My ex broke no contact but then ghosted me afterward

[oMarcos]

Tomorrow it can happen to you, so learn from my experience, I guess?

Introduction: I felt the need to share my story because I’ve been struggling with it alone on my own. It might be helpful to get some insights from others, even though it’s impossible to convey every detail of this relationship, as it’s full of nuances only I fully know. Still, I’ll give it a try.

About her: My ex-girlfriend is 21, and I’m 31. Yes, you might be thinking there’s a bit of an age gap here, and you’re probably right, but hear me out. Providing a bit of context about her life might be helpful: Her parents divorced when she was 8 years old, an event that seemed to have a significant impact on her, shaping how she views relationships and struggles to find her sense of belonging. She also finds it difficult to make friends. She works as a caretaker at an elementary school because she loves working with kids, but she doesn’t have a specialized college degree, she has only finished high school.

Her past relationship: Before me, her longest relationship lasted about a year. They broke up because she worked abroad and got involved with someone else. When she returned, she confessed to her then-boyfriend, but he couldn’t continue the relationship, leading to their breakup. She felt deep sorrow and regret, making several attempts to earn his forgiveness, without any results.
 
I met her about three months after that breakup, so you could say I was somewhat part of a rebound relationship. I tried to take things slow, but they escalated quickly. However, even though she may not have fully healed from her past relationship in the beginning, I felt that over time, she moved on from it.

Our relationship: We met in January 2023, and fast forward to the future, about a year and a half of being together, we were staying at each other's houses, attending a Vipassana retreat together, going to events, traveling, and doing all the typical couple things, learning from each other.  

The main issue in our relationship: The age gap was something we were aware of, but we never saw it as a "real issue." Looking back, it wasn't the age itself, but rather the fact that she didn't have the life experience I had already gained. Work experience, in particular, was my biggest concern. I felt like she was falling behind, and it worried me that she seemed lost and lacked sustainable support for herself, especially since her parents were separated. In some ways, I felt she was homeless, while I was in a very stable place in my life, both in terms of work and studies, as well as the support I received from my family. So, I felt this responsibility of almost being her caretaker. How can I share a household with her if she doesn’t stay in the same job for a long time? I can't afford everything for both of us on my own. 

How did it end? After several brief break-ups, we always got back together because we shared a strong, familiar connection and felt safe with each other. However, the last official breakup, let's call it that, happened this summer. We parted on "good terms," due to the fact she was about to work abroad outside of Portugal, and although she wanted me to go with her to Fuerteventura, an island in Spain where she would be working at a Hotel Kid's Club. She didn’t want to break up with me at that time, but I felt for her and encouraged her to take this journey to find herself and learn something new. I told her not to worry about us, that we would stay in touch, and she could always count on me. So, we kept talking for the whole summer, and in late September, she sent me a final message saying that after reflecting, she believed we shouldn’t keep talking regularly. To heal and grow, we needed to let go of the past and give time the space it needs. She thought that reconnecting in the future might make sense, but for that moment, we needed to move on and embrace the unknown without having each other's support. I replied to her and respected her decision, without any resentment. In the final message, we both kept the door open, but for now, we needed to step back. Taking also into consideration that she was in another country, far away. It's important to note that when she sent this final text, she was feeling very isolated and wasn't seeing anyone, I know that for sure. Sooooo... we stopped talking for about 3 months, until...

Until she broke the no contact: In late November, she sent me an Instagram reel. I had told her that she could break the no contact whenever she felt ready, without any formalities, and she did. We continued sharing funny Instagram reels, as usual, without any personal questions, keeping things simple. Then, I stopped the reel exchange, and simply dropped the bomb "Call me on Saturday morning, if you're free." I waited for her reply for about 10 days, but nothing, she was sharing Instagram stories, so clearly, she was available and saw the message without opening it, so I couldn't see the "Seen" notification. I felt rage, and I don't judge myself that I should have felt something different. So clearly, after some thought, I felt that maybe I was pushing too hard on her, and tried to see her side of the situation. So, after two weeks of waiting, I messaged her: "If you weren't ready for a call, you could have told me instead of going silent" and "If you're breaking no contact, it should be with serious intent." I still haven't received a reply to this day. 

The present situation: And the worst part? She came back to our hometown in the first week of December after being away for three months, and it feels like she doesn’t want me to know. But I do, and it's driving me crazy. It would be different if she were far away, but she's just 15 minutes away from me.

This all started because she went to another country, and now I feel the urge to visit her house or send a letter (I know neither are good ideas). I just need some clarity, not to be left in the dark. Because, surprise: I actually care. From your perspective, it might seem like I'm overreacting, but we hadn’t spoken for three months, and then she reached out, only for me to be left clueless about what’s really going on with her.

