How to grow confidence among confident guys?

[Someone here]

I’ve noticed something about myself that has been affecting my social interactions and I wanted to share it to see if  anyone has gone through something similar or has advice.etc 

Depending on who I’m with..I  tend to act very differently:

When  Im with shy or quiet people (those I subconsciously perceive as having "lower social status")I feel more relaxed..witty.. physical.. and charismatic.etc

But when I’m with people I consider confident or socially skilled.. it’s like something inside me shuts down: I feel less funny..and I lose my quick thinking.I talk less.. avoid eye contact..and generally feel "socially inferior" even though I’m not sure if I’m trying too hard to please them or if it’s just my insecurity from my part .

What’s interesting is that I don’t think these people are "above" me in terms of achievements. I consider myself more attractive than average and have accomplished a lot for my age (26).

I'm 26 years old . Studying business and marketing in university. Will graduate approximately in 2 years . I live by myself . I don't have a job . My family pay my bills . That's just some basic info about myself in case someone will pose these questions. I have no problem starting a fight with a guy ..but I don't like bullies. I've been bullied like a TON in school..because I had a very weak physique. Now that I've starting  lifting and doing sports for couple of years and got in a stronger shape I can defend myself . But I just don't have strong personality. I have strong body but not strong personality . What to do ?

 

 

[Leo Gura]

The solution is to socialize a lot and stop caring.

When you socialize the point is to have fun and offer people good vibes. That's all. Focus on that rather than thinking about yourself. Eventually you will stop thinking about yourself entirely when you are out.

Edited 20 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Sugarcoat]

I say like Leo you have to keep exposing yourself to various social situations to expose yourself to your fears. To uncover all the ways you’re holding yourself back, being fake, all your strategies of avoidance (of eye contact for example). Learn to relax yourself while in these situations, relax the body. You could also subconsciously start to emulate a little bit of those seemingly confident people, that’s okay that is natural that it could happen in your social skills learning journey. It will take time. It took me years to completely transform myself from kinda awkward and insecure to natural and relaxed and confident. But it’s so worth it. You’ll get to a point where you don’t put those seemingly confident people on a pedestal anymore. You don’t see it as anything special because you have accessed it and built it in yourself so it’s normal to you. It’s both a building of confidence and breaking down of insecurity process. Anything that gives you confidence in other areas of life can also translate to your confidence in social situations because you’ll feel better about yourself in general. 

Edited 20 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Leo Gura]

The reason people drink when they socialize is so they can turn off their mind from thinking about all this crap.

Notice how carefree you are when you're drunk and then just act that way sober. That's the master key.

Edited 20 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Someone here]

13 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The solution is to socialize a lot and stop caring.

When you socialize the point is to have fun and offer people good vibes. That's all. Focus on that rather than thinking about yourself. Eventually you will stop thinking about yourself entirely when you are out.

that’s something I’ve noticed in myself too but couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  So would you say there is a inverse function relationship between being stuck in my head and (self conscious) and how i flow effortlessly in socialising? 

Also how i heal  trauma from bullying. My own mind sometimes gives me thoughts of bullying other younger guys who are physically weaker than me .i immediately feel afraid/weak and inferior and retreat to my childhood self. Is there a way to heal this? What can I do to not get triggered by these anymore and develop a stronger self?

[Leo Gura]

Just now, Someone here said:

is a inverse function relationship between being stuck in my head and (self conscious) and how i flow effortlessly in socialising? 

Obviously.

Just stop thinking. It's that simple.

Just now, Someone here said:

Also how i heal  trauma from bullying.

I don't know.

I suggest you forget about it and just go have fun.

[RightHand]

 

[Davino]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The reason people drink when they socialize is so they can turn off their mind from thinking about all this crap.

Notice how carefree you are when you're drunk and then just act that way sober. That's the master key.

I can get into state without substances just by consciousness but I sometimes find it hard to get others into the same mood, most people are too solid and takes for them too much to build state.

So now I'm working on the transition, I kinda feel weird because I cannot let myself go completely because the group is not there yet but state is one of those things which is all or nothing and getting that balance and transition right is becoming an interesting new challenge. Any advice Leo?

[Someone here]

9 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The reason people drink when they socialize is so they cam turn off their mind thinking about all this crap.

Its not like that but Thanks .

I think that anything that comes easy is worthless.

social awakardness is a proplem of every single person in 20s .people that make you feel safe are in fact just being dominated by your aura..but I' making the mistake of putting my conception of reality onto the minds of everyone around me . So it's double 

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Obviously.

Just stop thinking. It's that simple.

I don't know.

I suggest you forget about it and just go have fun.

OK thx Leo 👌

Edited 20 hours ago by Someone here

[Someone here]

17 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I say like Leo you have to keep exposing yourself to various social situations to expose yourself to your fears. To uncover all the ways you’re holding yourself back, being fake, all your strategies of avoidance (of eye contact for example). Learn to relax yourself while in these situations, relax the body. You could also subconsciously start to emulate a little bit of those seemingly confident people, that’s okay that is natural that it could happen in your social skills learning journey. It will take time. It took me years to completely transform myself from kinda awkward and insecure to natural and relaxed and confident. But it’s so worth it. You’ll get to a point where you don’t put those seemingly confident people on a pedestal anymore. You don’t see it as anything special because you have accessed it and built it in yourself so it’s normal to you. It’s both a building of confidence and breaking down of insecurity process. Anything that gives you confidence in other areas of life can also translate to your confidence in social situations because you’ll feel better about yourself in general. 

