was great that you told her what to do and her reply should be to not keep pursuing her.But since you love her more than she loves you,you got emotional and start acting like a woman.

You feel worthless because you interpit your worthiness by how much loves she gives you, because you dont love yourself which turned her off when she realized that she is the bigger "object" of love than you yourself.Being more like a woman.

 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by NoSelfSelf

[Buck Edwards]

She basically ghosted you. You are severely attached to her. Happens. But you gotta hop out of this situation as she doesn't really care about your feelings. Harsh truth.. Move on from this.