Right now, I’m just grieving and feeling worthless, every day feels like a huge struggle to keep my mind away from this, I just want to take some sort of action and make it stop, but I don't know what, or if I should.

Thank you if you have read this far, if you have an honest opinion, with the little clues I gave you, it might be helpful.

Edited yesterday at 01:39 AM by oMarcos

[Letho]

@oMarcos dude gtfo of this asap. You're dreaming, not living. Very clear boundaries: what makes a relationship isn't the attachment its trait based. Attachment minus proper tested traits is actually what leads to you wasting your life filled only with regret if you're without either the sense of mind, deep life lesson or both. This is NOT a complicated situation. Act quickly with the paradigm shift. She clearly doesn't have enough empathy. Who gives a fuck why, whether it's lack of maturity, life experience or genuine deficit, measure what you actually see. That's what you're meant to do as a man and then respond to it objectively, decisively and with momentum. You lack wisdom and that's what's holding you back right now so you must have a serious look in the mirror, remove the ignorance, implant knowledge and your future self will thank you later. Traits create passion that's long lasting and therefore a meaningful attachment that you look back on fondly into your old age, attachments can create passion but without the traits the passion is instead a hollywood delusion ruining your life while you live totally in denial about it.

Anyhow, we're here to share and grow from wisdom together so don't let me be the last commenter on this one! Very operationally, two traits I filter every relationship through now or rather the wisdom of it is purely chain reasoning around empathy and family. Pure, simple, beautiful. Done.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas mate, sincerely I really hope it works out for you and everyone else struggling with any similar situations present/past. 

[NoSelfSelf]

So first thing i see is that you dont have leadership skills (when it comes to relatuonship structure),because you were guided by the emotion and her leading you,by how she felt about you in the moment.That's why its said men are logical because men see things that is not clouded by emotion.What did she do to live with you? 

Second thing you care more about her than yourself,so she feeling how much you care about her and she didnt do anything for it,then she felt that you are not worthy of her love.

She reached out just to use you as an attention, but she was seeing somebody but that person didnt give her attention so she reached out to you.It was great that you told her what to do and her reply should be to not keep pursuing her.But since you love her more than she loves you,you got emotional and start acting like a woman.

You feel worthless because you interpit your worthiness by how much loves she gives you, because you dont love yourself which turned her off when she realized that she is the bigger "object" of love than you yourself.Being more like a woman.

 

 

Edited yesterday at 09:31 AM by NoSelfSelf

[Buck Edwards]

She basically ghosted you. You are severely attached to her. Happens. But you gotta hop out of this situation as she doesn't really care about your feelings. Harsh truth.. Move on from this. 

[Letho]

@oMarcos

And this gal is pretending to be all empathic towards me and I do believe she's empathic, like she does have a complex compass however for so many women man, they'll in the next breath happily talk about the guy in which their empathy has switched off towards to another guy, in this case, me.

What she's doing right now shows a lack of maturity and so I don't hold her in as high esteem, however I recognise there's multiple factors at play here including the cultural pressures that have made her have the sight she has through the smoke and mirrors of indoctrinated misguided hollywood love potions being created by the guys she's speaking to, so I hope this helps you generate another mirror on yourself to see through your own naivety a little bit better just above the horizon of any potential ego backlash you may or may not have from me sharing this with you.

Combined with my previous earlier comment above, you need to make a paradigm shift that allows you to see how your own self-indulgence in your own personal delusions results in blocking your primal cognitive empathy to complement your affective empathy, as a result, you get easily played bro and the way to respond to this isn't to try and outplay anyone it's just to make the best use of your time in your life and consequently stay on your growth curve towards reaching your highest consciousness maturity as much as possible to the point where these situations don't even register in your life as plausible scenario outcomes as you're not the naive one where your love isn't coupled with love that's bolstered by the rest of your intelligence and vice versa:

 

 

These are two separate guys in the space of the last hour by the way.

Wisen up, don't get bitter.

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest problem is you don't view at least 50% of yourself and herself as a biological entity responding automatically to the forces of life around you continuously, instead a part of you that you need to unplug is  stuck inside this magical fairy dust space of "Her and I are spiritual beings finding our spiritual paths" or however you frame it, consequently, your reticular activation system filters reality around you incorrectly relative to the level of inaccuracy surrounding the present paradigm in which you're processing your relationship. Fix the (cognitive) paradigm and you'll fix the filters which will in return change the feedback loops within your biology that create your emotions to appraise this and other situations around you to become socially attuned more accurately. Don't get bitter as said, the goal isn't even to get better as they say you should in just another form of delusion just delicately in a more sophisticated way, get more accurate. Get more accurate and you'll get more of you as you being you, being true.