On point . Perhaps I need to fill my time with healthy habits . That can grow my confidence. 

[Davino]

3 minutes ago, RightHand said:

 

Why this shit seems human national geographic

I love it!

[Someone here]

It can be hard to just " stop thinking "other people are fully dominant or indominated in social situations. Sometimes i find  myself in "social hierarchy" that drives me to anxiety.

Socializing isn’t easy I'm sure you Leo know this very well .

[Davino]

@Someone here If you socialize you gotta play by the human rules and thrive in that game. Otherwise, if you're not naturally talented and you don't have massive experience you'll lack the social calibration to navigate that medium and have fun.

Let's remember socializing is supposed to be fun. If you raised a dog, you know there has to be a period of introduction to other dogs and packs of dogs. Usually in their younger years and the later it is done the more difficulties the puppet gets for understanding the norms and costums of the dog social domain. In the same way, one has to go through this socialization and domestication process for coexisting and connecting with others alike him.

[Sugarcoat]

20 minutes ago, Someone here said:

On point . Perhaps I need to fill my time with healthy habits . That can grow my confidence. 

Yea 

[Someone here]

@Davino @Sugarcoat  i understand. Im talking about a specific case here with specific people.

Ever feel super confident and then you interact with another person you can tell is confident and if feels like you are both going kinda toe to toe in some unspoken way to see who can strut there confidence the most and come out on top..and the moment one person slips up and looses their charisma or mojo or what ever you went to call it the other persons confidence sky rockets while the other persons plummets. Iv even been in  situations where later in the same night the person who lost their confidence to me was able to make a come back so to speak in how they presented themselves and then my  confidence initially was soaring starts to plummet as the others goes up. Social dynamics are just weird sometimes.

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Yea 

Sorry your comment was insightful. Don't think I'm just writing it off .I'm just like "yes! That's it! . I see !".

[Sugarcoat]

10 minutes ago, Someone here said:

@Davino @Sugarcoat  i understand. Im talking about a specific case here with specific people.

Ever feel super confident and then you interact with another person you can tell is confident and if feels like you are both going kinda toe to toe in some unspoken way to see who can strut there confidence the most and come out on top..and the moment one person slips up and looses their charisma or mojo or what ever you went to call it the other persons confidence sky rockets while the other persons plummets. Iv even been in  situations where later in the same night the person who lost their confidence to me was able to make a come back so to speak in how they presented themselves and then my  confidence initially was soaring starts to plummet as the others goes up. Social dynamics are just weird sometimes.

 

I’ve not been in situations where the confidence goes up and down like that in relation to one another from what I remember but I see how that could happen. I have though experienced how different people can dominate the convo and how that can shift between people. I think if you manage to develop true confidence it should be there no matter who you interact with. Doesn’t mean your energy has to always be high, sometimes one can naturally sit back and listen and let someone else dominate the convo but one is still confident and relaxed just in a more quiet way because it suits the situation. So true confidence isn’t affected by other people and that’s the ultimate goal imo

10 minutes ago, Someone here said:

 

Sorry your comment was insightful. Don't think I'm just writing it off .I'm just like "yes! That's it! . I see !".

Thanks I’m glad it was that to you.

Edited 19 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[NoSelfSelf]

You are judging other people and from that judgment you are assesing your worth.Because you havent internalize your worth,then you are a cameleon type of person.

[JTL]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

The solution is to socialize a lot and stop caring.

When you socialize the point is to have fun and offer people good vibes. That's all. Focus on that rather than thinking about yourself. Eventually you will stop thinking about yourself entirely when you are out.

@Leo Gura yes, but would you say that is everything. I am a man 30 years old and I can have fun when socializng, but I want to have a deeper connection with my friends, family and colleagues. Is it just to build report?, I maybe feel that it have to be fun, for I am afraid to be boreing cause negative emotions.  

[The Renaissance Man]

@Someone here I experience the exact same thing. Literally the same. 

It's true that ultimately you're more spontaneous and less self-conscious in those "lower status" situations. But in my experience it wasn't something I could just turn off.

Instead, it helped for me to progressively be more intentional with my behavior in social situations. Improving my understanding of social dynamics, what a "charismatic" person is like, and so on. It made the next steps tangible.

I found, again on myself, that I needed this explicit understanding to replicate stuff that I was naturally able to do in "lower status" environments.

So I'm all for a conscious understanding of what good socialization is like, like on a technical level, like in game, for improving your behavior where it's not natural.

Then you can combine this with exposure to social scenarios, but exposure alone will probably do what has done up to your age of 26: almost no serious change. Think about it, something's got to be different.

[Sugarcoat]

27 minutes ago, The Renaissance Man said:

Then you can combine this with exposure to social scenarios, but exposure alone will probably do what has done up to your age of 26: almost no serious change. Think about it, something's got to be different.

I agree with you that only exposure isn’t enough. It’s important to also do it consciously. I did contemplation too and as you say being more intentional with behavior where it doesn’t come naturally. Like I would smile and laugh when I noticed it was appropriate even if I didn’t feel like it because I was low. Or using short phrases (filler words etc) when it was suitable. Or actively focusing on the one who is talking to have less focus on myself. Sometimes it can feel forceful for a while before it feels natural, you gotta kinda push yourself to talk intentionally no matter what you feel to gain some momentum. 

Edited 14 hours ago by Sugarcoat