So as much as its a lack of empathy at an objective level, of course I play devils advocate on myself where this situation at the same time is the perfect example to reveal the other side of the equation. My revelations should relay that the nuance still reveals how I'm accurate on both accounts regardless but that the original boldness is still where you need to systematically step by step mature towards being able to know how to categorise empathy across the social spectrum as it presents itself to you situation to situation because to add with this second comment, you'll in return know how to self assess aka like in this situation, where your own self and other empathy is lacking and thus where you need to redeem yourself. In the case of these two examples, where the two gentlemen are stuck in their own self indulgence and are totally oblivious to how she may perceive them and so totally misperceive how she may respond to them in the future, in this case either ghosting or/to playing them. A part of it is their own fault and the other part of it, is however slightly, her own suffering because she then loses out on having a more mature appraisal of the situation that benefits her consciousness growth even though her biological response that reduces her empathy as a survival reaction to screen them out as potential partners at the same time is understandable.

Good luck, but create your own luck by looking in the mirrors that give you a more accurate reading on life.

Again, I hope everyone's getting the most out of this Christmas Break in preparation for the new year 🌍🎄👌.

Spread the mature love.

 

 

 

Edited 6 hours ago by Letho

[Letho]

3 hours ago, Letho said:

@oMarcos

And this gal is pretending to be all empathic towards me and I do believe she's empathic, like she does have a complex compass however for so many women man, they'll in the next breath happily talk about the guy in which their empathy has switched off towards to another guy, in this case, me.

What she's doing right now shows a lack of maturity and so I don't hold her in as high esteem, however I recognise there's multiple factors at play here including the cultural pressures that have made her have the sight she has through the smoke and mirrors of indoctrinated misguided hollywood love potions being created by the guys she's speaking to, so I hope this helps you generate another mirror on yourself to see through your own naivety a little bit better just above the horizon of any potential ego backlash you may or may not have from me sharing this with you.

Combined with my previous earlier comment above, you need to make a paradigm shift that allows you to see how your own self-indulgence in your own personal delusions results in blocking your primal cognitive empathy to complement your affective empathy, as a result, you get easily played bro and the way to respond to this isn't to try and outplay anyone it's just to make the best use of your time in your life and consequently stay on your growth curve towards reaching your highest consciousness maturity as much as possible to the point where these situations don't even register in your life as plausible scenario outcomes as you're not the naive one where your love isn't coupled with love that's bolstered by the rest of your intelligence and vice versa:

 

 

These are two separate guys in the space of the last hour by the way.

Wisen up, don't get bitter.

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest problem is you don't view at least 50% of yourself and herself as a biological entity responding automatically to the forces of life around you continuously, instead a part of you that you need to unplug is  stuck inside this magical fairy dust space of "Her and I are spiritual beings finding our spiritual paths" or however you frame it, consequently, your reticular activation system filters reality around you incorrectly relative to the level of inaccuracy surrounding the present paradigm in which you're processing your relationship. Fix the (cognitive) paradigm and you'll fix the filters which will in return change the feedback loops within your biology that create your emotions to appraise this and other situations around you to become socially attuned more accurately. Don't get bitter as said, the goal isn't even to get better as they say you should in just another form of delusion just delicately in a more sophisticated way, get more accurate. Get more accurate and you'll get more of you as you being you, being true.

So as much as its a lack of empathy at an objective level, of course I play devils advocate on myself where this situation at the same time is the perfect example to reveal the other side of the equation. My revelations should relay that the nuance still reveals how I'm accurate on both accounts regardless but that the original boldness is still where you need to systematically step by step mature towards being able to know how to categorise empathy across the social spectrum as it presents itself to you situation to situation because to add with this second comment, you'll in return know how to self assess aka like in this situation, where your own self and other empathy is lacking and thus where you need to redeem yourself. In the case of these two examples, where the two gentlemen are stuck in their own self indulgence and are totally oblivious to how she may perceive them and so totally misperceive how she may respond to them in the future, in this case either ghosting or/to playing them. A part of it is their own fault and the other part of it, is however slightly, her own suffering because she then loses out on having a more mature appraisal of the situation that benefits her consciousness growth even though her biological response that reduces her empathy as a survival reaction to screen them out as potential partners at the same time is understandable.

Good luck, but create your own luck by looking in the mirrors that give you a more accurate reading on life.

Again, I hope everyone's getting the most out of this Christmas Break in preparation for the new year 🌍🎄👌.

Spread the mature love.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a different gal.

To help you get out of the "idealism" paradigm and into the "trait analysis" paradigm, you must ask the question "who am I speaking to?" And "who am I based on what I am asking?"

So I didn't masturbate over her, I told a white lie. I would never lie about something thats something I should never lie about, while at the same time this is a lie where I may need to do damage control, either she has had a bad day and has some unintended reaction for example or on the other hand she becomes overly infatuated with me, for either case because I already know Anie is a good person I'm going to devote the time regardless to ensure that no damage is done and or at the very least I redeem the situation, however in this case, I posed the question, "who is anie?" And I'm not going to be able to have that question answered by just dancing around nonsense questions where we're both in culturally accepted lines thereby producing culturally predictable responses, you must figure out how to cross those cultural lines while doing so in a way that is as respectful to the other person as much as possible. When you end up in a relationship with someone though where your relationship is predicated on culturally acceptable norms rather than a functional understanding of one another with a level of consciousness depth that supersedes the potential for normalised reactivity towards you, that's the relationship mate sorry to inform you, that's doomed to fail and either one of you are probably either only with you for ulterior motives or they're probably just so poorly developed or have such a shallow understanding of you that your relationship just isn't worth the time of day anyway to the extent that it genuinely adds value to your personal growth.

I'm sharing this with you because it feels like part of at least one of the outcomes to your attachment is that you create a cultural dream world of social expectation. This social expectation is something you've been socially conditioned to believe in so that you re-enact that ritual in the real world and then wonder why you're not getting the success you thought you were going to get based on the subconscious rituals you didn't even know you were programmed to follow through with and not get adequate enough feedback from reality to change your behaviour in response to. 

I'm not saying you should now start telling all the women you're masturbating over them even though you're not, I'm just saying that you need to figure out your own independent way whereby you're going to only spend time on real relationships where you're both in it to be real with one another and get through the crass to get to truly know who one another are underneath and waste the least amount of time with those that have ego backlashes and therefore don't even know themselves enough to be able to even pass these kinds of tests to the point where they can intelligently relay who they are to you and vice versa. 

"Who is X?" Is the same question as "Who am I?", on one side of the spectrum you (or the person you're speaking to) have full ego identification and therefore almost zero self knowledge and on the other side of the spectrum you have full self wisdom and therefore at the very least enough ego integration to the point where you can generate creative intelligence no matter what someone throws at you and create light and heaven out of whatever they bring to the table for you to mirror the universe off with to you.

For me, the faster I can find that ego and or lack of integration to the point where there's a lack of empathy on self and other, the quicker I can get out of there and establish creative intelligence in another direction. By generating harmless social experiments like this where I have full positive intentions and empathy towards any potential damage control needed, I get a quick read on biases that reveal truths that may have otherwise been completely missed and put me in a relationship that landed me in a complete mess months or even years down the line because I didn't get an intelligent objective read across many situations that add to my wisdom in a way where there's mutual respect for one another's humanity, including respect for one another's time aka saving months to years of both our lives.

Again, if I tell a woman I love her though, that's not something I just throw out and see what flies back. There's simply lines I will not cross no matter the context, I now have a few gals now including Anie that are happy to have learned I just masturbated over them which I didn't, however there's a lot of women where I just simply wouldn't do that of course because it would be totally inappropriate relative to either the context of our relationship or the ego limits that I'd already for example investigated enough. It's the first time by the way where I've tried that social experiment, and now it's just damage control to ensure they're not anticipating this leads to a potential relationship while at the same time  benefitting our friendship because now we've mutually crossed cultural lines where we get to explore new creative territory. You've gotta learn how to do that for the sake of understanding yourself and the sentience you're claiming you're trying to have a sentient aka non-culturalized-zombie relationship with.

Hope these three comments serve as good learning mirrors for you mate.

Again, hope the Christmas Break is serving everyone well 🎄🌍👌

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Letho

[Letho]

Anie literally just followed up with an 8 minute voice message by the way. I'm not going to listen to it, at least not tonight, but she's a really great gal that deserves a great guy and I'll give her some attention tomorrow where I'll expand some dimensions for her then inclusive of the above where I establish the boundaries I noted that serves her highest dignity.

But yeah, my point is mate let this be a lesson for you, don't live in your own self created smoke that you'll only end up suffocating yourself on in the future because you made too many assumptions and didn't live in the space of mutually created individuated creative intelligence between one another, as that's what a real relationship is about man, what you two create with each other whether it's a friendship or something more, not the script society taught you you're hoping to fulfil in some predictable ritualistic way like most people assume and then they wonder why either they're unable to deal with their marriage issues that lead to divorce or complacency where you both just accept the slum you're in, which is fine for some people that's their future and I think it's truly beautiful if it's genuinely real as it just means they're not meant to explore consciousness all that deeply, and that's fine, it's not meant for many and so they have to live in marriages that live in those limits.

Find your mutual true limit. Creatively intelligize the hell out of it with the most wisdom possible that brings the highest humanity possible to your relationships.